Wars?  What?

            by Owen Hillis

 

Authors note: The beginning part of the memoir takes place over five days. Due to the timeframe and nature of schoolwork, in addition to the immense length that this memoir will be, I will need to summarize most of it. I will, however, eventually tell the story of all five days and add it to this memoir.

 

    Now it's safe to say I remember most of the academic stuff I've been taught, give or take a few entire semesters, but I haven't really learned that much from textbooks or courses. To explain that a bit better, there are many facts, rules, and definitions I've gotten from the classroom, but I think of learning as having an experience that teaches you something to increase the quality of your life. Of course that doesn't always mean really simple stuff like learning that gravity hurts if you jump out a window. Once as a kid, my mom was cooking me something, probably like a quesadilla, and I walked into the kitchen where she was and she warned me "Don't touch the pan, it's very hot." So I walked over and grabbed it. Although lessons like those are ridiculously useful, they aren't all I'm talking about. I consider even going to a party with your friends and having a good time as learning, because me, you, everyone; we're all always growing and changing. We change, even at an atomic level, with every experience we have and everyone we meet. Not with studying vectors though, God I hate vectors. It is my belief that there is no bad without good in this world. Everything brings a lesson to learn and something to offer, even if it's merely experience.

    The Red Team had to act quickly. In a mere minute and a half, the border would open and the enemy would begin their invasion. There wasn't time for mistakes. If everyone did everything perfectly, the team might just be able to hold out long enough for re-enforcements to arrive.

    I was fighting along side The Red Team as an engineer. I looked at the clock. I had thirty seconds to build a sentry gun. I didn't have time to review my training as I hopped through the window of a bunker. I grabbed a bag of supplies and got to work. My mind was clear. I quickly set up the base to mount the gun on. Ten seconds. Then, my heart sank and I fell beyond tears. I had somewhere lost a bolt. If I didn't get another bag of supplies before the enemy charged the bunker, I might be responsible for the death of every one of my friends. With no time to think logically, I scrambled to my feet and rummaged through the room. There had to be only about three seconds left.

"Hey, Owen" My teammate Small said to me.

"Hm?" I replied

"Do you wanna chill this weekend?"

    I find it amusing whenever Small says anything like "chill," because he doesn't use it like most people would. If Small says anything "hip," he says it in such a weird way that he deliberately makes it un-cool to say.

"Yeah!" I said

"K" He replied. "I might go see Corey this weekend, but you're welcome to come. She wants to get in a chat to discuss it later."

"Alright," I said, as I rolled a grenade into an enemy foxhole.

    Corey had been introduced to me through my friend Mink. Mink and I were very good friends because we had been the two leading characters in a very crappy play, so we ended up having a "watch the other's back" friendship. I thought it was a little strange that her friend was a girl named Corey, but it didn't really bother me. We were in a world where girls had boy names all the time... for some reason. Apparently that can actually be a girl's name too, though. Whoops.

    We would lightly chat but we never really hit it off. However, looking back on it, I can't remember a time when I wasn't distracted or doing something concurrently while we were talking. My friend Small on the other hand, had recently gone through a serious break-up. He had been in a relationship with this girl named Cow for... let's see... five years, Jesus. Anyways, she and I never got along for reasons that could be a memoir on its own. "Why I hated my best friend's Girlfriend." But she made him happy, so I figured "Hey! I don't have to date her!" She left him junior year for another guy. So small was feeling sorta crappy in the girl area of his social life. One day I get in a chatroom with Mink and Corey (ah the wonder of technology) and I figure since Mink has a friend there, I'll invite Small. After enough chatting, Small and Corey have hit it off enough to start talking to each other as friends. Over the weeks he got more and more attached to Corey. He definitely liked her, but every time I would give him advice our encouragement about it he would say something along the lines of "I really don't think she likes me like that." I guess he was right though because they went to hang out once with a bunch of her friends and he enjoyed their company but he said the experience only increased his beliefs.

Jump back to the present, though, Small and I are in the chatroom with Corey planning out that weekend. This was on a Thursday, by the way, in the summer. The plan was to have Small come over on Saturday, meet up with me, and then we'd go meet Corey. After that, the three of us would either spend the night at her house or my house. As it turned out, Corey and I actually lived within walking distance of each other.

"Really?" I asked "Would you want to hang out tomorrow?"

