Trust

            by Sara Nazeer

 

      I had always thought that Alicia was my best friend. She was always there for me when I needed her. Even at the time my father died.

     Alicia’s parents gave me the love of a father and a mother. My father died when I was six years old. I had never seen my mother because she left me when I was a week old. My father told me.

      Your mother said “this is a mistake and I will not ruin my life for this”.

     I had never seen my mother in person. My father showed me a picture of her. She was light skinned, brown hair, and light brown eyes. She was pretty in pictures but in my mind her image was of a woman who hated nature and who hated me. My mother wanted her life more than mine.

     I cried a lot when my father died. I was so lonely in this big world. Alicia was the only one there for me.

     Alicia told her parents “I want Carla to live with us mom”.

     Form that day on I shared everything with Alicia even a room. We were like sisters.

     Alicia’s parents adopted me. They treated me as there own daughter.

     I never regretted the loss of my mother, but I did regret the loss of my father. At times, when Alicia and her father sat together and talked for hours about college. I looked at them from the corner and smiled, imagining my father being there for me. I always got tears in my eyes. I imagined my dad holding me and talking to me for hours.

    When we started high school everything changed for Alicia and me. She wasn’t the same Alicia anymore. She even got a separate room. One day I was in school, Alicia came up to me and said.

    “Hey Carla I was thinking if you could move out to the room next to my room, because I need more space. I don’t think there is enough space in the room we stay in right now.”

     I answered “Okay Alicia.”

     I didn’t want to move to another room. I felt very lonely. I had lost everyone who was close to me.

     After school I walked home all by myself crying from inside. There was no one to ask for advice or help. I missed my father a lot and wanted  him to come back. By the time I got home and went up stairs. Everything that had belonged to me in Alicia’s room had been moved to the next room.

    I couldn’t believe it that a lady whom I call my mother would move all my stuff without even asking me for my opinion. I realized that she wasn’t my real mother.

     Mom said “You already home honey, okay so ready for your new room?”

     “Yes mom I am ready”.

     Mom “Good so we will go shopping this evening for your new room”.

     I went into my new room and looked out the window hoping to see someone who would understand what I was going through. This room was smaller then the room I had before and the lights in this room were very dark. All my furniture was scattered around the room. Then someone knocked on my door. I immediately wiped my tears and answered.

     “Who is it?”

     “It’s mom”.

     She stepped inside and gave me a box of all my belongings that had been sitting in Alicia’s closet.

     She said, “This is the last box that was in Alicia’s room and now you can set everything up as you want so go ahead”.

     I said “Thank you mom”.

     I put the box that my father left for me under the bed. I had never opened it and didn’t want too either because it reminded me of my father.

     The next day I went to school and saw Alicia talking to some guys in the corner who always bothered me.

     As I walk to my locker I can hear the conversation between Alicia, Charles and his group of friends.

     “Alicia why don’t we chill out sometime. It will be fun. Just buzz me anytime” says Charles.

     Alicia answers “Sure I will buzz at you when I need too”.

     She hugs Charles and then comes to me.

     “Where have you been little missy? And why do you always stare at me when I talk to others? Are you jealous”?

     I am scared that Alicia will fight with me. Because her dark hair and big brown eyes with so much make up looks scary when she is mad. Alicia never used make up before this was a big change in her. I just reply.

     “I just want to tell you that those guys are not good. They smoke, they are bad Alicia and also…”

     Alicia says “Stop it Carla, you don’t know them. I told you to stay out of my business and please relax”.

     Alicia smiles at me, then turns the smile into a grin and then rolls her eyes at me.

     I walk to class all by myself. As I enter in the class my teacher Ms. Carson announces.

     “Class we will be taking a little exam on what we have studied so far. Get ready and I will pass out the questions”.

     Alicia comes into class with headphones on her ears and disturbs the whole class. The teacher tells her to sit on the back. Alicia rolls her eyes at the teacher and says, “Whatever”.

