Facing Empty Frames                          

“Wake up, Benjamin, time for school,” Maureen said, while caressing her son’s forehead. Benjamin was tired and sleepy; it was 6:45 and Benjamin always had to wake up this early so that his sister could get to school on time. Benjamin was eleven years old and in his first year of middle school. His sandy blonde hair went down to his eyebrows and stood out against his deep blue eyes. Benjamin was always good to his mother and loved her dearly.

Maureen went to knock on Kelly’s door to make sure her alarm went off. “Are you awake?” Maureen said. “Yeah mom!” Kelly replied yelling over her new favorite Britney Spears song. Kelly was fourteen years old and in her freshmen year of high school. As Kelly got older, she started to look more and more like her older sister, Annie. Kelly had long, straight, auburn hair and her eyes were a hazily brown, a stark contrast to her pale skin. Kelly had always loved swimming, her family and her friends, but since Annie had left for college, Kelly had been having trouble adjusting to not having her older sister with her everyday.

Maureen made her way down the stairs looking at all the family pictures she had put up over the years. What had Maureen’s life come to? Maureen had been putting up pictures for as long as she could remember, thinking and hoping it would somehow fulfill her and make her life a little bit better. The yesterdays and the past were places that felt safe to her.  Those worn and sometimes toothless photos of the kids validated the fact that she had created a family, one that others perceived as perfect.

            She continued her way downstairs into the kitchen to begin breakfast -- scrambled eggs and toast for the kids.  She pulled out two pieces of whole wheat toast and put them in the toaster. She was almost sleepwalking. She set the table, as she did every morning. A napkin for Benjamin. A napkin for Kelly. A plate for Benjamin. A plate for Kelly. The same routine every morning. She put on her robe, her hard-soled slippers, fed her cat, Fatty, and went outside for her favorite part of her day -- her morning cigarette. The little moment of her life that represented freedom and took her back to her teenage days.  She walked back and forth through her garden, inhaling, then exhaling. The smoke ran down her throat-- bringing her goose bumps, the ones she looked forward to. She put out her cigarette and ran inside as she heard the kids come down the stairs; it was almost as if she were in her long ago basement and her parents were coming down the steps. They sat down to eat their breakfast and she put out the butter dish and the assortment of jams and juices -- strawberry, raspberry, blackberry, peach and orange, cranberry, guava and mango. Maureen loved ritual. She always presented a wide array of choices. It was as if they were her safety net and they represented options in her life. Benjamin and Kelly quickly finished their breakfasts and ran back upstairs to play on the computer and finish getting ready for school. Maureen began to dial Annie, her eldest daughter, as she did every morning. Annie is eighteen and in her first year at University of Michigan. Maureen gets choked up as she dials each number 3…1…..tears keep rolling down her cheeks. Now that summer is over and Annie has gone away to college Maureen feels lost without her. She misses the summer days where the three kids and Maureen would do everything together. Now Maureen sits there and can’t even dial her own daughter’s phone number, just wishing she was still home with her. She glanced at the clock realizing it was 7:30. Kelly would start school in thirty minutes.

“Kids, lets go! Kelly, you know how much you hate being late!” She yelled up the stairs.

“Comin’,” Kelly replied, running quickly.

“Mom, I can’t find my history book, do you know where it is?” Benjamin yelled from his bedroom.

“Are you serious? We are gonna be soooo late!” Kelly said, annoyed.

Maureen ran up the stairs searching all over Benjamin’s room, hoping that they would find it, so that Kelly wouldn’t get mad again. Maureen ran through all the possible places it could be. Ben’s bed, the office, her room, Kelly’s room, the bathroom, the kitchen, Maureen decided there was no time and he would just have to go without it.

Maureen and Benjamin ran to the car where Kelly was waiting impatiently.

“Did you find it?” Kelly asked quickly.

“No we didn’t and I really—oh here it is, Mama!” Benjamin said picking up the book from under his seat.

“Great--and its only 7:45. Kelly, I will make it there as fast as I can,” Maureen said.

“I hope so,” Kelly said.

Maureen drove on the freeway looking at the beautiful fall trees--her favorite time of year was autumn. When the ochre and cinnamon colored leaves fall into the streets and the air is cool and crisp. She took a deep breath, grateful that the most stressful part of her day was over.

Maureen gets home and hurries upstairs to get ready for her day. She walks into her bedroom and lays down on her king sized bed. She remembers the day where she and David decided to get a big bed after having Kelly so that they could fulfill their dream of having a “family bed.” The bed only reminds Maureen of the way her life could have been if David hadn’t moved to New York City for work. Every time she looks at it, it reminds her of her loneliness. She decides to call David since it has been four days since they’ve talked. Maureen picks up the phone and dials his number.

