Doctor, Doctor, Gimme the News
by Leanne Brotsky
January 12, 2007 12:08pm
My therapist told me that I should keep a journal of all of my fears about my health. Apparently, she thinks when I see what I’ve written, I’ll see some of my fears are “slightly irrational.” Please. She’s only saying that because she doesn’t have a psychiatrist’s license so she can’t prescribe medicine for my problems. She’s what those of us in Psych 101 like to call, “repressing the issue.”
But fine. I’ll keep this journal. It’s probably a good idea to have a record for the medical examiner in case I die before I can contact a physician and describe my symptoms.
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January 13, 2007 3:45pm
I can’t feel my toes. I’ve been wearing huge boots and three pairs of socks all day, but I can’t feel my toes. Kristin said it was probably just because it’s like 40 degrees outside. But she’s just bitter because I’ve covered the whole radiator in our dorm room with socks and blankets for my feet.
I just checked WebMD. Numb toes are one of the first warning signs of peripheral arterial disease of the legs (PAD). Oh god. I fit all the rest of the symptoms, too. Decreased leg strength and poor balance? I tripped three times between the library and my room. I know it doesn’t have anything to do with the ice on the ground. I feel very internally unbalanced. And what about sores that are slow to heal? I’ve had a blister on the bottom of my foot for at least a week. And no, Kristin, it’s not because my boots are too tight. WebMD says lots of sufferers from PAD think their condition is only caused by a lot of walking or exercise. They say if untreated, PAD can get much worse. Oh god.
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January 14, 2007 10:45am
I just got off the phone with my dad. Apparently, PAD is most common among old men, alcoholics, and smokers. He said since I’m not any of those things, I should stop worrying and stop calling him at seven in the morning. Look, I’m sorry if my brushes with death aren’t on his west coast schedule. It’s not like I control these things.
I could hear my mom laughing in the background during the whole conversation. She thinks I’m just hysterical. Well, she wasn’t laughing so hard a few months ago when she was having hearing problems. She was convinced she was going deaf. When she went to the doctor, he reached in her ear with some pliers and pulled out the head of a Q-Tip.
And she thinks I overreact.
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January 21, 2007 6:15pm
Oh, Jesus. I just saw this headline in the paper: Tumor and Stroke Victims on College Campuses Have Doubled. I’m going to die.
January 21, 2007 6:45pm
Phew. Apparently that article was talking about professors and deans ages 65 to 90.
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January 30, 2007 3:00pm
My therapist just had me reread what I’d written in here. I didn’t find anything irrational. It would be different if I was like a med student and knew who’s most likely to suffer from what diseases. But, come on! How is a normal person supposed to know what diseases are common? And besides, doctors don’t always know what they’re talking about anyway. If I’ve learned anything from watching House on FOX, it’s that bizarre, new diseases pop up all the time. Someone has to be the first person to get each one. So why couldn’t it be me?
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February 5, 2007 2:13pm
I just met Kristin’s friend Jessie. She’s so majorly hypersensitive! We were just sitting around and she got a little headache and had to run back to her room to take some Advil in case it got worse and turned into a migraine. Then when she came back she asked us to turn off a few lights and close the curtains because her eyes were getting really light sensitive. Such a drama queen!
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February 6, 2007 4:15pm
I’m pretty sure I have a brain tumor. For the past 24 hours I’ve been having killer headaches. I asked Jessie if migraines were contagious, but she said no. So I looked on WebMD to see what my symptoms could mean. It’s not a migraine because those go away after a few hours. It could be a cluster headache, but those are five times more likely in men than women. So that just leaves a brain tumor.
I give myself a week to live.
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February 7, 2007 10:11am
I called my dad to ask him about the brain tumor. Apparently, if it really was a tumor, I would have a lot more headaches and my nose would be bleeding. He said I should probably stop checking WebMD, or at least read it more carefully when I do.
I’m sorry, but when I think I’m dying, I don’t exactly have time to read the whole long article. I would have died by then, so reading the whole thing would be pointless.
And just because my dad is a real doctor who sees patients and everything doesn’t mean that he’s somehow better than WebMD. I’m sure that website saves lots of lives every day. It’s opened my eyes to all sorts of perilous diseases just waiting to spread through our population!
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February 8, 2007 5:00pm
I just got a nosebleed! Oh, sweet Jesus. I am definitely going to die! I keep seeing my life flash before my eyes. And last night when I was sleeping I swear I saw a big white light coming from a tunnel in front of me. I woke myself up just to be sure that I didn’t die right then.
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February 9, 2007 10:00pm
I looked at WebMD to make sure that there wasn’t some nicer, less deadly explanation for my nosebleeds and headaches. Apparently, unless I’m pregnant (which is one\ explanation for nosebleeds), I’m just flat out going to die.
It’s been three days now. I figure I have about four more. I think I’ll go ask my therapist if she has the name of any good grief counselors.
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February 10, 2007 3:47pm
Well, after my therapist finally stopped laughing, she asked me what was wrong. I told her about the headaches and the nosebleeds, which, by the way, are totally gross and aren’t going away.
Those symptoms weren’t impressive enough for her highness to give me the name of a grief counselor. She also wouldn’t give me the name of someone who could help me make out my will. She did, however, suggest that I start coming in twice a week rather than once.
As if therapy will cure a brain tumor.
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February 11, 2007 4:00pm
Day five, two to go. I just talked to my parents to tell them that this could be the last time we would ever speak.
I could practically hear my dad roll his eyes over the phone. Thankfully, my mom did seem a bit concerned. I heard her talking to my dad about what could be wrong with me. He just grunted and snorted. Nice.
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February 12, 2007 6:00pm
My mom called me today. She said she talked to her friend, a dentist, and he said my headaches could be tooth-related. Puh-lease. It’s very nice that my mom wants to find a reason that I’m not dying and everything. And I made an appointment with a local dentist just to humor her. But I think I know when I have a brain tumor. One more day to live.
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February 13, 2007 12:03pm
OH MY GOD I’M NOT GOING TO DIE!!!! I just got back from the dentist. He told me that I started grinding my teeth when I sleep. Apparently that’s why I’ve had such bad headaches!! At first, I wasn’t totally convinced. So I asked him to explain my nosebleeds. He looked at me like I was a little crazy and asked if I’d been watching the news. As if I have time to watch the news when I’m living my final week of life.
But he said that there are stories all over the news that it’s been record-breakingly dry lately and that everyone has been getting tons of nosebleeds.
I’m going to live!! Phew. I cannot even explain the relief I’m feeling. Only those who have escaped death like I have would truly appreciate the weight that has just lifted off my shoulders.
I’m going to go celebrate. Maybe with some frozen yogurt.
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February 13, 2007 3:00pm
On the way back from getting fro-yo I felt breathless and my chest was tight. I don’t even need WebMD to tell me that I’m having a heart attack. I’m going to go lie down to increase blood flow to the heart.
Oh god.