Why Me?

            by Adnan Shah

 

            At age seven the weirdest things would happen to me. If someone was to get hit with a ball, guess what: that someone would be me. I felt as if I was cursed. I started to believe if I wore black, whatever spell that was over me would go away. As I was running after a bird, I tripped and fell. I ran home at the speed of light with bloody knees and hands, “Mommy I need a bandage.”

“Again? You get hurt every day. What is wrong with you? Are you legs functioning right?”

The answer would be yes. “I am perfectly fine. There is nothing wrong with me.”

 My mom would tell my friends to watch out for me. She thought that if I got too  hurt, I wouldn’t be able to make it home. People would say “what a thoughtful mom!” She made me sound like a little wimp. I can take care of myself! Well guess what? When I would get in a fight I would end up going home crying. My mom would be waiting for me to come to her and tell her what happened. Instead of telling my cousin to go and kick those fools’ asses, my mom would tell my sister. Hell yeah that’s how it went down. If you messed with me you messed with my sister. Sometimes I would take my older cousins. I would walk in front of them acting tuff, but all of my cousins knew I was a wimp.

 

I would spot the guy who had made me his victim earlier and it was on. My cousin versus that lonely poor guy. My cousin would tell me to watch and learn. Blood flying every where like it was WWF, but this was the real shit. In WWF, monstrous looking guys would trip each other and entertain people with fake hits. This wasn’t any of that fake fighting. This was like the Trojan War except with no swords. There were no fake hits; each hit would be targeted toward his enemy to do as much damage as possible with each hit. My cousin delivered a punch to the eye and then an upper cut. With those punches to the eye and upper cut combination the fool was knocked to the ground. The fight wasn’t over until I yell out “you smell what the Shah family is cooking”. This is what the Rock would say when he knocked his opponent to the ground. The huge crowd would start betting with my cousin and I would be walking around collecting the money. It was kind of an income for my cousins. It was settled there and of course my cousin would always come out victorious. The guy that just got beat up told me “hey you asshole you are still not that tuff. Don’t let me catch you without your cousins”. To tell you the truth I kind of got scared.

           

            Girls

 

            Ever since I was little I’ve wanted to get with as many girls as I could. As a boy I would dream of being with five girls at a time. I would keep myself clean everyday just in case God sent a girl down to earth to spend a day with me; but of course that didn’t happen. Until the day I was invited by this girl to her house because I was leaving for the U.S.

“Hey Adnan do you want to come to my house before you leave for the U.S.”

“Are you, are you talking to me?”

“Who else is around here? Yes you dummy.”

“Oh yes. I’ll definitely come to your house before I leave for the U.S.”

 “so what do you want to do?” I asked her.

“Hmm lets start out with cleaning.”

Oh sure I will help her with anything but little did I know she was going to kick me out right after I was done.

“What are you doing I just helped you clean. I thought we were going to hang around and have good time.”

“My boyfriend will be here in ten minutes and you can hang around with him if you want.”

“ I hope you die and burn in hell for this.”

Her response was “have a great time in America.”

Going shopping

           

            There were times when my mom would give me money to buy groceries. Some times I used half of the money on myself or sometime I would buy the wrong thing. Some days I felt like I should be nice to my mom so I wasn’t going to use her money that day. I had a better solution a five finger discount. Basically I would steal whatever amused me that day. It could be from a candy to a toothbrush. Once, I accidentally stole a condom. Okay, not accidentally, but I didn’t know what it was. I was just an innocent little boy playing with a condom. I filled it up with air. I was playing with it while I was walking home. My friends asked me where I got it from and pretty soon there were ten kids playing with air filled condoms. I saw condoms having two purposes; entertaining little boys and the other purpose, you can find out from teenagers and adults. Not only was that embarrassing but I got caught by my dad. I was told to never play with that kind of balloon ever again.  No, I was not stupid. I was just too young to go shopping and watch out for what I steal.

 

 

At school

           

            If you wanted to go to the bathroom, you would get up and ask the teacher. I don’t know whatever it was, but every time I would go up to my teacher’s desk and ask for permission to go to the bathroom, she wouldn’t look up to see who it was. She was lazy or I sounded different each time I asked her. “Ms. Khan I’m ‘bout to go to the bathroom.” She would respond “whatever”. Off I go. I took advantage of my careless teacher’s action during the day; I would go to the bathroom twelve times. I wouldn’t go because I had to use the restroom, I would go to refresh myself. I would wash my face and go back to class.  One day I was as usual going to the restroom, but I got caught not by my teacher but by another teacher.

            “Hey mister where do you think you are going?”

            “To the restroom.” I responded.

            “You have to go to the restroom every ten minutes.”

            Oh shit this is bad she caught me. But suddenly I came up with an excuse. “I have diarrhea.” Rubbing my hand on my stomach. To prove to her I farted. It took a whole lot of energy to produce that fart. That would get her off my case I thought to myself.

            “Son you are not that slick. I have been paying attention to kids walking in the hallways and I see you every ten minutes.”

            Here goes Adnan getting in trouble again.  Next, the principal made a call home. “Ms. Shah your son has been ditching class everyday and he just farted to the teacher.” I could sense my mom speed walking to the school. She said nothing to the principal, but grabbed me by the ear and stretched it ten inches. She did that all the way home. That day I truly knew how elephants felt. 

 

 

Meeting Rocco

            I met Rocco the bartender while I was waiting for my dad at his job.

            “Are you Rehman’s son?”

            “Yes.” I responded.

            “Nice to meet you. I’m Rocco. Your dad is a great man I have worked with him for a very long time.”

             “I am Adnan. Nice to meet you too.”

            There are three girls sitting at the bar. A minute later I turn my head and see Rocco licking a girl’s hand. This forty some odd years old man with reddish beard is a pimp I say to myself. You damn Irish stop messing around with her. She is your daughter’s age.  “Rocco you are a dirty man.” The girl said. Rocco just kept on going. Rocco stops and takes a deep breath. Rocco comes over and ask if I want a drink. “No thanks I’m fine.”

             “I should be getting back to what I was doing.”

            Once again I turn my head and Rocco was doing his thing. I say to myself these old people should stop messing around with such young girls. That’s where guys my age comes in. Leave the girls alone you old farts.