Of the Essence Time is a funny thing

Of the Essence

Time is a funny thing. One day you wish for it to go
faster, another day you wish for it to stand still.
Time is just an illusion that clouds our eyes from
seeing that we’re only ever living through one moment;
the time it always is: now. We live our whole lives
through a series of moments, but are expected to plan
for the future, or remember the past. What about now,
what about this moment we’re living in; what about
living every moment as if it were your last? Well,
there’s still time. It’s only 4:00, and I’m on my
way. Wait for me, babe, wait for me.
I’ve never driven down this highway before. It’s
long and straight. It’s the most boring freeway that
I’ve ever set my wheels upon. But I am on a crucial
road trip; the type that’ll change your life, and it
doesn’t matter how far, how lonely, or how long the
trip, as long as I make it on time.
It all started yesterday. I was playing video games
over at my boy Nick‘s house, “Madden” if you’re
curious. We were playing with a blissful ignorance of
what was to come, or I was at least.
“Are you sure you want to keep playing?” he asked in
a dickish tone.
“I’ll come back, just watch.”
“God, it’s like you don’t even know how bad you’re
getting killed.”
“Yeah I’m down a couple touchdowns, but it’s cool,
cuz I got the ball and you have no defense.”
“Wait, a couple? A couple means two; I’m ahead by a
couple more than a couple. And furthermore, I like
that little circle where your score is supposed to be,
it’s pretty.”
Playing was never about winning; it was always about
who could talk the most shit.
Nick had a slight advantage in that category, on
account of him being an asshole and everything, but I
could stand in the ring with him. We went back and
forth, never having any limits, morals, or womeny
“feelings” keeping us from a hilarious joke or two.
“When I win, I’m gonna do my victory dance all --”
Nick was interrupted by his cellphone.
“Uh, I gotta take this; start a new game or
something, I’ll be back in a couple minutes.”
All right, I see how it is, so now his girlfriend has
him locked down. I’m glad my girl isn’t calling me up
in the middle of an intense 28-0 game. Don’t get me
wrong, I love her, but there should be a separation
between friends and relationships. Speaking of which,
what’s up with Nick? How can he leave mid sentence?
Well, he’s only been gone a minute, but it could have
been an hour for what it has felt like. I’m going to
wait two minutes and then go see what he’s talking
about because, after all, what does a couple minutes
really mean?
I left the TV on in the living room. I wanted him to
continue to speak as candidly as possible. I finally
got within earshot, and crouched down so as not to be
seen.
“No, listen, it’s not that bad.”
His was the only voice I could hear.
“I heard, yeah, but you gotta trust me, it’s the
wrong decision . . . . I can’t speak for him, but I’m
sure he’s sorry . . . . Well, remorseful then, it’s
all the same, I mean, I might have done what the same,
it’s no reason to . . . . Your dad doesn’t own you,
does he?”
I slipped and bumped my head into the wall. I had
given up my presence; now I had to play it off.
“Knock knock, just coming in to get something to
drink.”
I think it worked.
“Yeah, I’ll talk to you later, remember what I said
though, and make the right decision. Bye.”
Nick ended his conversation and headed back toward
the living room.
Nick was good with words. He could change people’s
opinions on command if he had the desire to, as long
as they kept an open mind. His girlfriend, for
example, does not have an open mind. But that’s
probably why they go out. It’s good that he has
someone to match him mentally and physically. That’s
what I have too. A real, uncompromising, speaks her
mind kind of girl. My friends don’t like her that
much. Granted, she can be a bitch sometimes, but she
loves me, and I love her, so nothing else really
matters. Nick, on the other hand, is just getting
into it with his girl. Caroline and I have been going
out for over a year, Josephine and Nick have only been
dating for about three weeks.
“So, what was that about?” I asked as I walked in.
“Oh, nothing, just some . . . girl troubles. Hey,
how are you and Caroline doing?”
“Really well. Actually, recently it’s -- well --
last time I saw her it ended on a bad note. But
overall it’s been . . . really good.”
“So, new game then?” Nick said quickly, in an attempt
to change topics.
“In a second. Look, I know you never approved of
Caroline, but really, are you about to just switch the
subject every time I talk about her?”