"Yeah!" She replied. Sweet. Of course, it really was my intention to just hang out. I wasn't about to try and threaten my amigo Small, though I don't know if he knew that.

"Three straight days of Owen?" Small asked nervously. "That's a lot of Hillis!"

If there was a way to exchange looks during awkward silences in a chatroom, Corey and I would have done it then.

Day One

The next day I was going to go meet her and Small messaged me.

"Don't party too hard!" He said, half-joking.

"Fool," I replied, "We just met, and I'm not about to try and pick up your girl."

"No, I'm just kidding. Listen, I really don't think she likes me, anyways."

"Not with that attitude she doesn't!"

"Well if she makes a move on you, go for it." Small said, ignoring my last comment.

"I'm going to hang out with a friend, Small. You're taking this too seriously."

And with that, I was off. I had seen Corey at a party once but had never talked to her in real life so I was wondering if I'd be able to recognize her. She knew what I looked like though, because shed frequently say to me "Hey, I saw you at lunch today but by the time I realized it was you, you were gone." Hm.

I got to the park where we were supposed to meet and waited. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Did she forget? I was about to go check on the other side of the park before a familiar girl with dyed, yet quite lovely, short black hair approached me.

"Hi!" Corey said.

"I overshot the park." I replied

"Huh?"

"On my way over here. I had to backtrack a block because I overshot it."

What? Why did that need to be said? All the same, though, she looked puzzled for only a moment before smiling at me. I smiled back and we started walking to my house. We spent the walk talking about whatever came up, or rather, whatever came into my head first when it looked like the conversation was quieting down.

After arriving at my house we went out onto a deck outside the third floor. From the deck you can climb over a railing and get onto my roof. My dad had warned before not to climb it, since it was fairly steep and a fall could be lethal. So we decided to go sit up there. It really is a very nice place to be. To the right you can see the city of San Francisco, which was rather gray due to Berkeley fog, but at night it was remarkable. Everywhere else, though, you got to see over rooftops to neighborhoods off in the distance. Being fairly high up though, there was a lot of wind and we were starting to get cold, so I brought up a blanket and we burrowed under it. I thought back to what Small had said. Not really "if she makes a move on you" but that he was giving me encouragement to try and connect with her. Around there my mind stepped in.

I like the way you just naturally assume that something is going to happen.

Well she seems like a very nice girl.

Hahaha, okay, sure, just don't get too ahead of yourself here. Remember, you just met her this afternoon.

Hah! Too ahead of myself! Get it? Cuz you're in my head?

What?

Never mind.

Anyways, naturally you have all the support I can give, just try and approach this realistically. You crazy dreamer.

I sat on the roof so that my arm went past her back. It wasn't around her, but I knew she could feel it. I quickly analyzed for any negative reactions. I don't think she minded. Somewhere in our time together, the conversation had changed from talking about our surroundings or mindless small-talk to talking about ourselves.

"Music is a really big part of my life," Corey explained "Actually, when I was a kid I had a Beatles birthday party"

"Hah! That's awesome! I think my singing-drive was a little stifled as a kid. I've actually been told I can sing really well, but my brother and I didn't get along back in the day, so he'd yell at me whenever I'd start."

"Ahh! That's awful! Especially because you're an actor. I'm a huge fan of musicals, myself."

"Oh, Cool! We should like, memorize a duet and sing it!"

That must have been something very good to say because she stopped talking and beamed at me, then looked away out over the city. As I would later learn, Corey had only found a few people in her life that she was able to share her joy of singing with. By the way, I wasn't kidding; music really was an immense part of her life.

We went out to dinner at this Italian restaurant. While leading us to our table, our waitress looked back at us and said with a warm smile "you two are such a cute couple!" I looked at Corey, who giggled. My eyes shot to the floor as my face turned a very bright red.

Corey ordered some vegetable pasta and I got lasagna. Over dinner chat I learned that she had a collection of silverware that she took from restaurants. I don't recall why exactly. I realize that sounds like a really weird thing but I thought it was funny. Anyways the meal continues pretty smoothly until she says to me "Do you want to try some?"

"Sure!" I respond.

She stabs a tortellini piece and reaches her fork across the table to me.

Whoa, wait, what?!

She's offering you it! Eat it!

Off her fork?!

