My New Beginning

by Sara Guererro-Gonzalez

“Everyone please quiet down,” said Mr. Williams as he stood up from his chair that foggy morning. It was a third period in late April of 2006. I was getting ready to graduate from Middle School, and juiced to start out my life in High School. I remember the day like it was yesterday.

“Open your books to page 354,” Mr. Williams said, as I turned around from talking to my friend. My cell phone rang, and I looked at the screen to see it was my Dad. He normally calls my to take me out to lunch but he didn’t mention that morning if he was going to have time to go with me. Suddenly, I felt really anxious to know why he had called me. Nervously, I was about to ask Mr. Williams for permission to go to the bathroom, to call my Dad.

Abruptly, the class phone rings and my hand drops, and a striking feeling travels from my legs up to my heart, causing some how my eyes to water. At that moment, my teacher turns around and looks me straight in the eyes his complexion falling pail.

My body jets out of the class down the hall to the main office, with every second my heart beating fast. Opening the doors I collide head on with my Dad. His skin was pail, and his facial expression was sad. One word came out of my mouth, “Mom?” He replied slowly, “She’s at home packing, grandma passed away.” I felt a rush of tears and unexpectedly my body began to swift loosely. I forgot about my surroundings as my body drifted. My Dad caught me and slowly walked me with the little force I had to the car. We arrived to the car and slowly moved myself in to it to sit down. I could hear my Dad speaking but it felt like he was talking from a far away distance.

The whole ride home, flash backs of my Grandma appeared and reappeared in my mind. “Tari vamos a comprar al centro” my grandma’s voice would flout in to my mind, “No le digas a tu mama,” with a victorious laughter at the end. She always wanted to lead me on adventures. That time she wanted me to go with her to the mall without telling my Mom. When we got home that day it appeared like my Grandma was my accomplice, not my roll model. Most of what I know today about life was thanks to her and my Mom.

Tears rolled down my face, turning cold as they hit my chin. My Dad was still talking but I couldn’t hear his voice. I remember one night when I couldn’t sleep, so she told me to come and sleep with her. “Venga para que duermas conmigo Tari,” my Grandma’s voice began running through my head.

When I got home and saw my Mom’s face, I automatically stopped crying. Slowly I took off my seat belt and opened the door. I walked to the top of the stairs and embraced my Mom. Her body slowly fell into position with mine, like if we were one entity, my Grandma. Holding my Mom, I told my brother to get her things ready. I walked my Mom to the couch so she could sit. Letting her go was hard, but slowly I loosened her grasp on me and put her arms around my Dad so he can try to calm her down.

When my Mom found out about my Grandma earlier that morning, she called my dad and he called the airline service requesting two airplane tickets. For a moment I looked at my Dad, and that’s when I finally understood his words, “You’re going with your mom.” No more tears came from my eyes for the sake of my Mom.

In reaction, I went to my room and in a duffle bag I put; 4 jeans, all my underwear, bras, and socks, 10 shirts, a quilt that I was working on, but most importantly a black skirt and blouse. In my school backpack that I had dumped everything out of, I had; my Mom’s medicine, our tooth brushes and tooth paste, pads, perfume, deodorant, brush, a bottle of cream, shampoo, conditioner, and a fanny pack that had; our passports and all identification that could be found. My Dad handed me an envelope with 1000 dollars and told me to call him every night. I put it in my bag and began to stuff everything in the car. Standing on the sidewalk, I found myself starring at my house remembering the reason we had left on this trip the last time.

Then my Dad came outside and told me to pack my Mom’s bags. I ran in and put in a suit case; 2 suits, 3 pairs of pants, 8 blouses, all her socks, bras, and underwear, other things I knew she would need, and a black suit with a black with silver lining blouse. I put her suitcase in the car and went to get my Mom. Slowly I walked her over to the car so that we could go on our way. Before I got in, I looked at my house knowing that when I got back nothing would be the same.

