My Bestest Friend in the Whole Wide World

 “Meahh! Bwaah! Waah!”

“Shut up, you stupid baby,” I panted. The marsh was getting thicker and deeper with each turn of the wheels. The warm sludge was slowly rising; at my feet now. I struggled to turn over the pedals. My once beautiful, bordering on opulently expensive bicycle was now sullied and smelly, no more a gleaming work of art. Up ahead, my teammates were already out of the bog and on to the climb, their blue and black jerseys quickly disappearing around the bend. Two hundred meters. One-fifty. Fifty. Right at the edge of the marsh, and of exhaustion, I was pulled out by the dean of UC Santa Barbara, Jim Slemp. I continued rolling on as he handed me my new sunglasses.

“I have a tour guide set up for you to see the campus. He’s a chill dude. You two should hit it off. Ah, speak of the devil! Here he is now,” he said, looking and gesturing towards an oncoming figure. As the figure drew nearer, I realized it was an old acquaintance, Dylan Royal. He staggered a bit as he walked, and I caught a whiff of alcohol on his breath. Without so much as a how-de-doo, he made a beeline for my bike, trying to grab it from me. I held on for dear life, freeing my spare hand by throwing the still-wailing baby back into the marsh.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold your horses!!” I bellowed. Dylan stopped mid-punch, a confused look on his face. I calmly removed the white leather glove I kept in my backpack for just such an occasion.

“I challenge you to a duel,” I proclaimed, slapping his face with my glove. “Now bring it, bitch.”

He came at me, fists raised. His first blow hit me square in the jaw, the second swift to the gut. I staggered back, gasping for air. After two futile breaths, I found the air, and with it still in my lungs, I charged, tackling him to the ground. I began to pummel him with my fists, and after a couple minutes, I let him sit up and begin to look for his teeth. But only after one last farewell kick to the head.

Clutching my teddy bear, I hopped back on my bike, now stunningly devoid of any mud or sludge. My parents were calling me up ahead, past the Science building, which even in all it’s massive glory was dwarfed by the towering roller coaster behind it. We hurried to get to the BART station, where Teddy and I waited patiently for the next train. This particular BART station was like nothing I had ever seen. The walls were covered with exquisite rugs and paintings. Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel fresco adorned the ceiling, and the walls transitioned into rich mahogany floors. I heard a distant rumbling, and the many crystal chandeliers began to shake and tinkle together. The train came to a rest, smoke billowing out of its blowhole. The once sleek blue-black body was now encrusted in barnacles. Its eye, at least the one I could see, was a deep pool of black, but still had life dwelling deep within. The doors opened and I stepped in. I heard my parents yell at me from somewhere down the station. An arm, my father’s arm, grabbed me from the closing doors. But I had left Teddy on the train!

At that point, my distraught, addled mind failed to realize that not only was my teddy bear gone, the tiger I was supposed to be transporting had escaped as well! What to do, what to do! I decided that even though the tiger could be a potential threat to others, what with the claws and teeth and less-than-cheerful temperament, I had to get Teddy back. So I tossed some dental floss and Nutella into my hanker chief, tied it up onto a stick, stuck a piece of straw in my mouth and set off down the road.

Along the way, I stopped at a local shooting range. I thought, what the hell, why don’t I show these rednecks just what a city slicker like me is really made of. I hustled over to the local General Store, where I bought a big ol’ tub of K’NEX. I then commenced to building myself a super bow and arrow. In two hours time it was done. I got up and stood back to admire my creation. I mean really stood back. It was almost three hundred feet long and shaped like a big construction crane without tall support. I used the leftover K’NEX to build an axe, which I then used to go and chop down a tree to use as an arrow. In the midst of a dastardly, evil laugh, a little girl came up to me and tugged my pant leg.

“Canneye shoot it?” she asked timidly.

“Of course you can…NOT,” I replied kindly. “But what you can do is stand against that tree with an apple on your head. Now, I may or may not hit the apple; the ‘not’ probably resulting in your untimely death. Doesn’t that sound fun?”

The girl looked at the ground and shook her head.
            “Ah, come on now, it’s not that bad!” I said, lifting her up on my shoulders. “Either way, it will be over in no time.” I set her down beneath a giant sequoia on the edge of the forest.

            “Okay, now just sit tight while I prepare the arrow.” I hoisted the tree trunk above my head and thrust it into the long plastic pipe. The nock caught the string, and I began to wind it back. About a half mile away I stopped.