Jesus, haven't you ever seen a romantic movie?

Well yeah but... that's a movie!

Well bro, you'd better do something quick.

Like what?

Now I'm no professional on the subject, but you should probably eat it. Sheesh, what's the big deal.

Guess it just caught me off guard.

Of course this entire conversation took place in a fraction of a second. I leaned forward and cautiously engulfed it, before awkwardly leaning back. Corey didn't seem to notice, though, because she gave me another smile. Hmm, or maybe she did notice.

Well done. Now you do it.

What?!

At the end of the meal the bill came. She pulled out her purse.

Tell her "Corey, put that money away! This dinner was my treat."

Okay.

"I have money."

[Smacks forehead]

[Smacks forehead]

"Thank you!" Corey said, very ladylike...ly... ish...mmf.

After dinner we decided we'd walk to her house. I met her parents and then she and I walked around her neighborhood and the park nearby her house. Throughout the whole day her cell phone had been going off.

"Who keeps calling you?" I asked

"It's this guy Parallel."

!

"He definitely likes me, but..." she trailed off

Hm

"You don't really like him back?" I suggested.

"Yeah, and plus he's kinda... creepy."

Heh.

Phew!

“I said to him that I haven’t been on a real date before,” she continued, “so he was like We’ll I’ll take you on one!”

I laughed, trying not to show her that I was slightly relieved.

“Anyways, I was like ... alright... because I didn’t want to be like Hell no! To his face. Also... I’m going to New York for a month in five days, so...”

...Aaahhh...

Hm. Well, hey, she’s really cool. There probably isn’t enough time to realistically consider getting into a relationship right now, as you only have five days, but at least we can be friends with her. Try and relax now and enjoy your time with her and Small tomorrow, cuz hey, now you don’t have to worry about impressing her or anything like that.

Yeah...

Of course hey, you can always plant seeds for when she gets back right?

Yeah.

For Christ’s sake, you just met her, get over yourself.

I spent the rest of the evening in the park with her, trying to follow my own advice and just have fun. Still, I couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed. Finally the bell tolled 11:14.

“We should probably head back so I don’t miss my B.A.R.T. train.” I said.

“Okay.” She replied.

We got to the station.

“K, guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said.

“Yeah... hey, nice meeting you.” She said, and gave me a hug.

That’s right...I did just meet her.

Don’t worry, tomorrow's going to be a blast.

 

 

 

 

Six weeks later.

Things are awesome! Corey's back from a trip to New York, I'm at an awesome summer intensive acting program, and Small is talking to me again! The world is my veggie-burger. So this one night on a Wednesday, I'm going to go over to Corey's house to hang out with one of her best friends Current and Current's boyfriend Flight. Flight and I had had a class together and he's actually really cool, it's just we hadn't really hung out with each other outside of class very much. Current and Corey were really good friends though, so at the party they would joke and laugh and play around with each other a lot. Flight and I would maybe make small talk every once in a while, but other than that we'd try our best to participate in whatever Corey and Current were doing. Naturally, Flight and I were kind of quiet. There was a little awkwardness now between Corey and I but it didn't bother me because I knew we'd either just talk about it later or I'd realize that it was insignificant. I just wanted her to have a good time with her friend; I would get to spend some time with her other days anyway. The night ended, we said our goodbyes and I went home.

The next day, Thursday, things are pretty normal while I wait for Corey to get back from working. That afternoon, around 4, she comes online. On a side note here, I do value and appreciate online communication very much, but I'll take a conversation in real life any day. I say hi and ask her about her day, and ask if I can see her that evening if she has some time. I had known for a while that Corey was kind of socially claustrophobic. Whenever she was overwhelmed by pressures or people, her response would be to distance herself from the world and be by herself until she had calmed down. She also loathed trying new things and had trouble facing a problem. Maybe I should get on with the story. Corey had been watching these kids until their parents got home. Apparently it had been hell that day and due to the clingy nature of little kids, they had kind of overwhelmed her. She said that she was feeling a little freaked out and just needed to calm down, but that she didn't feel like hanging out with anyone today. I could definitely understand that. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, but she said she just needed to be by herself for a while. I don't really believe its a good thing to isolate yourself and hope a problem will disappear or bottle itself up, but at the same time I understood that people just deal with problems in their own way. I did try and get her to talk about it a few more times though, just in case.

