Snowflakes

            by Caitlin Morrissey

 

Swoosh.

            Willa sailed higher with each push, and every time she flew back, she brought the wind with her, blowing my hair in different directions.

            Swoosh.

            “Mama! Look at me, mom! I’m going so high! Look!” she shouted delightedly.

            I gazed at Willa, watching her sail back and forth. I longed to be that carefree- to be young and naïve and without a concern in the world.

            Two weeks earlier I had been out grocery shopping. “I’m home!” I shouted, one hand pushing open our heavy front door and the other holding a bag full of fresh produce. I put the groceries down in the kitchen and started unloading them. “Dan! Can you come in here please?” I could hear the TV blaring some sports show in the other room.

            “Yeah, one sec!”

Frustrated by his laziness, I stomped into the room and shut off the TV. “Dan. Get up right now and help me. This is our party, and I don’t want to be the only one preparing for it.”

            “Jesus, Adele. I said I’d be right there. It was the middle of a play,” he spat back.

            “I don’t fucking care, Dan. Get into the kitchen now.”

            “Calm down. God, what is wrong with you?”

            “What is wrong with me? With me? Christ, Dan, I ask for your help all week but you can’t be bothered to do anything; you have work or sports or whatever. I’m tired and pissed off and you are going to help me.” I glared at him and then turned around and walked out of the room. Two seconds later I heard the TV come back on.

            “You’re doing great, baby,” I told Willa, sitting at the edge of the sandbox.

            She tilted her upper body backwards, letting her hair just graze the sand below the swing. She giggled each time she swung back and forth.

            After an hour, Willa had exhausted herself on the swings, slide, and monkey bars, and we decided to head home. A cold wind began to blow, so I picked up Willa and held her close to me. It was mid-December, Dan’s favorite time of year, and there still hadn’t been any snow. I could just picture the look of disappointment on his face as I surveyed the snow-free sidewalk.

            “Mama, when is Daddy coming back?” Willa tilted her head up and started straight at me. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold, and her gaze was unwavering. “Mama, Daddy needs to come back now, ok? Because we need to get a Christmas tree!”

            I had never been a fan of Christmas. Dan was always the one who brought the yuletide spirit into our house. Last Christmas, he had surprised us with a ten-foot tree.

            “It can go right in the living room, Adele! It’ll be perfect, and we’ll finally get a use out of those tall ceilings.”

            “I don’t know, Dan. Ten feet? I think that’s a little excessive.”

            “It’ll be great, honey. The best Christmas ever.” Dan planted a wet kiss on my cheek and walked back outside to get the tree from the car. And with that, it was settled.

            After I put Willa to bed that night, I sat at the kitchen table with a hot mug of tea, staring out into the black night. Too many conversations and fights from the past days filled my head, breaking the silence that pervaded the house. I started massaging my temples, willing the voices to go away. Suddenly, I felt a large lump rising up in my throat. I ran to the bathroom and hung my head over the toilet bowl. But instead of what I thought was about to come up, I let out a huge sob. Two more followed, this time with tears. I pushed the tears away and cleared my throat. I tried to get up, but my body wouldn’t let me. Instead, it stayed on the floor of the bathroom, next to the toilet, sobbing and crying, and occasionally rocking back and forth.

            Long after the tears had stopped coming, I slowly got up and made my way to the bedroom. Exhausted, I collapsed onto my bed and fell asleep instantly.

            Beep. “Adele? Adele, where the hell are you?” I shot up straight out of bed, blindly trying to find the phone which was under one of the big piles of dirty clothes that littered the room. Morning light was pouring in from the windows, and I realized that I had overslept yet again. I scrambled around on the floor, searching for the phone. “Adele, pick up. Pick up!”

            “Hello?” I had found the phone under the shimmering yellow dress I had yet to hang back up in my closet. “Dan?”

            “Where have you been, Adele? Jesus, it’s 10:30. I’ve been calling you for the last half hour.”

            “I’m sorry.”

            “Just get over here now, alright?” he said over the phone. I could tell that he was pissed. It was just like how he would talk to me after I broke the microwave, or when I forgot dinner plans.

            “Ok. I just have to get Willa up.” I also silently made a mental note to take extra care with my appearance than I had been lately. “I’ll be there soon.”

A few days after our argument about the party, I heard laughing, both high and deep. “Hon, Willa and I are going out for a bit. Can I get you anything? Coffee?” Dan stuck his head into my study.

            “Um, no,” I responded, deeply engrossed with the book I was holding.