“Hold up, first of all, I brought her name up in this
conversation. But also, I’ve always been okay with
her; I hope you know that.”
“Okay, okay. How’s Jo?”
“Never better, actually.”
Of course I didn’t believe him, but I wasn’t going to
call him out on it. We just went back to playing the
old reliable Madden, where all is controllable. The
only unknown aspect was time. We started playing at
four o’clock in the afternoon, and we stopped when we
fell asleep.
Everyone thinks they know what’s best for people.
They think that if they were in charge of your life
they would run it better, and wouldn’t make the same
stupid decisions and so on and so forth. But they
don’t know me like I do, they haven’t been through
what I’ve been through, and they definitely haven’t
lived my life. So who are they to say what I should
or shouldn’t do? How dare they?
Well, maybe I’ve just been given too much time to
vent. After all, I’ve been driving nonstop ever since
2:00. I saw a diner a while back, but there’s no time
to eat. No, I have to make it. I’m almost out of
this tunnel and then it’ll be a straight shot for 65
miles. Just don’t leave me yet; I’m on my way.
After a night of playing video games, I wondered what
had gone on in Nick’s phone conversation. So I woke
him up at the crack of 1:30, and asked him about it.
“So what’d you say to your girl last night?”
“What about, staying here? She knew.”
“Naw, you know what I’m talking about. I mean on the
phone.”
“Oh, that wasn’t my girlfriend.”
“What! Are you cheating on her already? Dude,
cheating is not cool.”
“You got that out of your system? Good, cuz I don’t
cheat. I was talking to Caroline.”
My girlfriend? But why, what did she call my best
friend for? Why didn’t she call me? Then what was
that conversation about? I had to know, but I
couldn’t look too eager.
“You were? That’s cool, I guess . . . . So, um, you
guys talk about me?” I said with a little smirk.
“Yeah, she, well I mean, I don’t think I should tell
you.”
“C’mon, why not? We’re friends.”
“She always does this to you. Look, you need to let
her have some time and some space to think about your
guys' relationship.”
“What, what are you talking about?” I asked, knowing
the answer before he said it.
“She’s giving you an ultimatum. She said her dad was
moving and she might move with him. But listen, it’s
the same as always; she’s just set up this situation
to try to control you. You know she’s done it
before.”
The truth is she had done it before, a couple times.
Once when we first started going out, she wanted me to
prove that I loved her. She said she would leave me
if I wouldn’t ditch Nick, on his birthday, and take
her out to dinner and a movie, and a romantic night
out. I guess it was to prove priorities more than
anything. I never told him why, I just said I had to
go, and he understood. He hasn’t liked her since
then.
“Well, she hasn’t even said anything to me. I think
she would have told me if she was giving me an
ultimatum, don’t you?”
“Under any other circumstance, yes. Look, don’t
believe me if you don’t want to, just know that I’m
looking out for your best interests.”
“Don’t act all high and mighty. You’re not
invaluable; you don’t know everything.
“The word your thinking of is infallible, and I know
I’m not. But --”
“Whatever. I’m leaving.” I stormed out and heard a
buzz at my waist. I looked down and saw I had
received a text from Caroline.
“im at my sumr home wit my dad. he askd me 2 go wit
him 2 liv in miami. if yur not here by 5, im gona go”
Shit. That’s a two hour drive with no traffic at
all, and there’s going to be traffic. Well it’s 2:00,
so I’ve got three hours to get there. I’ll make it on
time; I always do. Just wait for me, I’m coming.
It’s always good to know who your friends are. If
you trust someone, you take a risk. I always sort of
wondered about Nick. I never really knew if he could
be trusted. After all, he can change people’s minds
on command; so maybe he just tricked me into being
friends with him this whole time.
Nick knew Caroline before I did, because they went to
the same middle school, and they talked a lot. He
even introduced us. When she and I first started
going out, Nick told me she’d be good for a couple
weeks, and then I should let her go. But what we have
is better than that. It’s more special and more
fulfilling than a fling. Where else can I find a girl
so beautiful, so remarkable and so connected to me?
She’s one of a kind. She’s worth it.
“Hey, Nick, what do you want?” I asked as I opened up
my phone.
