Say What You Gotta To Say

            It all started on my thirteen-birthday party. It was a sunny day in Miami Florida, like it always was.  My father was recently hired as a clown at Circus Clowns.  He didn’t work at the circus but rather at birthday parties.  I never liked clowns, but just to make my father happy I pretended that I liked them. I pretended to like a lot of things.  He had on all that weird white face paint and that ugly bright red nose. He looked like a freak to me with all that paint on his face. Before he was hired as a clown he worked at Nico’s Management as a manager, but he was laid off. His friend Mike introduced him to this clown business, and he enjoyed it. My friends all came to my house and there my father as the clown. Instead of greeting everyone like a normal person, he said “hello everybody” in his weird clown voice. Many of my friends seemed to like it but a few got scared and left. I never paid attention; I just sat there pretending to watch and pretending to smile. Then he started making all those balloon animals, with weird skinny bodies and big bubble eyes. Everyone was excited for this part, and I couldn’t wait till it ended. They were running around playing with their balloon animals, I felt bad for not socializing with them. A few of my younger friends came up to me and told me they really liked the clown idea and that they would want to have a clown at their birthday parties. I said I’ll ask my dad, and they skipped away happily like they just won something important. Soon my older friends who were fourteen or so left , I didn’t blame them.

              “Hey birthday girl!” said my father, almost out of breathe because he was entertaining so many of the kids.

               “Hi, clown,” I replied back.

                “What would you like me to make you?” My father held out all the rubber balloons with all sorts of colors.

            “I don’t know, anything you want.”

            “Lets see, I know your favorite color is purple, how about a purple monkey!”

             “Sure.”

             He started making me a purple monkey. It had a weirdly circular head and really long extended arms. The body was a bit chubby, but it looked like a monkey alright, a purple monkey.  I thanked him and snuck into my room, my favorite place where I felt comfortable. I was about to throw the purple monkey into my wastebasket, but decided not to because overall it was from my dad. Instead I placed the purple monkey on my desk and laid down on my bed. All of a sudden I heard a thump, and a few coughs, like someone trying to get another persons attention. I looked up and there was the purple monkey stretching. I pinched myself to see if I was dreaming, but it hurts so I guess I wasn’t.

             “Hey there!” greeted the purple monkey.

 I didn’t know what to say but just to stare at him, did that thing just talk to me.

             “Oh, ops, I should introduce myself, you can call me the purple monkey, and I’m here to help you.”

             “Help me with what?” I said confused.

             “You know, that father thing.”

             “What are you talking about?” I said, getting over that fact that a purple balloon animal was talking to me.

            “Okay so, why the long face?” asked the purple monkey

            “ Nothing, I’m fine.” I lied.

            “How about just telling your father how you feel?” said the purple monkey.

             “Yeah, whatever.” I said.

              I went back down stairs, and found all the younger kids running around outside with their balloon animals. They were happy.  I looked behind me and didn’t see the purple monkey.

              “Oh there you are, time to cut the cake, Lilly,” said my father leading me in the kitchen.

              I sat in front of the big rectangular cake. It said Happy Birthday Lilly with a picture of a girl holding a balloon, and all around where different color balloons. My father gathered all the other kids into the kitchen. They sang to me and I blew out the thirteen candles. My father the clown held my hand to cut the cake into twelve little pieces. It was a chocolate cake with vanilla frosting, one thing that I liked at the party. And shortly after, one by one the kids left with their balloon animals.

I helped my father clean up for a little bit. I took out the trash and wiped down the tables. My father was still in his clown suit, while he swept the kitchen floor

              “So this was a successful party huh?” asked my father from the kitchen.

              “Yeah, it was pretty fun,” I lied.

              “Good, I’m glad you liked it, I didn’t see you around so much. Entertaining these kids can get pretty tiring.”

               “Yeah, I was around.”

               “Alright, well I’m gonna go take a shower and when I’m done how about we go out for dinner of your choice.”

            “Kay, sounds fine.”

             Suddenly I remembered the talking purple monkey, I quickly went up stairs to see if he was still there. I opened my door and there he was fiddling with my pencils on the desk.

             “Why are you still here?” I asked.

             “ I told you, I’m going to help you.” The purple monkey said.

             “I don’t need help, my dad and I are just fine.”

              “Oh, I see that we’re in denial here.”

              I lay on my bed and turned around facing the opposite way of where the purple monkey was, ignoring what that thing had to say. I knew I had to tell him how I felt one day or another, but I didn’t want to. Maybe I just felt bad for him, being a single father and all. My parents were divorced when I was five, my mother cheated on my father with my baby-sitter. The last time I remember seeing her was when she took me to the ice-cream shop and started explaining things, but I wasn’t paying much attention, I just remember her saying “ Lilly just be good to your father”, after that she dropped me off at home, and she said goodbye and drove off in her little red car. That was the last of me seeing her, I just always thought that she went on a really long vacation.

             All of a sudden, I didn't feel too good. I felt a knot tie in my stomach. I walked over to the bathroom door and knocked.
             “Hey,dad, I don't feel very good. Can we go get dinner tomorrow or something?” I asked.
             “Sure, you okay? I'll get you some medicine when I'm out,” he said.