My mind, however, was not satisfied. If she's feeling really freaked out and uncomfortable, shouldn't you, as her boyfriend, be the one she can go to to express herself and feel better? Again, however, I accepted the fact that she just wanted to deal with the problem her way. She signed off, telling me she was going to "go be creative". This new confusion was added to the awkwardness between us from the night before, which still had not been resolved.

A couple hours later she signed on again and exclaimed "I healed myself!"

"That's great!" I said, and asked how.

"I went over to my friend/honorary brother Phil's house and we just rocked out on his electric guitar!"

Ouch. Now I was very grateful that she had someone like that whom she could go to and feel better. However, she had told me that she didn't want to hang out with anyone, and I couldn't stop myself from asking "shouldn't that person be me?" I asked her if I could see her the next day instead, but she told me that she already had plans to hang out with her friend Scape.

Saturday I had to go to my cousin's wedding for the majority of the day, but Corey had said that if she wasn't doing anything when I got back, we could see each other that evening. I was joyous and excited. Not just because my cousin was getting married, but because I would finally be able to deal with the tension between Corey and I. The 45 minute car ride home took two hours. I called her cell phone before I had changed out of my wedding clothes. Once she answered and we exchanged greetings I asked if we were going to meet up that night.

"Oh!" She replied, "Well Scape and I are fostering some newborn puppies. Do you want to come over till like 9:00 and meet them?" I kid you not. I didn't say anything right away.

"Is.. that okay?" She asked, sensing that something was wrong.

"Well... yeah" I said, "Isn't that a little short? Even in optimal conditions I'd only be able to get there around 8:30..."

"Oh, well, we can make it till like... 9:30..." she suggested.

"....Okay..." I replied.

Fortunately I was already partially prepared for going out and meeting people, since I had just come from a wedding, so preparation didn't take very long. I was pretty focused trying to leave as fast as possible, so I didn't have much time to be miserable. It was on the way there that my free thought got enough attention to voice its opinions. So for one thing, Scape was over. Didn't Corey and I plan out beforehand to try and meet tonight? Also, what the hell did she mean by implementing a half-hour time limit? And last of all... puppies? What the hell? The absurdity was last on my list of worries, though.

I didn't get there until 9. Scape answered the door. Until that point, Corey had made a point out of it to come greet me personally. As things turned out, she had invited Current over, too. The evening consisted of Corey and Scape trying furiously to fight off the awkwardness of the evening while Current and I sat in silence. The thing about this whole experience is that any one of these problems or weird situations wouldn't have been so bad. I could have dealt with them on their own. The problem was that this was every problem since that one night with Current and Flight stacked up on top of each other. I realized that I was going to need to talk to Corey about this. I couldn't wait until I had some time alone with her because it didn't seem like she was going to allow there to be any.

 

The next few days were fucking terrible.

 

Corey had completely broken off almost all contact with me. I had to text message her phone to ask if I could see her on Sunday. She said she would check if she had plans and get back to me. She then declined because she had "other plans," but that she would see me on Wednesday, the first day of school. She didn't say what the other plans were.

I talked to Small about the situation and he said that even if there was a perfectly logical explanation for every event that occurred and things were all just a big coincidence, that there was still a problem in the relationship simply because I shouldn't have to feel so miserable. Tuesday I had to use an extraordinarily unexpected amount of willpower to calmly word the text message "If you get any time, can I talk to you today?" She replied an hour later, saying only "No. I'm pretty busy."

Wednesday. I hadn't felt like shit the past week for nothing. Today I had all the support of my friends behind me. I was ready to destroy this mental plague. I managed to deal with the anxiety for an entire school day, which may not have given off a good first impression to my new teachers. After school I went to the park across the street where I was supposed to meet her. I thought she hadn't arrived yet until I saw her sitting under a tree. I approached her and asked her if things were okay. She replied with "no." and told me that she was breaking up with me. I don't remember walking home.

Mink would later tell me that one thing that had bothered Corey about me was that I would always tackle problems, worries, and doubts on my own rather than ask her for help. Quite a statement from the same person who severed all contact with me. The thing that bothers me the most about this ordeal is that it wasn't even like things were beyond repair. Throughout that whole time, if she had just taken one minute to deal with her problems, things could have been resolved.