May the Best Woman Win

            by Kiara Vaughn

 

            “Attention everyone,” the casting director yelled. “The casting list is posted on the wall in the hallway. I would like to thank everyone for coming to audition, but we couldn’t choose everyone. If you didn’t make the cut, it doesn’t mean that you weren’t good, it just means that you weren’t good enough for us.”

            I power walked to the hallway, not wanting to run and seem too anxious like I couldn’t get another acting gig, but walking fast enough to beat most of the crowd. The good news was I made the cut. The bad news was, I didn’t get the star role, that bitch Jessica Norwood got it. I’m a much better actor than her, but she has big breasts and all I have are big dreams. If I had a chance to do the star role, I would stand out and hopefully get discovered so I could finally move out of my mom’s house. I was tired of being a loser. I wanted to be the center of attention, other than when I’m being laughed at, for once. I had to get that part.

            That night I sat in my room practicing my lines…and Jessica’s. I just knew that when it was show time, I would be in the spotlight where I belonged and she would be back at Hooters where she belonged. She fits right in there with her bleached blond hair and two flotation devices she calls breast (compliments of her plastic surgeon). I didn’t know how just yet, but I was going to be a star.

            It was a week later and time for our first rehearsal. I thought I should make a good impression by showing up early and who’s already there when I arrive, none other than little Miss Double D’s.

            “Hey Jessica. Love the hair,” I said with my most believable smile.

            “Oh hey Crystal, and thanks,” she replied.

            Yeah right. That hair was hideous. She needs to go get her money back from her hairdresser.

            Soon after that, the other cast members started showing up so we began rehearsal. Jessica messed up her lines about five times in a row in just one scene and I only messed up once the whole day. And yet the director still seemed to worship the ground she walked on. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he added in a love scene and chose himself to star in it with her just so he could be near her.

I thought that if I flirted with him like Jessica did and gave him a little eye candy, he might give me better part. So that night I went home and searched for a razor. I hadn’t had a reason to shave my legs since my sexy mechanic Enrique had to come over and take a look at my engine. I was hoping that my car wouldn’t be the only thing he gave a tune up. Then I went to my closet and pulled out the shortest mini skirt I could find. I found one that looked like the perfect length, but I still wasn’t sure, so I did the pencil test. I dropped a pencil on the floor then bent over in front of the mirror to pick it up and if I couldn’t see my underwear then it was too long. Well, it passed the test so all I had to do was find a shirt and shoes to match. I picked out some red peep toe pumps and a low cut red halter-top. I tried it on and everything looked good except for one thing… my nipples were pointing south, which meant it was time to pull out the wonder bra. After I took care of that, I was set.

The next day when I came to rehearsal, all eyes were on me. Nothing says “sexy” like a lady in red. I walked straight over to Mr. Goldstein.

“Good morning Mr. Goldstein,” I said in a soft sultry tone.

“Oh…Good morning Crystal,” he said dryly.

“I was wondering if I could talk to you about the play,” I said while moving in a little closer so he could catch a whiff of my perfume.

“Go ahead.”

“ Well, I don’ t think that my role fully displays my acting abilities. Jessica is not fit for the lead role. That part calls for someone with real talent…someone like me.”

“Well I’m sorry but I feel that Jessica is the best person for that role.”

My plan wasn’t working, so it was time to go to Plan B, the pencil drop.

“Oops,” I said while bending over to pick up my pencil directly in front of Mr. Goldstein. Now that had to have caught his attention because this time I wasn’t wearing any underwear.

“Ms. Johnston! Please, cover yourself up. Ugh”

I can’t believe that didn’t work. Obviously classy ladies aren’t his type. I see he prefers the bottled blond bimbos.

 So for the next few weeks I just went through the rehearsals as he wanted and got prepared for the show. When the big night finally got there I was ready to make a memorable performance. I had brought my spare costume with me for when I stole the show. I wanted to get rid of her as easily as possible, so I thought I should go with the subtle approach. I knew that she was allergic to nuts and if she ate them she would break out in hives, so being the generous person that I am, I brought her a little snack.

“Knock knock,” I said once I reached her dressing room.  

“Oh hello Crystal. Come in.”

“I know how hard you’ve been working on this role and I know you’re going to do great. You’ve been so kind to me, so I just wanted to bring you something. Here, it’s some cake from the bakery around the corner. I hope you like cinnamon.”

“Oh thank you, and yes I do like cinnamon.”

“You’re welcome,” I said as cheerfully as possible. “Break a leg.”

Or an arm, or your neck, anything. Now in about ten minutes I should be able to officially claim my part when she is rushed to the hospital.

Thirty minutes had gone by and I hadn’t heard anything. I thought maybe she hadn’t eaten the cake yet, so I went by her room to check.

“Hey, did you like the cake I bought you?”

“Oh yeah it was good, but it had nuts in it and I’m terribly allergic to them. It’s a good thing I always carry my Epinephrine injection with me otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to perform.”

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”

“That’s alright, I’m fine now.”

Damn it, now I have to go to plan B. I didn’t want to do it, but I’m left with no choice. My future is on the line here.

“Jessica would you mind helping me? The stage crew is running late and Mr. Goldstein asked me just to check and make sure that all the props were working properly. It would go a lot faster with two people.”

“Sure, why not”

“OK, come on,” I said while making my way to the stage. “Now I’m going to pull some of these ropes to make sure that everything’s hooked up.”

“OK”

The one on the left was labeled moon, so when I pulled it, that big heavy moon we had was supposed to crashing down on her. I pulled the rope and someone must have gotten the labels mixed up because this big heavy sun came crashing down on me.

“Oh my gosh, Crystal are you alright?”

“No, I think I sprang my ankle.”

Then Mr. Goldstein came running in after hearing that loud noise.

“What was that?’

“The sun fell down on top of Crystal. She thinks she might have sprang her ankle.”

“Well we better get you to the hospital right away,” said Mr. Goldstein.

“No, I’m fine. I have to do the show.”

“Oh no you’re not, there are no cripples in my play. I’ll just have to find someone to replace you. That’s going to be a very difficult task at such short notice though.”

“Well Mr. Goldstein, I could play her part too. I’m sure I could learn her lines quickly, she doesn’t have that many.”

“Oh wonderful. Jessica you’re a lifesaver.”

I was so pissed, after all that she ended up with my part and hers.