…When I left that afternoon, I remember not being much of a hugging person. But that day I was open to Katie’s hug, just as I had been open towards Molly’s hugs. My friends knew that too. On the way home that day, there had been a smile left on my face the whole ride home. I still didn’t understand what was going on with me. What’s coming over me? I didn’t even care to think that it’d possibly be the start to more pain and heartbreak.

      By that last week of September, I had reached the conclusion that what I had been feeling the previous week had been attraction towards Katie, although it had taken two whole days, of that previous weekend to realize. I had no plan to tell anyone, not just yet. I wasn’t even sure if it was right to like Katie the way I did, after all she was my friend. That was the week that we had planned to see Tim Burton’s new movie, Corpse Bride. When we had first made the plans, I had invited Katie because of her love of Johnny Depp. But it seemed that now, with these new budding feelings, the movie was just what I needed to be closer to her.

      The week seemed to have been unnecessarily long, although each day spent with her, made it all worth while. This time, thoughts of her had been set into my mind, thoughts of wanting to be with her. This time was different though, this time I knew I had somewhat of a chance with her. Friendship had been the advantage, but I would soon find out that it would also be a big disadvantage. I had a definite 50/50 chance this time. Even knowing that, I was still afraid. The pain of rejection had still held refuge inside me, holding me back from saying what was in my heart. Everyone who knew me knew how hard it was for me to speak my mind with subjects as gentle as to me and who I liked. They knew that when it came down to it, I was simply soft spoken. It seemed to be that my only refuge was in writing. Writing made everything flow; flow to the point of it was I needed to say. It was what I turned to after all attempts failed. After each attempt seemed to be interrupted by a flock of friends, to a point of which I was too afraid to even bring it up. After the fear of rejection took over my confidence and kept my lips shut.

      For the rest of that week, I would count the days until that Friday rolled along. I’d play it off as though I was excited for the movie, but behind it all, I had my other reasons to the excitement. It seemed that everyday, every hug, each time I would glance into her entrancing green eyes, made the feelings grow more and more. It had been more that I’d expected. How could a friendship take such a sudden 360? It seemed that I had a whole new meaning of life, in only one week of time. When that Friday finally rolled around,  I remember sitting in my morning Chemistry lab, laughing it up with a couple friends thinking, “I can’ wait for after school!” I knew that there would be a group of my friends going as well. But to be honest, I couldn’t care less if the rest of them came along. My mind was set on one person.

      I don’t recall the contents of my day, but the anticipation growing inside me was overwhelming as each class period seemed to continue on at the pace of a snail. I hadn’t expected anything of that September 23^rd, just good times at the movies with my friends and my world.  With the anticipation running through my veins, seeing her at school was causing it to build even higher. I’m going to try to sit with her, I remember thinking to myself all day. My mind had wandered to my thoughts of what I wished would happen. Like to “accidentally” grab her hand as we sat beside one another. I wasn’t too sure it would happen, but it didn’t hurt to hope, right?

      I had badminton that year, as my last class.  It was the only class that seemed to zip through. Finally! We had been dismissed to change and leave. I’d usually stay behind to help put the nets away, but not today. I had been rushed with fact that I’d be seeing the movie very soon, with the girl that had been running through my mind all day. My heart was pumping, faster then a speeding car, with anticipation. Once my little group had met up, we already had the movie time and the price. All we needed now was the snacks; we had all gone to E-Z Stop and gotten the candy and sodas that were needed for those two hours or so. With the snacks in hand, we had bought the tickets but now our mission was to sneak in the snacks. Most of us had hidden the brown paper bags into our backpacks and underneath jackets. But there was one who had been less prepared for that. The concession workers and stopped and confiscated her bag of snacks, it had been a good laugh, but I admit I felt bad at the same time. 
 

      The seating arrangement that had already been set in my mind was rearranged, leaving me feeling annoyed. Instead I had decided to sit one row below; because that was the closest I was going to get to her. I won’t deny that I was upset, but that was okay since there was no point in it. I was there with her and that was had been my original intent in the first place. The movie was the last thing in my mind. I was too distracted with her being near, that anytime something funny was said I used that as excuse to turn around. My heart was on my sleeve, but of course no one around me knew, or so I thought.

      Almost half way through that movie, our friend and her girlfriend had taken the liberty of doing what every couple would do, make out. It was oddly distracting to see Katie’s obvious look of disgust and sadness, mixed with one part discomfort. It hurt me to see her that way.