            “Are you sure?” he asked, taking a few steps forward and putting his hands on my shoulders. “I can’t get you anything?” He began massaging my upper back.

            “No, Dan,” I said, swatting his hands away. “I don’t want anything. I’m in the middle of something right now.”

“Fine.” He sighed loudly and then walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

            After Dan hung up, I sat on the floor with the phone cradled between my head and shoulder. I knew I needed to start getting ready or he would just get madder and madder as he waited for us. Slowly, I got up and went into the bathroom to wash my face.

            As I splashed the cold water onto my face, I reached out for a towel that dangled next to the sink. I turned the water off and patted my face dry. It was only then that I allowed myself to look into the mirror. Dark circles hung like half moons under my bloodshot eyes. My pink cheeks had creases indented in them from where the pillow had sat moments before. I let out a huge sigh and turned back into the bedroom, where I picked through the piles of clothes, trying to find something decent to wear.

            Three weeks ago I saw the most beautiful dress I had ever seen in a window display case.

            “Oh, Dan! That dress-­ it’s so gorgeous!” I exclaimed as I pointed towards its gleaming yellow fabric.

“It’s nice,” he grumbled. We had gotten in an argument two blocks earlier about who to invite to our annual winter party.

            “I’m going inside to try it on.” I left Dan out in the chilly weather and strode into the store. I spoke to a sales assistant about where to find the dress in the window. He pointed me to rack in the back. There was only one yellow dress left- it was my size. I brought it into the dressing room, pulled it over my head and gasped. It fit beautifully. Taking it off quickly, I emerged from the dressing room and went up to the counter. The same assistant rang me up.

            “That’ll be $781.54.” His bored brown eyes had glazed over. Mine, however, were wide with shock.

            “Oh,” I stuttered.

            “Check or credit?”

            I fumbled through my purse. I knew Dan would kill me for buying something so expensive. But it looked so good and would be perfect for our party. I fished out my wallet and handed the man my credit card.

            When I emerged from the store, Dan seemed to have forgotten the argument. “Get anything good?” he asked.

            “Just a dress for the party.”

            “Very nice. I like yellow,” he said, peeking into the bag and grabbing my hand at the same time. “Let’s go back home.”

            “Adele, you made it.” Dan stood up from the bench he was sitting on, stuffing the cell phone he had used to call me earlier into his front pocket. He motioned to the door of a bustling restaurant. “They have a table waiting.”

            “Oh,” I said looking down, not wanting to meet his eyes.

            Willa, who was trailing behind me, started to speed up when she saw her father’s familiar face. “Willa!” Dan cracked a smile and knelt down, opening up his arms to embrace her. “Hi sweet pea!”

            “Daddy!” She tumbled clumsily into his outstretched arms. After a few moments, she pulled away. “Look Daddy! Look at what Mommy got for me!” She proudly thrust a shiny doll at him.

            “Bribery, huh?” he muttered to me, picking Willa up.

            “Dan, it’s not…”

            “Don’t Adele. I don’t want your excuse. It’s always excuses with you. Just go inside.” He opened up the heavy glass door and made his way through the restaurant toward an empty table. Quietly, I followed behind.

            “Adele! You look gorgeous!” Flailing hands reached to hug me from behind a bouquet of flowers.

            “Carla! Tom! Welcome!” I had to shout a little bit over the laughter that had just broken out in the other room. I knew that this was only the beginning of the noise- each year this party always tended to get louder and rowdier as the night went on. “Dan will take your coats,” I told Carla, motioning toward Dan who was animatedly chatting to Tom.

            Walking to the kitchen with the flowers, I noticed the happy groups of people clustered around the living room. I had won the argument over the guest list and had invited four more couples. The downstairs was a little overcrowded, but people seemed to be having a great time.

            “Oh shoot,” I cursed as water splashed over the side of the vase I was filling and onto my new dress. Once I placed the bouquet on the table, I hurried upstairs to use the blow dryer on the wet spots.

            “Willa, sit up please,” I said, scooting her chair even closer to the table. We had been sitting in silence since the waiter took our orders. I readjusted my napkin for the third time and took a sip of water.

            “Mama, can we go to the park after this?” Willa wasn’t looking at me as she said this- her full concentration was on her new doll, who she had named Barbie.

            “Maybe honey,” I responded, looking at Barbie as she performed somersaults and the splits.

            “So, you took Willa to the park?” Dan asked, his voice still flat.

            “We wanted to get out of the house. We were hoping that it might start snowing when we go there.” I looked straight at Dan as I said this.

            “No snow this year,” he responded, gazing out the window. “Too bad.”