            “Alright, sweetie, you ready? Three, two, one-“ I hit the lever. The arrow let out a dull thwump! as it left the bow. It whistled, no, shrieked as it flew threw the air towards the Granny Smith perched on the little girl’s head. She screamed and closed her eyes, but the air flew true and hit the apple dead on, then kept right on going through the tree and into the forest. I like to thing that that arrow is still out there somewhere, reaping destruction and leaving chaos in its wake.

A few weeks later a newspaper blew across my windshield as I was driving towards downtown Caracas, Venezuela. Just before I collided with a series of lampposts, I read that that arrow had indeed flown straight through that forest, across the local interstate, where it unfortunately created a major accident from ripping a hole in the side of an eighteen wheeler, over the suburbs, knocking off more than a few satellite dishes, until it finally came to rest at the foot of the Empire State Building in New York City. I expect that little occurrence caused many a stock broker to produce more adrenalin in their veins than all the three dollar cups of coffee they buy ever day combined. As for the arrow, it was transported to the logging yard where it was turned into lumber. I like to think that our paths will cross (pun intended) again sometime in archery heaven, where I can finally meet my childhood idols, William Tell, Robin Hood, Errol Flynn, and of course that dreamy, dreamy elf, Legolas.

Anyways, back to my quest. After bidding the shooting range a sweet triumphant in-you-redneck-faces adieu, I set off back down the lonesome highway. After a few hours of trudging, I begin to hear things. Like rustles in the bushes behind and beside me. The sky was turning a deep purple with orange streaks as I made camp. The Nutella in my backpack had melted in the midday sun, so I just drank it from the jar and stuffed a couple pieces of bread into my mouth along with it. In the midst of trying to swallow said meal, a tiger stepped out of the darkness around the fire.

Not just any tiger, though. I would recognize his black stripes anywhere, that rapscallion. It was none other than the Pete, the very same tiger me and my crew had been charged with transporting from the zoo!

“Oh, Petey, I’m so glad I found you!” I sobbed. “Wherever did you go?”

“Well, Andy, after I escaped your clutches, I decided to travel. I went you Europe first, you know, to get ‘cultured’ and whatnot. I did Prague and Budapest, but ah, I was in paradise when I reached Vienna. Did you know that Vienna is the capital of Austria?!? I know, right! Whowouldathunkit?”

Damn. I was jealous. Pete and all his geography knowledge. I felt like I had to make things right with him somehow, as he could prove to be a valuable alley in the quest to find my Teddy.
            “Look, Pete. I’m real sorry about keeping you in that box. You know I was just the middleman, right? How about this: You be my bodyguard on the journey, and you know, maul anybody who fucks with us, and I’ll take you straight to the Don. He is a tough chap, but still has skin soft as a baby’s bottom, follow me? As in prime for utter mutilation. Whaddayasay?”

I held my breath while Pete considered my proposition. At one point, his eyes suddenly burned bright, in the forest of the night and I feared for my life. Then they softened again and he curtly nodded his head. My sigh of relief almost put out the already feeble fire I had somehow managed to build in the middle of the clearing. Petey soon wandered away into the gloom, to hunt I assumed, and I settled down into an uneasy sleep.

            The morning dawned cold and rainy. My fire had long since gone out, leaving me cold and shivering during the night. Petey was nowhere to be found, and I wondered if the last night had really been some kind of dream, but was quickly shook back into reality when I stumbled across a gazelle carcass, sending me flying into the mud.

            “PE-TEY!!” I yelled. “Get your striped behind over here!” Pete’s massive body appeared from the bushes. “Peter, what have I told you about cleaning up your food? Where does this go?” I said, pointing to the remains of the gazelle. Pete shot me a glowering look and picked it up in his jaws to dispose of out of my sight.

            “That’s better. Alright, today we set out on the most epic of Quests! We will brave all evil! We will conquer all adversaries! Hands in!”

Pete smacked his massive paw down on my outstretched hand.

“Now, let’s go decimate some fools.”

Pete and I traveled for many days. Through the burning heat of Jaylm Desert. Through the frozen land of Nador, we marched. None of the villages we came across had seen any sign of Teddy. So we burned them, just for fun. But over the weeks, a kind of coldness seeped into my bones. One that could not be dispelled by any blanket known to man. Soon even the pillaging and raping began to lose their appeal.  I knew that if I didn’t find Teddy soon, my spirit would wither away like so many leaves in the autumn wind.

            Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. Each day I desperately tried to hang on the last threads of hope that maybe the next day would bring my best friend back to me. In Montenegro my strength failed. I mean big time. I collapsed to the ground, face down in the grass. I struggled to sit up, but it was no use. I laid back and closed my eyes. After what seemed like an eternity I opened them. My eyes were dark and crusty. I struggled to my feet, took one step, and promptly plummeted into a sinkhole that opened up before me. I didn’t scream. There was no time, nor did I have the energy. I fell for what seemed like an eternity, until I hit what must have been a vast underground lake. My breath came in ragged gasps. I swam on blind faith, not knowing if I would every even reach a shore. Thankfully, it seemed luck was on my side this time and my feet soon hit the sandy lake floor. I stumbled up the bank and tried to take stock of my surroundings.

            The cavern was dark and spacious. Echoes bounced off the walls. I stood in deep sand, my eyes darting around the water, water that glistened from the snatches of sunlight overhead. To the right of me, huddled against thee far wall, were a group of people. They were dressed in white lab coats, muttering amongst themselves. Their eyes were fixed to the ground, focusing on some unknown thing. My heart raced as I walked over; step, crunch, step on the sand. Could this be it?  Could these people hold the key to my lost bear? I broke into a run. Suddenly, the sun became obscured by a passing cloud and the dim light faded to black. I stumbled forward; my weight shifted and I knocked into one of the white coats. The man tumbled to the ground, with me on top of him.

            “Ugghhh,” we both groaned simultaneously.

We both picked ourselves up and brushed the sand out of our hair. The other scientists simply gaped at me.

            “Um, hi,” I said. “I know this is probably the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to you guys, but in your line of work, who knows, right? Hehehe…” I was met with stoic gazes.

            “Alright here’s the deal. I reallllly didn’t mean to fall into your little cave here, but it just kinda happened. Sorry about that. But now that I’m here I was wondering if you could maybe help me out? You seem like kind and generous folk. I lost my teddy bear a ways back, so… have you seen him. He’s brown with two ears, a body, two eyes…”

The man I had bumped into turned to me and broke out into a wide smile.

            Sure, we’ve seen your teddy bear!” One of our whale trains dropped him off here few months ago. We thought we’d keep it safe, because everyone knows how attached kids are to their stuffed animals. Right this way, friend.” He led my to an unmarked door hewn into the cavern wall.

            “Just be warned, though. There are some weird things going on in this room. I don’t really know what the deal is, actually. Talk to Sherry, our resident sexologist if you want to know more. Gives me the heeby-jeebies, actually. Oh, I’m Frank, by the way.”

 I reached forward and grasped the handle. It was unlocked. I fell through the doorway into a hall of black marble, lined with golden railings. The railings were cold, so I kept my hands to myself. At the end of the hallway was another door. There was a sign above it that read, ‘Bible as Lit.’ I opened the door to examine this “bible sex class.” Inside, the walls were lined with light switches, and at each light switch there were a young boy and girl. I watched the couple closest to me. The girl was standing against the wall, right next to the light switch. The boy was flipping the switch on and off furiously, faster and faster, until the girl moaned and slid down the wall.

            “Okay that was the most disturbing thing ever,” I said to Frank. “I don’t think I’ll be seeing Sherry anytime soon.”

Frank opened another door. This one was made from solid steel. He led me down stairs hacked from the rock into a dimly lit chamber. All manner of medieval torture devices were lined up along the walls. I did glance at these for a moment, but my attention was quickly diverted to the center of the room, where my beloved Teddy was sitting comfortably in a chiffon chair. Somewhere above me, a choir of angels began singing. The heavens opened up, illuminating the room with a golden light. Overall, I can safely say that it was definitely one of the top three moments in my life; miles ahead of the time when I achieved a lifelong goal by consuming eighteen boxes of Trix cereal in one sitting. Amazing that anything could top that, I know, but this one took the cake. Clutching Teddy, with noble Pete by my side, I bid farewell to Frank et al. and made my way out of the cavern into the sun.

            So that’s it, basically. Pretty anti-climactic, I know, but sometimes that’s how these kind of stories end. We can’t all slay dragons and rescue damsels in distress and whatnot. Oh, well. I had fun telling it, that’s for damn sure.

Epilogue

- Pete eventually found his way back to his original captor, the mob boss of Cincinnati. He described it as a ‘scrumptious’ encounter.

- Andy and Teddy lived happily ever after. Obviously.