The Proposal

            by Tessaly Jen

 

            I can hear the engine shutting off, his seat belt clicking, and his keys jingling freely. I follow suit and undo my own seat belt. I hear him get out of the car and shut the door. I can sense him walking around to my side and reach instinctively for his hand as my door opens. It’s dark outside. I move my hand to adjust the blindfold and Jesse says, “Not yet. We’re almost there.” He leads me along, cautioning, “There’s a step up,” or “Don’t walk into this pole.” I grasp one of his hands in mine and let the other support my waist, gently guiding.

            The ground changes under the soles of my flip flops. It was hard and flat. Now it’s softer, there are occasional lumps. I think I can feel grass tickling the sides of my feet. I shiver as a light breeze blows over me. Jesse puts his arm around my shoulder. The ground starts to slope upward and I trip a little.

            “You didn’t warn me!” I exclaim in mock irritation.

            “Sorry,” he replies sheepishly.

            I squeeze his hand gently to tell him it’s alright.

 

            “Okay. We’re here.”

            Jesse lifts the blindfold gently and I rub my eyes with my fingers.

            I can’t believe he put so much effort into this. There’s a picnic table covered in rose petals, two candles glowing in the darkening twilight, and a picnic basket.

            “Wait.” Jesse leans over and pushes “play” on a small boom box. I immediately recognize the soundtrack from my favorite movie—“Garden State”.

            “Jesse, this is unbelievable.”

            “Just wait, I have another surprise for later.”

            I’m speechless. No one has ever done anything close to this romantic for me before.

            “Sit,” he offers, gesturing to the picnic bench. I comply and watch him as he pulls two wine glasses, a bottle of Merlot, and a pre-cut loaf of ciabatta bread out of the picnic basket. He pours the wine gracefully into the two glasses, then sits across from me.

            “So, you really like it?”

            “Jesse, I love it.”

            I take his strong tanned hand in my delicate pale one.

 

I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and
When we kiss they're perfectly aligned…

           

As the soft melodies of Iron and Wine wash over me, I rub my fingers along his, lingering unconsciously on his ring finger. Oh my God. He’s going to ask me to marry him! What’ll I say? Do I love him? Of course I do. But is he really the one? Would he really love me ‘til death do us part?

“Kate? Are you alright?”

“Huh, oh yeah, I’m wonderful. I’m just…marveling at how much you put into this night. It means a lot to me.”

“Well, it’s an important night. Three years together is a milestone. And I’d do anything for you, for us.”

Wow, three years. I remember when we met. It was during the winter break of my last year of high school.

 “This looks delicious,” I say, picking up my wine glass.

“To us,” he says, clinking glasses.

“To us,” I reply, feeling more grown up than ever. I imagine us as a married couple, celebrating anniversaries, throwing dinner parties, sending out Christmas cards. I remember the Christmas card I got from the Nelsons six months ago. Shelly Nelson had been my best friend in high school. The card had told me that she would be studying abroad in Spain for the second half of her junior year. We had made plans to travel around Europe the summer after our freshman year at college. Of course, that was before my mother was killed. I barely managed to graduate high school. Without Jesse’s support, I’m not sure I could have.

A part of me felt guilty relying on him to get me through my mother’s death—she had disapproved of our relationship so ardently. Her reproach was only strengthened by the fact that we’d agreed about almost every other matter before that.

I had been taken aback by her accusatory tone when she first met him. “Who is this boy? How old is he? He looks like he could be twice your age!” she’d exploded. I’d reasoned, “He’s only five years older than me! Dad was five years older than you!”

Later she asserted, “You’re going to Dartmouth. I’m not going to let some boy destroy your life.” I screamed at her, “He’s not just some boy! He’s a man. He’s my man. And it’s my life and my choice and I am going to stay in California.”

After that fight, I stormed away and ended up at Jesse’s apartment. He held me in his arms while I cried. No matter how much I wanted to stay with him, I knew I couldn’t escape the future my mother was forcing on me. When she sent in the deposit for Dartmouth, the decision would be made. But the deposit never made it and we never came to terms; she was killed a week after that argument.

The police found her body at the shores of the bay, but the water had washed away any traces of her murderer. The image of her body floating in the water at the bottom of the rocks of the marina haunted me for months. It made it even worse to not know who had killed her, and for a long time, the only place I felt safe was in Jesse’s arms.

 

“Are you ready for dessert?”

“Hmmm. I’d rather just lie here for a few more minutes.” The picnic blanket is soft on my skin, Jesse’s hands are running gently through my hair, and the sky is beautiful. The lights of the city are far enough away for us to see the stars clearly. It’s as if someone broke a diamond necklace and strewed its pieces across the black expanse. I imagine Jesse picking one out of the sky and placing it on my finger.

