On Letting Go

by Jeff Lievense

"We're moving to California."

"Wait….what!??!" My jaw dropped. "But we're supposed to stay here until I graduate!!!!" It was spring of my junior year. My dad had gotten a new job in Emeryville a little over a year before. My mom and I were supposed to stay in Illinois until I graduated, then I would go off to college and she would go live with dad. That was the plan. It seemed foolproof. I started thinking though. How many times had I stormed into my room in the past week alone, violently slamming the door behind me? I hadn't slammed the door since I was thirteen. It was no secret that my mom and I weren't really getting along but I thought things would be ok until I graduated. I guess I was wrong.

I could tell my mom was sorry that my life was getting yanked out from under me but she didn't try to hide her happiness. "Look, I'm sorry, I know this isn't how things were supposed to pan out but I can't take it anymore. I thought we would be able to live separately but I miss your dad. He misses us, and even if you won't admit it, you miss having him around," she said. I nodded silently, knowing everything she said was true, but I didn't want to accept it. How do I tell this to my friends? I thought. Am I going to have to start over?

I went upstairs to my room and sat on the corner of my bed. It felt like a dream. A bad dream. I looked around my room: the posters I had accumulated since the sixth grade were so perfectly arranged, would I be able to replicate this in our new house? Were we even going to have a house? Would we live in an apartment? It was too much to think about all at once. I went to my desk and finished my homework then went to bed without a word to my mom.

The next morning was no different. I got up, showered, got ready for school and left. No interaction with mom. The seven mile drive to school seemed like 700 miles- I felt like if I didn't break the news to my friends, it wouldn't really happen. Oddly enough, I made it through lunch without acting too out-of-the-ordinary. But by the time seventh period rolled around, I turned to my friend Matt, who had been my best friend since he moved to Decatur from Missouri in second grade, and said, "Dude, we're moving in with my dad.."

"Hahahah, nice try Jeff, you already tried that one last year." He returned to his spanish homework, chuckling a little. I don't know why, but I started laughing! The situation was suddenly genuinely funny. "See!? You can't even keep a straight face!"

"No!! Hahaha I'm serious!!!!" I said, laughing all the while. "Honestly. I don't know what's so funny about this but we're really moving." I sobered up a bit and tried to emphasize my point. "Ok. No more laughing. I'm not kidding dude, we're moving to Emeryville. My mom and I have really been getting into it lately and it's just been shitty at home. I guess she talked to my dad last night and we're moving. That's it."

He stopped laughing and turned around. "Cole, do you know if he's being serious?" Cole was another good friend of mine, and our moms were really close.

"Uhhh…. I don't think he's joking.. I heard my mom on the phone with his mom this morning. Jeff, I was gonna ask you about that… Are you really moving?" Suddenly, other people started joining in the conversation. "Wait, Jeff's moving?" "Nuh uh! I thought you were staying through next year?" "When did this happen?" Of all things, I felt embarrassed for some reason. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it anymore. "Yeah…We're moving this summer…" I muttered. I don't really remember much from the rest of that day. It was a blur of people asking if I was really moving and me nodding in confirmation.

The next couple of weeks were the same. For some reason, nobody believed I was moving unless they heard it from me. It was really annoying, having all these people that I didn't even talk to normally beleaguering me with questions. Why did they care? I had never been particularly popular or anything, but apparently moving to California gets you thrown into the spotlight.

Eventually, the buzz died down. Something bigger and better occurred, and everything returned to normal. Except for my friends, that is. They always wanted to hang out, go out to eat after school, it was pretty nice. Sometimes we would just drive around aimlessly, shooting the shit, looking for new places to explore.

One thing really bothered me though- my absolute best friend, in fact the first friend I had in the state of Illinois, was missing from most of these expeditions. Evan and I met in preschool and we were practically inseparable until high school. We still hung out all the time but we definitely developed separate interests. Anyway, he always had excuses for why he couldn't hang out during my last few months there. He had to babysit his brothers. He already had plans with his new group of friends (freshmen!!???!?). He had to go do freelance work with his uncle. Seriously? Freelance work with his uncle?