All the way to the airport, once again I was closed off. I heard my brother talking to me from a far away distance, saying something about calling my other brother in Davis. Suddenly, I remembered that I still had a life to attend to, so I took out my phone and texted my boyfriend to tell him that I was leaving. He asked me when I’d be back and I told him I didn’t know, and that I was going to miss him. Right after I texted him I turned off my phone, disconnecting myself from my old life.

. Again my Grandma’s voice started knocking its way in. “Tari venga, vamous hacer una torta de melhojas para tu papi y mami cuando llegen.” That day, my parents were on vacation and she wanted to surprise them with a cake made by us. Images of her face, and her laugh crossed my vision. I reached out hoping I could touch her but only found air. I felt an overwhelming depression but was then comforted by a mysterious security.

We arrived to the airport and began to take down the bags. My body was functioning but my brain wasn’t. The airport intercom beeped twice and said, “Flight B607 to Chile baggage check-in now open.” I snapped back into life and walked into the line that many people were heading toward. We only had my duffle bag and my Mom’s suitcase.

I put everything on the scale and gave the attendant my Mom’s and my ID. My Mom was in no conditions to deal with this so I took care of it for her. After we both were checked in, we waited behind the security check until 30 minutes before entering the gates. I was sitting again unable to function while my brother was talking to me endlessly about something. Remembering the last time I was here, the excitement about the moment, I felt deprived of happiness. Suddenly I remembered how opposite this moment felt years ago. Sitting there, I remembered how I couldn’t wait to get off the plane to see my Grandma.

Time passed rapidly and we had to pass security check now. We walked over and I told my brother to be careful and make sure that he gets everything together for his graduation that June from High School. My Dad hugged my Mom, trying to calm her down. Finally I was able to say bye to my Dad. “Take care of your Mom, you know her better then anyone. I will call you every night or you call me.” We passed security and waved back to my brother and Dad. Watching them for the first time I noticed the hurt feeling in my Brother’s eyes. I grabbed my Moms hand and pulled her to our gate. They had already called everyone to board so I got our boarding passes out and gave them to the attendant. We walked on the platform and as I looked back I felt that something was wrong, that something was going to change.

We got on the plane and sat in our seats. The sun was bright in the sky when we began to take off. My mom was in the window seat. Her eyes were cherry red from all the crying, but when the sun hit them they sparkled and glittered like diamonds. They looked amazing, they looked serene, they looked like my Grandma’s.

A few hours later, the flight attendant brought everyone dinner, but my Mom refused to eat. I encouraged her to eat even the slightest bit. In the end she got hungry and finished it off herself.

It was 12 a.m. and my Mom was still awake from the depression, and I was trying to sleep. We had 8 hours to get there. An idea came up and I told my Mom that I was going to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Taking our bag, I slowly walked to the flight attendant and asked her if I could have a yogurt. I took it into the bathroom and opened it. In the bathroom, I took out my Mom’s medicine and opened a bottle of her sleeping pills. Crushing one up into powder, someone knocks on the door. Quickly I put it in the yogurt and brush my teeth. Opening the door was a lady which frightened me. I walked passed to get to my seat. Arriving to my seat, I showed my Mom her yogurt, but she didn’t know it was hers. I asked her if she wanted some and slowly, bit by bit, I got her to finish it. 30 minutes later she was finally deep asleep.

I was starting to fall asleep when I heard my grandmothers voice say, “don’t worry it will be alright.” Suddenly, warmth passed my body causing me to dose off until 7 a.m. in the morning. When I awoke, there was an hour left until landing. The attendant was going around with breakfast. I asked her for; eggs, hash browns, and sausage with a croissant for me and my mom. To drink I got 2 glasses of orange juice, warm milk, and tea for my mom.

Slowly rubbing my Mom’s arm, I woke up my Mom and smiled. She smiled back as I handed her the orange juice. We eat breakfast and the captain announced that their was 15 minutes for landing. I looked out the window and was able to finally see Chile. I handed the attendant all of the trays and glasses to clear up our open tables. The plane shook as the landing wheels touched the ground. I grab my Mom’s hand and squeezed it tight during landing. We landed and my Mom pulled me as quickly as possible to get off the plane.

