Identity

            I am an American. Ever since my parents came to this country, I was marked out as an American from the very moment that I was born. Both of my parents come from Guangzhou, China, and they both came here in the 1980s, seeking a new life here in America. So when I was born, although my parents thought that it was important for me to know about my Chinese heritage, it was more important that I be exposed to the American environment around me. Thus, I grew up speaking English and going to schools where the other kids only spoke English. I never really had that much exposure to the other side of my identity, besides the occasional Chinese New Year, Lunar Festival, and Chinese bilingual class during elementary school (which only lasted for four years). This never bothered me, because I was happy with my present condition. I never really related to my parents’ heritage, for I never really could speak Cantonese and knew next to nothing about China from the eyes of others. I had friends, I was doing well in school, and I had not a care in the world. But my Chinese heritage would catch up to me as I visited China for the first time that I could remember.

            My family and I left our house on a cold, dark morning and departed shortly from SFO, an exhausting fourteen-hour trip. We had been preparing for this trip the past few days before our flight, but I was oblivious to all of this. I was more concerned about having as much fun at my house before leaving. Yet, as our fourteen-hour flight continued on its way across the ocean, my worry gradually started coming to me. This did not bother me, because I wasn’t thinking right while on the flight, due to the lack of things to do. Finally, after the fourteen hours had passed, the plane started to descend. I was feeling stiff from the lack of movement that I did on the plane and a bit sick. Yet my mind was racing. How would I communicate with my relatives with my limited vocabulary? Would they dislike me because of the different cultural background I had come from? How would they react to me? Could I fit in and survive the whole month? I was worried about first impressions, since first impressions can determine what people think of you as a person. For someone who lives in the US and has relatives in the US, this is not a huge obstacle to overcome. However, it was for me, because I was in a different place, where everything seemed like it would be foreign. Yet I would be living here for one month. I would have to get used to this strange place called China if I was to survive the time that my family and I had to live in this place.

              When we touched down and exited from the airport, we took a taxi to our hotel in Hong Kong, since we were staying in the city for the night. As our taxi drove on the highway to the main island, I noticed how we were driving on the left side of the highway, which was a great disorientation to me, seeing that cars always drive on the right in the US. As we approached the city of Hong Kong, it really reminded me of San Francisco, because of all of the tall buildings and the crowds of people on the streets. Hmm, nothing really seems to be that different from the US, except for the positions of driving. Things are looking up. The next morning, we checked out of the hotel and boarded the train that would take us to Guangzhou, the city that my parents left behind and where many of my relatives now currently reside. As we were heading to Guangzhou on the train, my dread grew with each passing minute. I was thinking about what would come to pass, until I got so afraid that I had to have some reassurance.

“Hey, Mom, do you think that my relatives will like me, even though I’m different from them?” I said.

“Stop worrying so much, Carney. Don’t forget, we already brought you when you were younger and they didn’t treat you badly,” said my mom.

“Yeah, but this is completely different. I was a baby then, so of course they would like me. However, I’m grown up now, so their views have probably changed.”

“Look, you’re still family to them, so they won’t reject you. They will give you the same amount of love that I have shown you.”

This did help calm my fears, but I still had doubts. And then there were other barriers that separated us. I knew that many of my relatives didn’t speak English, so that posed a huge problem. I had only received elementary Cantonese during the first four years of elementary school. During those years, I had learned how to say basic words like moon, water, and person. However, I would have to communicate with people who have a much more sophisticated vocabulary, who have been speaking Cantonese for their entire lives. This was a daunting challenge, because communication is key. Without it, I would be alone, for the only ones I could talk to would be my parents and my brother. This is especially true of my cousins, since they are about the same age as me. It would be nice to have some other people to relate to. Another thing that prevents me from connecting with my relatives is that I don’t know anything about the culture here. Are there any customs that I am unaware of? What do they enjoy in their spare time? These thoughts were still buzzing around in my mind as we arrived in Guangzhou. Well, time to face my apprehensions head on and hope that I come out on top.

As soon as we exited the train, I was hit by the intense heat of the summer climate. It was probably about 102 degrees outside, but the train had been air conditioned. Yeah, this meant that the heat was probably amplified by about 5 times. That, plus the humidity of the air, was so intense that after a few minutes, I was pouring out sweat. This was just too much.

“Wow, it is so hot!!!! Is there any way we can get out of this killer heat? I don’t know how much I can take,” I complained.

“Well, better get used to it. We’re staying here for about a month, so better learn to adapt to this heat,” said my dad.

