Goodbye Love

            by Leslie Lu

 

        Saturday morning, my cereal is ready, and I’ve got three minutes before my mom comes by to drive me off to another fun day with grandma.  I turn on the TV, and no, no, no, my Tom and Jerry has been replaced by some muscular guy lifting a stick.  Quick find the remote... As I flip the channels, I find no cartoons are being aired at the moment.  What is wrong with my TV?  I guess a TV show is still a TV show, so I’ll watch the guy lifting his stick.

 

            Guy:  It fits in just about any room, and look at how easy it is.  I’m not even breaking a sweat.  You’ll be looking like me in no time.  Life is great.

 

            How intriguing, I think it’s time to change the channel.

 

Man:  Welcome back, now if you’re just tuning in, I’m selling a great collection of all sizes of axes.

Woman:  Yes and you get a set free if you buy one.  Let’s say you don’t need two sets of axes.  Give one as a gift.  Or if you need to get someone a gift, you can also give yourself a gift.  Oh look, we have a caller, hello?

Caller:  I just wanted to add in, for anyone watching right now, it is an awesome stress reliever.  I’d recommend the stone.  Doesn’t get the job done right away which gives more time to release the stress on the dog- I mean tree.

Man: Glad to hear it.

 Caller: Yeah, I just wanted to thank you guys, I’m having an exhilarating time with your product.

Woman:  Oh no, I should say thank you!

Man:  Wow when we started my stock was huge, and now it is quickly reducing, you better buy it now before it’s all gone. 

Woman:  Yeah, and we’ve got several varieties of axes included in the set.  We’ve got one with a genuine leather grip made of stainless steel, here’s a stone one, and this material is fine-grained basalt.  Here I’ll point them out.  Just look at the tons of materials.  We’ve got steel, leather, steel, stone, basalt, steel… you know the list just goes on. 

Man:  Oh the steel is my favorite.  It can do the darnest- can I say darn?  *beep*

 

What I thought was a delayed censoring was actually my mom outside honking her horn.  They should manufacture a manual censor for the TV. 

 

Caller:  Hi, I just wanted to *beep*k you guys, I’m having an amazing time with your product.

Woman:  Oh no, I should say *beep*k you!  Thanks for calling.

Man:  Wow when we started my *beep*k was huge, and now it is quickly reducing, you better buy it now before it’s all gone. 

 

That was pleasurable.  I turn off the TV and go outside to my mom who was still honking her horn.  (Do I need to add a manual censor there for kicks?)  Once dropped off at grandma’s, I go inside the unlocked door.  Turns out, there’s no grandma at grandma’s.  Even better, there’s a TV.  I can go back to watching infomercials.  It looks like I missed the beginning of the show.  Watching from the middle, bad idea.

 

Caller:  Oh, it’s just so amazing.  I watch you all the time.  Dena, thanks for coming up with this!  What I love to do most is, I put it on my gloves, rub it aggressively, and then I sleep with them.

Woman:  Ah yes, that also works well with the beeswax cream.  My secret is a hint of cheese.  About the beeswax cream:  Let me just tell our viewers, to use beeswax, people soften it with vegetable oil, and then, if the mice don’t get to it first, use it for sculpture and jewelry.   It was also used in moustache wax.  It works astonishingly well if you rub it on your arms, legs, or toenails.

Caller:  I use to have an ingrown toenail before I bought the kit.

Woman:  It can fix that?!-  ahem.  Yup it can fix that.  Now here’s a second caller.  Hello this is Dena.

Caller2:  Hey.  My son sprinkled one of the containers onto his ice cream, and now he can’t walk.

Woman:  I’m so sorry!  It wasn’t meant for ingesting.  Once again I’m sorry for paralyzing your son… gosh aren’t these types of calls suppose to be filtered out?  Shoot I said that out loud.

Caller2:  No, no don’t be sorry, I called to thank you!  We’ve been spending so much time together since. 

Woman:  Okay.  The Vanilla Discovery kit is $19.25.  It’s a three piece set.  See (points) one container, two containers, and three containers.  Three containers, three pieces, $19.25.  I’m having so much fun.

 

I’m having fun too Dena.  This was like watching PBS.

And I think I’m acquiring the phenomenal skill of counting backwards due to the timer in the corner.  Take that Count Von Count.

 

“Three…two… o-”

Damn I just lost my one chance in a life time on a bargained price Vanilla Discovery Kit.  What will I do now?   

 

Man: Hey I’m Tom.  And this is my partner Jared.  Our shredder will change your life.

     Ah. 

Man:  It’s just so mind blowing how it shreds away.

 

 “Tom and Jerry” is being replaced with “Tom and Jared”.  The name doesn’t sound as catchy.  These two men who invented an existing invention- the shredder, only their shredder is somehow better.  I’m forced to watch the Shredders do what two Shredders do best when they are together and with a shredder.  Shred.

 

Other Man: You can even stick in a credit card.  Look…  AHH… I mean, ah.  Please turn it off, turn it off.

Man: What’s wrong?

Other Man:  Ha. *sniff* We seem to have a jam problem.

Man:  No way!  I must have put six credit cards through last night. 

Other Man:  No the credit card made it through.

Man:  Oh… OH!  Oh my god!  Your hand!  Kk, hold still.  (leaves set)

Other Man:  YOU FORGOT TO TURN IT OFF!  (turns to camera)  You see how the shredder has made it pass my hand and is now halfway to my elbow?  And a minute hasn’t even passed yet.  Buy our shredder.

Man:  I’m back.  Now this is really easy to take apart, not that you’ll ever need to, but just incase.  Ok there we go.

Other Man:  Agh it’s all spraying out.

Man:  Give me your hand.  I’m putting “Power” glue in it.

Other Man:  “Power” glue?

Man:  Yeah I made it last night.  Works better than Krazy glue.  Power glue can be found in your local Walgreen’s in 2009.  

 

Ok so that was not so boring.  But it doesn’t beat an anvil pancaking the other Tom. 

Woman (I think):  The Hocos are Hot/Cold therapy pads.  The retail is $87, our price is $43.50, but for today it’s $35.91. A quality ceramic pad with a cover.  Various colors!

 

But all I see is Play-Doh shoved in plastic.

I bet I could create something to blow all these products out of business.  Actually it can be difficult to destroy a sensation that was never successful to begin with.

 

Me:  Got your own “Jerry”?  Could be a mouse, could be your neighbor’s annoying cat, could be your in-law.  Finally caught him, or her, and don’t know what to do?  Buy the Jerry-Killer.  Set includes: Stone axe, beeswax cream, shredder, Power glue.  And incase the glue doesn’t keep the little guy in the shredder, I’ll throw in a Hoco therapy pad free.  Connect the dots and you’ll catch the prey in no time.

 

Potentially Later on News: 

Vicki:  People all over the world are enjoying an exceptional product, the Jerry-Killer.  Some have nicknamed the product to JK.  Let’s go to Dennis.

Dennis:  Yes, we’re here at Safeway where people are spending hundreds of dollars on this gift that will last one day.  Here is Robby who recently purchased a Jerry-Killer.

Robby:  I wanted to get her something special.  Tonight is our ninth anniversary. 

Dennis:  Your wife?

Robby: Yup.  I can’t wait.

 

Dennis (now alone):  The Jerry-Killer is gradually making its way to being the top rated product.  And while you’re purchasing one of those, let me reach into my pocket and get this.  It’s a packet of a new kind of mayonnaise.  Buy it.