Cops and Mob Bosses

by Kevin Yu

Characters:

Don Gorlami: A mobs boss that is part of the mafia. He is suspicious looking, sly, and is prone to perform criminal activities. He wears a black suite and expensive accessories. Has a slight Italian accent. When imagining him, there should be loud trumpet music playing in your head.

Officer Sherry: A secretary at the police station in charge of managing claims. She is indifferent about people’s concerns. She is impatient and has a slight attitude.

Old lady: An old lady who is making complaining about her neighbors having their lights on past 9:00, preventing her from going to sleep.

Mr. Goldberg: A victim of the mob, going to the police station for protection in exchange to testify against the mob boss but epically fails.

Officer Carl: Another cop.

Setting:

Officer Sherry is sitting behind a desk at the police station. Don Gorlami enters the station and walks up to her adjusting his collar. Officer speaks to him without looking up.

Officer Sherry: Yes?

Don Gorlami: Hi, I was wondering if you could help me find someone. He was a dear friend of mine and I have been stricken with grief with the loss of him.

Officer Sherry: (shoves a set of forms out from under her desk) Fill out these forms to file a missing person’s report.

Don Gorlami: I’m afraid my friend is not a person. Although he is a very important member of my family and my best friend, he is a cat. His name is Mr. Fuzzy.

Officer Sherry: Sir, I am afraid we are not in charge of missing pets. However, if someone reports a wandering cat we will give you a call.

Don Gorlami: Perhaps you don’t understand. Mr. Fuzzy is the most important thing to me. Since the day he was missing I have been stricken with worry. I cry at the mere thought that my best friend is wandering the cold streets alone. Will you please send a team to search for him?

Officer Sherry: (pauses to take a long look at him) You look very familiar. I’ve seen you on TV or something.

Don Gorlami: You must be mistaken. I don’t believe we have ever met, and I never forget a face.

Officer Sherry: Well anyways, I don’t think we can dispatch a whole team to find your cat, sir. You can leave your name, phone number, and address and we will do our best to find him.

Don Gorlami: I’m afraid I can’ do that. I don’t like giving my personal information out to strangers. Business reasons.

Officer Sherry: Well sir, than there is nothing I can do. Next!

(An old lady walks up to the desk. The Don doesn’t move)

Old lady: Hello Officer. I have a complaint I would like to file on my neighbors. Every night when I am trying to go to sleep at nine, there is this intense glare coming from their house. I’ve tried shutting my blinds, putting on a blindfold, but the light is just so bright. Those darn kids need to shut their lights off.

Officer Sherry: If you would like to file a complaint please fill out these forms.

(Hands her forms)

Don Gorlami: Lady, would you wait your turn please. Officer, maybe you need a little more persuasion. I can help you out if you help me out. What do you say?

Officer Sherry: Please sir, I’m helping out another person right now.

Old lady: Excuse me officer, can you help me with these forms. They are just so hard to read.

Don Gorlami: (looks at the old lady) Maybe I can give you a hand. Where do you live?

Old lady: 435 Pine Street.

Don Gorlami: I’ll bring some of my boys over to talk to your neighbors. I promise, they’s won’t be bothering you’s no more.

Old lady: Oh my, that would be awfully nice of you, young man. What’s your name?

Don Gorlami: None of your business. (Turns back towards Officer Sherry) So, you ready to give me a hand now or what?

Officer Sherry: Sigh… alright, can you describe your cat to me?

Don Gorlami: Well, Mr. Fuzzy was a fairly sly cat. I would often see him lurking around in shady areas like in the garage or attic, but you didn’t hear that from me.

Officer Sherry: Any physical descriptions?

Don Gorlami: He has white fur, and a fat poufy tail like a squirrel. Oh just thinking about him makes me sad. I remembah he used to chase down rats and make them squeal. He really took after his master. I remember how I used to take him with me on drug runs and hits on some- I mean walks. Long walks in the park.

Officer Sherry: Ok… is there any reason the cat would have ran away? Have you ever abused or hurt the animal before?