     Ms. Carson gives her the test. Alicia passes me a note, which says,

     “Give me the answers”.

     I write all the answers on a piece of paper and look around to see if Ms. Carson is looking at me. Ms. Carson is looking towards the board and right then I pass the note to Alicia.

    “Stop it right there” said Ms. Carson.

    My hands start to shake and then my face turns red I can feel heat coming out my ears as the whole class stares at me.

     “You are cheating Carla I am ashamed of you. I thought you were one of the good examples in this class but you are not, you will be spending the rest of the week in OCI”.

    I look at Alicia hoping that she would say something, but she just smiles at me turns the smile into a grin and rolls her eyes at me.

    The security guards come in the class and take me to OCI. They call my “so called” home and tell my “so called” mom that I have cheated.

     Mom answers “Well I am really sorry for all the disturbance that has happened today because of Carla.”

    I can’t believe the words that came out of mom’s mouth. I start crying while the other students in OCI stare at me and the security guards look at me as if I am a criminal.

    I go home and mom opens the door.

    “You will be spending the rest of the day in your room”.

     Mom says this to me with her eyes wide open and her voice full of anger. I just run up to my room and cry. I miss my dad a lot, I want him so bad but there is no way I can get him. I have realized that my father is gone too far. I take out old pictures of my father and me. In one of the pictures my father is holding me and I am so happy.I wish those days were back.

    “I want you back dad, I want you back” I mutter to myself.

    In the evening mom comes in and talks to me.

    “Carla you shouldn’t have cheated”.

    “I didn’t cheat I was trying to help Alicia, but the teacher taught that I was cheating.”

    Mom said “What? You were helping Alicia”.

    I answer “Yes I was helping her she passed me a note which said she needed the answers”.

    Alicia steps in the room and says.

    “Carla I told you to give me the answers, but you were just so dumb that you didn’t even look around too see if some one was looking at you or not”.

    I answer “I did look around, I tried to pass the note to you, but Ms. Carson reached for it before you did”.

    Mom brakes in our conversation “Okay girls it doesn’t matter anymore, now I want both of you to stop the argument and forget everything that had happened today”.

    Mom leaves the room and Alicia comes and sits next to me.

     “Carla thank you so much for what you have done for me today”.

     I ask Alicia “Why didn’t you tell Ms. Carson that you asked me for the answers?”

     Alicia answers in a strong voice “Because I didn’t want to get in trouble and anyways you are my friend you are suppose to help me, now stop crying because everything will be all right. Anyways I have great news to tell you”.

    I cannot believe it that Alicia has changed so much. It doesn’t matter to her if I get in trouble. She doesn’t care if I am crying. All that matters to her is her own life she has become so selfish. Doesn’t she remember the time when her cat died and I was there for her. Also at the time she broke her ankle.

    “What?” I answer.

    Alicia says, “I and Charles are going out”.

    I answer “Really that’s good”.

    I answer to her as if I am so happy that they are going out. I don’t even care because I know that Charles is bad and even though I have told her she still doesn’t listen. This is how she wants our friendship to be then I can keep it this way.

    Alicia says “But there is something I want you to help me in Carla, I am also going out with Jamie”.

    I answer “Two guys at the same time”.

    Alicia laughs “Yes two guys at the same time. Jamie is from El Cerrito High and you know Charles he is from our school. There is no problem accept that on Saturday I have to meet both of them”.

    “Alicia does mom know about this” I say.

    Alicia answers “No, and I don’t want her to find out anyways, so please help me.”

    I answer, “What can I help you with”?

    “Well there is a lot that you can help me with. You can come with me to the mall so mom will not suspect that I am going on a date and not just a date, but a double date.”

    Not sure of what is going on I say yes to Alicia and she leaves the room.

    All nightlong I think about the changes in Alicia that have occurred since we started high school. I also focus on mom’s attitude toward me, which also has changed. I am afraid that they are tired of me and want to kick me out of their house. I am a burden on them. Then I think about the words Alicia said to me “You will always be my best friend and I will be there for you”.