“Hi EAG Advertising Group, Shelly speaking,” Shelly, David’s receptionist answered.

“Hey, Shelly, it’s Maureen,” she said hoping to hear her husband’s voice.

“Hi Maureen”

            “Is David there?” Maureen said, biting her lower lip.

“One moment please,” Shelly replied.

            “Thanks….Hey Hon, I haven’t talked to you in awhile and wanted to see how things were going in the Big Apple,” she said attempting to make light of her hurt heart.

“Hi, I can’t talk now, I’ll call you later,” David said quickly.

 “Oh.., ok…, ya call me later,” Maureen said, tears slowly starting to roll down her cheek.

Maureen hung up the phone, not able to breathe. What was she thinking? Why would she think he would answer the phone and actually be excited to hear her voice? He was always busy and never available for her.

She went into the bathroom and turned on the shower faucet. She took off her clothes and got into the shower. The hot water beat hard against her back. She broke down. Her sobs sounded like a wounded animal. Tears streamed from her eyes. Her stomach and back hurt from convulsing. She was alone, no one to hear her and no one to comfort her. Maureen stayed in the shower for nearly an hour, her body breaking down into pieces.

            The doorbell rang. No one answered. It rang again. No answer. It rang again. No answer.

            Maureen hears a knock at her bathroom door. She quickly turns off the faucet and steps out of the shower and wraps a towel around her body. She opens the door.

“Lucy --what are you doing here?”

Lucy had just moved to Buffalo from Charleston and Maureen had just hired her to be her assistant at the local law firm in town.

“Hey! You didn’t come into work this morning and you never called in to say you were sick or something, so I just wanted to come to see if everything was ok,” Lucy said cheerfully.

            Maureen began to sob. She stood in the doorway unable to stop her constant crying. Maureen had so many feelings of anger and sadness towards the way her life turned out and now she didn’t know what to feel. Lucy opened her arms to Maureen and let her cry. Lucy didn’t know why Maureen was so upset, but she knew from the sound of her sob that it was big.

Maureen wrapped her arms around Lucy’s back and gripped her tight. Maureen’s body shook back and forth towards Lucy’s body. Lucy slowly caressed her wet hair and damp back and started to try to calm Maureen down.

“Everything is going to be ok my darlin’. Cry--it’s good for the heart and the head. That’s what my Mama always says,” Lucy said, trying to comfort her.             

             Lucy stood in the doorway of the bathroom for a long time waiting for Maureen to let all her tears out and gather herself so they could talk.

Maureen slowly began to gather her thoughts and started to take deep breaths. Lucy waited calmly for Maureen to be ok.

Maureen took another deep breath.

Lucy sweetly asked her what had made her so upset.

Maureen toke one more deep breath and began to let it out. She told Lucy everything: her relationship with David, her children, her smoking. Lucy was quiet and attentive, which is exactly what Maureen needed.

Lucy began to open up about some of the things she had been feeling ever since she had arrived in Buffalo four months ago.

“You know Maureen, I used to be in love with a man named Charles, and boy oh boy did I love him. We met through my friend Belle and I fell right in love. We moved in, got married, the whole shabang! But about three years into our marriage I found out he had been cheatin’ on me. I had never felt so alone before. I didn’t leave the house for two whole months. We got divorced and I decided to move here to be with my sister for awhile.”

Maureen realized that she was so busy hiding her own pain that she couldn’t see the pain in others. Maybe Lucy wasn’t exactly the person David used to be, or her children are, but she was there for her in the moment and to Maureen that was a relationship worth developing.

Maureen listened attentively and let Lucy open up to her and they realized they had a lot more in common then they would of ever thought.  Her friendship with Lucy fulfilled her. She had a lot of advice to give and speaking to Lucy made her realize that she needed to listen to herself. Maureen had always been so good about caring for others that she forgot that she was worth caring for.

Maureen began attending a women’s group.  At first she was timid but she knew that it would really help her. She couldn’t remember the last time she actually thought about what she wanted.  What would her children learn from her, that in order to love you must sacrifice?  When was it her turn?  Being raised by a single mother Maureen swore she would create a close two-parent family.  Being alone was Maureen’s biggest fear and yet that is exactly what she created, an excuse for someone to lead a single life while she raised her children on her own.  It was time for change and change could only begin one day at a time.  She vowed she would start her mornings earlier in order to think about what she wanted.  She would create a way of bringing new friendships and interests into her life.  From that moment forward she knew it was only the “moment” she should be thinking about.  Now looking at the old photos Maureen didn’t pine for the past but felt proud of what she created. She looked forward to getting to the bottom of the stairs and near the front door to see a new future, one that wasn’t clear but that definitely had many great possibilities.