Loss
by Sara Nazeer
"I am getting married next week,” Anna says.
"What Anna?"
I am at loss of words, my best friend Anna is getting married next week. I think of all the joy we will have at her wedding. I just want to see Anna in her wedding dress, smiling at everyone.
I answer happily, "Did you call Rachael and Nicole yet?"
"I haven't called them yet, but once I do it they will go nuts.”
"That's true, Anna, I can't believe that you are getting married next week well, congratulations.”
I hang up the phone on that note and remember our high school days when Nicole, Rachael, Anna and I use to have so much fun together at Berkeley High School. Anna was always the one who tried to make our friendship last forever; she was like a mother who guided us. And now she is getting married.
The very next day we all meet at Aquatic Park, our favorite place to relax, and so we could talk about Anna’s wedding.
I drive to Nicole's house and pick her up. I drive by all the muddy roads, and workshops. At the end of the street, Nicole stands with her yellow bag, purple shoes and green dress. Nicole is very tall, with blonde hair, and blue eyes; she is a pure white girl. She lives in a shelter house. She lost her mother when she was four and her father never paid any attention to her.
Nicole opens the car door and says, “You are late.”
"Oh, I know. Anyways, can you believe that Anna is getting married, Nicole?” I say happily.
"What is there not to believe, Samantha?”
Nicole shows no expression of happiness,
I know she is sad that Anna will move to New York with her husband, Bret, and we will not see her that often. Nicole and Anna had been very close to each other. In fact, they went to the same elementary school, and then I came along, and after me, Rachael came. Then we all became best friends forever.
"I know Nicole, you are sad that Anna will move.”
"Kind of" Nicole says smiling.
We get to the park at 12:30 Rachael and Anna are already there.
"Hey guys,” say Anna and Rachael. They wave their hands at us.
I run up to Anna and give her a big hug.
“So you guys ready for the wedding?” Anna says.
“Anna I am so ready, I know what shoes and also what earrings I am going to wear, so I am totally ready,” Rachael says with such confidence.
“Oh Rachael I know about you; but what about you, Nicole?” Anna says smiling.
“I don’t know yet,” says Nicole with her head down.
Rachael laughs and says, “Well, honey, no matter what you do, don’t wear the dress you are wearing right now; you can get money by participating in the game I am doing and you can get five hundred dollars if you win the game." says Rachael.
"What game?" I say.
"Who ever runs the fastest on the track will get five hundred dollars." says Rachael.
"Then I think Nicole will win the race,” says Anna laughing.
Then we all laugh; While Nicole stands there looking at us. Sometimes I feel like Anna and Rachael are kind of mean to Nicole. They always make her realize that she is poor. I remember one time when Nicole was wearing ripped shoes. Rachael and Anna gave Nicole money so she could buy new shoes, but Nicole didn’t appreciate that. She refused to take the money.
As we all get into our places, Nicole says," I cannot run because I have a knee injury.”
"Well you can walk my baby can't yaw; don’t you need the money?" Rachael asks.
"No I don’t" says Nicole with her head lowered.
I break into the conversation and say, "Its okay, Nicole, you can sit down and time us.”
Nicole just nods.
Off we go as Nicole sits there waiting for us. We come back in less then ten minutes and Anna has won the game. She gets the five hundred dollars from Rachael.
Nicole just smiles at her, and gives a big hug to Anna and says “It’s your turn, you got it Ana for the last time.”
We all say good-bye to each other as Rachael heads to her car, Anna also heads off. I drop off Nicole. By the time I come home, my cell phone rings and I pick it up.
"This is Bret," his voice shaking.
"Yeah, Bret!" congratulations you and Anna are getting married next week. Better take good care of my friend.”
"I have to tell you something, Samantha," Bret says in a worried voice.
"What happened?"
"Anna is in the hospital. Her cars brakes failed she is in critical condition,” Bret says.
I am shocked to hear this. How can Anna's car's brakes fail? This is so unlike Anna. She was always so conscious to check her brakes before driving. I wonder about the consequences of her accident. What if Anna looses her legs? Or what if Anna goes into a coma?
"I will be at the hospital in less then ten minutes,” I tell Bret.
