Stupidity theory: a study of teenage male thought processes.
Or
our monument to stupidity for the sake of hard work, and hard work for the sake of stupidity.
by Glenn Davy
“Holy Fuck,” I said staring at the fly.
“ What is it?” asked Bob.
“Look at this fly... it impaled itself on the bush thing.”
“Damn... what ev.” Bob started to walk away down the trail of the sand dunes. As I ran to catch up to him I contemplated the series of events that had led to us having to wander aimlessly through the sand dunes.
“How long have you two been sitting there playing video games?”
“Five days,” I answered.
“Get out of the house, Now!” Generally when Your mother says something it is common place to ignore it, However when the mom is covered in blood and holding a giant meat cleaver, saying anything is like beating Hitler in the head with a rabid badger...NO GOOD CAN COME FROM IT.
Now the general thing about the beach is that boys would want to be outside ogling hot women in their bikinis. But when the temperature is in the high 50's you won't see much of that around. So we decided to walk around in the dunes, mostly we were hoping to find hobo gold, and yes hobos did live in these sand dunes, and when I say Hobo gold I mean Flammable shit, you know newspaper, sleeping bags, Hobos.
But that day we were destined for greater things, these greater things came in the form of a large wooden board, and a barbed wire fence. When we first saw the fence it was like the Mexico American border and we were on the American side. On the other side was what we called red neck village. Most of the year red neck village was empty but during the summer and of the red necks would converge on this area for three reasons. Drinking ( to clear their minds), Shooting shit (to impress the women), And Procreating (for the love of god don't make me elaborate).
But back to the fence, this fence consisted of 70 year old concrete, barbed wire, and iron bar that were used to brace . The part that interested us was the completely rusted metal Bars. “ Damn.. look at that its completely rusted, wanna break it?”
“Sure.” Then in a movement that can only be described as COOL AS FUCK I swung the wooden board around, which proceeded to hit the, and bounce back right into my face, I proceeded to fall on the ground writhing in pain, and Bob fell on the ground laughing at me, after a few second I was able to get up and saw that the Iron pole was still completely intact.
“Dang! it didn't break.”
“Wow even inanimate objects can beat you up.”
“shut up you girly Castrata!*.”
“Hey! How many time do I have to tell you! I am a counter tenor, not a castrata.”
“Theres no difference! You still sound like a castrated choir boy who has just been kicked in the nards!”
“Well at least I'm not A pussy Like you Frenchies.”
“ I'm not french you tall Russian Hitler bastard, why don't you go commit some genocide.”
“ Well maybe I will commit some Genocide on your ASS!”
There was a sudden pause Then the perfect retort came to me. “Yo mama in bed last night.”
“damn.”
“HAHA I win.”
“Yeah well I can do this!” And suddenly clouds blacked out the sun Four horse men road across the sky and I am Bullshitting you, all that happened was that Bob Did a reverse Quardruplex roundhouse Drop kick, which missed and broke the concrete piller shattering it into Dust. That is only slightly less bull shit, but the iron pole was in fact intact and detached from the concrete.
“Now what?”
“Don't know...” As I looked around I came up with an idea. “ How about we drag it up to the Top of ... The Hill...” I said in a menacing voice.
“Fine, And I bet you That I can do it all by myself.”
“Oh really?”
“Yeah, I mean it is only a quarter mile to the hill and the actual hill cant be more than a hundred feet high, and this bar can't way more than 40 pounds.”
“OK. What are we betting?”
“The loser has to be the winners slave for 24 hours.”
Silence rained for nearly 10 second ( that may seem like a short period, but getting retarded hormonal Teenage male to shut up for that long is a blessing from God)
“I'm sorry Bob but I am not like that.”
*smack*
“OW GOD DAMN!”
*Whap*
“I kill you.”
*zwonk*
We were both on the ground struggling for dominance.
*smack*
*thwap*
*zigibogido*
Suddenly the world stopped as a new presence drew our attention. It was the most beautiful site ever. It was a nude woman riding in a clam that was being driven by two pure white pegasi, and then she turned towards us and her beauty was too much, we wanted to stab our eyes out. Then she started waving her arms wildly and yelled “I am the Obligatory Nude woman, Obey my Bunny!” And the three headed watch bunny of hell was charging at us his green eyes swirling in spirals of death and then...
“oi Wake up lil princess, you be havin one ass monkey of a dream.” said a strange voice.
“ Who are you?”
“I am your spirit guide, I had to stop you two before you killed each other so I shot you with some trank darts. Now you can finish your divine task.” I could now make out his Irish accent.
