What I Get Paid For
by Jing Yen
Dreads
I work at a women’s clothing store and greeting customers is very crucial. A plump, grayish haired woman with a serious face stormed in the store. I kept my toothy smile on.
“I’m vooking fu a dreads.”
“For what?” I managed to look confused and friendly at the same time.
“A dreads. Vu know?” She spread out her arms like Rose in Titanic except that she was many years older and weighed many pounds more. I was once again perplexed.
“Sorry…we don’t sell those here.”
“Vu know vear vay sell vem?”
“Telegraph?”
A lady that was trying on an extremely tight (physically) black dress came up and asked us how the dress looked on her. I gave her a thumb up.
“Vu do sell dreads! Vat is she vearing?” She stomped off to the back and grabbed a bunch of dresses to try on. I could hear anger, the blaring scratching of various hangers in the dressing room. Then I heard a thud.
“Are you alright?” I approached her dressing room.
“Ves. Vum… do vu do uperations fu free?”
“Huh?”
“Vu know? Fu the dreads?” She made a peace sign with her fingers to show me what she meant. I kept my bright smile on, waiting for her to explain.
“Are vu stuvid? Vis dreads is vu long, vu long!” She threw her hands in the air and yelled in my left ear (my bad ear), as if it were not already having problems. She then pulled the old puke-green curtains in my face. The dust from the curtains flew into my eyes but I couldn’t complain. I’d be blamed for not cleaning them in the first place.
Cookies
Our boss provides Mother’s top quality circus animal cookies, the ones with the pink and white frosting and sprinkles on top for our customers, that way they will shop longer. And it works. One time, we had to inform a lady that was hugging the bag of cookies that we were closing. She replied, “Please, just one more.”
Kids are more willing to stay in the store because of the cookies. A lady wanted to try on a bunch of clothes so she asked me to watch her two year old boy. He first started playing with the ducky umbrellas and after I repeatedly told him no, he tried to eat the furry socks. So I offered him cookies.
His eyes glowed like glitter glue when he saw the pretty colors. The mom heard the word “cookies” and so she said, “Just give him one of each.” But she was only thinking about the colors. The boy was smart.
“Can I have an elephant?” “Can I have a camel?” “A lion?” I handed him one after the other while his mom was taking her time trying clothes on. I didn’t know how the kid identified the cookies, but they certainly did not look like animals at all.
Magic Blouses
Definition: one size shirts that look like they fit 3 year-olds but stretch according to your body type. They are 100% silk, $12 dollars and very very popular. Also known as: life’s little luxuries.
We can categorize the customers into
1) Customers that are seriously in love with magic blouses:
“Oh these shirts are so amazing. I just love them. OHHHHH…They are perfect. OHHHHHH…”
Sometimes customers scare me.
2) Customers that are in doubt with the one size fit:
“Are you sure they fit everyone?” The qualified plus sized woman stretched the shirt with all her force.
“Are you sure?” She expanded it even more. I think I was pretty sure up to that point. My eyebrows were pushed together, my lips were semi puckered and my eyes became even more squinty and filled with concern.
I couldn’t respond.
Disney
We workers get sick of the same old music that we listen to every week. I know all the words to “Stop in the Name of Love” and “Do Wah Diddy Diddy.” So it was thoughtful of my co-worker when she brought in Disney songs. I always enjoyed watching Disney movies.
When I heard the tune to “Under the Sea,” I couldn’t help but shake my booty and sing along.
“Sing it girl!” said a customer. My cheeks became red and I contained myself. I crossed my arms, trying to start an intellectual discussion.
“So what’s your favorite Disney movie?”
“Pinocchio,” said my co-worker, Martha.
“But that’s so old,” I said.
“You gotta remember the age difference.”
“You’re only 3 years older,” I defended. A customer all of a sudden joined in.
“Oh that was a good movie. I always thought Jimmy was black.”
“But he’s a cricket,” I replied.
“He sounded black. Have you ever heard once you wish upon a star?”
French
I enjoy doing my Spanish homework at work to save time and speaking Spanish with my co-worker, Martha who speaks Spanish fluently. She’s basically a walking talking English/Spanish/English and slang dictionary. I mean, our conversations are pretty exciting and intellectual, so customers love listening in. That day, we talked about the legend I had to make up for my Spanish class. I was going to write about why koalas like to hug each other and eat eucalyptus leaves. The concept behind that is that koalas used to be really depressed since they were excluded from the bears group because they’re not real bears. One day, a monkey offered the koala one eucalyptus leaf and he accepted it. The koala felt a sensational feeling after consuming the leaf (like the same happy feeling when humans smoke weed.) Then the koala decided to jump on the tree and it lived happily ever after. I struggled a bit trying to say all that in Spanish but since they are lots of cognates and I’m a pretty lucky gal, I was pretty safe with some of my made up Spanish words. So as I was telling Martha my well thought out legend, a customer asked me,
“Hablas español?”
“Si,” I said with doubt.
“Hablas frances?”
“Um…” Quick, think of something clever! You know French!
“Bon Appetit?”
Music
We get to choose what kind of music we want to hear while working. I burned about 143.7493(some songs were not successfully burned)CDS, including The Holly Jolly Christmas Album, Now That’s What I Fucking Feel Like and even Old People’s Party Music. I have learned from experience that certain music should not be played.
A customer’s face changed from relaxed and content to uncomfortable and nervous due to my playing of Snoop Dog’s Drop It like It’s Hot. Since the customers are mostly women over the age of 40, it’s hard for them to appreciate Snoop Dog’s creativity and talent. A woman asked me if
However, when we play oldies music, couples about the age of 60 come inside hand in hand, rocking side by side and giggling. I know it’s cute but that’s only when they don’t sing and dance. It’s OK when they say, “honey, do you remember this? We were so young.” But I’ve seen an old man spin her gal in the store and the two did the twist after. I felt embarrassed to say, “That’s great but can you do this outside?” So I just watched.
Racks
Besides smiling a lot at our store, we offer great customer service (I’m wondering when I’m going to get my raise). “Excuse me, would you like me to take that rack and start a dressing room for you?”
“Sure, thank you.”
“Mommy, what’s a rack?” The little boy was about four.
I gulped. A rack is a thing for holding objects. I wasn’t perverted or anything but another definition popped up. I mean they use it in movies all the time. The mom looked pretty serious.
“It’s a country dear.”
A Note to Readers, WARNING! DO NOT READ IF YOU GET DEPRESSED EASILY: A customer told me that Mothers are no longer making those frosted circus animal cookies because the company got bought out. I thought about saving the last bag to sell on ebay later when Mothers addicts no longer can get their hands on them. I think the bag would probably be worth about a grilled cheese sandwich resembling Virgin Mary.