Rub
The jug was large and purple. There were long continuous strings of gold paint wrapping around its various curves. All these strings came together to form a circle around a word, meant to be an instruction, written in large black letters:
The man holding this jug is called Fritz. Fritz is a character that I, an author, would consider at first glance to be boring and non descript. He is average in everyway possible-average height, average hair, average looks, etc. However, if one were to delve into my character outline, one would be surprised to find that Fritz is a complex young man.
Now Fritz, being a fairly intelligent man, rubbed the jug. He waited a moment- nothing happened.
A small voice (mine) hung at the back of his mind. “Try rubbing harder.”
He listened, nodded, and then proceeded to rub harder.
The jug began to vibrate, and there was the sound of a balloon popping. There was a poof of smoke and a tall thin man appeared. His clothes were a bit rumpled and his face unshaven. He pulled out a cigarette. He was a Genie.
“Hey, do you got a lighter?”
Fritz shook his head no.
“Shoot, well maybe…” The Genie searched his pockets and produced a small blue lighter. He lit his cigarette. The smell of burning tobacco filled the room and Fritz subtly tried to blow it away from his face.
“So, what do you want?” The Genie took another drag.
“Well…I. What do you mean?”
“What do I mean? I mean you freed me from my prison, blah blah blah, now you get some wishes. So, what do you want?”
Fritz’s face lit up. “Oh! Well, I guess I’d like…hmm this is a bit tough…” Not only is Fritz an average character, he is also very indecisive.
“Well, what do you like? You like chicks? Or dudes? Or food? Or money?”
“Money! Yes, I’d like to wish for um, unlimited money? Is that how I should say it?”
“Yeah, yeah that’s fine.” The Genie reached into his pocket. “Here, you got a Swiss bank account, loads of money, at least more than you’ll ever need.” He handed Fritz a little piece of paper with an account number on it. “Okay, now what do you want?”
Fritz sighed, “This is really hard, I don’t know what I want!”
“Well, okay do you have any friends? I don’t want to be mean, but you seem like the kinda guy that sits at home alone on weekends. Am I right?”
Fritz pursed his lips. In all honesty, while outlining this story I inadvertently created a sad friendless character that did indeed spend his weekends alone. “I have friends…we just don’t hang out that often…”
“Right, so you wish for a best friend that will never abandon you?” The genie, growing impatient, dropped his cigarette on the floor and put it out with his heel.
“Oh, I suppose.” Fritz wondered what kind of person to expect.
“Okay imagine the perfect friend and they’ll be yours…okay? Go.”
Fritz scrunched his face up tight and imagined himself a best friend. There was again the sound of a popping balloon. Fritz opened his eyes rather slowly because he was afraid of what he might see. I can assure you now that Fritz did not imagine himself an average best friend. On the contrary, I decided to spice up the story a bit and his new friend proved to do just that.
Fritz stared at the Genie, who was staring at Fritz’s new best friend, Steve. Steve was a bit taller than Fritz and he was green. If there were a scientist in the room, he would have defined Steve as a Parasaurolophus. However, because I am not a scientist and do not know any scientists, I was forced to search for Steve’s true name on wikipedia. The parasaurolophus was a genus of hadrosaurid (duck-billed) dinosaur from the Upper Cretaceous Period (about 76-65 million years ago) of what is now North America. Their most noticeable feature would have been the long curved crest, protruding from the rear of the head, often longer in males than in females.
“Well…I will admit that I was not expecting that.” The Genie was understandably surprised. “This is what you wanted? A dinosaur? Why not a hot model or any human being at all?”
“Well, I like dinosaurs. They’ve always been pretty cool in my eyes.” Fritz shrugged.
“Can I ask what’s going on?” Steve didn’t have an accent that one would expect a dinosaur to have. I guess its because I have no idea what an dinosaur would sound like. Except for maybe John Goodman who voiced a T-Rex in “We’re Back”.
Anyways, it is obvious that Fritz and the Genie would be very surprised by all this, which they were. Fritz stood mouth agape, staring at Steve who gazed back and appeared to smile.
“I…my name’s Fritz.” Fritz smiled, but it probably looked like more of a grimace.
