Hormones

            by Johan Philippine

 

             “Ladies,” began the highly attractive bikini wearing announcer, speaking to a large crowd of young, very single and very scantily clad women. “It is with tremendous pleasure that I introduce to you a man who needs no introduction, a manly man so gorgeous, so deliciously fine his mere look turns me to mush. I just wish I could...ooo, the things I would do to that delicious hunk of a guy.” The announcer closed her eyes and quivered with anticipation. She opened her eyes again and looked offstage to her right. “This man is, of course, none other than –”

            “Mister Johnson!” shrieked Ms. Babbage, her voice cutting through my wonderful dream world. My head flew up out of my arms, drool connecting my shirt to my mouth. I wiped it on my partially soaked sleeve and pulled my dislodged cap down firmly against my scalp. “Since you seem to be bored by this material—” she slapped her pointing stick to an overly complex mathematical equation on the board, creating a very loud crack. I jumped in my seat. “—then I must assume you know it already. Come up here and solve this for the rest of the class.”

I started to stand up when I felt something brushing against the underside of my desk. Something in my pants. I tried to stop myself to the best of my ability, but it didn’t work. I was already standing, and the whole class could see that. I quickly put my right hand in my pocket in order to somehow mask that massive bulge. I calmed down. Everything was going to be all right. I had a plan.

            “I’m waiting, Mister Johnson,” said Babbage menacingly, now slapping her stick in her inner palm. Ms. Babbage was the ingrown toenail of my senior year. She was maybe sixty years old, but looked ninety. Her white, wispy hair was retreating, fighting a losing war with her forehead. She had large horn-rimmed glasses that we often called her satellite receivers. This notion was accentuated by her frequent vacant stares, when she seemed to be gazing at something no one else could see. Her low, raspy voice made her explanations for solving equations seem like you had to drive a spike through your own heart in order to solve for x. But her worst characteristic was her skin. Everywhere you looked at her, she was wrinkled way beyond a long soak in the bathtub. Her arms were like batwings. At that moment, her beady little eyes were staring right at me, magnified greatly by her antiquated bifocals.

            I started walking to the front of the room, trying my best to look cool and unconcerned.

            “Hey Jimmy, is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to be near Ms. Babbage?” said my arch-nemesis, Tanya. She was that semi-attractive girl with an unfortunately large bosom, which inevitably sparked rumors about her sexual schedule. This lifetime of mistrust in others has spawned a personality that is widely known as “bitch”. For some reason or another, she decided to take out her anger on me years ago, and has ever since.

The whole class centered its gaze at my groin. Under other circumstances, I would gladly welcome this sudden interest in my genitals. Unfortunately, the situation has linked my status to a very old, crotchety woman. I adjusted my hat with my left hand.

            “Actually, it is a banana.” I parried, pulling it out of my pocket. “Dessert!” A few people chuckled.

            “Mister Johnson, I’m still waiting...for you,” said Babbage impatiently.

            “Hey Jimmy, don’t tell me you’ve got two bananas for lunch.” The classroom erupted in laughter. Damn. I shouldn’t have pulled that banana all the way out of my pocket. “That one’s noticeably smaller too,” she added, “I almost missed it.” I turned beet red and quickly put the banana back in my pocket shamefully. My high school dating career was now officially over.

            “Mister Johnson, your embarrassment...isn’t over yet,” said Babbage tortuously. God I hate that bitch. I continued my march to the front of the room, doing my best to shut out the peals of laughter coming from my classmates. She handed me a marker, staring directly into my narrowed eyes. I broke away from her gaze and faced the board, uncertain of what to do next.

            “Do take your time, Jimmy, you’ll be staying here until there’s a solution on the board,” she said menacingly, hovering behind my shoulder.

            What could I do? There were only a few minutes left before the end of class and the onset of lunch.

            And then, the answer came to me. There was a strange new source of warmth above my head, and the classroom seemed to light up for some reason. It was a desperate move, but one that would provide a solution

            I furiously wrote numbers on the board, one after another in a string of pure, unadulterated logic. My newfound genius simply had to protect me from sparking rumors of what I’d do alone with Ms Babbage.

            With a final flourish, I wrote the last number of the last equation. The class was completely silent. Someone dropped her hairpin, explosively shattering the silence. I turned around to face the people who had been mocking me only moments before.

            “Whoa...”

            “Hella smart, dude.”

            “That takes some major balls, man, major balls.”

I smiled, triumphant. That last comment had come from Tanya, and to get her to recognize my above-average package was a feat indeed. Maybe she wasn’t so bad after all.

            “Mister Johnson, that’s an... original way to look at a problem. However, multiplying the whole equation by zero is hardly an acceptable way to approach mathematics.”

            “You said you wanted a solution, Ms. Babbage, and I gave you one. May I please sit down now?” I asked in the sweetest voice I could muster.

            “Yes, you have a point. Have a seat.” I strutted to my desk, thoroughly enjoying my victory by contemplating what I’d eat for lunch. Would I have the bratwurst? No, that would be too suggestive. “You’ll also be seeing me in detention, Mister Johnson, for the rest of the week. You’ll be receiving some...extra tutoring from me.” she added, glaring at me. I could’ve sworn I saw her mouth twitch into a smile. The class erupted in a cacophony of “OOO!” ’s, followed by a catcall from Tanya and general laughter. I clenched my fists and ground my teeth together. Tanya had crossed the line, and was not going to escape the hurricane that would be my wrath. There was no telling what horrors I would bring forth. But from my anger emerged another feeling, another strange sentiment often associated with hate. It was inexplicable – what could make me feel this way? That’s when I realized – Ms. Babbage was the source of this feeling.