     I assure myself that nothing like this will happen and close my eyes imaging my father sitting besides me singing me a lullaby.

    The next morning I wake up and see Alicia sitting besides me.

    “Get up so we can get to the mall”. Alicia says with a frown on her forehead.

    “Right now” I answer.

    “Yes right now its 12 o’clock” Alicia screams.

    We get to the mall at about 1 o ‘clock. First Jamie comes; Alicia and Jamie both look at each other as if they were in love from years. I don’t understand how people can keep with the flirting. I just look at them hoping that one of them would say something and brake the eye talk.

   “You look very nice Alicia” blurbs Jamie.

    “Thank you” Alicia slips out of her mouth.

    I thank god that the silence is broken and they both walk away holding hands. As I stand there lonely in the mall hoping to find someone to be with.

    I roam around the mall in different shops. Then Alicia calls me up.

    “Hey how is it?” I answer as if I am so excited.

    “Carla I am in such trouble” Alicia cries out.

    “What happened?” I answer.

    “Charles saw me with Jamie and now I am in such trouble.”

    “Okay don’t worry Alicia, I will come and see you right now”.

    I run out from the shop and see Alicia standing and crying. I feel really bad for Alicia and I try to convince her that everything will be all right.

    Alicia cries out “Everything is finished, Charles will hate me forever now”.

    I pat on Alicia’s back hoping that she would stop crying, but then I remember the time Alicia didn’t help me when I was in trouble. I suddenly feel like slapping Alicia and just do something to her so bad that she would die right away and I will never have to see her face again in my life. But I remember the time she helped me when my father died. I just leave her and tell her.

    “We should be heading home”.

     On the way home me Alicia don’t even say a word to each other. I feel so much better inside because I understand how she feels now. I am happy that she is crying and suffering just like me. Mom opens the door and Alicia just wraps around her mother. Alicia lies to her mom telling her that she had a fight with one of her friends.

   

    I just go to my room.

    There is a big silence in the house these days. No one talks to each other. Alicia most of the time stays in her room. I feel so good not to see her coming out of her room, but sometime I feel bad because she is my friend.

    One night when mom and dad go out for a business meeting. Alicia comes into my room. It’s been two weeks since I have seen her, even though we live in the same house. Her eyes have dark circles around them. Her skin is so pale. And her lips are so dry. She says.

    “Carla I have to tell you something”.

    I smile and say, “What happened now”.

    Alicia starts crying.

    She shouts out “I am pregnant”.

    I don’t know what to say.

    “Are you sure?” I answer.

    “Yes I am sure I went to the health center in the school,” she cries out.

    “ Now what are you going to do? You know mom will kill you if she hears about this” I answer.

    There is a sudden silence in the room. I want to help Alicia but sometimes I just feel like that she doesn’t deserve my help. She got pregnant and she dated two guys at the same time. She should be ashamed of herself. I want to scream at her and tell her how bad she is. How has she been treating me and how do I feel about her being pregnant, but I just keep quite until she brakes the silence.

    “I will get an abortion. I will not ruin my life for this mistake”.

    “What? You call this a mistake,” I say angrily.

    “Yes this is a mistake,” Alicia screams at me.

    I can’t believe what Alicia just said she is calling her baby a mistake. Right now I can see the image of my real mother in her. Because she also said that I was a mistake. I don’t understand why do parents make these mistakes? Its not the Childs fault and they call us mistakes.

    “Alicia you cannot call this a mistake this is your fault you are the one, you should have known what you were doing” I scream at her.

    “ I did know what I was doing, but this is a mistake and I will not ruin my life for this”.

    I cry as she sits there staring at the ceiling thinking about her life. Alicia’s words prove to me that I am also a mistake and I don’t deserve to live. She doesn’t say anything to me and I just sit there thinking about my father.