“Is there any air conditioning at our grandparents’ house? If not, I don’t think that I can make it through the entire month,” said my brother.

After much complaining, we finally got a taxi and put all our luggage in the trunk. As soon as I set foot in the cab, I experienced one of the best feelings that I had ever felt. The cab was air-conditioned. Instantly, I become cool and I breathed out a sigh of relief. If my grandparents have air conditioning, I might never go outside unless it is absolutely necessary. I had officially started my stay in Guangzhou, China. 

After a nice fifteen-minute drive through the busy streets of Guangzhou, we soon arrived at my grandparents’ apartment. Once again, I had to deal with the intense heat, while I helped unload all of our luggage and bring it up to the door of the apartment complex. My mom then dialed the number of my grandparents’ apartment space in order for them to unlock the door. When they picked up, I heard, for the first time that I could remember, the sound of my grandma’s voice.

            “Hello? Who is this?” said my grandma in Cantonese.

            “It’s us, mama. Open the door,” said my mom.

            Hey, I understand what she is saying. There maybe some hope left for me. I was astounded by the fact that I could understand everything she was saying over the speaker. Once the door opened, we proceeded up the long flight of stairs to the fourth floor and rang the doorbell. The door opened to reveal my two grandparents standing in the doorway.

            “Hello! Welcome back, Zhiming! And if it isn’t Carney and Daniel! Look at how big you have gotten!” said my grandma.

            “Say hi to your grandma and grandpa, Carney and Daniel,” said my mom.

            “Hi, grandma. Hi, grandpa,” said my brother and I.

            “Come on in. Let’s get you settled.”

            I was not expecting anything like that welcome at all. From my initial thoughts, I was expecting a less hearty welcome that would be filled with disapproval of what I was like. That welcome essentially shattered my former thoughts on acceptance here. My grandparents treated me no different than my mom and dad. With this acceptance came a sense of relief, for if I was wrong about this, then I could be wrong about so many other things concerning my family and China.

            My grandparents showed us where our rooms would be. I would be sharing a room with my brother in a spacious bedroom. When I went inside, the bedroom looked like any bedroom that I have seen. The only difference was that the bed had a net that cut the bed off from the outside environment when it was let down. I soon found out that this net was used to prevent mosquitoes from biting us when I decided to get some rest after the exhausting flight. However, this did not prevent the mosquitoes from biting us at any time. Whenever I wake up in the morning, I would feel itchiness on my legs, arms, torso, any place on my body that was exposed before I decided to go to sleep. You could say that from then on, I became mortal enemies with the mosquitoes that were abundant there.

            As the whole month went by, I spent most of my time getting acquainted with my relatives. What was the best moment for me was when I finally got to meet my cousins Jason and Susanna and learned that they were not so different from me. They shared many of my interests, like sports and music. I also found out that they were learning English in their schools, so I took the liberty to try and help them improve their English skills by talking to them. In the beginning, our conversations usually ended up with me asking questions and them answering with short sentences. Eventually, I was able to have full conversations with my cousins, like when I was talking to Susanna about college, since she was in the process.

            “Hey Susanna, what is the college process like here?” I said.

            “Well, I have to take a test to see what colleges I will be eligible for. The higher my score, the better college I can get into. What about in the US?” said Susanna.

            “It’s basically the same. We have to take a test that gives us a score out of 2400. Colleges then take this into account, along with our grades, and determine whether we get accepted there.”

            As I continued live in China, I realized that I was not out of place here in China. Many of their cultural aspects were alive and well in my house back home, like putting out offerings to our dead relatives, occasionally praying to the Chinese gods for luck in the year, or giving relatives red envelopes filled with money for luck. The language was also comfortable, for I was able to communicate on a level in which all of my relatives understood what I was saying.

            Finally, the last day in Guangzhou came. We packed up our bags and said goodbye to our relatives. I felt a sense of longing, for I had gotten used to China. It felt like my home away from home, for nothing was really out of place. So as I got on the train that would take me back to Hong Kong, away from Guangzhou, I felt certain sadness, for I did not know when would be my next visit back to this wonderful city. Yet, as I was taken away, not everything that I had done here would have been done in vain. I now had memories to take back with me, ones that fill me with happiness whenever I think back. My insecurities were now gone and I know that I will always be accepted here whenever I choose to come back. So, with this knowledge, I head towards the setting sun on this train, the train that connects my US heritage with my Chinese cultural identity.