I reach at the hospital and Anna's mother looks at me and says, "She is no more, my daughter is no more,” she cries out.
"What, are you sure this can't be true? Anna cannot do this to us, she loves us." I say, as I am shocked to hear the news of Anna's death.
"It’s true she is no more, My Anna is dead,” Bret says, crying.
My body feels cold and my head spins for a second. Tears roll down my cheek. Why did my friend had to die why not someone else? She was such a nice girl who never did anything to anyone. We had such great times together. I remember when Anna told me that if one of us died, our friendship wouldn’t be finished.
Bret calls Rachael and Nicole. They come to the hospital right away. Nicole’s eyes shine. L can tell how sad she is. She just stares at Anna’s body.
Rachael cries out "Why, my friend? She is not dead, this is not Anna, tell me this is not Anna.”
There are tears everywhere. We all gather at Anna's funeral next week. We have no words to say. We just look at each other; nod, and pass a smile, looking at Anna's body smiling at us. I know Anna is still with us. She is looking down upon us, hoping that we will live for her.
I remember the time when we first started Berkeley High as freshmen. We were walking, and a car was about to hit me. Right then, Anna pushed me back and said, "I saved you.”
Tears roll down my cheek. Her memories can never go away. But I wasn’t there for Anna when she needed me. She was hurt so badly. Her legs were squished; blood was all over her body. Her dark brown hair was all tangled up and her beautiful blue eyes were wide open staring at the ceiling seeking for answers to her death.
Rachael comes and sits next to me. Her eyes all swollen, she says, "This was supposed to be her wedding day, but instead, it is her funeral.”
"I know, but we have to go through this for us, for Nicole, Bret and Anna's mother, okay?" I tell Rachael by hugging her.
I look at Nicole as she stares at Rachael and me. She still looks the same. She comes and sits by us quietly. She doesn’t even get a single tear in her eyes. But I can tell that she is crying inside.
After two months, on May 8th which was suppose to be Anna’s 22nd birthday, I call up Rachael and tell her that we should meet at the Indian rock a place where we went when we were in Thousand Oaks Elementary school.
One time we celebrated Rachael’s sixteenth birthday where Nicole gave her a gift that Rachael didn’t like. After sometime Rachael gave Nicole her gift back and said “This is so cheap for me.”
After that Nicole felt so bad I still remember the tears in her eyes that she hid from all us.
We all meet at the Indian Rock place. Rachael who can't hide her tears just stays away from me so I will not see the tears in her eyes. We all hold hands and sit there quietly.
"Do you remember the time Anna gave all of us Christmas presents and mine was a four-hundred dollar gift card?” says Nicole.
"Really, she gave you a gift card?" says Rachael laughing, “Well she knew you needed it.”
Nicole just looks at Rachael and says, “Well, I did need that money.”
I had never liked the way Rachael teased Nicole for being poor because I knew that deep inside Nicole was nice and cared about all the friends she had.
As the sun goes down, I set off to go home and Nicole tells me that she will walk home.
I get home and go to my room. The next morning Rachael’s father calls me and says, "Do you know where Rachael is? She hasn't been home since yesterday."
"Really, she hasn't come home? Last time we met at Indian rock and she told me that she was going home, or maybe she went to Nicole’s house." I tell Rachael’s father.
“I have already called Nicole, and she says Rachael is not with her.”
"Really?" I say, worriedly.
I hang up the phone and think about where Rachael can possibly be. She has no other friends.
One day has gone by and we still don't know where Rachael is. Nicole calls me and says, "She must have gone off with her boyfriend.”
"I don't think so,” I say.
After two days Rachael’s dad calls me says, "We have found Rachael.”
“Is she okay?" I say.
"Rachael is dead.” Her father says.
The phone falls from my hand. I don't have any words to say. I feel like I will die too, first, Anna and then Rachael. What else is left for me to lose?
I call Nicole, "We lost another friend of ours," I say, crying out loud.
"What happened, Samantha, are you okay?” Nicole says.
"Rachael passed away. Her body was found dead by the Indian rock place.”
Nicole stays quiet on the other line and then hangs up the phone.
