G.I. BARBIE

            by Misha Gates

 

    Barbie and Ken walked  hand in hand along the sea by their Malibu Beach House(TM).  Barbie was a vision in her new sparkly pink one-piece bathing suit, with matching sunglasses and eye shadow.  Ken, the clean shaven guy he was, had on his Hawaiian print surfer shorts.  The sun dipped low in the sky, resembling a Hallmark card(TM).  It was the end of a perfect day for the perfect couple.  They walked back to the Malibu Beach House(TM) and up the back steps. 

            “Oh Ken, we’re so perfect together.  We’ll have a perfect life together always.”

            Ken looked down and scratched the back of his head.  “About that, Barbie...um...we can’t see each other anymore.”

            “Why Ken?  After forty-five years together, you just want to drop it?”

            “Yeah, I’ve met someone else.  In fact you know her.”

            “Who?”

            “Chelsea.  From My Scene(TM).”

            Barbie’s smile never left her face (because it couldn’t) but inside, she wanted to kill them both.  Betrayed by her BFF and her B/F!  I may be plastic, but I still have a plastic heart and soul.  Doesn’t he know that blondes have more fun?  That brunette witch!  Stealing my Kenny.  Barbie turned her back on Ken and slammed the door in his face, leaving him on the porch with a blank look on his face.  She gracefully walked across the foyer and up the steps to her bedroom.  The only thing she could think of was to put on her Princess Sparkle Nighty(TM) and go to bed.

            But she was restless, so she turned on her pink Barbie TV(TM).  Flipping through the channels, she saw a commercial that caught her eye.  It showed really fit men running obstacle courses and climbing up a huge rock.  It ended with a stiff military salute.  They look so patriotic.  And they’re so buff...buffer than Ken!  That’s the place for me: the U.S. Army! Barbie wrote down the phone number in her Barbie Notebook(TM) and happily went to sleep, dreaming of her new look as a G.I.

            The next day, she decided to go clothes shopping.  Everything she bought was red, white and blue.  By the time she got home, she had about a hundred packages.  Shopping was her salvation and her inspiration.  I’m all about the mall crawl,© she thought.  Now she had two important calls to make.  First, she dialed Ken on her Barbie Cell Phone(TM) that was connected to her hand with a strap.  Ken picked up on the second ring. 

            “Ken, I just wanted you to know that it’s okay for you to be with Chelsea.  She’s a slut and will always be jealous of me.  As long as she knows that I’m number one and she’s number...whatever...then I’m happy.  Oh, by the way, I’m joining the Army.”

            “Oh Barbie.  I’m heartbroken.  Well, good luck in the Army.  I hear it’s rockin’.”

            “Okay!  Bye.”

            Her second call was to the U.S. Army. 

            “Hello, I’m Barbie—no, no last name.  Just Barbie.  I just want to, like, join!”

            “Do you have any special talents or education?” asked the recruiting officer.

            “Well, I’m blonde and I have big boobs. That’s generally been enough.  What more do I need?  I can cook in my Barbie Kitchen(TM) and I’ve been a stewardess, a mermaid, a fairy, a scuba diver, a doctor, a veterinarian, a farmer, a gymnast, a princess, and a model.  Actually, that’s my real profession right now, but I’m looking for something more, like, meaningful.  And besides, I’m here for our country.  They need a Barbie right now.”

            The officer was impressed.  They scheduled a physical for that same afternoon.  Barbie wore her new red, white, and blue tank top, tight jeans, headband, earrings, and high heels.  She jumped in her Barbie Convertible(TM) and sped off towards the army base to meet Sgt. Bradley.  When she arrived, he took her to the medical ward for her examination. 

            “Let’s see, it says here that you weigh forty pounds and are 5'10" tall.  How is this possible?”

            “Good nutrition and plenty of exercise.  I go on my Barbie Exercise Machine(TM) everyday.  Basically, I don’t eat.”

                                                                “Okay, you’re in.”   

            “Oh, that’s great!  But do I have to wear those baggy, dull fatigues?  I look better in pink.  It brings out my eyes.”

            “Army regulations, Miss.  I’m sorry.”

            “Well, where am I going to wear all this crazy-cool stuff I bought?© ”

            He just shrugged his shoulders.

            Barbie left in a huff and raced off to her Malibu Beach House(TM).  She packed her Barbie Tote Bag(TM) and  her Barbie Sleeping Bag(TM).  She felt a stir of excitement as she pictured herself doing the obstacle courses and meeting boys.  She knew there was an element of danger, but she was willing to take it for the good of the country.  I can do this.  I can get over him and move on with my life.  Iraq, here I come!  She left a note for all her friends and the mailman on the front door.

            It said, “Everyone, I will not be home for a while because I have joined the Army and I will be having tons of sleep overs there.  My love, Barbie.”

