A Night in the Slammer
by Judith Joy
New Year’s Eve is night of finality. The last night of the year, when at daybreak a person feels they can start anew. It’s a night when people come together to recapture their latest adventures; a night when everyone is more aware of the current state of affairs; a night of bonding, reflecting… and here they were spending time in the slammer. The only thing lamer would be myspace suddenly charging for membership…
Brad squinted his eyes, “Where am I?”
“Braadddd, you finally woke up. It’s the weirdest thing man, we’re in jail!”
Brad’s head was spinning, “We’re in jail? Maaaaan, why?”
“I’m pretty sure you passed out on the pavement on the way to the party, and then…well… one thing led to another and…let’s just say there was some urination on the pavement.”
“On the middle of Shattuck? Frank, are you stupid?”
“Na, I’m hella drunk!! That’s the problem with jail… there aren’t any bathrooms! And the guards are all too drunk to escort me, so… I kinda went over there too… watch out for that one.”
“Are you kidding me? Fuck, Frank, its New Year’s Eve! Get me out of here!”
“Hey asshole, shut up, we’re trying to watch the ball drop!” a short, stubby police officer trudged over to their jail cell with a beer can and a huge smile.
Frank sitting on the wet floor closed his eyes and flailed his hands, “WHOA! Officer Chipper, you said you’d tell me when it was midnight!”
“Oh yeah?” the officer said, mockingly, “Why? So you can have your ‘midnight kiss’ with your drunk friend?” And then there was kissing noises made by none other than the saviors of our time, the police force.
“…last year on midnight I had a long New Year’s Eve kiss…” Frank said, musing.
“Yea, Frank? Weren’t you at home with your mom last year?”
No response, Frank was passed out, face flat on the floor of urine. This was an awfully depressing site for a 43 year old man like Brad to behold on New Year’s Eve. He had just gone out that very morning for the big sale at Ross to get a ‘fit’ for the party that evening. Champagne and poppers was the only thing on his mind tonight, but now he had to face the new year drunk and in a jail cell with his drunken alike friend. This was one hell of a New Year’s for Brad.
After a long pause Frank gave a loud snort and came to his senses, “Brad! You know what we have to do!”
“Get out of jail?” Brad said, miserably.
“NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS!” Franks mouth dropped open as he annunciated “utions”. “Come on, Brad! It’ll be great, just like old times.”
“What old times? We just met.”
“You know,” Frank started, without catching Brad’s sarcasm, “me and my sister used to drink hot cocoa and sit by the fire and make up all sorts of crazy resolutions! It’ll be great!”
“But Frank, you don’t have a sister…”
“Andrew used to be an Andrea, I guess her resolution ‘to see what it’s like from a boys perspective’ worked out nicely for her,” Frank gave a blank stare, “Ok, so we going to or not? Let’s do it!”
Brad sighed, “Oh okay, we’re not doing anything else, why not.”
“I think… I’ll do a new thing everyday!” Frank said proudly.
Brad looked confused, “Like what? You start the year off in jail… check…”
Frank’s eyes wandered around, as if totally mesmerized by the jail cell, “I never ride bikes anymore, Brad, I could ride bikes! And then that’s two days… and then… I could…”
“You could have sex,” Officer Chipper was peering in the jail cell grinning from ear to ear.
“Hey, pal, we’re trying to have a conversation, do you mind?” Franks glorious gaze was turned off completely.
“Wait… how did you know??!” Brad stared at the police officer, astounded.
“Can we move on, please?” Frank said, “Brad… what’ll it be?”
“Well, Frank, truth be told, I just don’t believe in resolutions…”
Frank glared at Brad.
“I just don’t think there’s any that I, you know, need to make…”
Frank stared perplexedly, “Oh come on! I can think up a ton!”
“A ton? Ok, fine, what?”
“How about checking for ‘paper’ when you leave the bathroom? Or stop playing with toy boats while you’re taking your bubble bath…”
It was only a few weekends ago that Brad had gotten belligerently drunk at an office party, threw up in the girl’s restroom, and walked out with the toilet seat still stuck to the seat of his pants. The bubble baths were merely something Brad did on occasion after a long night like that one.
Brad’s eyes were now the ones lighting up, “Well at least I’ll keep my resolution… unlike some people!”
“What are you talking about, Brad? What haven’t I kept?”
“Well, I believe it was 2003 when you decided your New Year’s Resolution was to get your weight down to 190.”
“No! Wrong, it was 200,” Frank said, wildly.
“Well, no, in 2003 your resolution was to get it down to 190 and in 2004 it was to get it down to 200.”
“Fine. Ridicule me, bubble boy, see what I care.”
“There’s no need to ridicule! I think in 2005 I your resolution was good! Don’t you remember? It was…”
“‘To have a realistic attitude about my weight’” Frank sneered, “I’m not perfect, get over it, Brad, but at least I have goals! At least I don’t pass out in the middle of the street at 9pm on my way to my wife’s New Year’s Eve party!”
“Oh, well, at least I can hold my bladder! It’s your fault we’re even in here!”
After much deliberation the two decided it was indeed Frank’s fault for the night’s gloomy outcome. Not only did Frank urinate on the middle of the sidewalk at the wee hours of 9pm, but he also did so in front of a group of police officers, after mocking them for buying “low carb donuts”. Brad was not too impressed by his now former friend Frank, but he had no choice but to sit it out with him in the grown man’s prison. The police on the other hand, had other plans in mind. And soon, Brad and Frank’s night took a turn for the better…
“Ey, Chipper! The girls are here!”
Brad’s eyes widened as soon as the word “girls” left the officer’s lips. “Frank, Frank, wake up! Did you hear that? GIRLS!”
A cooing erupted in the jail from the police officers followed by the sound of cheesy disco beats as the ladies entered the premises.
“Did someone dial 911?” a sexy, but corny, voice rang throughout Frank and Brad’s cell, as they immediately jumped up to the bars to see the action. It looks like this night wasn’t a huge waste, after all.
“Boy’s please,” an officer appeared, “your wife’s will be here soon to pick you up… Let’s not be too hasty, now.”
“What!” Frank was outraged, “But, officer, this is so unfair! We do not deserve this! Just let us see a little!”
The officer shook his head.
“Please! I promise this will be the last request! I mean, think of it as our one call home, officer! Only, it’s our one peak at the girl’s!”
The officer smiled, “You boy’s would like that, huh? Don’t get much of that at home, I bet.”
“Oh, god no!” Brad chimed in, “I might as well be celibate the way my wife is…might as well be married to a man… might as well not have a…”
“Excuse me, Bradley, what was that?” a familiar, yet terrifyingly familiar, voice for Brad rang through the station.
“Hi, Honey! I was just telling the officer how lovely you were and… Happy New Year, Sweetie!”
“Oh goodness, Emma, would you take a look at our husbands?” Mrs. Bradley said, disapprovingly.
“Yes, dear,” Emma said, “No, we can’t have this tonight…Officer, would u do us a favor for New Years? Keep these boys another night or so… I wouldn’t want them roaming the streets.”
As the boys moaned and whined, their lovely wife’s strutted out of the station without them, and the officers shut the door and enjoyed their New Year’s. It was a happy New Year for everybody.