After some days of investigation, the police find Rachael’s death to be an accident of slipping down the rocks and bumping her head. Her dead body had been lying there for the last two days. I wonder how she slipped. She was so careful about her footsteps.
At Rachael’s funeral, Nicole sits quietly and stares at her dead body. I cry as much as I can to let out all the feelings I have inside, to tell the world what I have been through. My shirt fills up with tears. My eyes squint, and my lips dry.
I seek answers for my friend’s death. I question god for my friend’s death. I lost my dad when I was in High School. And now I lost my two best friends. Nicole pats me on the back and says "Its okay. Now the two of us have to live for them.”
I look at her and imagine how hurt she is, but she still will not cry.
As days go by, summer comes, and I move to Florida for my graduate school. I try to forget all that happened with me, by keeping myself busy with school. But some part of me always makes me remember those horrible moments of Anna’s death, of her dead body lying there on her wedding day. She lies there quietly with red lipstick and white dress. I also remember Rachael’s death, when her body lay there with peace and a creepy smile was on her face like she was about to tell me something. There are a lot of questions that I seek the answers for, but no one has the answers. I don’t understand how new cars brakes fail? How can someone slip from the Indian rock it had never happened before when I, Rachael, Ana and Nicole use to go there after school?
Sometimes I wonder if Nicole has the same feeling for Rachael and Ana as I do. It doesn’t seem like it; Nicole always stays quiet when I talk about the sudden death of our friends. She always nods.
One time Nicole said “Some day they had to go, they weren’t supposed to live long.”
I just sat there quietly listening to her. As she said this, her facial expressions changed. Her face was filled with redness, her eyes squinted and her smile was as if she was hiding something. I never understood why Nicole acted like this.
I still can’t forget Anna’s sweet smile and Rachael rolling her eyes and rolling her hair with her finger.
With memories of all four friends, I finish my graduate school and come back to California after four years to see Nicole, and my family.
"Nicole, I missed you so much," I tell her by holding her tight.
"You missed me?” Nicole says.
"Yes I did,” I say again with a smile on my face.
I look at Nicole's eyes, which have dark circles around them, her skin so pale and lips so dry. She wasn't the same Nicole anymore.
"What happened to you?”
"Nothing," Nicole says, lighting up a secret in her mouth.
"You smoke, Nicole.”
She says smiling “This is the only thing that makes me forget what had happen and what part did I play.”
I quite don’t understand what Nicole means by that. It seems like Nicole wasn't happy to see me. I could tell by her facial expressions.
Nicole comes to my house and stays over night. We take out old albums; I start crying as I flip every page of the album, remembering those moments of joy. Nicole stares at the ceiling and tries to ignore all the pictures.
Nicole looks into her backpack and takes out a syringe.
"What is this?" I say
"This is the happiness, the one thing that makes me forget all my worries, and I’ve been taking these since I killed Anna and Rachael.”
"What?" I say angrily.
I can't believe what Nicole just said. Is she even in her senses?
"I killed them, I failed the brakes of Anna's car, and I pushed Rachael down the Indian rock.”
I can't say anything at that time because I don't know what is wrong with Nicole why she would kill her own friends. I just listen to her as tears roll down my cheek. Words can’t come out of my mouth.
"You know why I killed them? Well, let me tell you why? I killed them because always made me realize that I was poor. I don't know why you wasted so many tears for them; but I didn't kill you because you never said anything to me that made me realize that I was poor.”
"You killed your best friends just because of money, Nicole, you know how much they loved you,” I said crying.
"They didn't love me," Nicole says taking out a gun and pointing it at me.
"They did love you;” I shout at her, “You killed them.”
“I am going to kill you too,” Nicole says.
She points the gun to my head, "You guys always made me feel like I was poor. I had no money I was lonely. I needed you guys more then anyone when I lost my mother; you guys were always busy with your money and your happy life.”
I just sit there crying for the loss of all my friends and then I shut my eyes and tell Nicole, "Shoot me, come on shoot; I don’t want to live to see the killer of my friends.”
At that note, Nicole takes the gun away from my head. I open my eyes and see blood on the floor with two blue eyes staring at me.