A Vision

      The summer after seventh grade was coming to an end, and I was not only entering a new grade, but I was beginning to really have feelings for my crush, Mark. All my friends got along with him well, especially Stephanie and him; they had similar, fun senses of humor that were really compatible. A few of my other friends went to school with him, so they knew him well from there. Mark and I met at Camp Kee Tov, where we weren’t that great of friends. It wasn’t until Mark ever since my Bat Mitzvah, started constantly text messaging and calling me, that I began to have a real interest in him. Mark’s extremely funny and upbeat personality made him really fun to be around. Our late night conversations usually consisted of us laughing and cracking jokes. Mark helped me fall asleep; I always ended the conversation with a smile on my face. I hung up the phone and Mark continued to be on my mind. The attention that he was giving me was worth the difficulty in waking up for school the next morning.

      On one unordinary night all the girls and I were sleeping at Erin’s house. Erin has her own telephone line so when we heard her parent’s phone ring we didn’t think anything of it.

      “TELEPHONE, ERIN!!” Erin’s mom yelled downstairs

      “Hello?” Erin picked up the phone

      “Hey Erin, it’s Mark.”

      “Mark?” Erin said confused.

      I walked towards the phone wondering why he was calling. Mark had been in Kentucky visiting his family, and I had not talked to him for a few days. It was a pleasant surprise to talk to him.

      “Hey Mark! How are you? Are you having a fun trip?”

      “Ya, it’s fun but it’d be more fun if you were here.” Mark responded with not much confidence in his sweet one-liners.

      “Awww... I wish I was there too, you should’ve snuck me in your suitcase.” I was trying to be cute, but ended up just embarrassing myself.

      “Make sure you call me when you get back! As soon as you get home, don’t forget!” I soon changed the subject so I didn’t keep making myself look stupid. We said our goodbyes and fought over who should hang up first. Immediately after I hung up the phone I ran over to the girls on the black leathery couch. They were all sitting there with huge grins on their faces. They could see me smiling, happier than ever. After that night I knew something was going to happen with Mark.

      The DJ finally played a slow song and most of the adults cleared the dance floor. It was Stephanie’s Bat Mitzvah. It had been just two weeks since my bat mitzvah, and a lot had happened. I walked over to Mark to ask him to dance, and without hesitation we walked to the dance floor. We were dancing at the awkward-seventh-grade two feet distance while slowly circling. Although we looked so young next to the high school kids, I felt so grown-up and mature. A few songs later, I was dancing with my girls, while the boys stood awkwardly on the outside. Mark walked over to me and took me by my hand and led me to the corner. We stood there for a few seconds; I waited nervously.

      “I have a question.” Mark shyly said.

      “What?”  I asked as my heart was racing

      “You know what I want to ask you.”

      “No I don’t, what?” I said even though I knew perfectly what he wanted to ask me.

       I wanted to end the awkward, not-going-anywhere conversation.

       I smiled and said,  “Just ask me so I can say yes.”

      “Will you be my girlfriend?” I hugged him, implying of course I wanted to be his girlfriend. My nervous feelings quickly became happy feelings. He took my hand and led me back in to the main room, and we resumed our dancing and enjoyed the rest of the party.

      The next weekend Mark asked me on our first official date. It soon became our weekly routine. He would call and ask me what movie I wanted to see, we would choose a movie and meet on Shattuck Avenue around 8 pm. For our first date, my parents dropped Carrie, Kirsten, and I in front of the Landmark Theaters. Mark, Joey and Cooper stood there waiting for us. We bought our tickets for Minority Report and went in to the movie theater.  As we walked to the back of the theater I realized that the back was where the “mature” eighth graders sat. I sat on the end seat next to Mark. Once again my heart was racing. I was happier than ever sitting next to my new boyfriend. Mark put his hand on mine; I took a deep breath and clasped my hand into his. It was my first time being so affectionate with a boy. I was anxious; I had so many thoughts going through my head. Would we kiss? Would he lean in? Or should I? Before I knew it, Mark leaned in and kissed me. It was the most magical and special first kiss. Carrie looked over and smiled at me, she made me giggle and a little embarrassed. The movie definitely wasn’t my first choice, but thankfully I was pretty distracted and did not mind the violence or the horrible science fiction movie we had ended up watching.

      Mark called me that night to say our habitual “good night” which sometimes turned into three-hour conversations. The littlest things Mark did made me feel so special. We could talk about anything; I could just lie in bed and contently fall asleep to his voice. Unlike some eighth graders, Mark and I could have deep and intellectual conversations, too. Mark’s interest in baseball and music often came up, but as well as his unique life story. Mark was adopted as a baby, and his parents that adopted him got divorced and both remarried. Mark didn’t let his past make any obstacles for him. He strived in baseball and created an escape from life in his music. He is also has a sense of humor, that some find offensive, but he seems to balance his joking side with his serious side. I sometimes would forget we were only in eighth grade because of how much I liked him. Until we got caught up in our relationship and Mark got a little scared.