Don Gorlami: No way. I would never hurt that cat. Although, there was this one time when I caught him steeling food from the fridge. I had to teach him a lesson, so I blew up his litter box with some c4. In retrospect, that was kinda stupid on my part.

Officer Sherry: Do you suspect anyone of taking or stealing your cat?

Don Gorlami: Hmmm… there are a few people who may have it out for my cat. There was that one guy who I had one of his horses head cut off and placed in his bed. He was probably mad about that.

Officer Sherry: Why did you cut his horse’s head off?

Don Gorlami: I thought he was being unreasonable with me, so I had to persuade him. Plus, the horse looked like it was going to attack me, or something. Anyways, I don’t think he took my cat. Especially after what I did to that guy who lost my cat the first time.

Officer Sherry: And what exactly did you do?

Don Gorlami: Lets just say he’s feeding the guppies at the bottom of the lake.

Officer Sherry: What?!

Don Gorlami: Yea, I fired him and he got a job as a wildlife conservationist at the lake. He feeds the endangered guppies.

Officer Sherry: Ok, I’m going to run these notes through some other officers and we will see what we can do. (Officer Sherry steps out for a few minutes). (The Don takes out a cigar and lights it in a very gangster like manner). (Officer Sherry walks back in) Sir, you’re not aloud to smoke in here.

Don Gorlami: Fugetaboutit!

Officer Sherry: what?

Don Gorlami: I mean…sorry, I’ll put it out. So what’s the dealio?

Officer Sherry: After discussing your case with a few people, we have decided that your best course of action is to post up flyers and offer a ten dollar reward.

Don Gorlami: you gotta be kidding me.

Officer Sherry: I’m sorry sir but you will have to move aside for the next person in line.

(Mr. Goldberg walks in)

Mr. Goldberg: Hi…um…I would like to…um…I need some help. I think I’m…um…being targeted by the…um…

Officer Sherry: Sir, you are going to have to speak up louder.

Mr. Goldberg: Uh…I would like to testify against the…um…the…(sees the Don) Oh crap!

Don Gorlami: Well what do you know? It’s Mr. Goldberg! How have you been buddy? He’s an old friend of mine.

Mr. Goldberg: Oh god! Please, help me!

Don Gorlami: Oh, you’re such a joker. Quit kidding around, you’ll make the nice officer upset. We don’t want that do we? (He wraps his arm around Mr. Goldberg and starts pushing him towards the exit) Me and my friend got some catching up to do. It will only take a sec.

Mr. Goldberg: no…please don’t…(the Don exits with Mr. Goldberg. You hear screaming and hitting outside. The Don reenters a few minutes later)

Don Gorlami: Real nice guy, that one is. So where were we?

Officer Sherry: Sir, this is getting ridiculous. I’ve told you that there is nothing more we can do to find your cat. You need to either look for the cat yourself or accept the fact that your cat is lost.

Don Gorlami: but Mr. Fluffy is the most important thing in my life. I don’t think I will be able to go on in life without it. I’m lost without him. Lost I say.

Officer Sherry: This is a police station! We deal with real criminals, murders, robberies, drug dealers….we do not have time for your stupid pet issues. There is probably some guy running around the streets robbing people and we can’t do something about it because I’m stuck here dealing with you.

Don Gorlami: Don’t worry about that, my street muggers are on vacation this week.

Officer Sherry: Wait a minute… I think I remember you now.

Don Gorlami: Nah, I told you. I’ve never seen you before in my life.

Officer Sherry: You were on the news. I read a report written about you. You’re…you’re-

Officer Carl: (bursts into the room)Look who I found! (Holds out a white cat)

Don Gorlami: Mr. Fluffy! Is it really you? (Cat meows) This is the happiest day of my life. (sniff) I’m cryin’ over here.

Officer Carl: I found him wandering around on a drive-by shooting crime scene.

Don Gorlami: So that’s where I left him. Thank you so much officer. I’ll be sending over the shipments soon.

Officer Carl: I… don’t know what he’s talking about. Heh…heh.

Don Gorlami: Common Mr. Fluffy. Lets go home.

(End)