Ten Steps to a Happy Life

            by Dr. Sophie Bridgers, Ph.D.

 

In the last year, the number of therapists in the U.S. has quadrupled.  Why is this, you ask?  Well the answer is simple:  most people are unhappy.  However, why pay hundreds of dollars to talk to a stranger when you can read a book from the comfort of your lazy-boy chair?  My book, Ten Steps to a Happier Life, will give you not five, not eight, but ten easy steps to a happier life.  Tired of waking up depressed?  Fed up with that feeling that it’s all up-hill from here?  Then look no further than page 7.  The key to a more fulfilling life awaits you…

 

Step 1:  Feelin’ Lucky

Wake up early each morning to watch the sunrise (those with hangovers feel free to put on sunglasses once the sun is up).  As you’re looking out the window, whisper to yourself:  “Thank God, I’m alive.”  If this is not effective, try chanting:  “At least I’m not dead.”  If this is still not convincing, then when you wake up tomorrow, pretend that you are in fact dead.  Then run to your bathroom and look in the mirror.  When you see your reflection, you will feel relieved.  It will be the same feeling you get when you wake up on a Sunday and think it’s a Monday.  On those mornings when you finally realize that it is a Sunday, you’re excited because you’ve gained an extra day off from work, except in this case you’ve just gained an extra life!  (Note: For those who do not see their reflection call the Vampire Victim Recovery Center ASAP)

 

 

Step 2:  Destressify

Now that you’re eager to start the day, try to stay relaxed.  Take a walk before going to work or running your errands.  Be present in the moment.  Listening to your breath can help quiet your mind.  Try to breathe evenly.  If your breath stops at anytime, it might be having performance anxiety, so stop listening for a few seconds and let it calm down.  Pay close attention to your surroundings.  If you hear a car alarm blaring in the distance, smile and try to think of it as soothing music.  Sometimes chirping birds can get in the way of this, but if you yell at them, wave your arms, and hop on one foot they should fly away and you can return to enjoying the sound of the alarm.

 

Step 3:  My Not-So-Dead-End Job

It is a well-known fact that most Americans hate their job.  However, since you’re going to be stuck with it until you die (because you probably won’t have enough money to retire), I recommend that you try to spice up your work life.  If you usually eat turkey sandwiches for lunch, try salami.  Buy a new briefcase and dye it bright yellow with hot pink polka dots.  You’ll stand out and you’ll be a “trend-setter” (Note:  If people laugh at you, they’re just jealous).  Bring a piñata filled with company pens and highlighters and have an office fiesta.  Surround yourself with pictures of people who love you, which will help you make it through the day.  If you don’t have any of these people in your life, then find a picture of an incredibly good looking male or female and put it in a frame on your desk.  If anyone asks, “Who’s the hottie?” tell them that he or she is your fiancé and that you’re getting married in Maui in the spring.

 

 

Step 4:  You Are What You Eat

I’m sure that you’ve heard of the six major food groups, but eating healthy is boring, not to mention time consuming.  Healthy food has no flavor, so my motto is: eat what tastes good.  According to this book there are only three major food groups: sugar, fat, and grease.  There is a common saying:  “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”  If you ask me, this is a terrible saying that sends the completely wrong message.  Who wants to stay away from the doctor’s office?  How else are you going to meet rich, attractive, intelligent men?  Didn’t your mother tell you to marry a doctor?  I mean, have you seen Grey’s Anatomy?  Yowza!  My advice?  Follow this saying:  “An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but chuck the fruit and you’ll get a hunk who’s too cute.”  (Note:  The word “Hunk” may be substituted for “Babe” or “Chick” depending on sexual preference).

 

Step 5:  Clothes Don’t Always Make the Man

A major cause of stress is fashion.  People use clothes as a way to measure their worth and their “coolness.”  Designer clothes these days are ridiculously expensive.  They can cost a person their entire life’s savings.  Sure you look great, but you lost your house in the process and now you’re sleeping outside in a cardboard box.  Whoopee.  My solution is very simple and cost efficient:  Birthday Suits.  You come out naked, so why not stay that way?  Plus, you’ll never have to worry about whether your shoes match your outfit.  Now, I must warn you, some people may be offended by your choice of clothing or lack there of.  However, here’s a sure fire way to quiet their protests.

Protestor:  Hey, you!  Put some clothes on!

You:  Do poodles look good in plaid sweaters or do they look ridiculous?

Protestor:  Why, they look ridiculous of course.

You:  And why do they look ridiculous?

Protestor:  Because no self-respecting dog is meant to wear clothes.

