4 lawsÉ well maybe 5É or 6

            by Glenn Davy

 

            I was a very beige (as in the color) kid. Both in personality, and looking back, probably also in how I would appear to people. I was the type of kid who was completely unnoticeable, unless I specifically wanted to be noticed. It is that fact that combined with my interest in electronics probably led to my affinity towards theatre lighting.

            I had always liked theatre and movies and the like, but I had intense stage fright (the debilitating kind). So when I first found out about technical theatre I was intrigued. As I started to do backstage work I found that my ability to blend in was quite an asset.

            I was first introduced to Tech (techie speak for technical theatre) by my friend in middle school named Jeremy, a stumpy fat kid, with a personality like a possum (play dead or kick your ass). I was watching a performance by some of the people from the school and at the end Jeremy was dragged on stage, and given a special thanks.

            That Monday back at school I asked Jeremy what he had done to deserve the thanks. "I rigged make shift faders," he said, as if I should know what that means.

            "Faders?" I asked.

            "Ya, we only had light switches that went on and off. So I messed with the wiring and made them into faders."

            At that time all I did was say, "sounds dangerous, cool," and went back to work fixing the computer that I was working on, but at the back of my mind that stuff stuck (probably because it was glamorous but low key; or maybe because it involved bright shiny things).

 

            It was a year later when I first got to try out working on tech crew. The School had been able to rent Live Oak Theatre, as opposed to the theatre with the light switches, so Jeremy asked if I would like to help him with light on the performances. I said yes, but it was still a few weeks 'til we even got to rehearse in the theatre.

            In the meantime Jeremy and I watched the runthrough that would happen in the main room of the school. While watching we would take notes on the cues that might be important for lighting, and also discussed coloring and light placement. For most people that probably sounds horribly boring, but for Jeremy and me it was great. For the first time I was really interested in something (I mean really interested, not like Pokemon cards, were I spent a few hundred dollars on them then forgot about them).

            It wasn't all fun and games, sometimes we got in fights with each other, or with the head of the school, Smith, a fifty year old ex-wannabe hippie (who also gave off the vibe of a pedophile). When we fought though, it was fun in its own right. Fights with Smith were not as fun at the time, but afterwards when we looked back on them, they seemed hilarious (mostly because he looks stupid when he is angry).

            The day that we were going to the theatre for the first time it was raining, and because our school was small, and not far from the theatre, the staff decided that the students could walk to the theatre (at the time the staff was made up of three people, and only Smith had a car). The tech people had to be there before the normal actors that day. So we had to leave earlier than the actors. Me and Jeremy, the light people, and Chris and Henry, the sound people, had to run to the theatre in the rain.  I think that that was one of the better parts of the day. We decided that it would be a race, and so we ran the whole way there, and were pushing each other into walls and other obstacles. I remember that I got punched (yes punched not pushed) into three walls, a pole, and got thrown over a low fence onto a lawn, which was mostly mud by that point.

            When we finally got there, we were drenched from head to toe, and were all rubbing the various injuries that we had obtained. As we shuffled in through the double doors at the front of the theatre, Jenny (the director - think Hannibal, but a woman) chastised us. Then we entered the actual theatre, I remember thinking two things. That is the biggest stage I have ever seen. And, What is that guy doing on top of that huge ass ladder?

            The man on the ladder was a sibling of one of the students from the school, but what made me really interested was that he was majoring in technical theatre. I had not known that you could even do that. We were all told to sit down for a couple of minutes while the man finished hanging the lights. So we sat down, and a few minutes later he came down and introduced himself as Hank.

            Hank gave us a basic tour of the theatre, and then took us to the Tech box on the second level; it was built into a balcony that overhung the theatre. First he showed us the light board, at the time I thought it was huge, (12 faders) I now know better (huge = 32+ Faders). "This is the lighting box," he said. "Who is going to be working in here?" Jeremy and I raised our hands. He then proceeded to give us a breakdown of what we needed to know. "This," he pointed at the board, "is the light board, in the closet is the spotlight and the gels. I have just finished hanging the lights; you're on your own."

