Applying to College:

An Almost True Story

            by Lani Rosenthal

 

Dear prospective Bravardton student,

 

            This is an exciting season in the admissions office, as my goldfish, Bubbles, and I wait for freshman applications to begin trickling in.  Bravardton University has always taken the utmost care to weed out all but the most qualified and dedicated applicants, and this year will be no exception.  I am writing to you today to inform you about the rigorous process you must undergo when, and if, you decide that your interest in Bravardton is fierce enough to merit applying.

 

The Application

            Bravardton never has, and never will, allow the use of any sort of communal application.  If a student is unwilling to go to the trouble of filling out our application and bubbling in our 84 additional bubbles, then obviously their desire to attend Bravardton is at least three below par.  The Bravardton application consists of several challenging parts, all of which must be received in the admissions office by October 6 for the application to be considered complete.

 

The Personal Essays

            This year we have taken extra measures to ensure that our application accurately reflects the intellectual prowess of Bravardton University.  In addition to our three essay questions from years past, we have added a new question this year.  Now, after much serious debate over whether or not it is a challenging enough topic, I am delighted to share with you Bravardton’s fourth essay question: “The Bravardton University mascot is a seal eating an apple.  In what ways have seals and apples played significant roles in your life?”

 

The “Creative Composition” Supplements

            I believe that our “creative composition” pieces this year are our best yet.  For the performance piece, we offer applicants the following prompt: “Dean Smaltzer has a beloved pet shiatsu named Mary Lou Jezebel.  Please send us a recording of yourself performing an original haiku for Mary Lou.  Be sure to include her full name within the haiku.”  For the visual component, we ask that all prospective students submit a 7x10 picture of themselves posing as the Bravardton mascot.  In order to discover whether an applicant embodies the Bravardton spirit, we must see how well he or she embodies the Bravardton seal.

 

Standardized Test Scores

            Please do not bother applying to Bravardton if your composite SAT score is above a 1200.  Bravardton University firmly believes that character should not be measured by ridiculous standards such as SAT scores, but by more meaningful standards such as the ability to play the nose whistle.  MCAT scores, however, may be considered instead.

 

The Research Project

            Many alumni remember fondly the times they spent huddled over a pile of books in the library or searching through the stacks to find just the right make-out spot.  These investigative skills play a large role in a Bravardton education, and we want to ensure that all of our applicants have what it takes.  Before their application will be considered, all prospective students must send us a family tree that traces their lineage back at least twelve generations, as well as all documents necessary to support their claims.

 

Letters of Recommendation

            In order to get a holistic understanding of our applicants, Bravardton University requires the submission of eight letters of recommendation, as follows:

§         3 teacher recommendations, one each from science, math, and English

§         2 extracurricular recommendations: e.g. coach, mentor, boy scout leader, rabbi, naval recruitment officer

§         1 peer recommendation, preferably written by a close friend

§         1 peer recommendation, preferably written by a sworn enemy

§         1 stranger recommendation, based on the charisma you display during a conversation with a stranger from the phone book.

 

The Program Instituted by Bravardton Alumni To Ensure the Qualification of Undergraduate Applicants (PIBATEQUA)

            Once an applicant has submitted the required family tree, the completed Bravardton application, eight letters of recommendation, and his or her appropriate standardized test scores, a member of PIBATEQUA will contact him or her.  This rigorous program consists of several interviews as well as a series of mental and physical challenges, culminating in a massive hotdog bun eating competition.

 

—        Interviews:  Every applicant to Bravardton, in addition to conducting an on-campus interview during the mandatory prospective student weekend (Sept. 3-4), must also meet and converse with an alumnus of the University.  The interview will be conducted at a local coffee shop of the student’s choosing, and their decision will, of course, be carefully analyzed to gather insight into their character.  Students should be prepared to answer questions about their extracurriculars and course of study, as well as to take a multiple choice quiz on Bravardton University’s history.  There will also be a short essay exam on the topic: “Who is your favorite character in the Aeneid?  Why do you identify with him or her?”

 

—        Evaluative Challenges:  Once an applicant has successfully completed their two interviews, they will be contacted by PIBATEQUA once again to schedule their first evaluative challenge: a Gladiator-style battle in which a group of applicants will compete against one another while fending off alumni attackers.  Specific events will include the rolling log fight, the mountain climb, and the labyrinth.  The competition will be tournament style, with points awarded to applicants upon reaching each tier.  Once the results from the tournament have been received in the PIBATEQUA office, they will contact the top scorers and allow them to continue on to the next evaluative challenge, which will measure not only knowledge, but stamina as well.  Applicants will be placed in a room and given a series of tests to be taken over the course of eight hours, while listening to Britney Spears.  They may take as many tests as they are able, and must remain in the room for the duration of the day.  Applicants leaving the room prematurely will be immediately disqualified and denied admission to Bravardton University.  Points will be awarded both for the number of correct answers and then number of tests completed.  Those scoring high enough will be invited back for the final evaluative challenge, the well-known hotdog bun eating competition.  Last year’s cutoff was 78 buns in under five minutes.  This year we have raised the bar so that only students able to eat 86 buns or more in under five minutes will be considered for admission to Bravardton.

 

 

            As you can see, admission to Bravardton Universtiy will be more selective this year than ever before.  I strongly urge you to familiarize yourself with these demanding requirements before making your final decision to apply.  If you are confident that your academic and personal endeavors are impressive enough to make you a Bravardton student, please keep in mind that we expect to see your completed application materials in the admissions office no later than October 6.

 

            Sincerely,

 

 

            Hoyt P. Snebber