You:  Right you are.  They are born naked just like us and are meant to stay that way.  Just like us.  I’m not the poodle in the sweater, you are.  Now go take your clothes off!  I can’t even look at you.  (Turn on your heels and storm off.  The protestor will feel ashamed and walk away dejectedly).

This works every time.  Except when it doesn’t.  On these rare occasions, the police might come to arrest you.  Don’t struggle, you might wrinkle or scratch your outfit.  (Note:  Please refrain from mentioning this book during your interrogation)

 

Step 6:  Cashing in the Gold

Capitalism is the foundation of this country. The Latin root of this word means “to spend.”  That’s right, “to spend,” not “to save.”  And you know what that means?  Shopping spree!  Sure it may seem responsible to save your money for when you’re old.  But when you’re 80, what do you need money for?  It’s not like you can do anything at that age.  No, the time is now, and I say enjoy your money while you still can.  I just explained in Step 5 that you shouldn’t wear clothes, but there are tons of other things you can buy.  You could buy a yacht, an airplane, a mansion, or your uncle’s award-winning multi-colored rock collection!  Now, you might start worrying about going into debt as a result of these extravagant purchases.  The best way to deal with debt is to pretend that it doesn’t exist.  Don’t think of it as borrowing, think of it as creating more money to support your needs.  Then give yourself a pat on the back for being so resourceful.  Not everyone can create money out of thin air.

 

Step 7:  Love for Beginners

If you followed Steps 1 through 6, then you should be feeling moderately happy right about now.  So, it’s time to start sharing this happiness with someone else.  That’s right, you’re ready for luuuuv.  (If you are already in love, then advance immediately to Step 8 or break up with your current love interest and follow my advice in order to find another, probably less fulfilling, but nonetheless exhausting, relationship).  The key thing to remember is: don’t be yourself.  This is a time to reinvent yourself.  Find a movie star you admire and emulate them in every way.  Our culture worships celebrities, so if you are exactly like one, someone is bound to worship you as well.  Make sure that you put yourself in situations where you can meet eligible singles.  Clubs are great singles watering holes, as are churches, gas station bathrooms, and my personal favorite, Burger King.  There’s nothing more romantic than meeting eyes over the bun of a double bacon cheeseburger.

 

Step 8:  Hope for the Best, Plan for the Worst

Optimism has its place, but you don’t want to be so optimistic that you find yourself sitting in your living room, watching a tornado approach, thinking:  “It’s a bit windy today, but at least there’s a breeze.”  A big part of being happy and staying that way is avoiding disappointment.  Thus, you should hope for that job promotion, but at the same time expect to remain the “girl or boy who fills the office coffee cups” or whatever your current career may be.  Now, I’m not saying don’t try to improve your situation.  If you want to be head stripper, by all means go for it.  All I’m saying is that if you set your goals high, also be okay with the fact that you might never make it to the top of the ladder.  A rung might break or maybe you don’t have the right shoes on for climbing.  You never know.  Don’t go around expecting a disaster to hit, but make sure that you have all the emergency supplies you need if one does decide to ring your doorbell.

 

Step 9:  The Early Bird Doesn’t Always Get the Worm

Some people think you have to get up early to get things done.  The day might seem longer, but you also have to deal with people rushing up to you every five minutes and asking, “What happened?!  Are you okay?” on account of your two very attractive black, puffy eyes.  The only way to get around the dreaded “raccoon-eyeitis” is to get more sleep.  But who wants to admit that they go to sleep at 8?  You’re young and healthy.  You should be out partying until at least 1 or 2 am, but this means that if you get up early you will be groggy, unproductive, and in serious need of some cover-up.  My advice is to party late and sleep in.  You’ll be much more alert than those sluggish people who thought that they had to get up early to succeed, so you can just steal their worms from them.  Simple as that.  (I know what you’re thinking:  “How am I supposed to sleep late and watch the sunrise?”  The solution?  Videotape it.  Then you can watch the sunrise when it fits into your schedule).

 

 

Step 10:  There’s No Tomorrow

This is the last and final step.  I decided to make it short and sweet:  Live everyday as if it were your last, and one day you’ll wake up and have the pleasure of being right.

 

 

Congratulations!  You’ve made it through my Ten Steps to a Happier Life.  I know that in applying these steps to your life you have increased your overall level of happiness.  Please do not hesitate to send me letters of gratitude, telling me how I saved your life if you are so inclined, which I am sure you will be.  I, of course, am very confident in the success of this book and expect people all over America to start turning their frowns upside down.  (If not, it’s no skin off my back, because I’ve already made a fortune off of sales.  You should at least feel happy that in purchasing this book, you helped make my life just a little bit brighter.)