Walk in the Park

            by Nick Perovich

 

            I think that my life is overall pretty funny. I can’t comprehend it but I feel like I go through my day with the intent to witness or commit something amusing. As a middle school kid I would constantly get kicked out of class, and sometimes suspended, for unnecessary outbursts and making the class a circus for half a minute. In high school my behavior continued in the classroom but off the school grounds there have been many an adventure that is in need of telling.

            My night was one that took place not too long ago. It was early my sophomore year and I had just started to really dig my heels into the high school scene. My friends and I would go to parties and take that all in or if there wasn’t anything going on that night we would blow one and walk around, maybe throw some pomegranates at a car full of some wide eyed foreigners.  We usually would go to McDonalds or some fast food place that was still open and conversate with the people who were down on their luck and their sanity. One time we met some people at the downtown McDonalds that would constantly yell “East Ohio bitches!” and then would continue their lecture to us that the G.A.P. sweatshirt that my friend was wearing didn’t stand for the company, it stood for “Gorilla Ass Pimpin”. Later we saw a midget, or little person, in a shopping cart on center street barrel down the sidewalk and totally take out a crack head who was ranting (to himself) that his friend “Rudy” was wrong that church’s chicken was indeed closed on Mondays. Anyways, I’m moving away from the topic at hand.

            I live across the street from Thousand Oaks school and a predominately oriental church. My friends and I would always hang out at my house for unknown reasons. We would often go to Thousand Oaks so we could indulge into the teenage activities and be as loud as we wanted. Sometimes we got the great pleasure of running from the police car that would suddenly find itself in the playground with its search light on. So one time we were at the park and we noticed a huge wave of Asians walk through the park into the church across the street. We decided to go check it out. We snuck into the church and found them doing some type of sacrificial dance to a broken English rendition or “I will survive” in a circle around what seemed to be a cauldron of some sort. Then we heard someone coming so we made our way out of the building before he locked the door. From that point on, we were going investigate this cult to the end. This is North Berkeley and there is no tolerance for cults!

            The following week Billy Joe, Bronson and I decided to go back on the upcoming Friday night dressed in camouflage and record this event and maybe create a “Berkeley Gone Wild!” or “Cal Students Caught On Tape!” video to ignite a floundering reputation that the city has. Friday night came and we all rendezvoused at my house. We brought our best camouflage, which turned out to be black pants, black hooded sweatshirt and my very own contribution: eye black. There were five of us because Augustus and Tony Montana decided to join so we could be considered a mini-mob. So we embarked on our exploration with our video camera ready to capture something to shoot us to the top. The influx of Asians didn’t come till around 9 o’clock so we decided to walk to Barney’s and eat some quality food while observing their quality waitresses. On the way down I was talking to one of my friends while the other three were carrying on a conversation of their own. I was curious about what they were talking about so I slowed down and started to listen to their conversation. All I heard was “push him! Push him!” and then they all pushed my up against a glass window and starting punching me somewhat hard on the back and in the ribs. I got what they were doing so I went to the ground as “You son of a bitch! Fuck you you skank! Slut! You eat shit for breakfast!” was flying through the air while they were fake kicking me on the ground. All of a sudden a red car screeches to a halt and some old lady yells “Stop it you fucks!” so all of my friends turn and start running at the car yelling obscenities as I get up slowly and glance into the glass window and see a full restaurant of people gawking at me with their forks halfway to their mouths. The joke was over after they chased the old lady away. We proceeded to Barney’s and had a terrific meal.

            Soon we found ourselves at Thousand Oaks with our camera ready for the wave. 9 came and went. 9:15 came without any racket. 9:30 came without a chirp so we decided to give up on the idea and we took the camera back to my house and went back to the park to enjoy the night. Two of us left for some reason that I can’t say so there were only three of us left. Augustus called us and said that they had seen two fellow classmates of ours walking to the park. So we simply put or hoods on and looked out.

            We were in the school a ways so when people enter the grounds from the main entrance all you can see is figures. So the three of them strolled into the park, as we were shouting, “Let me get that watch, ya bitch” and random things like that. They just walked up the stairs into the school without any type of return fire. We let them sit there for a couple of minutes then we got the inspiration to run up there and chase them or create some type of situation. So we head out in a dead sprint while yelling in a deeper, more belligerent tone “come here you bitches! Hey mother fuckers!” We hit the stairs and we heard them scream and start to panic. We got to the top and we see them hit the corner and head up to Solano. We continue our pursuit still yelling onto down Solano. Billy Joe and me pull up while Bronson is still chasing them on his own. We head back to Thousand Oaks and wait for Bronson to return.

             After about fifteen minutes Bronson returns. He comes back panting, “I Lost them dudes. Check it out though, they think that I have a gun.” We immediately call Augustus to ask him where they went. Augustus calls us back and tells us that they are at 7-Eleven a couple of blocks away and that they said that there were some “ghetto ass dudes chasing them with a gun”. So we promptly head down to the store while taking the shortcut so we could easily creep up on them. As we approach the store, we see them loitering on the corner. One of them turns and sees us and yells “THERE HE IS!!!” They scatter in different directions while we run to try to corner them. Bronson is holding his crotch like he is carrying a gun and yelling belligerently. Two of them run down the street while one of them runs up the street. All 3 of us pursue the one on his own. I break out in a sprint ahead of Bronson and Billy Joe. He turns around and whines, “Why are you doing this? Leave us alone!” He then sprints to the other side of the street then down towards 7-Eleven and runs into the store where Augustus is and screeches to the clerk “You have to hide me! There are three crazy hoodlums outside trying to kill me! I need to hide in your bathroom!” We sit around the corner winded because we don’t have the best endurance as Augustus and some other kid try to convince him to come out and fight us. After about 15-20 minutes they come outside and Augustus starts yelling “Why you messin’ wit my patna right here? You guys want to get shot? East Ohio bitches!” Bronson and I run up to Augustus and start fake fighting and he gets on the ground as we start to stomp him out. Then the same red car from a couple of hours ago screeches to a halt and yells out “Stop it you fucks! I’m gonna get you all arrested you fucks!” We yell back at her while Pussy ass kid runs back down to 7-Eleven shrieking “Somebody call 911! They are crazy! Somebody call 911! So we all get up (including Augustus) and run towards a back street.

            We end up getting back to the school and see another wave of Asians walking through the school from the church in what seems to be AC/DC t-shirts and bandanas. They get into the playground area and form a huge circle in the middle. As they finish forming the circle a short, asian dude with a red AC/DC shirt, pink bandanna and sunglasses stroll through the park with a huge boom box. Right before he enters the circle they all bow. He then enters the circle, turns on the boom box and out comes Burn, Baby, Burn. All of the people start doing some sort of dance between the twist and the dance Michael Jackson did in his Thriller video. All of a sudden, the pink bandanna character starts break dancing in the middle of the circle! I couldn’t believe my eyes. I looked to my friends and all of their jaws were down at the ground. After Funkytown, Disco Inferno, and Night Fever were all played. They packed up and went home and as did we. It was a long night and the most fun I had was watching an asian cult break dance do some disco music.