OMGWTFBBQ

by Avi Samelson

 

A newbie (written in 1337 as: n00b) is a newcomer to a particular field, the term being commonly used on the Internet, where it might refer to new, inexperienced, or ignorant users of a game, a newsgroup, an operating system or the Internet itself. The term is generally regarded as an insult, although in many cases more experienced/knowledgeable people use it in purposes of negative reinforcement, urging “newbies” to learn more about the field or area in question.  Variant spellings, such as newb, noob, nub and, in Leetspeak, n00b are numerous and common in Internet use.

Leet (or 1337) is a linguistic phenomenon associated with the underground culture centered around the Internet. Leet is characterized by the corruption or modification of written text. For example, the term "leet" itself is often written "l33t", "1337" or less commonly, ieet. Such corruptions are frequently referred to as "Leetspeak". In addition to corruption of standard language, new colloquialisms have been added to the parlance. The name Leet itself is derived from the word elite (also 31337). Elite has been used in the past to designate a group of users as belonging to a higher social echelon than other users. Originally, "elite" had been reduced to one syllable, "'leet".

The slang term pwn (past tense pwned, pwnd or pwnt, various pronunciations) as used by the Internet gaming culture, means to dominate an opponent. In this context, to be pwned can be defined as “to be defeated,” with the strong connotation of also having been “made a fool of.” It is generally used for “friendly taunting” of a player’s in-game enemies, and gently “rubbing in” any victories, no matter how fleeting. While the term probably originated as a typographical error of the word own ^[1], it is now used intentionally by many members of the culture. The term has become so ubiquitous in Internet circles that it is often used outside of gaming contexts. For example "We Pwned them hardcore in that basketball game"

-From WikiPedia

 

 

 

 

 

Author’s Intro: 

In the definition for “pwn” it states that: “The term has become so ubiquitous in Internet circles that it is often used outside of gaming contexts.”  This is completely untrue.  The only people who you will hear so pwned, or owned, are people from Albany, or probably Palo Alto. 

This story is meant to take you into a completely different world, one that many of us inhabit, but fail to realize, or fail to acknowledge.  This world is inhabited by anyone who plays videogames with other people. 

*          *          *

He sat alone.  He was at his desk.  It was cluttered.  There were pens littering the surface of it, with stacks of books on either end of the desk.  Under the desk was gum and on the floor under the desk was a trashcan.  The desk was a light mahogany, not really fitting with the neon green of his room.  Between the stacks of books there lay a monitor (21” LCD, he would tell you). 

            “PWNED n00bz0rz!” he yelled, as he killed another player.

He swiftly moved the mouse around on the pullout keyboard tray.  He laughed with glee as he, cloaked, snuck up behind a different player and splattered his head against the monitor with a rocket launcher.

            “n00b motherfucker!” he yelled, celebrating he newest kill.

Luckily for him, there was no one home that night.  His family was out, and only his cat remained in the house.

            Unbeknownst to Timmy, the cat was downstairs, on a cat-nip high, playing with a bouncy ball.  The cat would hit the bouncy ball, then chase after it, sometimes sliding into walls, or smashing into the refrigerator.  On rare occasions, Timmy’s cat’s ball would get lost under the rug, and the cat would run in circles, on the rug, looking for it, then take her paw and reach under the rug and grab the ball.

           Timmy’s cat started meowing, she wanted to go out.  Luckily for the cat, the round was over and tommy ran downstairs to open the door for his cat.  The cat strolled outside and into the corner of the garden where the cat-nip was.  Timmy mumbled: “you drugee”, and then ran back upstairs before the next round started. 

               Upstairs, he plopped his skinny frame into his seat and wiped the sweat from his brow.  The next round was starting.  It was his 6th round, each lasting about one hour.  He played CTF (capture the flag) deathmatch mode.  He would play either to 5 flag steals, or 25 deaths, on one team.  The match started.  Timmy knew this map, he had played it hundreds of times, he had pwnt hard on this terrain.  The match started off as usual, four or five easy kills, picking off the n00bs on this server. 

