Hong Zhu ( Thomas Zhu )

-- Oh, my memory of school.

            When I was approximately six years old, I was still in the kindergarten with a bunch of little kids. No homework, no quizzes or tests – or, nothing but just playing around. At that moment, I did not have any deep thoughts concerning the future. I thought life would just be ended like this. However, after several months, my parents told me what elementary school was, and told me that I had to leave from the kindergarten that I had stayed for almost four years. However, they did not mention anything but the difference between their names.

            I forgot when I started to do my first assignment in the elementary school. Although doing assignments was something that I could not rapidly adapt to do, the time I mostly spent my time in playing around with friends. The only difference was the smiles were not such frequently appeared on our faces comparing of the past, because something was on our shoulder – although it was not a burden, it appeared to be something we could afford.

            During middle school, my weekends did not belong to me any more. I forgot how many lines of homework assignments were on my notebooks, which I had to finish and turn them in on Monday. I sometimes thought back and yearned over my childhood, but a sigh was always the feedback – it wasn’t coming back.

-- Something fades away

The past always attracts me and makes me addicted in memorizing. Referring to my childhood, I would like to ride a bicycle across the streets. There was no doubt at that time – it was independence, I believed. The only important thing is all in one moment, enjoying my childhood, fantasizing about my future. Oops, I cannot remember more. I thought I was not afraid of anything, because nothing could stop a naïve little child.

As for the time goes by, I gradually noticed that the number of cars on the street was steadily increasing. The only thing I could hear was the sound of the beep from a car. The only thing I could see was the smoke from the motorcycles. Abruptly, I just realized something. There seemed that something was fading away from my past. The time and memory within the bicycle would not come back any more. I attempted to hold it, but everything came on the last was just falling down and breaking apart.

-- I am too fat!

            I was a fat kid since I was young. As for a result, I had to endure every kind of discrimination that was on me. Every time when my school had a physical examination, there was always snickering - on the number appears on the bathroom scales - from those people who looked thinner; on the street, people frequently looked back and looked at me as a “monster;” even in the restaurant, the thing that waiter brought up to me was not something to eat – they were shames. Indeed, I would like to attract people’s attention on me, but it was not something like this.

            However, as for the time passing by, there was nothing except numbness. I had been affected, because I had listened to something concerning “fat” since I was young. Yes, I looked like a “monster,” so I never complained about what those people said to me, because I did not have the rights. According to the fact, all of the friends I had were all fat, because we all had a common fantasy, which made us close together. Even for my parents, they always suggested me to go outside and play some sports. Probably, they said that in a positive way; however, everything I received was only insults.

-- Cash vs. Paper

            When I was little, I would like to proactively do some housework for my mother, but she knew – everything I wanted at last was just the cash to buy the ice cream. Well, I got addicted in doing that, but this was entirely reasonable. On the street, when you see a child held $10 cash, and went into an ice cream shop or super market, you can always receive a kind of happiness from their faces. Exactly, that was what I, no, every little kid was thinking at those ages.

            Turning over a piece of colorful printed paper, and getting back something I wanted to have – this is extremely simple to learn. However, when I was older, my views began to change. Cash is not a piece of color printed paper any more, instead, it is an attraction or satisfaction for people’s greed. I don’t know how many negative stories I heard about money. Just to get more money, people will kill each other, and finally go to jail. Just by a moment, I was aware of the $10 I hold was not a piece of paper any more; instead, it became an underlying lure and a lesson of life.

-- Future within a pause

I rarely attempt to depict my past to be perfect, or even talk about it. As for my own thoughts, I desire to illustrate my past so it will become brilliant, but I am also afraid it shines so bright that I am not able to see it clearly. As for what I know, dream will not come to me if I am not ready to catch them. However, at the same time I have no idea of how to do so, because I am not that kind of person who could force themselves to set lots of goals. Everything I am doing is in the process of being investigated, so I finally flee from talking about them.

Indeed, I have a completely different background from others students’. I am an immigrant, colored, who cannot speak English as well as the native English language speakers. The obstruction of language seems to build an impenetrable difficulty during my past. Everything that I can do is just to envisage the future all on my own. Three years ago, this is what I was thinking – when I came to the United States.

Throughout the time, I finally see my future more clearly, and commence putting myself in an appropriate place in this society. English is more and more fluent, so that I am able to develop my talent to attract people’s attention on me, such as doing some extracurricular activities at school; developing some personal interests as I can; and among others. Everything seems to be in the right track.

At this point, I suddenly realize that the past never left me alone, nor has it frozen itself to wait for me to get ready. Within the time passes, I have grown older and been more able to face the past correctly. However, future is still difficult to catch: It is just like a kite. If I grasp it too tightly, it might be clawed and broken down. If I leave it go, it might fly away farther and farther until entirely disappearing in my vision.

-- Reality and Dream

            Memoir is a true story concerning ourselves when we face and deal with my past. Personally, I have already come to this world for approximately 17 year. However, the fact is that I do not have a long enough memory that is able to describe what happened throughout these 17 years. The only thing we can still looked for and trailed was the emotion. Although I am able to expatiate what has happened since the age I can remember now, I cannot guarantee how true is that going to be, or whether everything in the past is based on reality. How do we distinguish dream and reality? I have no idea, because nothing is able to gain them a property that is either a dream or reality. On the other hand, the dream and reality was going to be distinguished when we put actions in them. I personally get addicted in dreaming, in career, future, academics, and myself; however, I don’t dare to dream excessively much, although I even don’t know what either reality or dream is. I have no idea about how to tell a truth, because there is no exact definition of the word “reality” in my mind. In addition, I know I am not that kind of person who enjoyed debating, therefore I prefer to push away this impossible task to the people who like to argue. At least, there is some truth in my mind at this moment, which is … I cannot continuous, because reality is not able to be put into languages; as for what people frequently say, everyone deals with reality in their daily life, probably I am wrong; but according to a distance between reality and dreams, it doesn’t exist since ever: people just give the things they all or mostly believe in a name, called reality; I mean there is no actual difference between reality and dream; reality and dream are only occurred during people’s momentary thoughts; however, I ask myself more and more for the real answer, but less and less I receive.

            Just the same as for the memoir, throughout the time, we are able to see the changes around us. However, is the fact that the things around us had changed? Or, the only thing that kept changing is ourselves?