            It was an uncontrollable, wild, savage, animal-like desire to get the hell away from that room and run as far as I could from that demonic prune.

            The bell rang, freeing all my fellow classmates. Ms. Babbage walked to the door behind the departing students, and locked it after the last of them had left.

            “And then...there were two, Mister Johnson,” she intoned in a significantly smoother voice. I gulped. “Let’s make this room a little more...private, shall we? We wouldn’t want anyone disturbing our...lessons.” She moved to the windows to lower the blinds.

“Is that really necessary?” I asked. “I mean, my mom often tells me I’m pale and none of the girls will like me until I get a tan and- ”

“Damn blinds never work well,” she muttered, struggling forcibly with the cords. The loose skin around her arms was jiggling ferociously. I shivered.

            Finally, the blinds descended. She turned around to face me.

            “We have 45 minutes, Jimmy. That should be...more than enough time for the task before us.”

            “All of lunch? Ms. Babbage, I have to go eat something. I’m skinny enough as it is, and my mom will get mad at me if I don’t eat more than my banana. Can I go earl-”

            “Don’t worry Jimmy, you’ll get plenty...to eat,” she said, her eyes twinkling.

            “I...what are you talking about, Ms. Babbage? I can’t get any more food if I’m in here...” I asked

            “Oh Jimmy, stop playing dumb.” She started walking towards me. “I haven’t had anything alive near my nether regions in so long -”

            “WHAT? I don’t want to hear that!” I stood up quickly and placed my desk between the two of us.

            “Cut the crap and take your clothes off!” she ordered. Then, she growled.

            “But...but...I...” what the fuck was I gonna do? I was locked in a room with a psycho hose beast. I’ll have to talk my way out of it. I thought.

            “I don’t have a condom!” I exclaimed. She laughed maniacally, still walking towards me.

            “Jimmy, I’m too old to get pregnant. Now come here and scratch my itch.”

            “I might have gonorrhea!”

            “I developed an immunity to that in 1974!” She darted around the desk to get to me. I shrieked and ran towards a window. Damnit damnit damnit! What’s that other one?

            “Blue balls! I have blue balls!”

            “All the better then!” she continued her pursuit, shepherding me in a corner. Oh, right. That’s used to persuade girls to have sex with me. Idiot.

            “I mean literally! I got punched in the nuts this morning. I don’t think it’d be good for me if I...you know...”

            “I promise to be gentle!” she yelled at the top of her lungs, her magnified eyes blazing. She stood there in front of me, blocking any way out of the corner. It was time for the last possible attempt.

            “I had meant to tell everyone at once...but I guess I’ll have to tell you now, Ms. Babbage.” She looked at me expectantly. “I’m gay.”
            “What?”

            “I can’t get my gear going unless there’s another man’s large, throbbing cock involved. I’m sorry Ms. Babbage, but this just won’t be possible.”

            Instead of looking disappointed, Ms. Babbage grinned. “Well, that makes this next part easier then.” Then, she took off her dress.

            Or, should I say, he took off his dress.

            My mouth fell open, ready to scream. But the sight was too much for my brain to handle. I had thought his arms were wrinkled badly, but boy, I had no idea. And also quite disturbingly, though not surprising, the carpet matched the drapes.

            “Jimmy, you don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for this.”

            Still, I said nothing. He walked closer to me.

            “Now, let’s see that banana of yours.” His hand made a move to my crotch. That’s when I snapped. I slapped his hand away and pushed past him to the window, opened it, and jumped out.

~

            I sat up in my hospital bed.

            “So that’s why we’re here,” I said, finishing my story. I looked up from my hands to the other bed in the room.

            “That’s bullshit,” said Tanya, “except maybe the part about you being gay. I can totally see that as true.” She was sitting in her bed, wearing a cast over her breasts. A few of her friends had signed it. Someone had drawn in where they thought her nipples were. They weren’t drawn very well. One was bigger than the other, and they were kind of lumpy. I snapped my gaze to her face.

            “Why the fuck else would I jump out of a second story window?” I asked. She looked away from me, out the window.

            “You wanted to get back at me.”

            “So I jumped on you and broke both my legs?” I asked incredulously. “I don’t hate you that much.” She turned her head back towards me.

            “Really? You really don’t hate me?” I blinked.

            “You’re not going to turn out to be a man trying to rape me too are you?” I asked suspiciously. She turned away again. “Sorry. No... I guess I don’t hate you. You did break my fall, after all.”

            “Well...you weren’t entirely wrong.” She turned to me again, her eyes twinkling. “I just teased you to hide my deep love for you.”

            “I...whoa...”

            “Oh Jimmy, take me now!” she cried out, “Show me your banana!”

“OKAY!” I yelled, launching myself off my bed. That’s when I remembered I had two broken legs. I fell on my arms, and escaped further harm. However, I was stuck on the floor. Tanya started laughing hysterically.

“Little help?” I asked. She came off her bed and lay down next to me.

“Do you have your hat, Jimmy?” she asked, tittering wildly.

“I...don– ” She cut me off by moving her head close to mine. She stopped, gazing into my eyes lustfully. I tilted my head to the side, closed my eyes, ready to receive.

“SYKE!” she yelled in my ear. “Man, you’re such a tool.” She got back up onto her bed.

My life sucks.