“Oh good! My name is Steve.” He smiled.
The Genie walked over to Fritz and clasped him on the shoulder. “ Well this was fun, but I’ve got to go. I’ll see you again someday.”
Fritz watched as he strode over to the widow and pushed it open. “Wait! What about my last wish? Don’t I get a few more?”
The Genie climbed on the ledge then shouted over his shoulder, “You can have as many as you want I guess. I’ll just listen for you to make them. Be sure to shout!”
With that he jumped out the widow and soared away to Fiji. I actually chose Fiji at random, but it sounds like a nice place to vacation.
Fritz turned to Steve who shrugged. “Steve, are you hungry?”
Steve nodded, “I would kill for a salad right now!”
“Oh, so your not carnivorous? That’s a relief.” He held the door open for Steve.
Steve laughed, “Thank you. And no I don’t eat meat, so I won’t eat you! I’m strictly a herbivore.”
The two friends left the building laughing uproariously, an adjective I am very fond of, and strolled down the street. They came to a stop in front of Fritz’s favorite restaurant, Hot Füd. It was a semi vegetarian café that was rather ironically next door to a large restaurant called Carnivorous Pete’s. A group of large, smelly people pushed past Fritz and waddled into Pete’s.
Steve and Fritz wandered into Hot Füd and sat down at a table by the window. Steve had a bit of a time getting his tale to fit around the chair, but eventually he picked up his menu and selected a salad. Now I know that all of you reading this must be thinking that it is absolutely ridiculous that a dinosaur no bigger than a man would try to order a salad at a classy café like Hot Füd, but I can assure you that no establishment is too classy for our friend Steve.
So, Steve ordered his salad and Fritz had some soup. The waitress refilled their glasses and wandered off to the back of the restaurant. Music played softly and Fritz realized it was someone covering Johnny Cash; whoever it was, they sucked.
“God, I love the food here but this place is sooo boring! At least at other restaurants the waiters have interesting things to say. I wish she would say something totally random, just to prove me wrong…”
Fritz slumped back in his chair and pouted. However, he did not realize that his Genie who was vacationing in Fiji had overheard him. The Genie set down his fruity cocktail and granted Fritz’s wish, and then went back to romancing the vacationer next to him. She was not interested, but I dare say he was a very persistent man.
Anyways, Fritz was still pouting when the waitress returned with their check.
“Here you go guys, can I get you anything else?”
Fritz shook his head.
“Well, can I tell you something I just found out last week at a palm reader? In my past life, I died during World War II! Isn’t that crazy? I guess I was a French guy or something. She told me all about it! It really explained these weird dreams I’ve been having-they’re like something out of Saving Private Ryan or something. But I guess life’s just funny that way sometimes!”
As she walked away, Fritz stared at Steve who grinned. He slapped a ten-dollar bill down on the table and jumped up. Now that he knew the genie really was listening, he was going to have some fun. Steve stood up and they began to leave the restaurant.
“Wait! Don’t leave!” The waitress rushed over. This young woman, I have decided, took on this job as a waitress because she liked to watch customers come in and order. She always writes down what she thinks they will order, and for every order she gets right, she rewards herself with a piece of candy from the bowl on the counter.
Anyway, this waitress had successfully stopped Fritz and Steve and now delivered her very important message. “Did you want any dessert? We have a really good black licorice cake. It’s amazing!”
Fritz shook his head and walked out onto the street. He turned to Steve. “She was pretty weird huh? Talking about palm readers and WWII…ugh and I hate black licorice, I don’t see how anyone can enjoy it.”
Steve shrugged. “Maybe you should wish that it didn’t exist. You know, just to test out your wishing skills.”
“Good idea! I wish black licorice didn’t exist!”
Fritz called out his wish as loud as possible, but the genie was, at the moment, preoccupied with receiving a deep tissue massage from a large Swedish woman. I suppose she doesn’t have to be Swedish, but at least large and a bit domineering. Whatever you want to imagine her as, be my guest.
Fritz, thinking his wish had been heard and granted, rushed into the nearest grocery and went straight to the candy section.
“Hmm, there’s red licorice, lollipops, and…what!” He picked up a pack of black licorice vines. “They still exist? Where the hell is that genie? This sucks.”
