The Day I Met My 'Bro'

            by Ruby Shapiro

 

            “Now sweetie, you need to make sure that you turn on the Whirlpool whenever you leave the room.  I love you and will call you once we get home.”

Freedom was finally here.  I was ready for a new place, to start over and NOT be the boy who couldn’t leave the house or run in the grass.  I was going to sit in the grass everyday, and then go in my dust mite free room.  I took the elevator up to the third floor where my mom, my dad, and I had set up my first dorm room the day before.  It was one of the best days my mom has ever had.  She got to clean every surface and put every medication in “the perfect spot” as she called it.  I hopped in the elevator and went shooting up.  I walked out of the dirty elevator, climbed through the sea of baggage from all of the other student’s stuff in the hallway, and ended up in my room, 329.  The door was already open; I pushed it forward and finally saw my roommate. 

“B-r-o-o-o-o-o,” he said in the most lackadaisical voice.  He was sitting in the middle of my clean carpet, sipping some liquid, and listening to some weird music.  I was not quite sure if his eyes were even open when he turned towards me.  I couldn’t see them because his long blond hair was all over his face.

“Sup B-r-o-han?”

“Hello, my name is Daniel Peterman.  I see that we are roommates.  What is your name?”

“Bro,    my name,    my name is Chadwick,     but you can call me Chad,   or bro   or chill,   or bro Chad.” 

“What is this music you are playing?”

“Oh dude, this is some Jack Johnson.  Bro, it’s chill.”

As I gazed downward and I read “Natural Ice” on the beer can that Chadwick drank from, I realized I didn’t want to escape my clean world, and shouldn’t have lied on that housing form.  All I wanted to do was meet a real person, who could walk outside in the fresh air and breathe in all the beautiful yellow pollen.  This so called “Bro” was not what I was looking for.

“Hey, Bro,” he interrupted my look of disgust. “You wanna play some Cube?”

I did not respond.  What in the world is cube?   “I do not know what ‘Cube’ is.”  Then I turned around to sit on my neatly made bed, but I saw hats all over it.  They looked like the ones you get at Chevy’s.  What are all these hats doing on my bed?  And why does this bro think he can put them on my clean bed?  I can’t touch them.  Now how will I ever make my bed clean  again?  I bet the hat flakes are under all of my sheets.  I started to breath heavily, and reached for my inhaler.  The ‘bro’ began to speak.

“Bro, is that your inhaler?”

After counting to ten, I replied, “Yes.”  Of course it is! What else would it be?

“Bro, would it be chill if I hit that?”

“No, absolutely not! I can’t even believe you would ask!”

“Sorry Bro. Oh well, you can have some of my Natty if you want.”  He handed me the can. I quickly pushed away his hand and the can spilled all over the carpet.

“Wow Bro, just chill.”  You think I can ‘chill’ right now?  Or would you say ‘chillax.’ I need to get out of this place!  I took two more puffs from my inhaler and closed my eyes to calm down.

  “Bro, I guess we could go outside and play some Frisbee.”

  “No thank you.  My name is not “Bro,” it’s Daniel, and no, I don’t want to play that Game Cube or Frisbee.  You see Chadwick, I guess you could call me vulnerable.  I am allergic to many things.  I have actually made you a list of all of them if you would like to see it.”  I handed him the packet and went on. “The main ones you most definitely should know about are, wheat, dairy, dust, mold, dust mites, pollen, and grass.  You see that machine over there?” 

“Ya Bro, it’s kinda huge.”

“Yes, it is quite large, but I need it, and you will soon learn to love it.  It takes water out of the air, therefore dust mites cannot live in our room, our sheets, our mattress, or our clothing.  You see, I am not only helping my own health, but yours as well.”

“Whatever Bro.  Can I at least store my natty next to it?”

“No.  What I would really like is for you to read the entire packet about my health.  I am going to make a phone call and will be back quite soon.”  I walked out of what used to be a clean room, back through the disgusting hall, and into the bathroom.  I sat down in the corner and called my mom.

“Daniel?”

“Hey mom, I was just calling to tell you I met my roommate and he’s a very nice fellow.  He likes the Whirlpool and so far we have gotten along very nicely.”

“Great honey, that makes me so happy.”

“Well, I gotta go.  Love you.”

            “Love you too, Dan.”

            I closed my phone.  I couldn’t tell my mom.  She would probably make me come home.  And then she would find out that I lied.  The next phone call I made was to my best friend, Julia.