      One night at Stephanie’s house, all the girls and I were having a sleepover, like we did every weekend. Mark called me on my cool, light up, Nokia cell phone. I picked up the phone and immediately could tell something was a little off. Mark wasn’t acting himself; he had his serious tone of voice. He said we needed to talk, which was never something good. Mark without much build up began to explain to me how he thought we were getting too, serious. He went on about how we needed to realize that we were only in eighth grade.  I began to tear up, I had nothing to say in return, he was breaking my heart. We talked for an hour, mostly him trying to communicate that he still wanted to be friends. But every girl knows that a boy has to say that when he breaks up with you.  I just didn’t know what to say in response. Erin ended up taking the phone from me and began telling Mark a bunch of crap. As much as she was trying to be supportive, she only made things worse at the time. I sat by Stephanie’s window, shedding tears like never before. The rain was coming down as hard as my tears were. It was almost a message from God that he was crying with me. My amazing friends were consoling and calming me down. I felt so bad I had ruined their night; rather Mark had ruined their night. The girls finally got me to go to bed where I couldn’t fall asleep, I just laid there with tears coming down my face. I couldn’t believe that Mark had such an affect on me.

      I finally fell asleep, and in no time woke up the next morning. The sun was shining bright unlike the night before. My cell phone rang early and I looked over to pick it up and saw “Private Number” calling. It could have been either my house or Mark calling; I answered the phone with a yawn,

      “Hello?”

      “Hey it’s Mark” I heard on the other line. I was confused, why was he calling the morning after he had just broken up with me. Mark went right into saying,

      “I was thinking more about last night and I don’t really mean what I said, I still want to be with you.” I smiled, and couldn’t stop smiling.

      “Just promise me you won’t hurt me again like last night.” I said in my tired voice. My friends were lying next to me eagerly waiting to hear what Mark had said. After last night they probably would not have expected for him to make me smile. I explained to them what Mark said, and how he still really likes me. They were so happy and supportive of me. The night, although emotional and draining, made Mark and I become even closer. 

      Mark and I often went to movies for our dates.  After one movie we saw with our friends Kirsten and her boyfriend Brandon we were waiting on Shattuck to get picked up by our parents. As we were waiting a couple of midgets walked by and for some reason really struck laughter between Brandon and Mark. They couldn’t stop laughing, to a point where Kirsten and I were so embarrassed. We tried walking away from them, but it didn’t stop them. The way Brandon and Mark laughed sounded so funny, like little girls. Kirsten and I started to crack up, and it went all downhill from there. As much as making fun of people is extremely mean, it was these times that I loved so much about Mark, we could just laugh for hours.

      A month later Mark invited me to his Valentine’s Day dance. Since I went to Adam’s Middle School and Mark went to Prospect Sierra, I had to be specially invited. I was really excited for the dance. I bought a special pink shirt with slits and rhinestones across the chest. I anticipated an amazing night.  I showed up with the usual girls— Erin, Kirsten, Stephanie, and Lizzy. Coincidentally we all were couples of the night, Erin and Joseph, Stephanie and Kevin, Kirsten and Brandon, and Lizzy and J.D. As I anticipated, the night began pretty romantic. The night didn’t end up so romantic. Mark didn’t show any appreciation for the Nappy Roots album; I had taken time to pick out for him. He had given no thought in to the ugly multi-colored bear that he probably he bought from Safeway right before the dance. He barely danced with me and for that matter he barely even talked to me. My jealousy issues were really bad when Kirsten told me about the letter. Brandon wrote Kirsten a love letter telling her for the first time he loved her. I didn’t get a letter from Mark, not even the littlest amount of attention. He ruined the dance, Valentine’s Day, and hurt my feelings.

      Days later Mark did it once again; he started his conversation off with a “we need to talk”, always a bad conversation. I could not understand what went through his mind, how he could go back and forth all the time. It felt as if he didn’t care at all about my feelings, and only about his. It was always about his schedule— he called me, he told me when he wanted to hang out. It was also hard because his mom didn’t think we were old enough to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I once wrote him a note and on it I wrote “Allie + Mark = Love.” Mark’s mom found the note in his jean pocket as she was doing the laundry. To this day she still reminds me of that instance. And to this day I am still embarrassed that she found it.  Our conversation ended up as I had thought; with his excessive amount of control he ended things once again. I didn’t know if things would be over for real this time.

      It was hard to sometimes comprehend the amount of control this youthful soul who had no intentions of hurting me could have. The littlest things would hurt my feelings. I would take everything Mark said straight to the heart and create worse case scenario in my head. One night when I slept at Stephanie’s house, Mark went to a movie with some of his friends. Just a movie with some friends, but that wasn’t my reaction at the time. I was so paranoid; I was jumping to conclusions, freaking out that he was flirting with other girls, worrying about who he was sitting next to, all ridiculous things. My friends tried telling me I had nothing to worry about, but I didn’t even trust them at the time. Like always I took it out on my friends, being upset and venting to them. But once again they were very supportive and understanding.