            “Dan, we really need to talk,” I started.

            “Adele, I’m done talking. You’ve talked enough for both of us. I don’t want to hear it anymore.”

            “But you don’t listen to what I say! Please, Dan, you have to listen to me!”

            “Adele, don’t raise your voice. We’re in a public place.”

            “Dan, please.” Tears started to fill up my eyes, but I quickly brushed them away.

            “I’m done. You hurt me like you couldn’t imagine. I don’t want to talk anymore.”

            Quickly I made it up the staircase, my hand covering the wet spot on my yellow dress. The whole upstairs was dark, except for a tiny glow from the nightlight in Willa’s empty room. I fumbled around for the light switch, but instead of feeling the wall, I grabbed onto a broad shoulder.

            “Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see you there,” I faltered.

            “It’s ok, Adele.” The deep voice that spoke belonged to Mark, a work colleague of Dan’s. “I had to get some fresh air- it was getting too crowded down there.”

            I could vaguely make out his finger pointing in the direction of the downstairs. With the lights still off, I began to feel uncomfortable and moved back from Mark. I stumbled and he reached out a big hand to catch me.

            “Thanks,” I nervously laughed, my voice quavering slightly. Mark’s other hand reached out and grazed my face.

            “You know,” he started, “you look beautiful tonight, Adele. You really do.” I tried to pull back, but his grip was too strong. “Just beautiful,” he said. I tried this time to speak- to say or do something- but I was frozen. “Perfection in yellow,” he murmured into my ear. He pulled me even closer, his grasp tightening, until I felt like I was about to pass out. Suddenly the light switched on.

            “What is going on up here?” Dan spat, glaring between Mark and me. “Adele, what the hell is going on?”

            “Dan… I… He…” My whole body felt numb. Dan was silent, waiting for my answer. “It’s not… He just…” I tried again, but the words wouldn’t come out.

            “I can’t believe you,” he snarled and moved back toward the steps. “In the morning,” he said, his cold eyes piercing through my skin, “I’m gone.”

            I stood there speechless. Mark said something quickly and moved away. I walked toward the bedroom, reminding myself of the motions- left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. Stunned, I sat at the edge of the bed for what seemed like hours. When I realized that my dress was still wet, I pulled it over my head and left it on the floor in a crumpled heap. I climbed into bed and lay on my back, staring straight up at the ceiling for the rest of the night.

            I looked up from my full plate at Dan and took everything in- his blue eyes and dark hair, the tiny scar on the right side of his chin. He kept his brow furrowed, creating tiny little lines all over his forehead. He stabbed at his meal, but didn’t let any food pass his mouth. I took my fork and pushed my food around.

            “Daddy, will you come home with us?” Again, Willa broke our silence, this time with a question I was dying to know the answer to.

            “Baby, let’s just go to the park and we’ll see,” he said to her, but for the first time he looked at me. “We’ll see, ok?”

            “Sure Dad. Will you push me in the swing? Please, like Mom?”

            “Of course, honey.”

Swoosh.

            Willa laughed uncontrollably as Dan stood behind her, tickling her sides with each push. He was laughing along with Willa, sometimes holding her back to plant a wet kiss on her cheek.

            “Daddy! No more! Please! Please!” Willa giggled.

            “Oh, you don’t want me to push? Okay.” Dan walked to the side of the swing. “I guess I’ll just sit here all by myself,” he said, crossing his arms and looking at Willa.

            “No! Daddy! No! Come back, come back!”

            I was sitting on the curb of the sandbox, looking at Willa and Dan as they played on the swings. I closed my eyes, blocking out the sounds of their laughter and the cold of the wind. I sat like that for a while, until I felt a tap on my shoulder and what felt like sprinkles of water on my forehead and cheeks.

            “Mom! Mama, it’s snowing! Look!” Willa was shaking me now, pointing up to the sky where steady streams of tiny flakes were falling to the ground.

            “Wow, baby! Look at that snow!” I said, patting her head and looking up at the hazy white sky.

            “Snow, huh?” Dan walked over and sat beside me.

            “Yeah, snow,” I said as Willa ran over to the swings and sat with her eyes closed and tongue out. We sat in silence and watched the snow. “Dan, it really wasn’t…”

“It’s ok Adele, whatever it was,” he said softly.

“I’ve really missed you,” I whispered.

“I know. I’ve missed you too.” Slowly, he wrapped his arm around me, enveloping my body in his warm, protecting grip.

One after another, the snowflakes came down from the sky. Some turned to water right after they hit the ground, but others stayed, slowly building up the white, snow covered landscape.