            At the time I was kind of pissed, I mean, I had no idea how to work the lights, and even the 12-fader board looked intimidating (and it didn't have a computer screen like the ones at Berkeley High). He proceeded to give Chris and Henry a rundown of the sound system, and then he left. Since the actors weren't there yet we put on some music, Gorillaz Clint Eastwood, and Jeremy and me went about trying to get the lights working (And doing what we called the evil imp from hell slow dance). First we set up the spot light, which turned out to be almost new, and hooked it up to the power socket. For the next hour after that Jeremy and me did two things. Fought over who got to use the board at any given time, and messed with every possible switch trying to figure out what everything did (we didn't learn anything).

            We encountered our first major problem when the actors showed up. I was talking to Jeremy about the spotlight when Ahlea (she was taller than me, and she scared me), a girl in our grade showed up in the booth. "Ahlea, all the actors are supposed to meet on the stage," I said.

            "Well, I am also doing Tech so I need to be up here," she replied. I was speechless, so Jeremy was the one to correct her.

            "No you aren't, you didn't help us at all in figuring out script cues back at school, and you didn't come with the rest of the tech crew in the rain. You can't work tech."

            Ahlea's face then went red and swelled up like a puffer fish, which it always did when she was angry.  " I want to work on tech." She was starting to sound like a baby who was about to throw a fit.

            "Sorry Ahlea, but no." I said. After that she stalked off, but I knew better than to think that it was over. Sure enough a few minutes later Ahlea showed up again, this time with Smith.

"Glenn, Jeremy. Why aren't you letting Ahlea work tech?" he asked in the odd high-pitched whine that was his angry voice (it sounded like tires screeching on pavement).

            "Because she hasn't helped us to date with anything, and she didn't come with us to the tech tutorial." Chris and Henry were staying out of it, they didn't have to worry about it, Ahlea didn't want to work on the soundboard.

            "Glenn, that is a feeble excuse, Ahlea tells me that she had to practice her lines and that why she hasn't helped you before," replied Smith.

            This time Jeremy talked. " Every time I saw her earlier she has been sitting there doing nothing.  And there are only two acts, we don't need three people, it will be too crowded." Jeremy was right (like that mattered at all), and both Ahlea and Smith knew it. So Ahlea started to sniffle as though she was about to cry, and Smith immediately took her side.

            "Look just come to a compromise, and let Ahlea do a quarter of the performance." Smith walked away, and Ahlea smiled, she had won.

            Because of that I ended up getting short-changed. Jeremy got to work board the whole first half cause he had seniority (he had worked tech longer than I), I got to work the spotlight and do board the first quarter of the second half. Ahlea got the last quarter of the show.

            For the next few hours Tech crew didn't do much; the actors wanted to rehearse without having to deal with lighting problems (in addition to their problems memorizing their lines). So we got to sit around, and bitch about how we now had to share the board with Ahlea. Finally it was lunch; I went out with Henry to get food. So Henry and me went to the Longs Drugs that was nearby, and inside Henry saw that they had juju bees, a type of candy made out of sugar, plastic, and food coloring. Between us we got 10 large boxes of them for lunch. We later regretted that, because every one started to steal our Juju Bees. At one point one of the boxes broke open and spilled hundreds of Juju Bees all over the Tech box.

            The next day was the last tech day before the performance. We techies had decided that we should all bring in some food; the only problem was that we all defined food as all you can eat soda and chips. We ended up with so many that we were able to have enough that we could eat them during performances.

            But that food led to us getting yelled at for no reason (I shouldn't blame the food, but I don't want to blame myself). That day we decided that we did not need to go out for food, but the actors did. At the end of the lunch break when Jenny got back there were no actors. 

            The only warning sign was the sound of boots hammering on concrete. "Where are the actors!" she yelled.

            After a second of shock I answered. "They went out to lunch."

            "I can see that! What I want to know is why they aren't here like they are supposed to be."

            "I heard them mention something about the Cheeseboard," put in Jeremy.

            "Why in god's name would they go there?"