Even now I like to think that he was avoiding me because he didn't want to go through the whole goodbye process, but I know that's not what was up. It had become really evident our junior year- Evan got really bored with people. I didn't think it would happen with me since we had been friends for, oh, I don't know, thirteen years or so? But it did. He stopped responding to my texts and calls. I even went as far as going to his house to pick him up when Matt and I were going to Springfield for the day- it was a little road trip the three of us had frequented since I got my license.

I remember ringing the doorbell, hearing his dog Rocky barking like a rabid wolf. Nothing out of the usual. His mom answered the door and looked like she was seeing a ghost. "Jeffrey! Haven't seen you around here for a while. Are you here for Evan? He's up in his room." I nodded, smiled, kicked of my shoes and went upstairs. I opened the door to Evan's room to find him sitting in front of the computer, no surprise. "Hey, we're going to Springfield. Let's go!"

"Errm, I don't wanna go. I just made plans. If I knew you were coming maybe I would've gone. Sorry."

"I texted you an hour ago." I pulled out my phone and showed him the sent message. "See? C'mon dude, I'm moving and you've been hiding for some reason or another. For old times' sake, let's go." He didn't budge. He just looked up at me with the most apathetic stare I've ever seen. "Seriously?" I couldn't believe it! "And you're blowing off your friend of 13 years for……….?"

"I'm going to the mall with Hannah."

"Oh, you've GOT to be fucking kidding me! You go to the mall every damn day! And with Hannah?! She's a freshman! You've known her for, what, less than 6 months? " I was furious.

"So? We made plans, and I'm honoring them."

"Evan Marin, honoring plans, yeah, good one." I gave him one last look of disgust and stormed out of the room. I think his mom may have said something to me on the way out but I wasn't in the mood to talk to her. Matt was sitting on the hood of my car, looking very impatient.

"Is he coming, or what?" he said. I didn't respond. "Jeff. Is Evan coming?" I looked up at him and shook my head. Come on now, don't tear up. Sure we were friends since…forever, but don't be such a little girl about it! I shook it off.

"No. No he's not. He's going to the mall with Hannah."

"Awww dude, no! That freshman who always looks like she's been crying all day?" Matt was disappointed, but he still wanted to go to Springfield. "Oh well, it's not like he's crucial to this plan anyways. Let's go." He slid off the front of the car and climbed in the passenger door. I lumbered to the driver's side, got in, and turned the key. I slowly backed out of the driveway, looking both ways for oncoming traffic, and headed north.

"Wait, where are we going? The interstate's the other way…" Matt was confused. I had decided that I wasn't going anymore, but I hadn't said anything.

"I'm not up for it anymore, sorry dude. Is it cool if I drop you off at home?"

"Uhh… I guess… You don't wanna hang out or anything?"

"No man, not today. I'm not feelin' so hot all the sudden. Maybe tomorrow. We can get Brock and Blake to go if you still want to. "

"Ok. Well, text me later if you wanna play Smash Bros. online or something. I'll be bored, that trip was my plan for the day." He added a sarcastic blameful tone to that last bit.

"Hah. I'm really sorry dude. We'll go tomorrow." We got to his house. He got out, and I drove home. I walked in the door and went straight up to my room. I really hadn't talked to my mom much since she dropped the bomb on me and I wasn't going to break that dry spell with heavy news like this.

Days went by. Brock, Blake, Matt, and I went to Springfield, ate some Chipotle, went to some cool parks, played a lot of video games, stayed up late doing nothing, but still no word from Evan. Brock took it upon himself to monitor Evan's social networking. It was really funny to me- I thought I had put up a pretty good facade of apathy, but Brock saw right through it. Kid could always read me like a book. Anyway, from constant Facebook/MySpace stalking, Brock found out that instead of hanging out with us and making my last weeks in town a blast, Evan had been walking around the mall almost every day with a different group of freshmen girls. At that point, I really started not to care. It was so disappointing, that this kid who I truly considered to be my best friend, was bored of me and couldn't see me off.

Here I am, almost six months later, starting to care again. It's strange how something so seemingly small can gnaw at your brain for so long. I plan on going back for a visit this spring, maybe he'll decide to let me know what happened, maybe not. I guess I'll find out.