      “Hey, do you want to move down here?” I asked in an audible whisper, and the goodness of my heart. She and our friend, Tequilla, had both agreed and made their way to the row I had occupied. In the back of my mind, I had hoped she would sit next to me, so when she did, I was overjoyed. In my chair I moved my feet onto the seat, my body leaning slightly so that it moved me closer to her, even if only an inch. I remember letting my head turn just slightly, to catch a glimpse of her, with joy in my heart. When I had decided that I would actually pay attention to that movie, I was caught off guard when her lips pressed against my cheek. My cheeks had turned the brightest red, but thankfully were hidden by the blanket of darkness, provided by the theater.

      “Did you just…kiss…Dani?” Tequilla asked with pure confusion and surprise in her voice. Without thinking about it, Katie kissed her cheek. Tequilla was still confused about both kisses, but decided not to ask anymore, seeing as she hadn’t asked after that. I took the kiss on my cheek, as a sign, that I had to tell her how I felt. I didn’t know how, or when, but I knew it was something I had wanted to do. But at the time, I hadn’t been sure if I actually would find the courage to. There was no doubt in my mind, that the kiss had been intoxicating. It was the only thing I could’ve even begun to think about. The animation was far from my mind, once again. But it left a train of thought and doubt in my heart and mind, parallel to the thoughts of how incredible she was. I knew I wanted to talk to her, and tell her. But I was scared and confused. 
 

      After the movie, I had to force myself to stay normal and calm, rather than to make a big deal of things. It would’ve blown my cover, but to my surprise my mother stood waiting. That was close. I thought as we neared the car.

      “What are you doing here?” I asked, not unwelcoming but extremely surprised.  She explained that she had come to pick me up, but I protested. Instead she offered to take us out to dinner. Sitting at the table, with Katie by my side, made the night right. After the dinner I had been forced to depart from my friends, as much as I didn’t want to, I knew I could leave feeling happy, for the first time in months. The ride home that night, felt like a ride on the clouds. I had music flowing in my ears and Katie running through my mind. That was possibly one of the most perfect moments I could ever have been given. My mind was too cluttered to pay attention to the music, until one song caught me off guard. There’s something ‘bout the way you look tonight, there’s something ‘bout the way that I can’t take my eyes off you.  
 

      Later that night, it was probably close to 11 pm. I was laying in my room with the laptop beside my bed, talking to Katie and a few of my other friends. The conversation went from the movie we had seen hours before and other movies she liked. The whole time we we’re talking, thoughts were running through my head. Tell her! No…no…that would be pointless!  Whatever! Just tell her! It was a constant argument with my conscious and my heart.  
 

      “I changed the song on my MySpace.” I told her.

      “Changed it to what?”

      “Clay Aiken’s ’The Way’” I told her, rather unsure of how she would react to the song, because of most teenagers dislike to him and his music. It surprised me, when she actually said she loved the song. I didn’t tell her why I put up the song, but she was the reason. Not many people of that age was a fan of Clay Aiken or his music, but because of what that song meant to me, it had become my favorite song at the time.

      “Yes!!!” She said rather excitedly, it was not what I had expected. A sigh of relief left my lips, as it felt as though that small weight was lifted off my shoulders. A small frown formed on my face, as she said the song had almost made her cry because she had no one for it. “I could be that person...” I thought.

      “I’m such a loser” She said.

      “Nahhh” I assured her, because to me especially, she was far from a loser. She was incredible, but I couldn’t tell her that.  
 

      A break in conversation had become time for me to think about whether or not to tell her. My head was a mess of thoughts and uncertainties, to whether or not she would take it the way I wanted her to. Overcoming the uncertainties, I knew my feelings had to be known. I recall stating how loneliness sucked, but in my head was a whole new story. Smooth move…! I felt stupid for even saying it, but I was relieved to see that she agreed.

      “I’m always here if you ever get desperate.” She said jokingly. I was relieved that she even said it, because it would be what I could go on, to tell her. I continued to joke around, until finally reaching the confidence level to get to the point.

      “What if…it wasn’t just desperation?” I asked, holding my breath awaiting an answer. I was hoping she wasn’t angry with me for asking that. How I felt had finally been establish, and in the same night! It was a relief, but the real relief was to come with her answer.

      “What? Are you saying you like me, Dani?” She asked, as I sighed gently.

      “Dude, if you do then hellz yea!” She said, bringing a huge grin to my face, it wasn’t an obvious answer, but I remember feeling extremely relieved and happy. It was the happiest I’d been since childhood. It was a happy, that felt like no other. It was just how she made me feel, and how the moment made me feel. 
 

      The next day and weekend, was pure bliss and anticipation, since there was absolutely no way I could see her, as much as I wanted to. For the first time, I couldn’t wait until the next Monday. I couldn’t wait for school. It was pure torture to be away from her, now that things between us were just beginning. That day, I remember text messaging Katie all day long, telling her how much I missed her. I spent the day happier than ever, it was a feeling I hadn’t felt in so long, a feeling I missed greatly.