      Mark took a couple weeks off from calling me every day. I missed him, I missed his phone calls, and I missed his daily "check ins". It wasn’t long until he restarted his habit. It was Thanksgiving morning; my mom and I were making Potato Latkes. I heard my cell phone go off, I ran to my room to see who would be calling so early on Thanksgiving morning. It happened to be the one and only, Mark. I hadn’t talked to him for weeks, my stomach dropped and I answered the phone with excitement in my voice.

      “Hey, what’s up?” Mark said as if it hadn’t been two weeks.

      “Hey, long time no talk…” I said to push his buttons.

      “Yeah,” he said awkwardly. “What are you doing?”

      “My mom and I are making Latkes.”

      “What? Is it Hanukah in your house?” Mark asked, trying to be funny. I laughed,

      “No just Turkey Day, but can I call you later.” I ended the conversation, not really planning on calling him back. I had expected Mark would call me again before I needed to worry about calling him. I was right, he called, and this time he asked to hang out on Saturday.

      Saturday afternoon, I got ready to go see Mark. I tried not to get too dressed up for him, I wanted to be comfortable, and myself. My mom took me over to his house in Oakland, complaining the whole way. She lectured me for so long about how she hated driving me around, and how she was looking forward to me driving.

      My mom was always a huge supporter of everything I did: softball, dance, school, everything even Mark. Although my mom didn’t really like Mark, she still supported me in our relationship. Any mother would say that no boy is good enough for their daughter, but my mom truly believed it. She always seemed to find the worst things to say about him when I brought him up. I always found myself defending Mark, and explaining why I liked him so much. My mom’s approval is very important to me, so I tried my best to find good reasons. When it came down to it, it didn’t matter to me what everyone thought of Mark. As much as I respected my family and friend’s opinion, they didn’t know him the way I did. Even though at times it was painful, I made it work with Mark.

      Today, every time I look at the clock I see, 10:23, which happens also to be Mark’s birthday, October 23rd.  Coincidence? I wonder if it is, I wonder if when I am thinking about him and then he calls, if that’s a coincidence or when I think he’ll cancel on our plans and he does, if that’s a coincidence. Mark and I have not been together since the end of eighth grade. Yet, we have stayed such good friends. We have grown so much, both together and individually. I have been able to see Mark transform, and develop from an innocent thirteen year old to an assured eighteen year old. After our eight month “on and off” relationship, Mark and I were not friends at first. The friendship we have built took time, effort and hope. To this day he still has too much control over me. During our relationship, it was always Mark breaking up with me, making me cry, hurting my feelings. He still does the same things. Even though we aren’t together Mark has the same effect on me. The smallest thing he does bothers me. If Mark cancels, I’ll freak out, if he doesn’t respond to my text message I’ll freak out, or if he’s short on instant message I’ll freak out. I don’t like that the little things bother me, I try and explain to myself that he’s just a friend, and that there’s no reason to worry so much. It was hard to believe myself at times.

      Mark’s friendship means the world to me. Not many people can truly say and mean they would do anything for a friend, but I can. I can say that I would do anything for Mark. I would go pick up Mark at the Macarthur Bart station, even if I am going in the complete opposite direction, I will go pick him up from his mom’s house in Oakland and bring him to his dad’s house in Albany. If Mark ever called me with anything, I would be there for him. I couldn’t say that about many other people.

      My friendship with Mark is unique; we know each other really well. We know how to piss each other off; we know how to make each other smile. We share a lot of the same morals, and beliefs and can relate to each other on a lot of different levels, such as school, religion, and even relationships. We can sit in my car till two o’clock in the morning talking about absolutely anything. It’s amazing how from one second to the next we can be yelling at each other and then be all of a sudden be laughing. We’ve gotten pretty good at balancing the two extremes.

      Since right now Mark and I are just friends I have learned to be content with our relationship. I have accepted the fact that I cannot live in the past and that I have to move on. As hard as it is I am doing my best. Although it has taken time to realize that our friendship means so much more to me than our romantic relationship, I have.

      Mark has given so much to who I have become. He has played such an important role in my life, as a boyfriend, an ex-boyfriend and now as a best friend. I appreciate Mark for who he is and what he has helped me learn about myself. I value our friendship. He has given me so much, he has  helped me understand my possibilities.

      One vision I have is my senior prom night. Ever since eighth grade I have pictured Mark and I at prom together. My dress matching his tuxedo, my beautiful corsage and his elegant boutonnière, our stretch limousine dropping us off in front of prom and then the hotel to end the magical night. A girl can always dream.