“ So our spirit Guide is an Irish guy? And where is my friend?” I couldn't see Bob anywhere inside the room.
“No. Your spirit guide is a drunken Irish ex-priest Named Finnegan. Your friends guide is a lighter that he found on the ground that he named Ivan the smacked” he said
“Ex?” I asked.
“Yeah..” He scratched the back of his neck. “We bin havin some... Layoffs Because of some negative P.R. You see I kinda got drunk during communion and ended up... exposing my self to the congregation... then attempting to skewer the pope on a cross... Thats how I ended up living in an R.V. In the middle of nowhere.”
“...OH... I'm out.” and I was off towrds the door like A German who had just caught a whiff of bratwurst. But unfortunately two things happened next 1. The R.V. Was elevated a few feet off of the ground to stabilize it and 2. Bob was just coming up to the R.V. To rescue me. The end result was a very un graceful diving head butt to his face.
Unfortunately for me, years of smashing his head into every random surface possible had given him a near impervious head. And of course I once again Ended up on the ground in pain.
“Hi Glenn, you Ok? I had to head butt you got get you to snap out of it, you must of really been having a bad trip.”
“...I was... Dreaming... Thank God... Their was this crazy Irish Guy saying that We were on a Divine quest... and... whats that in your hand?”
In one arm was the pole of iron, but in his other hand was something that Made My skin crawl.
“What? This?” He pointed at his Hand and I nodded. “Oh this is just My spirit guide, I named Him Ivan cause he is so small.”
“...Did you happen to encounter an Irish priest?” asked Glenn.
“ A drunk one ranting like the mad prophet from the alley behind quiznos?” said Bob.
“shnit thats the one... Did he happen to say anything about a divine quest?”
“Yeah, he said that we should drag this up to the top of the hill.”
“OK... let me get this straight... we are spending our valuable time on a “Divine mission” giving to us by a drunk Irish Ex-priest...And all of this has happened because I had an indecent dream about a nude lady on a clam!”
“well... that isn't quite right... you see the vision was a side effect of Finnegan knocking us out with some funky drug.”
“I hate you, I hate this beach, I HATE GOING OUTSIDE... AND I HATE YOU FOR GETTING ME INTO THIS!!!.”
“How is this my fault?” Asked A confused Bob.
“JUU Die!!!” I yelled as I lunged at his face.
I am sorry to say that I am completely un aware of what happened in the next few minutes. You see I have this Odd brain thing that makes me black out when ever I get really pissed. The next thing I remember is being in the middle of a battlefield.
To my left sub-zero is being killed by a pack of rabid squirrels. Behind him I see The jolly green giant Punt Jackie Chan in to the middle of to cast of river dance. I see the cast of friends get beaten to a bloody pulp By Chuck Norris. Then thousands of knights of every color descend form the heveans and start wailing on everyone. Until largo and Erika show up with a rent- a-zilla which starts eating everyone.
“Wow... this is really getting out of hand...” said Bob who was standing next to me.
“Would you care explaining what is happening... or more importantly, why it is happening.” I asked as I watched Hamlet have his Eyes stabbed out by Shakespear, as Shakespear yelled, “Take that you bawdy flax-wench.”
“As far as I can tell... a rift in space, time, dimensions and alternate realities has been caused by our beating each other up and that in correlation with chaos theory, hunds Law, Einstiens special law of realitivity, and the quadratic equation has caused the world to start imploding... and it would seem that the only way to stop it from killing us all is to erect that monument that Finnegan was talking about.” Bob spouts... I am still unsure as to the validity of this argument, but at that particular moment a slight movement drew my attention to Bobs left foot.
“I still don't think that that explains why Shakespear is gnawing on your foot.”
“If you think about it hard enough it does.” Said Bob while trying to kick Shakespeare off of his leg, then continued on to say, “I think that at this point, the best course of action would be to erect the iron pole on top of the hill before Chuck Norris sees us.”
Well up to this point I have almost completely lied to you. So from this moment forward I shall only speak of what actually happened. We spent three hours of our life dragging a rusted iron pole to the top of a sand dune, stuck it in the ground, tied a walmart shopping bag to the top of it and called it our monument to stupidity for the sake of hard work, and hard work for the sake of stupidity. (that is not redundant if you think about it)
Well after that we walked home... about two days later we left the beach, and the monument was still there. And we were proud of that... that is really sad... I am proud of a pole in the sand...
Fin (YES, I know that it is French)