I received a text message from my friend, Tequilla, asking if I liked Katie, because of how I acted. Little did I know Katie had been close behind waiting for the reply, as well.  
 

      I replied with a yes, knowing very well that I would probably get made fun of. But that didn’t matter to me, because I was willing to take in all the jokes if it meant that I would be with Katie.  
 

      Later on that night, I found out my friends went to go see a movie. They had gone to see ‘The Exorcism of Emily Rose’. Tequilla had told me about how she and our friend Lynn kept scaring Katie and making fun of her and even me. It was funny, yet kind of mean at the same time. But we all knew it was all good fun. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. I am the stalker that dwells within. Katie had wanted me to go, but they all knew I couldn’t, because of how far I lived and the protectiveness of my parents.

      “…but if you were there, it would have been amazing…” She said when I asked her about the movie. The grin on my face was something I wish she’d seen. She had made me feel so happy, but leaving me wishing I had been there with her. Wondering if I had gone to be with her would she have been as scared. She told me how they made fun of her and how mean it had been, at that moment, I wished I could just give her a hug, and hold her to make it all better. But being that I was at home, I couldn’t. 
 

      When Monday rolled along, I couldn’t wait until she was by my side. But she was no where in sight as it was almost time to go to class. My friends and I had gone outside like we usually did, when I felt someone’s gentle arms around me. I smiled, as she stood beside me. I was at a loss for words, though. It seemed that I was so happy, that I was afraid that anything I could say would mess things up. The days she first held my hand, as we walked through the halls together, brought the biggest grin to my face and confidence to my heart. It was as if all eyes were on us, and I loved it. It was known that she and I had been together. I loved that week, because she honestly had made me feel as though I was the luckiest girl alive, being with her, my girlfriend. That Thursday though. Everything seemed different and almost depressing. I was left once again blind sided, and I didn’t even know it. My girl had been upset about something, what I didn’t know. I hated seeing that saddened look in her eyes, because I wanted her to be happy. There was something wrong happening with the day, but I couldn’t put a finger on it. That September 29, 2005, had been a day I came to hate. It’s okay we all have those days. We need to talk. I miss you too. I could only think the worse, although Katie had been my first girlfriend, I knew what it meant. And I knew that,”We need to talk” was the four words no one wanted to hear. I was scared, and the only way I could let myself show it, was through tears. 5^th period, I sat outside of my English classroom crying fearing seeing her after school. I knew what was bound to happen, as much as I tried to convince myself otherwise.

      When after school came, my eyes welled up with tears as she came towards me. She knew why I was upset, but she wouldn’t show it. I simply showed her the text message to show her why I had been crying. She looked at me with sympathy in her eyes as she wrapped her arms around me. I let my arms wrap around her as well, holding her almost possessively.

      “No, it’s not bad. It’s good!” She said into my ear, trying to convince me that things were okay. I let those words relieve me, because they came from her. I didn’t see what was really going on, but I somehow I wish I did. She was still upset, and I didn’t like that.

      “What’s wrong?” I asked her, with worry in my tone. My eyes never left hers.

      “Stuff.” She replied, with a blunt tone.

      “Stuff?”

      “Stuff.” She said again, I was now even more worried about her. Whatever it was that was wrong.

      “Do you really want to know?”

      “Yes.” I replied bluntly, I wanted her to be able to tell me everything. No matter what it may be. She took me off to the side, I knew now what was coming and that I had been right. I simply leaned against the white wall as I listened to her every word. I didn’t have a thing to say, I was too far in my heart sunk deeper and deeper. It hurt, but I couldn’t let it show.

      “You know I really like you, but school has to come first.” She told me, and I believed it. I knew that her grades in one of her classes weren’t very good, so I had nothing to do but to allow it to happen. I tried to keep my cool, but it was hard to do.

      Months after, there was nothing I could do but cry each time I heard a song that reminded me of her. My All. Each time someone brought her up. Always Be My Baby. Each time I was alone and had the time to start thinking. The Way. I remember the days and nights where I went to Tequilla, while little did I know, Katie too had been going to her. My emotions had once again had the best of me, and I wished I’d never reacted the way I did. I wondered how it would have been if I hadn’t brought up how I felt for her. If we could still have been together if maybe we waited. So many ifs. After December, our communication came to a complete halt. It was as if she hated me from then on. That hurt me even more, because I was being ignored once again.

      “You’re too late, I’ve stopped caring.” It was the last thing she said to me, before I lost all words to say to her. I was hurt, and she didn’t care. What have I done? I lost her.