We headed to baggage claim, picked up our suit cases, and headed straight to security check. Looking at my Mom’s desperation to get out of her, I told her to hear through and that I would take care of the rest. Moving closer to the exit, I saw my aunts and uncles waiting for us by the gate. I slowly walked over to where they all are hugging unsure of what to do or say. Remembering when we were in this exact place the last time stopped my heart.

My Grandma was their waiting for us with everyone else the last time. I would run into her arms and she would hug me so tight that I couldn’t breath. The way her eyes glittered when she saw my Mom coming right behind me would make me smile and feel complete. They would hug and kiss for ever in happiness.

We got to my Grandma’s house and my Mom wanted to go straight to where my Grandma was so she left 2 minutes later with my aunts and uncles. As they were leaving, I got everything else out of the car. I walked down to where they were a few minutes later. Slowly, I remembered the trails that my Grandma and I would take. I remembered walking down holding my Grandma’s arm. We would finally get to the store and where she would tell me what to pick out for the groceries while she sat down and watched me.

I arrived to the church and saw people I hadn’t seen since they were two feet shorter. Even one lady who was crying asked me if I knew who it was. That lady was my cousin who hadn’t recognized me and was carrying a baby. She was 19 years old. I looked around and saw so many people, around 150 including family, friends and people I didn’t even know. I didn’t say hello to anyone or made any signals that I was actually here. Hyperventilation controlled my body so I sat by a slide set for around an hour. I didn’t have the strength to go in. A lady tall, slim and familiar walked up to me. I hadn’t cried since I got out of my Dad’s car back home. She looked at me and with her hand slowly raised my face to her eye site. My eyes began to water and my anguish began to burst. She kneeled and hugged me tight as I started to cry. It was my cousin.

She pulled me to my feet and held me around her waist. Together we walked into the area where they had my grandma. I saw her and with my finger slowly outlined her face on the glass above her. Sounds of her voice babbled in my thoughts. Images of her face clocked in and out of my mind. Memories of her laugh jingled my heart. Slowly it was all coming back to me, my past. My Mom hugged me and slowly in my ear, “You are the only thing I have left to remind me of her.” I took off a bracelet that I had and laid it next to her hand. It was the last time I saw her.

We went to the funeral and I wore the black skirt and shirt that I had packed, and my Mom with her black suit. At the funeral I didn’t cry nor react to the procession. Everyone had left except me. I sat there next to her and began to cry. I argued on why she had left me without a warning or a goodbye. I grabbed two red Carnations, her favorite flower, and laid one next to her, kissed her coffin and left.

We drove back home and a week later we were on our plane back to our real home. Both of my brothers and Dad were waiting for us. I hugged them and got everything to head home. When I got home, I locked myself in my room and stared at a picture of my Grandma. I threw everything off my dresser and put the picture of my Grandma there. I went into my duffle bag and took out a box with the other Carnation, and put it right where it was supposed to be. Next to my Grandma. I lit a candle next to her and laid on my bed staring at it. My eyes began to close slowly and I was in a shallow sleep. Then I heard her voice for the last time. “Siempre estare contigo, nunca lo olvides, buenas noches.” Her words “I would always be with me”, spread around my heart covering the holes that she had left in me. Warmth on my cheek and a tear rolled down my eye as I feel deeply asleep.

The next morning the candle had blown out and there was a note next to her picture. “Siempre te voy a quirer, mi Tarita. Tu Abuelita.” I looked at it, “I will always love you, Grandma,” kissed it and put it behind the picture, in the picture frame. My life had changed into a new beginning. A beginning where I had the strength, and the weakness was never near. Beginnings were everything my Grandma taught me in life I would use for the first time. Beginnings were my Mom became my Grandma, and I became my Mom. My new beginning of reason.