Choices

            I stare up into the pressing darkness as I lay in my room. I just want to be alone for a while, after what had just happened. I’m torn by my indecision over what I should do. Should I go with my original plan or should I stay with my family? Fuck, I can’t decide!! There are all these consequences that’ll come up if I choose either one. This just sucks so much. What should I do, what should I do, God please, what should I do?

            It all started a few hours ago when I got home from school. It was nearing the end of my senior year and I was psyched about graduating and moving on to college. Even though I’m not the best student in the class, I’ve studied and worked as hard as I could, just like my older brother. He graduated eight years ago and went to a college in Boston, Massachusetts, where he earned his master’s degree in business. Now, he runs his own small business, making him plenty of money. I always looked up to my brother, and seeing him become so successful, made me want to do the same thing. Little did I know how much trouble and indecision this would cause me…

            I took the bus home, like I did everyday and got off my stop near my dad’s carpenter business, which also doubles as a home for my family and me. It’s a small place, but it’s home to me. My dad started this business when he came over here from Europe as a young man and started it from scratch, using the only thing he knew about: carpentry. He had to work a bunch of odd jobs just to make enough to rent out a small building complex and buy all the tools he needed. From there, he proceeded to open up his business as soon as he could. He was kept busy every week, doing all sorts of jobs for his customers, such as fixing up wooden chairs or broken table legs. When he wasn’t helping a customer, he was building his own merchandise to sell to people. He poured his heart and soul into this business. This business was our livelihood and without it, we would be nothing.

            I stepped through the sturdy, heavy front door, where the familiar smell of wood welcomed me. I could hear the heavy thuds of my dad’s hammer hitting his latest piece of work, a bench that had been elaborately engraved by his delicate hands. It was a custom order from his latest customer and he had spent hours on this already. I went back up to my room and began my homework. Ahh, just a few more weeks and all of this will be over. I’ll be relaxing for the next few months and then I’ll be on my way to college. Things are looking bright for me right now. But now, I need to focus on my schoolwork right now. But now, I need to focus on my schoolwork right now. Then I’ll tell my folks about my plans and see what they think .If all goes well, I’ll send in my applications.

            It was six when I came down for dinner. My mom had already cooked everything and was now setting up the table. I went and got all of the tableware that we would need. Soon, we gathered around the table and started eating.

            “How was school today, Danny?” said my mom.

            “It was alright, just like any other day. My teachers really think that I have a future. But lately, I’ve been thinking about what I want to do after I graduate,” I said.

            “Really? What are you thinking about doing?” said my mom.

            “I think that I’m going to do the same thing that Jason did and go to college.”

As I continued on, explaining how I could get at least a bachelor’s degree, my dad ate in silence. I could see that he was brooding over what I had just said and from his stony-faced expression, I could tell that something was wrong.

“Something wrong, Dad?”

            “Yes! There is something wrong! Have you ever thought about us and the business? What about us? I can’t keep supporting the family on my own now! I’m getting too old! You are not going to college, you’re staying here, where you can take over the business!”

            “But Jason went to col…”                                         

            “So what about Jason! He already has a job and plus, he’s the oldest. He should have the opportunity to go out and make a living of his own. You know the old customs! You’re the youngest, so you have to stay behind and help take care of your family!”

            “This is so unfair! Why do I need to follow those old-fashioned customs!?!?! Why can’t you just let me decide on what I want to do with my life?!?”

            I left the table and ran up the stairs back to my room. As I left, I could hear mom scolding dad for not encouraging me to follow my dreams and dad yelling at her about how she was wrong and that he was doing what was best for the family. I slammed the door behind me and sat on my bed. Why does it have to be like this? Why, why, WHY?!?!? All I wanted to do is follow in the footsteps of my brother. Fuck you. Dad, fuck you.

            As I pondered my problem, I suddenly had the idea of calling Jason and asking him for advice. I picked up the phone that sat next to my bed and dialed the number to his house in Boston.

            “Hello?”

            “Hey Jason. It’s me, Danny.”

            “Oh, hey! What’s up? I haven’t talked to you in a while.”

            “I was wondering if you could give me some advice, because right now, my life seems to be turning upside down.”

            His voice took on a concerned tone. “What’s wrong? Are things okay back home? Did something happen to the family?”

            “No, its just that I was planning on going to college, but Dad doesn’t want me to go. He wants me to take over the business and support him and mom. If I were to go to college, I’d be leaving them behind and you know that Dad isn’t as active. I don’t think that he’d be able to keep up, especially if he had to pay for my college tuition.”

“Hmm, that’s tough. I would offer to give financial help to them, but I don’t know if that would do that much good. If I were you, I would just follow what your heart tells you to do. I know that this doesn’t seem to be good advice, but ultimately, its your choice on whether or not you follow your dream. Either way, you’re going to have to give up something: your dream or your family. You decide what’s more important. That’s all I can say. Sorry about what’s happening to you right now.”

He hung up, leaving me more undecided than ever. The indecision continued to gnaw away at me inside, to the point where I started feeling as if I were going to go crazy. I became more frantic as each minute went by, because I knew I had to come to a decision soon. Just as when I felt like I was going to explode from all of my emotions boiling inside of me, I heard a knock on the door.

            “Danny? Can I come in?” came the muffled sound of my mom’s voice through my door.

            I gazed up from my bed, walked over to the door, and wrenched it open. There she stood, a very concerned expression on her face.

            “You look terrible. What have you been doing all this time?”

            As she peered into my room, she took in my disheveled bed, combined with my appearance, and realized what I had been going through. She stepped into the room, closed the door, and sat down on the bed. She patted the bed on a spot next to her, so I sat down.

“Don’t listen to your father. He hasn’t exactly had a great childhood. In fact, he is much like you. Your father was the youngest in his family, so he never got to realize his dream either. Where did you think he learned how to do his woodwork? He learned it from Grandpa. I think that you just need to calm down and look from his point of view, especially since he follows our customs almost religiously. He’s just doing what he believes is best for the family.”

“But why the fuck can’t he just get over it? It’s not as if you guys are going to die when I’m gone for just a few fucking years. You guys could probably get support from Jason, I know he’ll give you guys money!”

“You know that your father is too proud. If he had to accept aid, it would his pride, and that’s something that he is very dear to him.”

“Then what should I do?!?”

She sighed. “Well, I think that it’s best if you follow your dream. Sure, we may have to go through tough times, and your father may be crushed by your choice, but I believe that you deserve to take this opportunity. I believe that deep down, your father thinks so as well.”

“Thanks, mom. I think I need some to myself now.”

So here I am now, lying on my bed, still pondering what I should do. As I continue to look up at the ceiling, I can see many things in the darkness. Due dates for all of my applications, my dad yelling at me for betraying our traditions, all sorts of different outcomes pop out right in front of me. What I choose now will determine what will happen next. So I sat up and finally made my decision.