He threw down the licorice and stormed out of the grocery store. Steve waddled out after him, knocking down a display of tuna cans with his tail. They set off down the street as Fritz mumbled angrily under his breath.
Steve caught phrases like “son of a…” and “good for nothing…” before something far more important caught his attention. He stopped in his tracks and a woman ran into his back. Steve, who was usually very polite, was far too mesmerized to apologize to the bruised and confused young lady.
“Fritz, we have to stop. We have to go there!”
Fritz spun around. “Why? What’s the matter?”
He was greeted with the sight of Steve running down the street. He ran after Steve who, surprisingly enough, could move pretty fast. Now, I’m not really sure how a parasaurolophus runs, but I assume that they run similar to humans. So, according to me, Steve raced off, his huge feet smacking the pavement. His flailing tail knocked some people out of the way and tripped others.
Up ahead, Fritz saw a park. Even from a block away the grass looked lush and green, the trees stood tall and full of leaves, and the tiny children on the play structure looked horrified.
One particular girl named Emmy was especially frightened because earlier she had been knocked over by a large German Shepard named Haans. Haans had been very polite and apologized before leading his flock of sheep to another part of the park, but Emmy feared that Steve might not be as polite. So she stood alone at the bottom of the slide and cowered in her little white sandals.
Luckily, Steve steered away from the play structure at the last moment and ran out onto the field. He raced, arms pumping, sweat and spit flying, towards a shady patch of flowers under a large oak tree. Unfortunately a rogue tricycle, my favorite thing on wheels, flew out from under a small simian named Tommy and into Steve’s path. In a very dramatic moment, one that I imagine happening in slow motion, Steve tripped over the tricycle and fell. Sliding through the grass, he came to a halt in the flower patch he had been aiming for all along.
Now I would like to insert a moment of drama in the form of a snail who also happens to be named Steve. For sanity’s sake, we will call him Steve2. I believe Steve2 to be a family man with a wife and a few Steve2 Jrs. at home. Steve2 works at a leaf eating plant up on the oak that shades Steve’s flower patch. On this particular day, Steve2 was running late because he had had an extra large number of leaves that required eating. His exit occurred at the exact moment of Steve’s entrance.
As Steve began his forward slide into the patch, Steve2 attempted to turn around and run back up the tree. Of course, being a snail, Steve2 had considerable trouble racing up the oak. He screamed out to anyone that could hear to save him and traveled another two millimeters up the tree.
Somehow, perhaps it was by some miracle, Fritz heard Steve2’s cry for help and shouted as loud as possible, “I wish that little snail on the tree that Steve is about to crush was safe at home with his family!”
I have to admit that I don’t have much of a stomach for death or pointless violence, so you may be happy (or disappointed) to know that the genie did indeed hear Fritz’s wish and Steve2 appeared, a moment before impact, screaming in his living room. He told his story to all of his friends and became a living legend. Snails still whisper of Steve2 and his tales of teleportation.
By the time Fritz arrived, panting, at the shady flower patch, Steve had already found a particularly delightful bit of grass. He was chewing slowly, deep in thought. Fritz dropped onto the grass next to him and rolled onto his back.
“God, I wish I was in better shape! I can’t believe I am this worn out…” Fritz sighed and wiped the sweat from his brow.
“Well, now that you said that it will probably come true. Later you should try bench-pressing your own weight or pick up a car or something. I’ll spot you.”
“That’s so true! But would you be able to catch a car? I mean dinosaurs are big and all, but are you really strong too?”
Steve looked away from the grass. “You know I never really thought about that. I’m not sure if I’m strong. I’m heavy, that’s for sure, but I don’t know if I’m super strong or anything like that.”
I’m sure you’re wondering right now if the genie heard Fritz’s wish, which he did. However, he had a bit of trouble gauging what kind of shape Fritz wanted to be in. I’m not even sure what Fritz wants anymore, and I created him. So, the genie and I were forced to guess. His new level of physique is equal to that of a man in very good shape, but not bulky or incredibly skinny.