            "How the hell should we know?" I asked (I actually thought that it was because they liked exotic pizza flavors). I immediately regretted saying anything, knowing that I was about to be on the receiving end of the equivalent of being impaled on a pike, but it never came. Jenny just stormed off. When the actors got back they also got yelled at, but we were there to laugh at them.

            The run-throughs of the performance went well, and we were feeling really good about the production. And that of course should have made us realize that the whole thing was going to go to shit in the actual performance (even rats can see patterns like that; apparently we were stupider than rats).

            All people, both techie and actor, were required to get to the theatre two hours before the actual performance. Everyone got there on time, we got the stage ready, and every thing was going well.

            Five minutes before the show started the second of the two headsets died. So all of the techie congregated around the stool back stage where the headset sat (we looked like a group of neurosurgeons). " So what is wrong with it?"

            "How the hell should I know?"

            "I say we hit it."

            "Did you check the batteries?"

            "Don't hit it, that will just make things worse."

            "Brand new, I got them from the box."

            "Hit it with the hammer."

            "Idiot, there are no working batteries in the tech box."

            "Maybe it is because the batteries aren't covered?"

            "I'll get new batteries."

            "HIT IT WITH THE GOD DAMN HAMMER!"

            "Shut up idiot."

            "Here."

            Someone had gotten back with the batteries, and after replacing the batteries, we covered the opening with duct tape. Then someone kicked the stool sending the head set flying into a wall. We all took a quick look at each other and then tried it, and it worked (first law of Tech: anything can be fixed by changing the batteries, covering it with duct tape, or in most cases, beating it with a blunt object).

            Looking back that minor technical problem was a good thing, it got us ready for what would come next. It was intermission and all of the real techies were backstage drinking soda that we had pilfered from the stuff that would be sold (second law of Tech: if you are a techie no one will complain if you steal food or drinks that will be sold, especially if you are not being paid). Then we heard the volume of the intermission music change. We all knew what was happening, and what it would lead to... so we of course futilely attempted to stop it. Two things happened, first Henry dived for the head set so that he could try to stop Ahlea from turning up the volume, the rest of us, (Jeremy, Chris, Luke, a few actors, and I) ran to the tech box hoping to be in time.

            None of us were in time, we heard the spike in volume, followed by silence, followed by a string of curses, followed by banging as the tech box door was thrown wide. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" I yelled.

            "I was just turning up the volume on the music, I didn't do anything wrong." Ahlea said.

            "OK. I am going to explain this in very simple terms so that you can understand. You... are... a... fucking... IDIOT!" I yelled the last word. Chris followed up with the technical explanation.

            "You turned up the volume, and made the speakers go, " he paused, "BOOM."

            Before she could do anything we had kicked her out of the tech box, and once again congregated to try to figure out what to do. "Has anyone dealt with anything like this before?" (Unofficial law of tech: slap unofficial techies if they touch anything.)

            "No."

            "Shit, now the school is going to be sued."

            "No, they will just use us as scapegoats." (Third law of tech: Techies are always the scapegoats.)

            "So what do we do?"

            "OK," Henry said, "here is what we do. Chris, you come with me to check on the actual speakers. Jeremy there should be a breaker box back stage, make sure all of them are on. Glenn, you stay up here and work the soundboard... And also make sure that SHE doesn't come back."

            After that all of the techies went about their jobs, and for almost an hour we were running around like chickens with their heads cut off (we were also about as effective as the chickens would have been). By the time we were getting close to fixing it I had learned the reason for the fourth law (fourth law of Tech: Always carry a Maglite, with a rating of four D cells or higher, at all times, for your own safety). Both groups of parents and actors were swarming techies, but that ended up to be a blessing, we ended up getting help from a sound expert who happened to be in the crowd.

            By the end of the performance I had enough adrenaline in my system that I wouldn't sleep for five days (well, not really but I was completely running on adrenaline). At that point I decided that being a techie was something that I could do for life. At this point the rest of the Techies were drunk and told me the real goal of techies, which doubles as the fifth law of Techies (we are lazy and thought that we should have a nice round five laws).

            THE FIFTH LAW OF TECHIES: to never be blamed for any major mishap and to retire without inadvertently causing the complete collapse of the theatre industry.