               His cat got up on the barbeque outside the first floor window and started meowing like crazy.  Timmy, frustrated, stuck to his computer, but the cat was messing with his audio.  Timmy used audio to figure out when people were sneaking up on him.  He sprinted downstairs and let his cat into the house.  His cat was mesmerized by the pretty wall she was about to bump into while chasing her bouncy ball.  When timmy got back upstairs, he was still in the same place that he was.  Then he heard the faint sound of footsteps.  He kept walking, then randomly turned around and threw two grenades.  “Don’t ever try to sneak up on me again BITCH N00B”.  The sound of a dying body rang through headset.  All 1337[1] gamers like Timmy (or Bringer0f1)34tl-l, as his screen name said) always had the volume turned up all the way, and always wore their headsets, even when they went afk[2].  Timmy ran downstairs again to let his cat out, hearing machine gun blasts and grenade pins being pulled, until, out of breath he ran up to his computer to find himself barely alive.  “SORRY GUYS I WAS AFK” he yelled into his headset.  On the screen came a message: “ROFL[3] PH4T n00B, get a life”.  Wow, how dumb thought Timmy.  He played on.  Suddenly, he was ambushed by three other players, and despite Timmy’s 1337-skills, was killed.  “MOTHERFUCKER.  GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!! SHIT!”  he yelled, and threw his wireless mouse across the room.  He picked up his keyboard, and smashed it on the floor.  Then he got on top of it and started jumping on it.  “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!” he raged.  He stood there, sweaty, his face red, his toes hurting a little bit.  Tears rolled down his face.  He went into his closet and got out another wireless mouse/keyboard set and put it onto his computer tray.  “damn n00bs.”  His grandmother[4] had sent him $200 for his birthday that year and he was able to afford 4 sets of keyboards.  He did not die often.

               After this outburst of raw emotion that only videogames can create in the male mind[5][6] Timmy continued to play.  Only this time he was more focused.  He was intent on beating his record of 99 kills in a CTF[7] game.  His cat was eating more catnip outside.  For some reason, his internet connection was dead.  He decided to restart his computer and play with the cat for a little.

               He grabbed his laser pointer off his desk and went down into his backyard where his cat was playing “run around like a crazy person”.  The cat was scampering this way and that, and Timmy started laughing.  He took the laser pointer and pointed the beam right in front of the cat, and then moved around randomly.  The cat ran after it, always trying to kill the little red dot on the ground, but never actually able to grasp it.  Timmy tortured the cat in this manner for about five minutes, as it was very entertaining.  

               If one has not seen a cat running after something that is totally unachievable, perhaps I can give you an example.  Imagine a coked[8] out ten year old.  Ok, now, imagine the same ten year old, remember, they are a really cute[9] ten year old, imagine him running after a bus, trying to catch it.  Actually, a ten year old is not a good example[10], a more fitting one would be a cracked out midget[11] running after a bus[12].

               Timmy thought that his computer would have restarted by now and went to open the back door. Only, it was locked.  He sprinted to the other side of the house, he tripped over a branch and fell down on his way there, and then tried his front door.  It was locked.  Desperate to keep pwning noobs, he decided to go around back and see if a window was open.  He surveyed the scene and realizing no windows were open, he sat down and began to think.  As he surveyed the window below his, he realized that he could climb up the ivy on the side of his house and onto the top of frame of the window below his window. He mounted the ivy, his muscles straining.  He started sweating as he climbed, he started panting.  As he reached the window sill he began to fade.  Finally, he made it.  He stood on the window sill.  He stretched, but could not reach his window.  After thinking, he decided to jump.  He jumped as high as he could.  His hands reached the window sill and he grabbed on.  Then he fell.  He fell two stories down.  He fell two stories down and landed on his arm and leg.  Both snapped instantly.  His parents where due home in a few hours.  His cat came by and lay on his head.  Unable to move, he sat there.