The Monster Mom Blues

            by Ian Flanagan

 

            “No, Rodney, the sand is for playing in, not eating.”

            “No, Rodney, you’ve watched enough tv.”

            “No, Rodney, you can have ice-cream after dinner.”

            “ No, Rodney, you have to brush your teeth first.”

            “No, Rodney, you’ve already brushed your teeth.”

            That’s Rodney’s mom. She never lets him do anything he wants to do. One time Rodney got wise and asked, “Mom, what can I do?”

            But she had an answer for that one too. “You can eat your vitamins,” she said. Rodney hated eating his vitamins.

Rodney hated brushing his teeth. Rodney hated bedtimes. Rodney hated his stupid pink pajamas. Rodney hated his toys. Rodney hated eating peas and carrots.

Rodney wanted to eat ice-cream whenever he wanted. Rodney wanted to stay up all night long. Rodney wanted BB-guns, and video games, and books about war planes.

Rodney had a bad case of the Monster Mom Blues.

After Rodney was tucked in bed, and his mom had turned off the lights, Rodney would watch his closet door hoping a monster would come out. No matter how ugly this monster was, or where it took him, at least he wouldn’t be with his mom. Rodney was desperate, and every night he would watch the door with more and more hope. But the monster never came.

Then, one night, after eating his peas and carrots, brushing his teeth, and putting on his hated pajamas, Rodney was tucked once more into bed and the lights turned off. Again he watched the closet door, but nothing came. Rodney was getting very tired; the monster had never come. Why would it come tonight? And just like that Rodney gave up on ever escaping his monster of a mom.

But later that very night, a noise woke Rodney up. “Hee-uuup.” He listened very closly. “Hee-uuup.” It was coming from the closet; he was sure of it. Rodney got excited, but he was also kind of scared. Other than his mom he’d never seen a real monster before. The door started to open. “Hee-uuup.” A shadowy figure emerged from the closet. It was too dark for Rodney to see the beast clearly, but he could hear it breathing. Then it spoke.

 

 

“Excuse me, good sir – hee-uuup – but I seem – hee-uuup – to have gone and gotten myself the huffalugs – hee-uuup.”

Rodney was more excited than he’d ever been, a real monster. A real monster was in his room. A real monster was talking to him. This real monster could take him away from his mom!

“Sir, the huffalugs – hee-uuup - I seem to have gotten – hee-uuup – a rather bad case of them.”

Rodney was confused. he’d never heard of a case of the huffalugs.

“Mr. Monster, I wish I could help, but I don’t know what a huffalug is,” Rodney said.

“You don’t? - hee-uuup – well, this makes for quite - hee-uuup – a situation. You see - hee-uuup – I can’t talk right, because I keep - hee-uuup - making these noises.”

“Ooh, the hiccups, I get those all the time.”

“Really? hee-uuup – All the time? You get the huffalugs - hee-uuup – all the time, and you’re still alive?”

“Sure, when I get the hiccups my mom makes me drink a big glass of water. Then, after I drink it, they’re gone.”

 

 

Rodney ran and got the monster a big glass of water. The monster drank the whole thing in one gulp. Then they both waited. Not a sound, maybe the monster had lost his hiccups.

“BURRRRP.” The monster let out a horrendous burp. “My goodness,” said the monster. “What an amazing remedy. Thank you ever so much. Now, down to business. Do you know why I’m here, Rodney?”

“My mom-trouble problem?” asked Rodney hopefully.

“Precisely. I picked up your signal on my monster-mom-o-graph.”

“Well, what happens now?” Rodney wasn’t scared of this monster, but he also knew that monsters have a serious reputation for trickery.

“Now,” said the monster. “I take you to the Monster Mom and Mom Trouble Blues headquarters. There you’ll be able to do whatever you want, with no mom telling you to eat your peas or to brush your teeth.”

This sounded just wonderful to Rodney. He would be able to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. He’d be free from his mom.

“Alright, I’ll go,” said Rodney excitedly. “What do I have to do?”