True, it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this
That catch my troubled head
When you're away, when I am missing you to death…

 

The music drifts lightly over us. I’m not sure why, maybe I’m just caught up in the moment, the beauty of it, but a tear rolls down my cheek.

Jesse shifts to face me. “I wish every moment could be like this. You know that I love you and that…that I’d do anything to be with you forever.”

I nod my head, letting my lips curve into a smile. Jesse wipes the tear away.

“I want to show you how much I love you, how committed I am,” he says softly.

This is it. I’m about to become his fiancée. I’m going to be Mrs. Jesse Finn. I’m going to have and hold him for the rest of my life. ‘Til death do us part.

“C’mon,” he says getting up and holding out a hand for me.

            He leads me back to the picnic table. My heartbeat catches in my throat as he reaches into the picnic basket. I can already sense his fingers slipping a silver band onto my fourth finger. I can almost see the diamond glistening in the starlight. But when his hand emerges, it’s holding the blindfold. God, I’m not sure how much longer I can wait.

            He immediately reads the look of disappointment on my face. “I promise it won’t be long, and you’ll be glad.”

            “Well alright, but only if you promise you won’t let me stumble again,” I say standing in front of him so he can tie the blindfold.

           

            As he guides me along, I wonder how he’ll say it. Will he just stop, get down on one knee, and ask, “Will you marry me?” That would be enough for me, but somehow I know he’ll drown me in romantic bliss first. Maybe he’ll lead me through a secret garden and silently pick roses so that the first thing I see when I open my eyes is a bouquet. Surely he’ll say something to melt my heart too, something about how he wants to wake up to the scent of my rose perfume every morning for the rest of his life. Whatever he does, I know I’ll say yes and float up to cloud nine in his arms.

They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll stay...

 

Jesse squeezes my waist to stop me. From behind he slips the blindfold off then sneaks his arms around my waist and rests his chin on my shoulder.

The view is beautiful. The red and white lights on the Bay Bridge cast a warm glow on the water and the far away lights of the city shine like the stars. All I can hear is the quiet rippling and splashing on the rocks below us. The only thing that lets me know I’m not dreaming, that this perfect moment is real, is the warmth of Jesse’s breath on my neck. I’m waiting for him to say something, to get down on one knee. I can feel my heart beating in my chest.

“Do you understand?” Jesse’s voice tremors through my body.

I’m not sure what to answer. Was that his proposal? Was I supposed to read his mind and catch the sentiment? I let out a quiet, “mmmhmmm.”

After a moment passes, he adds, “This is where I brought her.”

“Who?” I ask, not sure how a “her” is going to work into his proposal to me.

 “She looked like you, but she didn’t have your heart,” he adds contemplatively.

Who is this other woman? Am I not the first he’s proposed to here? I don’t understand why he’s telling me this.

“It was hard to do but I knew it was best for us.”

What is he—wait a minute, he knew it was “best for us”? Does that mean this other woman happened while we were together? How would seeing someone else be best for us? I can feel my palms getting sweaty. “Jesse, who are you talking about?” I try to sound calm.

“I didn’t want to lose you.” He’s still ignoring my questions.

Yeah, that makes sense. You’re scared you’ll lose me so you find a backup, just in case. The sound of the rippling water is starting to get on my nerves. And why is everything else so quiet?

“I didn’t see any other option.”

How could there be no other option? Why is he telling me all this? If he had just said “marry me” I would have said yes, unconditionally yes, but all this is making my head whirl.

“So you’re okay with this,” he says quietly, more as a statement than a question.

What am I supposed to say? Oh yeah, sure, I’m totally okay with you seeing another woman…because of course, it’s best for our relationship. That makes perfect sense.

A wave crashes on the rocks below us and interrupts my thoughts. For a moment, my mind is clear. I look down at the water. A moment of silence passes and then it dawns on me. Images flood my head. I know who the other woman is. I can see her long golden hair whipping around in the wind as she twirls me in circles. I can feel her soft hands wiping my tears away when I don’t get chosen for the eighth grade musical. I can hear her yelling that he’s taking my life away from me. I can see her body floating in the water.

The stillness of the night is suddenly chilling. I’m cold. I feel like the wind is going through my clothes, through my skin, freezing my blood. All I can hear are the waves, and each time one hits the shore I feel like it’s breaking my frozen body. Jesse’s arms feel constricting around my waist and his breath is too close to my face. I want him to let go, to let me fall and break.

They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll stay...

 

“Will you marry me?” I barely hear his voice.