    I never seen my real mother, but Alicia’s image is just like her. I hate Alicia more then ever now. Everything that she does is just so annoying. I wonder how she is feeling about telling me all the stuff. Did she think about me before saying that her baby was a mistake?  My mother also called me a mistake?

    Mom and dad get home. Alicia runs out of my room. I turn the lights off and just lay in my bed thinking about what Alicia had told me.

    Days go have gone by and still Alicia and I haven’t talked. Mom and dad don’t know that Alicia is pregnant. One day in school. I see Charles and Alicia walking to the health center. I walk behind them and then Alicia turns back.

    “I am getting an abortion tomorrow,” Alicia says to me.

    Charles looks at me and says, “Yes she is getting an abortion, because we will not let this baby ruin our lives”.

  They both call their baby a mistake. I don’t agree with them it’s there fault and this baby is not a mistake. I Just walk by them.

    When I reach home I see mom sitting in the living room. She looks at me and says.

    “ Carla I want to ask you what is wrong with Alicia and you why are you two not talking to each other?”

    “Oh nothing mom its just that we are busy and there is a lot that we have to worry about in school you know now that we are in High School there is a lot of responsibility on both of us” I say in a scared voice.

    I want to tell mom the truth. I cannot hold it inside me anymore. I want to scream out everything that is wrong with Alicia and me.

    Mom looks into my eyes and says, “Tell me the truth”.

    I cry out “Alicia is pregnant”.

    Mom’s face just blanks out. She sits down for a minute and takes a deep breath.

    “Why didn’t you tell me this before”?

    I answer crying out loud “She is going to abort the baby tomorrow because she thinks that it’s a mistake, just like my real mother taught I was a mistake.”

     Mom says, “Well it is a mistake.”

    I can’t believe it that mom just said that Alicia’s baby is a mistake. I go up to my room crying because now everyone hates me. I don’t deserve to live I deserve to die. Why didn’t my parents abort me? If they had done that I wouldn’t have to face all these consequences now. The world has proved to me that there is no place for me to live in this world. I want to kill my self as well Alicia, her mother and my real mother. I feel so helpless. I have no one to talk to.

    Alicia comes home and confronts mom.

    “Why didn’t you tell me before Alicia?”

    Alicia answers as if she doesn’t know what her mother is talking about “Tell you what mom”.

    Mom screams at her “That you are pregnant”.

    Alicia looks at shouts and me.

    “She must have told you”.

    I keep quite.

    Mom says, “Yes she told me, but I am ashamed to know that my on daughter would lie to me.”

    Alicia cries, “I was scared mom, I wanted to tell you but I didn’t know how. And anyways I am going to get an abortion tomorrow. I will not ruin my life mom I am too young to have a baby now”.

    Alicia and her mother both hug each other and go to their room. Convincing each other that everything will be all right once Alicia gets an abortion.

    I sit by the stairs crying for my mother and my father. I wish they were here. I wish my mother had never left me. Tears roll down one by one. No one cares about what Alicia had said to me. Maybe no one understands that I am also a child that was unwanted. But I wonder why my father kept me for six years.

    At night I open the box that my father left for me when he died. I opened the box and found a diary, a pen, a ring, a valentine card that my mother gave to my father and a picture of my mother and me. I opened the diary and the first page on that said how my parents met, and how much my mother loved my dad. I read four pages and as I was on the fifth one I read a part where my dad said.

    “Our love ended when I found out that Cherry was pregnant. I wanted her to get an abortion. But she didn’t want to get one, and she died giving birth to Carla”.

    Just that line changed everything for me. I didn’t know that my mother died giving me birth. All that time I hated my mother. I taught that my father was the only one who loved me. I trusted my father more then anyone else I had known. He lied to me all that time he said my mother left me. I was broken my heart shattered. I hated everything about me. I hated the fact that I had lived killing my mother who wanted me more then her life.

  

   

    

   

    “

   

   

   

 

    “