“I just wanted to let you know that whatever you do,
let it be your decision.”
“Everything I do is my decision, Nick.”
“Is going to meet her your decision?”
Beep. He’ll call back. But seriously, that’s not
cool. Yes it’s my decision. Of course it’s my
decision. Well . . . it’s our decision; mine and
Caroline’s. He should know I’m just letting her be a
part of my life, and I’m being less selfish because of
it. And, after all, he does have a girlfriend too.
Why hasn’t he called back yet? It’s already 2:30.
Damn it, Nick! I picked up my phone and hit the green
button twice.
“Hello?” he said in an irritated tone.
“Nick, look, I know you’re just doing what you think
is best, and that’s cool.”
“An apology would’ve been nice, but hey, whatever.
So I have a theory on love.”
“Yeah? Well go on.”
“This is how I see it: Love is just two people’s
shared codependency on one another.”
“Well, don’t you love Jo?”
“I’m not sure. She does seem dependent on me, but
I’m not really all that dependent on her.”
“Really though, you think that’s all there is to it?
I think it’s a little more complicated than that.”
“Yeah, it is, but I believe that dependency is the
bulk of it. But that’s not all. Also, that you can
fall ‘in love’ with anyone if you’re with them long
enough. You love your parents and your cousins. Why,
because they’re family, or because you can depend on
them? I mean it’s just an idea, one friend to
another.”
“Nick, I don’t need this right now. I’m coming up to
a tunnel, so I’m gona have to call you back.”
“Fine, bye.”
Tunnels are like the start of your life. When you
just start going through the tunnel, everything is
new, and you’re closed off from the world. Then, say
halfway through, you feel like you’ll be in that
tunnel forever. You start to notice the traffic. You
want more and more to get out of the tunnel, you might
even hold your breath for it. Then, finally, you see
a light at, well, the end of the tunnel. You might
speed up, you might have to slow down, but most people
just keep going, and keep a good distance from the
other cars. Mainly because no one wants to crash in a
tunnel; you at least want to get out into the real
world first. But still, getting too close to any car
is dangerous. Well, that’s what Nick would have me
believe.
Everyone thinks they know what’s best for people.
They think that if they were in charge of your life
they would run it better, and wouldn’t make the same
stupid decisions and so on and so forth. But they
don’t know me like I do, they haven’t been through
what I’ve been through, and they definitely haven’t
lived my life. So who are they to say what I should
or shouldn’t do? How dare they?
Well, maybe I’ve just been given too much time to
vent. After all, I’ve been driving nonstop ever since
2:00. I saw a diner a while back, but there’s no time
to eat. No, I have to make it. I’m almost out of
this tunnel and then it’ll be a straight shot for 65
miles. Just don’t leave me yet; I’m on my way.
I have about an hour left. It’s funny, that reminds
me of this movie I saw called Waking Life. It blew my
mind. The whole movie was a dream where the character
had a bunch of very intellectual conversations with
all of these brilliant people. Each person talked in
great detail about a different concept. The biggest
thing I got from that movie was a sense of time.
Time is a funny thing. One day you wish for it to go
faster, another day you wish for it to stand still.
Time is just an illusion that clouds our eyes from
seeing that we’re only ever living through one moment;
the time it always is: now. We live our whole lives
through a series of moments, but are expected to plan
for the future, or remember the past. What about now,
what about this moment we’re living in; what about
living every moment as if it were your last? Well,
there’s still time. It’s only 4:00, and I’m on my
way. Wait for me, babe, wait for me.
“What do you want now?”
I couldn’t believe Nick was still trying to get me to
stop.
“Do you want to know what she said to me?”
“What?”
“Do you want to know what Caroline told me on the
phone when we were at my house?”
“Sure,” I said in a partly sarcastic tone.
“All right. Well, she was mad at you for coming over
to my house instead of spending time with her, and she
decided she wanted to either end your relationship or
have you more to herself.”
“Yeah, I mean, I already gathered that.”
I was getting angry.
“She said she was going to break it off in a couple
weeks regardless because her dad is moving and she
wants to stay with him.”
“No. No. We talked about this, we -- she -- look,
you’re wrong.”