Anyways, Fritz was growing tired, which is very understandable as he has had a rather tiring day. As he lay on the grass gazing up to the sky, he began to nod off. He closed his eyes and listened to the soft laughter of children and Steve munching on his grass. His breathing slowed and he began to fall asleep.
Something wet landed on his forehead. He opened his eyes and felt another wet something land on his face, followed quickly by a dozen more. He sat up and scooted back under the tree. Cowering at his right was Steve, who was clutching his tail and making weird panting sounds.
“Woah, Steve, are you okay?”
“No, I…no. Rain is not okay.”
“Why not?”
“It scares me.”
“What? How?” Fritz began to chuckle.
“Hey, it’s not funny! It’s weird and unnatural!”
“What do you mean, “unnatural”? Rain is a huge part of nature!”
“I know! But where does it come from? And where is it going? Did you ever think of that? Think about it, it’s so weird!”
“Well, we can go home if you want.”
“No! I’m not walking through that stuff. No way.”
“What do you want to do then? We can’t wait here forever.”
“I don’t know, can’t you do something? Call your genie or something!”
“Oh yeah! He’s probably somewhere tropical. Okay, I wish Steve and I were with the genie, wherever he is.”
There was a pop like a balloon and Fritz was standing knee deep in snow. Steve appeared a moment later and stood very still.
“Sooo…” Fritz looked around for the genie.
“Fritz, get us out of here right now.”
“But I-“
“Now! Snow is worse than rain. Take us back!”
“Okay fine! I wish we were back at the park!”
At that moment, the genie slowed to halt in front of our frosty pair. Fritz realized that the genie must have left Fiji to go skiing.
“Jeeze, you really can’t make up your mind can you? What do you want? Do you want to be here or there or somewhere else? Your dino buddy looks pretty cold-why don’t you go somewhere hot?”
Fritz looked over at Steve who was shivering. Steve opened his mouth and whispered something that Fritz took to be either hot or robot.
“What, Steve? You want a robot?” Steve rolled his eyes, as my fairly intelligent protagonist had a momentary brain fart.
“Hot!” Steve shouted angrily.
“Oh! Somewhere hot…ummm…Ah! Hawaii! I wish we were in Hawaii!”
The Genie nodded and Fritz blinked. He felt hot wind on his face and warm sand between his toes. Somehow the genie had transported them to Hawaii and taken off Fritz’s shoes. He was a multi-tasking genie, which in my opinion, is the best kind.
Fritz gazed over at Steve, who was cracking open a coconut. The genie spread out a dazzling beach towel on the sand and sat down next to Fritz. I have been to Hawaii before and must admit that my favorite time of day there is sunset. The temperature levels out perfectly and the vibrant coloring of the sky meeting the dark ocean creates a wonderful end to any day. Fritz and I share the simple joy experienced while watching this beautiful event.
However, at the moment it was only late afternoon. So Fritz knew he had a few hours to kill before sunset. To pass the time, he shared a coconut with Steve and attempted to fish with a piece of string tied to a stick. He built a sand castle with a young woman named Katie from Minnesota and offered her some coconut. They built a sprawling “sandopolis” and dug up some crabs to serve as royalty.
Fritz invited Katie back to his beach towel and she graciously accepted. Katie was a nice girl, a girl that I hadn’t planned on creating until about five minutes ago. I suppose Katie is a cute girl with brown hair and freckles. She likes simple things like dinosaurs and sand castles. I’ve decided that she and Fritz will carry on very well and perhaps, some time in the near future, settle down together with Steve in tow.
Steve greeted Katie with a smile and a wave. The genie grunted and brushed some sand off of his blanket. Fritz nudged him with his foot.
“Hey genie, can we have a picnic?”
The genie sat up, “Sure, that actually sounds pretty good right now.”
He stood up and pulled a picnic blanket out of his pocket and spread it out over the sand. They all sat on the blanket as the genie produced a large picnic basket. He pulled out a large sandwich and passed the basket to Fritz. Katie shared a plate of spaghetti with Fritz and Steve enjoyed a lovely garden salad that was lightly dressed and tossed with some spiced walnuts.
Fritz stared out as the horizon as the sun sunk deeper into the ocean and the sky melted into a mix of pinks, purples, and deep reds.