“Nothing much, sing a little song, do a little dance, and uh, sign this contract.”

“A contract?” asked Rodney.

The monster pulled a large piece of paper from behind his back. It was nearly six feet long. Writing covered the entire thing, front and back. On the bottom was a little line with an x, where Rodney was supposed to sign.

“What happens after I sign?” asked Rodney.

“You’ll go to the headquarters; you’ll be free from your mother. You’ll be able to do whatever you want.” The monster smiled. The smile was almost too big for his face.

Rodney started to think something was fishy about this monster. Why should Rodney have to sign something? What if Rodney wanted to come back? What if he actually started to miss his mom? “Look Rodney, don’t you want to be free of your mother?”

 

 

Rodney needed a moment to think. He sat down on the bed and thought. And thought. And thought. Rodney thought for so long that when he looked back up the monster was asleep and there was light coming in from his window.

“Hey, Mr. Monster. I’ll sign your paper,” said Rodney. The monster woke up with a jolt.

“Oh, that’s just fabulous,” the monster said sleepily. He pulled out a pen and gave it to Rodney. Rodney wrote his name just like he was taught by Mrs. Albert at school. Then the monster thanked him, rolled up the paper, and ate it. All of a sudden Rodney wasn’t in his room any more. He was in the Monster Mom Headquarters, just like the monster said he would be.

There were boys and girls everywhere. There was ice-cream, and toy plains, and TV, and video games, everything Rodney wanted. Rodney bounded around admiring all the beautiful toys. He fought life size robots and ate chocolate candy bars. Rodney had never been so happy.

But after a while, Rodney started to get a weird feeling. He soon realized that all the boys and girls around him were not happy and playful like Rodney. In fact, they just sat and moped.

 

 

Rodney walked up to the nearest kid, a boy his age. “Hello, my name is Rodney. Would you like to play with these laser guns?” But the boy just turned his head away and said nothing. “How rude,” thought Rodney.

Then there was a tug on Rodney’s shirt. He turned around and there was little boy, the littlest boy in the whole Monster Mom and Mom Trouble Blues headquarters.

“Can you please give me a class of water?” said the little boy.

“Can’t you get yourself a glass of water?”

“No, sir, I’m too small to reach the cups.”

“A monster won’t help you?” Rodney was saddened by the little boy.

“No, the monsters just ignore us. They give us all these toys, but if we need help or even some attention, they don’t care.”

“That’s horrible.” Rodney was angry now. He walked over to the cups and filled one for the little boy. Then he told him to stay right there, and marched off through a door marked Monsters Only. He walked for some time before he found the monster from his room.

 

 

“Hey, monster! Hey, you, you from my room! There’s a little boy that wanted a glass for days, and he never got one.”

“Not my business, man. I just bring you brats here. Look kid, you have everything you need out there. Toys, TV, goodies. Please, leave me alone now.”

“What if I want food? Or scrape my knee? My mom always used to fix those things for me. I kind of thought that the monsters would do that for me.”

“Well, we don’t. All we do is get you free of your mom and give you toys. That’s it, just what you wanted.”

Rodney was really angry now. He stormed away from the monster. When he was back in the kids’ area, he gathered all the children around him. He started to tell them what he had found out, but they informed him that they already knew. Rodney devised a plan. These toys weren’t just toys, but also tools. There were hammers, and pellet guns, and go-carts, everything they needed. Rodney and the others were going to take the monsters by force. And after they’d taken over, they were going to make the monsters return them to there houses, mothers and all.

 

 

But, just as Rodney climbed into his go-cart, he woke up. He was back in his room. It was early morning, his lights were on. Rodney looked at his doorway. His mother was standing in it.

“Alright Rodney, time to get up. Come on lazy bones, up and at em’. Brush your teeth and be downstairs in five minutes for your health food breakfast, and remember no cartoons.”

Rodney was up in no time. He brushed his teeth, ate his broccoli breakfast, without TV, all with a smile on his face. And as Rodney walked out of the door for school, with a lunch he was sure had no goodies in it, he gave his mom a kiss on the cheek.