            “Dan! Hey there what’s going on?”

            “Julia! I have to tell you about my roommate!”

            “Okay ya, I wanna hear all about him!”

            “Well.  His name is Chadwick, and he is a very ‘Chill Bro’ as he would say.”

            “A bro?”

            “Or I guess a Brohan as well.”

            “Okay? Anything else?”

            “Yes.  He is dirty and drinks yeast infested beer.  He doesn’t wear shoes, and he is going to keep his beer right next to my air purifier!  He is wearing a striped polo shirt and shorts that you swim in!  It is freezing outside and he is dressed for the beach!”

            “Doesn’t sound so good Dan.  Do you like him? I bet he has a great personality??”

            “No, but I have to go, so I’ll talk to you later.”  Just talking about him got me riled up.  I walked back to my room, and discovered we were having a huge ‘bro’ party.  I stepped into my used to be perfectly clean room and saw four of Chadwick’s friends.  However they could have all been mistaken for twins wearing the same polo shirts with different colored stripes and board shorts Chadwick had taught me the name of his swim trunks.

            “Chadwick, who are all these people?”  And why are you all wearing the same stupid shirt?  And is that somebody in my bed??

            “Bro, it’s chill.  We’re just fraying some hats.  And ya know, playing the cube.” There were pieces of straw strewn all over the floor. 

            “Sup Bro,” the one in MY bed said to me. “Can I use your computer?”  What did you just say to me?  You want to touch my computer with your hands? Your dirty, crusty, unsanitary hands? “Bro, I wanna AIM some other Bros.”

            “No.  Chadwick, have you read the packet yet?”

            “Bro, it’s been like ten minutes. Its chill, I still got it, it’s over there.”  He pointed to my packet that was now covered with beer.  “We used it to clean up the natty spill.” What ‘the natty spill’ you spilled that drink in our room.  I need to leave; I need to get out of this un purified air.  “But bro, I read that first couple lines.” He paused for a very long time. “You’re allergic to the sun?           But then,     Bro, how do you play Frisbee?”

            “And loud noises, so I would really appreciate it if you would turn down that ‘cube’.”

            “Bro loud noises, that’s chill.  I have a low voice.  We can just chill.”

 My legs quickly took me out of room 329 and into the Dean of Housing’s Office.  When I pushed the door open, I was very happy to see a man just like myself.  He wore a black suit jacket, a white shirt, and a blue tie.  His hair was jelled to one side, and he sat up very straight and proper. 

            “Sir, I need to talk to you right now!  I am going to have another asthma attack. My roommate is ruining my health!  I need to talk to you!”

            “Whoa, Whoa, Whoa!  I need you to chill out before we start anything.”

Chill out? I can’t chill out.  “Bro, it’s cool, I bet everything is fine.  Take your time bro, and just chill.”  Chill?  Stop telling me to chill.  Why do you people say this! I am going to go crazy in this room!  “So bro what’s your problem?  You know what I think will help.  You wanna play some Frisbee outside?”  He stood up and I saw those crazy swim shorts again, and they were even blue to match his tie.  What was he wearing!  I thought he would be a professional.  And this would be my escape from Chadwick.

            “No. I can’t play Frisbee; I can’t go outside for longer then ten minutes.”  What is wrong with you?  Why do you want to play Frisbee with me?  Be an adult!  I need to get out of this room away from these ‘chill’  people! 

            When I walked back into my room I only saw Chadwick.  I felt a little relieved, but when I saw my air purifier, I panicked.

            “Bro, you’re back.”

            “Don’t call me bro.  My name is Daniel.  What did you do to my air purifier?”  Why is it on its side?  I doesn’t work when it is not in its upright position!  How am I going to breath in this room with it on its side!

            “Bro, it’s chill.  This other bro figured that we can use it as a cooler for the natty.”

            “A cooler?”

            “Bro, all you gotta do is put some ice in that drawer of water and it’s chillen.”

            “A cooler? A cooler? Then why is it on its side?”

            “Oh bro, this is the best part.  It’s also a bench.  You sit on that side.”

            “No.”  This can not be happening. My one item of cleanliness is ruined.  This bro ruined it, he ruined my comfort, my air.  I need to go to the doctor, I have to leave now.  “I have to leave.” 

            “No bro, you can’t leave.”

            “What? Why not?”

            “Bro, I got you this really chill present.”  Chadwick opened our closet door, and an enormous hairy thing flew out.  “Bro, it’s a dog.  I named it Dan after you.”