“I know it’s a lot to hear . . . .”
“She said that we would never be apart, she said that
-- but why?”
Nick could sense my sorrow.
“Honestly, I tried to help. I hope --”
“Shut up, just shut up for a couple seconds, all
right?” I wasn’t blind, was I? I know she loves me.
She wouldn’t betray me like that. But wait, what has
Nick been doing? This whole time he’s been trying to
break us up. Maybe he wants her for himself. So why
should I believe him now? No, my baby’s waiting for
me, and I’m coming for her.
“Are you still there?”
“Bye, Nick.”
No, Nick. This is where it ends. You always said I
was ditching you too much to meet her. Well, maybe
you wanted me to break up with her so I could see you.
I see your trickery; you’re transparent. I’m going
and you can’t stop me. My baby is waiting, and damn
it, I’m gona be there. I love her and she loves me.
I will be there.
I couldn’t help but glance at the clock. It’s game
time, if you were wondering. I have half an hour to
get there, half an hour to think, and half an hour to
reminisce.
I occasionally wonder why Caroline puts me through
these types of things every so often. I figure that
since I tell her I love her in person so seldom, she
wants me to prove it through my actions. I’m not
sure, but I do it anyway, because that’s what love is.
She needs me as much as I need her, and I won’t let
her dad come in between that.
I remember one time we were at a party, and I was
really drunk. She decided to go look for help, and
ran off. Soon after, Nick came by, and it’s a little
fuzzy, but I woke up on his couch with an “I’m never
drinking again” speech. The important thing is that I
know who it was that found him.
She had me in her spell ever since my birthday last
year. She bought me some socks or something, but what
really caught me was the card. I’ll spare you the
details, but mainly, she wrote me this emotional
letter that made me realize how much I mean to her.
And so, I know my baby would never deceive me.
I finally got to city streets. Where’d I put my
phone? It’s a red light so I can look. Nice, 3
missed calls and a text. I probably shouldn’t have
thrown the phone down after hanging up on Nick. So,
what did my girl say? Damn, it’s a green light, and I
don’t have time to stop. I’ll check it later. I’ll
see her in a little bit anyway. It’s 4:40, and I’m
about 10 minutes away. I knew I’d make it. Love
conquers all.
This is it; this is about to be the best moment of my
life. I wish time would just fast forward five
minutes, and she be in my arms. This is what I came
for. There’s no reward without tribulations, and the
greater the feat, the greater the reward. That’s why
I do it. I think she knows that; otherwise she
wouldn’t put me through it.
Two more blocks to go, but I can’t wait. My foot
steadily gets stronger as I feel a surge of energy run
through me. I should check my watch. The car’s clock
is 2 minutes slow, but I’m still early. I’ll park
across the street. I need to compose myself. With a
huge smile on my face, I look in the mirror. My heart
is racing, as time starts to get slower. I take a
deep breath and step out of the car.
As I get to her porch, I press the doorbell, but then
I see an envelope on the ground. Why didn’t she pick
this up? It’s addressed to me. All my attention
immediately swarms the letter. It’s from her. I
quickly tear it open. There’s shock all around me
which is coupled with a soft “I told you so” that I
can hear Nick saying two hours and fifty three minutes
away.
My mind is running all over the place, reading the
letter faster and faster, and I keep going back to her
first two words: I’m sorry. As I finally look away,
time stops. Hours are passing by in my mind, but it
is still this moment. There is no moving, no
thinking, and no life going on. Then, I drop the
letter, and see it float to the ground. In that
moment, a never ending sense of falling pulls me down.
As time crawls along, I get a grip on myself, and
turn around to walk back to my car. I lean on the
door and look at my phone. Time refuses to speed up
to normal. I’m sorry? That’s all I get after two
years; I’m sorry? She really doesn’t love me. Nick,
you don’t know how right you are.
I look down at the 3 missed calls. They’re all my
mom. With a deep, hopeful breath, I look at the text.
It’s from Nick.
It says, “frenz n women 4 ever, hos n bitches 4
never.”
A smile finds its way to my face as I look up at the
sky. I walk over to my car, and suddenly, time
resumes. Thanks Nick. Thanks.