Third Grade Love

            by Jereme Altenberg

 

         It was the night before the first day of school, and I was eager to see who was in my new class. I had done all my back to school shopping, and was looking so hot for the ladies, that they wouldn’t even know how to put the fire out once they saw me. Yes, the next day I was entering the big Zero Three, third grade, and I was planning to dress to impress. Little did I know, the next day I would meet the most amazing girl of my entire eight-year life.

         I sat cross-legged on the ground while my new teacher, Ms. Mac, called roll. I was first to be called, “Altenberg,” and then she proceeded. I looked at all the faces as she went down the list. I hadn’t noticed anybody new yet – Buttkiss, Cocks, Dickinson, Discharge – I began to wonder if I just didn’t recognize some of the old faces, but then she got to J.

         “Jameson….Jameson?”

         “Oh, yes, present,” I heard in the most singsong voice ever.

         “Okay, great. Janay. La’shanique. Monique.”

         Ms. Mac’s voice trailed off, continuing with the roll, but I just sat, my eyes stuck on Jenny Jameson. She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen in my life.

         I immediately began crushing on her. The next few days of school, I couldn’t keep my eyes off her, and after two weeks, I knew her favorite color, red, her favorite band, Spice Girls (I went and bought the CD), and her lucky number 69. After staring at her a lot in class, I noticed she stared at me too. It was amazing; we were in love.

         Jenny Jameson’s birthday was October 8th (I knew because I had asked her friend), so I planned to get her something special. I knew she was really into that Sanrio shit, so I got her a Bad Badtz Maru pen. Now I know you’re thinking, wait up, Bad Badtz Maru is what all the dudes liked, and the girls liked the Hello Kitty. But the problem was I couldn’t drive to the store myself and buy it (out of fear that my parents would hear me sneaking out with the car), so I had to go with the ‘rents and make like I was buying it for myself. My plan was solid: I’d get back to school the next day (the 8th) and give her the pen during recess, on the part of the playground where she and her friends hung out.

         I got to school and all was going well. I had looked at her a few times during silent reading and sometimes she would look back at me and we’d lock eyes for a second. I felt the love; I knew it was there. After reading was over, we put our books away and all sang Happy Birthday to Jenny. When we were done with the chocolate cup cakes, it was time for recess and time for me to set my plan in motion. The bell rang, and I walked out of class, taking careful note of where she and her friends had gone. I hadn’t mustered up enough courage at that point, so I walked to the bathroom, and gave myself a little talk.

         “Come on, man. You can do this,” I said to my reflection in the mirror. “This is your only chance, bro. Stop being such a sissy about it.”

         “Just go give her the dang pen.” My 3rd grade palms began feeling clammy. I grabbed some paper towel, dried them and walked out side, attempting to hold my chest high.

         I walked back out of the bathroom a few minutes later, and located Jenny where she had been before. In order to get to her, though, I had to walk past the kickball diamond where all my friends were. See, it was really very important that they didn’t see me talking to the girls, or else I’d be the biggest loser ever and never ever get to be team captain again, and I would always get picked last. So when I began sneaking by them, I pulled my sweatshirt over my head (so I was looking out the neck hole) and looked away from them so they couldn’t see my face. I began walking faster and checking over my shoulder to make sure nobody was following me, and soon I was in a full out run. I was almost to Jenny and her friends when, from behind me, I heard a screeching whistle.

         “Jereme! No running on the playground!” Shit, the yard lady.

I turned around and noticed that everyone in the kickball game had turned around and was looking at me like WTF??!?! (My sweatshirt was still over my head and I looked like a damn FOOL!!!)

         Well, not to worry, because I was probably going to chicken out anyway. But I still needed to give her the pen, so I went back to the bathroom and decided to take a different route to get to her. This time I succeeded.

         I exited the bathroom after another brief pep-talk to myself and, this time, walked around the portables. When I got to the last portable I stood, partially hiding behind the wall, and looked at her and her group of giggling friends. Since they were giggling, they were probably talking about me, so I didn’t want to embarrass her. But then, just as I was contemplating an alternate plan, she began walking toward me to go to the bathroom where I had just come from. I slid back into the shadow of the portable as my third grade hands frantically reached for the pen. When she came around the corner, I fumbled with the pen, and she stopped and looked at me. I quickly hid the pen behind my back, and then we locked eyes. At that instant my mind moved at a million thoughts per second, but then at 1 million seconds per thought – slow-mo. She smiled. I smiled. She took a step toward me. I leaned in, tilted my head. We began making out savagely. She pushed me up against the portable wall, and we must have frenched for at least an hour. Okay maybe more like ten minutes because that’s how long the rest of recess was, but it was still awesome.

         Okay, I lied. Going all the way back to the part where she walks by me. Yeah, I never said anything; I got too chicken. (Come on did you actually think my first kiss was in third grade?....Props to you if yours was.) But I did walk up to her friends and tell them to give her the pen and not tell her whom it was from. Even though they didn’t say, I could tell she knew whom it was from because she was using it the whole rest of class that day.

         The next day I went into class happy and full of courage, and decided to go talk to Jenny. I walked over to her desk, and was about to say hi but I noticed she wasn’t using the Badtz Maru pen.

         “Oh, hi Jereme...” she said first. “My friend just told me that you gave me this Badtz Maru pen,” she said pulling the pen out of her backpack. “Well um, I don’t really like Badtz Matu, so you can have it back.” What the hell? I just saw you using it yesterday!?!

         “Oh, yea uh, I don’t like him either,” I said stupidly, taking the pen back. “Um aight... see you at recess...” She stared at me, then proceeded to put her hands together in the formation of a turtle, and said, “Awkward.” I turned and walked back to my desk wondering where I went wrong

         So there ended the first love of my life. After that moment, I never said another word to Jenny, and made the promise to never love again – and how!