Don't Break My Balls

            by Abe Leiman

 

Q:    Can you die from being hit in the testicles?

 

A:  No. A direct blow to the testicles can certainly cause a lot of pain, often associated with nausea and sometimes vomiting. It can even cause the rupture of a testicle, which could result in permanent loss of that testicle. If you notice swelling, bruising, or pain or difficulty with urination or ejaculation after a blow to the testicles, it is important to see a doctor. While you may feel like you are dying, gefting kicked in the balls will not kill you.

 

Despite the impending physiological dangers of it, there is probably nothing more humorous than seeing someone, whether in real life or in film, getting struck in the testicles. Anyone with testicles can empathize with the excruciating pain and humiliation that comes along with this loathsome injury, yet it still seems to be possibly the most fertile grounds for comedy in the mass media over the past few decades. I have included this diagram for reference.

 

 

 

 

This is a sketch of the male genitalia. The male reproductive organ is essentially comprised of two parts: the penis, which is the long, thin, brown shaft on the right, next to the Venus Fly Trap, and the testicles, which hang down (bottom left). Now, from what I understand, the testicles are used to digest food and send enzymes to the pancreas, and the penis is excreted by the male on a daily basis. A new penis is grown when the male eats food, and the cycle continues.

 

Years of evolution have given the testicles but a primitive form of protection, a floppy fold of skin placed in front of the scrotum, or the “scrummy” as they call it in England. My understanding is also that this “skin flap” hardens when the testicles are in danger, but this particular defense mechanism can lead to a myriad of other problems. As I do not have a background in physiology or anatomy, my knowledge of this subject is limited, but I do know that protection of the testes has been a problem for man since the earliest dawns of civilization. However, I have digressed. What is most intriguing is that such an elusive and sensitive matter can provide endless laughs and good times.

 

When you see a man get hit in the balls, whether it be with a blunt object, baseball, or high-heeled shoe, it is more powerful than seeing other forms of minor in It does not just cause the typical reaction of a slight grimace and maybe a “that’s gonna sting in the morning.” Usually such a sight yields yelps, shouts, obscenities, crotch-grabbing, heavy wincing, facial contortion, extreme laughter, and, in some cases, chronic diarrhea. There is something sacred, almost taboo, about the safety of a man’s family jewels, and when that safety is violated, the results are hilarious.

 

            Testicular trauma has been implemented into the mass media as a comedic device for years. Some of our favorite family movies, including Home Alone (I, II, and III), Austin Powers (I, II, and III), and Devastating Blows To the Testes (I-X VII), show men getting slogged in the bollocks. Depicting gonad violence for entertainment purposes extends into other forms of media, including TV shows, plays, even political cartoons. Just think about it. Many of America’s most popular television shows have gained their claim to fame by showing people getting hit in the nuts. Take the popular television show America‘s Funniest Home Videos for example. First just look at the name:  America’s Funniest Home Videos. So we are to assume that out of all the videos that were sent in by our country’s finest, these are the funniest. They are targeted towards the average American with the average sense of humor. It is no coincidence that 60% of the videos on the show are of a man getting hit in his crotch by a foreign object. Other shows use this marketing technique as well, including South Park, Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (Takashi’s Castle), and Devastating Blows To The Testes: The T.V. Show. A personal favorite of mine is the epic parking-meter hop attempt (and failure) in the cult classic Half Baked.

 

‘Twas at the tender age of 10 that I learned the awe-inspiring power of getting hit in the knackers. My close friends and I were on a soccer team together. We always had a gay old time while out on that field. One day a teammate launched a ball high up in the air towards me. I held my eye on it, watching it as it arced down before me, like a beautiful woman in the doggystyle position. The ball came down, and only when it reached me was it that I realized I had miscalculated the speed of the ball. But it was too late! Gah! The ball struck my twig and berries with full force. Luckily my testicles hadn’t descended yet, so it was not full-contact, and the pain was minimal. Still, the shock sent me to the ground. I don’t recall even feeling very much pain; what I was more interested in was the sociological experiment at hand. I instantly began writhing in pain, seizing violently, to see the reactions of my comrades. They huddled around me, intent to see my condition. I told them I got hit right in the ostrich eggs. They all winced and murmured with mixed emotions, among them amusement. The kid who kicked the ball ran up to me, apologetic and ashamed at all the pain he thought he had caused me. I was then a man. I was treated with respect and the highest level of august, and that little bitch gave me his Capri Sun for the next two years.

 

There is no question, however, that getting hit in the balls is not a laughing matter. People getting hurt is really not something that we should be making light of So why have I seen so many laugh at this same thing, over and over again. Maybe it is just the phallic and testicular symbol, omnipresent throughout history, that is what makes this such an outrageous matter. Perhaps this mystical power of direct force with man’s balls suggests something about the deep psychological forces and anomalies of mankind. Is it not sick, twisted, and outright heinous to get a kick out of seeing your fellow man take an all out blow to the scrotum orbs? Is it not immoral to laugh cruelly at the sight of someone gettin’ the old one-two to the huevos? At this point, you may be questioning your very ethics and your most intrinsic of values. You are probably sitting there whimpering, “Oh God! I am a horrible person! Please, my Lord of Lords, forgive me for my sins. No longer shall I mock my neighbor and the pain I often see him endure when he is out on the lawn playing catch with his 4 year-old! Hallelujah, I am saved!”  Or maybe you are just sitting there chuckling to yourself about how silly religion is, I can tell not. However, no matter who you are, I bet you can’t watch the movie The Animal without at least cracking a smile at Rob Schneider and his wild antics.