            She was taught how to assemble a gun and do a hundred push-ups.   After a few weeks of basic training, she felt ready to do wear the fatigues with pride. Soon Barbie was being shipped to Iraq where she realized that there was no time for fun and tanning; she had to be alert and ready to shoot someone.  On the ship, she met many nice young men who were dazzled by her beauty.  Can you say ‘SASSY?’© , she thought.  She tugged her hair until it changed into a short flip in honor of her new career. 

            When she got off the ship, her first thought was Wow!  It’s like an enchanted world!©  Everything was bare.  You could sometimes see a dust ball going across the horizon.  She took a picture of the mosques and the street vendors with her Barbie Instamatic Camera(TM).  But she noticed that the people were not that warm and friendly.  Why don’t they like us? She also noticed that Iraq had a lot of skinny people, but they were all covered up.  They’re not showing any skin!  Don’t they have any fashion sense? I could teach them everything I know! Barbie was confused in her new surroundings.  She knew that the Army was there to help people, but she didn’t get how being there was supposed to help them.

            The first thing  she had to do was set up her gear in the barracks.  She placed her Barbie Make-Up Mirror in her own special corner.  This area is “Code Pink”, she thought. It was her sanctuary in the busy life of a G.I.  They had to wake up at dawn  and patrol the area in tanks and helicopters.  Sometimes they would get shot at and Barbie didn’t like that.  “Hey!  Why do you have to shoot at me?  Shoot at the guys!  Not me!  They’re the ones that are shooting at you!”  Barbie got no respect in Iraq.  The other soldiers treated her like a child.  They made her keep out of sight so she wouldn’t attract attention. 

            On her day off, she hopped into her Barbie Jeep(TM) and headed for town. 

She had packed her make-up bag, curling iron, and lots of other beauty products she wanted to share with the Iraqi women.  This will get me points with the locals, she thought.  Maybe they’ll stop shooting at me then.  She parked her jeep directly in front of Maja’s Beauty Shop.  Barbie got out her duffel bag of products and went in with her biggest smile. 

            Even though they spoke different languages, the women and Barbie got along perfectly.  She showed them how to curl their hair with the curling iron and how pink goes with everything.  They were about to do their nails when she spied a young boy lurking around her jeep. She decided to play it safe and move her car. She walked out into the hot desert air and said, “Hey, you!  That’s my jeep!  Get away from there!”

            The kid just smirked at her and ran away.  Barbie turned to her new found friends, waved, and said, “I’ll be right back.  Keep on curling.”

            Barbie put her key in the ignition and turned it.  BOOM!  Pieces of the jeep went flying! Then the whole thing burst into flames. Smoke filled the air as the jeep burned.  The smell of burning plastic filled the air.  Poor Barbie didn’t know what had hit her.  She tried to get out, but was stuck to the seat.  Her legs and chest were melting.  And worst of all, her hair extensions were frying. 

            She was immediately brought to an army hospital, whose doctors determined that her injuries were too severe to be treated there.  They flew her home to California to mold her back into shape.  She went to Dr.90210 to get her right boob back and to replace her hair extensions. She was in so much pain that she had to be on vicodin constantly.  She didn’t feel beautiful anymore.  Scars covered her legs, stomach, and arms.  Luckily her face was spared from the destruction.  Good thing my face isn’t ruined, she thought.  But her smile was gone.  For once, Barbie didn’t look like Barbie.

            After the surgery, she slowly regained her Barbie-ness.  Months of physical therapy helped her get the feeling back in her legs.  Everyone at the hospital loved Barbie.  They all signed her Barbie Autograph Book(TM).  Her main comfort was when her little sister, Skipper, came to visit her.  They would chat, laugh, and cry together.  Skipper told her about Ken and What’s Her Face.  It turned out that he and Chelsea had broken up and now he was with Todd.

            “I knew it!  He looked too good to be straight!”  exclaimed Barbie.  “He uses more hair products than me!  Now that’s saying something!” She realized then, that she was so over Ken.

            After two months in the hospital, Barbie went back to her Malibu Beach House(TM).  She was a new Barbie with a new outlook on life.  It was hard, but she had learned some valuable lessons:

            1.  She couldn’t trust a boy with her car.

            2.  The U.S. Army is very rude and not nice to girls.

            3.  War is a stupid thing. 

            When she looked back on her experience, she remembered how the Iraqi women were so nice to her.  Beauty speaks a common language, she thought.  If all the women in the world could just do their nails together, what a peaceful world it would be.

            Barbie was soon tired of hibernating in her beach house.  It was time to go out into the world, or at least to the mall.  She drove to Hollywood Mall and thought, I could shop like a maniac here!©   The world needed Barbie, and Barbie needed the world.  They were a perfect match.  

©   To find more quotes from Barbie and her friends, like the ones in this story, visit these web pages: http://barbie.everythinggirl.com/activities/fun_games/ and http://myscene.everythinggirl.com/games/games.aspx