“ Kay, thanks.”
            On my way back to my room, the purple monkey was waving at me to go into my dad’s room.
           “What are you doing?”
            “Come in here and see, I need to show you something important.”
              I saw a family portrait laid down on the bed. In it my mom was holding me, I must have been a few months old because I was tiny. My parents were smiling they looked happy.
              “I miss my mom. I want to meet her.”
              “It's not your dad’s fault you know,” said the purple monkey.
              “Well why didn't he go after her?” I asked. “ And how would you know?”
               “It’s for you to find out, that’s why you should talk to your father about it.”
               I looked at the picture one more time and walked out the room before my father came in. I didn't want him to see me looking at the picture. I walked back to my room and the purple monkey followed. I glanced at the clock and it was already eight at night. I lay in bed and watched some T.V. A few minutes later a knock sounded at my door.
              “Come in.”
              “How are you feeling? I have some Tylenol here,” he said, handing me a cup of water.
              “Thanks, but I think I'm feeling better, I just need some sleep.”
              “Alright that’s fine,” he said looking around the room, “I see you still have the monkey I made you.”
              I looked at the monkey it was just sitting there on the desk like a statue. It wasn't moving.
             “Good night, and happy birthday.” he said before closing the door.
            I turned to the monkey.
            “So you don't talk or move when my dad is here?”
            “Nope, my job is only for you, and only you, that’s the rule.”
            “Alright, whatever I'm going to bed.”
            “See you in the morning,” said the purple monkey and sat still like a statue once again.
             The next day I woke up to the smell of bacon, eggs and biscuits, which I thought was a bit odd because my father hardly ever cooks breakfast. I quickly slipped on my pink robe and frog slippers. I glanced over at the purple monkey, it was still there, and I felt a little glad that he was still there. Something told me that I needed that thing to help me talk to my dad. I went downstairs and found my dad cooking.
           “Good morning, take a seat.” he said placing a plate with my favorite chocolate chip pancakes on it.
            I sat down. I was confused. Why was he doing all this, I asked myself. He sat down across from me with his plate and a plate of bacon and eggs. He past me a biscuit with butter.
             “Thanks.”
              “So I know you're probably wondering why all this is happening,” he said picking around this plate. “I just feel like the passed years we've been distanced away from each other.”

I didn't know what to say so I looked down at my food. It was silent for a few minutes. All of a sudden I saw the purple monkey hiding behind the entrance to the kitchen peeking its head out. He was mouthing something that I didn’t quite understand. But I knew what he was saying, probably something like “talk to him and tell him how you feel”. I looked at the purple monkey and then at my dad. I took a deep breath.

“I..I know I just feel like you’re so into the clown thing that I don't really like and you were a clown at the party yesterday, but I know I shouldn’t be mad at you about that because I told you I didn’t mind it, and mom, I miss her.” I stopped and looked at him, I wasn't sure if I should ask but I did. “Why didn't you go after her? You saw her leaving.”
            I looked at the monkey. He smiled. I couldn’t believe what I just did. I felt like a thousand pounds of weight was lifted from my head, I’m glad the monkey was here.
            “I'm sorry, I never knew you felt this way.” He got up and walked around to the other side and sat in the seat next to me, “ Look I know I've been working a lot, but I just want to provide for you, I always thought that you liked this clown thing, and that you would feel special to have a clown at your birthday party.”
              “I'm sorry, I should have told you all this, a long time ago but I didn't want to hurt your feelings. I brought it upon myself.”
               “No, I should have talked to you about it instead of just asking you, I didn't ask how you would feel,” he said.
            “What about mom, why didn't you?” I asked.
             “I wrote her letters a few times and sent her pictures of you for a year, but there were never any replies, except this one time.”

He went upstairs quickly and came back with a letter in his hand from my mom. It said:
                          Dear Sam,
                             Thanks a lot for all the pictures that you have sent, they were all
                              Very nice. I am very sorry that I am not there to grow up with Lilly.
                              But you know I have moved on with my life. Please forgive me.
                                                                                                Patricia
            I was speechless. I did not know what to think. These past few years I've been blaming my father for this. I did not cry, I didn't want to cry. I gave my father a hug, a hug that I've never given my father before.
           “Lilly, please tell me how you feel from now on, and you know I will always be here to listen,” said my dad.
            “I will dad, I will, promise,” I said with a smile to assure him.
           “How about a movie today?” asked my dad.
           “How about swimming instead?” I suggested.
           “Even better,” he said excitedly.
           “I'll go upstairs to change,” I said, impressed that I had suggested something.
           I slowly got up from the chair and made my way up the stairs. I opened the door and there was the purple monkey waiting on my bed.
             “Lilly, I'm really proud of you, does it feel better?” said the monkey jumping up and down.
            “Oh my gosh, thank you for pushing me to do it, I never thought I would have done it. And yes, it actually feels a lot better.”
            “So where are you guys going?”
             “Swimming, and guess what? I suggested it!” I said happily while packing my swimsuit.
              “Alright, have fun.” Said the monkey.
               “Where are you going?” I asked.
               “Nowhere, but you may not see much of me anymore,” he said and he vanished out of the thin air, with purple sparkles coming down and disappearing.
                I looked over at the desk, and the air from the balloon was deflating. Thank you, I said silently and went down stairs to my dad.