Religious Convention

by Aaron Weisberg

Characters:

Joe The friend of Seeker.

Seeker: Interested in seeking new religion. Calm and relaxed.

Llama Fairway: A very calm Buddhist.

Hanuman: Upbeat with an Indian accent. He is Hindu.

Father Mary: Sounds like an intellectual. He is a Christian priest.

Rabbi Shakenshmaltz: He is a loud Jewish Rabbi.

Existinsel: Cool and relaxed. She is an Anarchist.

Setting: First scene is a spot light shining down on Seeker and Joe.

(Seeker and Joe walk on stage)

SEEKER: I don't know what to do. Every woman I meet dumps me because I don't have a religion.

JOE: You know there is a new age convention of religious leaders at Fort Mason this weekend. You should check it out.

SEEKER: Okay, I think I will.

(Lights dim. The setting changes into convention center. Llama Fairway sits behind a table. Seeker walks up to the stand.)

SEEKER: Hi.

LLAMA FAIRWAY: Hello. I am LLama Fairway.

SEEKER: I have a question for you.

LLAMA FAIRWAY: Okay.

SEEKER: If you could describe your religion with one word, what would it be?

(Pause)

LLAMA FAIRWAY: Golf.

SEEKER: Golf?

LLAMA FAIRWAY: Golf.

SEEKER: Golf?

LLAMA FAIRWAY: Yes, Golf. Do you read the newspapers.

SEEKER: Yes?

LLAMA FAIRWAY: Do you watch CNN or CBS News.

SEEKER: Yeah so?

LLAMA FAIRWAY: Tiger Woods. Isn't he married to one of the most beautiful models in Sweden.

SEEKER: Well yeah.

LLAMA FAIRWAY: Wasn't he with twelve of the most beautiful women in Las Vegas in the last three months.

SEEKER. Yeah. But uh, what does this have to do with Buddhism

LLAMA FAIRWAY: Buddhism teaches you to be one with what your doing. You become one (motion of golf swing) with the balls, and women love it.

(Pause)

SEEKER: Okay, thank you, I'll think about it

(The seeker walks in a circle looking around while Llama Fairway takes off his hat and changes signs to become the Hindu Hanuman)

SEEKER: Hi.

HANUMAN: Hello. I am Hanuman.

SEEKER: I have a single question for you.

HANUMAN: Aright.

SEEKER: If you could describe your religion with one word, what would it be?

HANUMAN: Yoga.

SEEKER: Why Yoga?

HANUMAN: Have you ever been to a Yoga class?

SEEKER: No.

HANUMAN: Well our statistics show that 60 to 70 percent of all people who attend yoga classes are women between the ages of 18 to 25.

SEEKER: Those are some pretty impressive statistics. Why do you think that is?

HANUMAN: They love doing the different positions. Have you ever seen the happy baby position? (Hanuman gets down on the floor on his back with his feet in the air. He then grabs his feet and starts rocking on his back.) That really gets the women going if you know what I mean.

SEEKER: Oh I see. Let me think about it.

(Seeker walks around in a circle while Hanuman changes hat and sign and becomes Father Mary)

SEEKER: Hi.

FATHER MARY: Hello. I am Father Mary.

SEEKER: I have a very important question to ask you.

FATHER MARY: Go ahead my son.

SEEKER: If you could describe your religion with one word, what would it be?

FATHER MARY: Well, do you read the newspapers?

SEEKER: Ye-ah.

FATHER MARY: Do you watch the news programs on T.V?

SEEKER: Ye-ah.

FATHER MARY: So what do you think the word is?

SEEKER: Molestation?

FATHER MARY: (speaks softly and seriously) No. It's not molestation. Molestation is a terrible thing. It's bad for the priest. It's terrible for the children and it's bad for the reputation of the church. The whole community suffers from it. The word is... (pause) celibacy.

SEEKER: What!? Celibacy!?

FATHER MARY: Yeah celibacy. You take vows and you become a priest. There are hundreds of gorgeous God-loving Catholic girls out there who have spent their whole lives fighting off me who want to get in their pants. One of them meets you, doing good charitable work, and starts to help you. There is an animal attraction. The tension between you becomes palpable. You can't stand to be apart. (Pause)

SEEKER: So what happens?

FATHER MARY: You resign from the church, elope, go to Club Med Alcapulco, and ten months later your a married Catholic man without a beautiful wife and a young Catholic baby.

SEEKER: Well thank you Father Mary. It's something to think about.

(The Seeker walks in another circle while Father Mary takes off hat and sign to become Rabbi Shakenshmaltz)

SEEKER: Hi

RABBI SHAKENSHMALTZ: Vutz goin on today. I'm Rabbi Shakenshmaltz.

SEEKER: Nice to meet you Rabbi... uh... I have a question for you.

RABBI SHAKENSHMALTZ: Gahead.

SEEKER: If you could describe your religion with one word, what would it be?

RABBI SHAKENSHMALTZ: Salami.

SEEKER: Huh?

RABBI SHAKENSHMALTZ: Yeah salami. (Rabbi Shakenshmaltz wips out a big salami and holds it up.) The girls love a guy with a big salami. (Moves salami sensually.)

SEEKER: That’s very interesting. I'm going to think about it.

(Seeker walks around in a circle while Rabbi Shakenshmaltz switches places with a very hot woman)

SEEKER: Who are you?

EXISTINSEL: I'm Existinsel. This is an anarchist booth. You can call me Ex for short.

SEEKER: Can you tell me about your philosophy in one word or less?

EXISTINSEL: Tell me handsome, what's your religion?

SEEKER: Well, I've been an atheist, but I'm looking around to see what people have to offer around here.

EXISTINSEL: You’re, an atheist?

SEEKER: Yeah?

EXISTINSEL: I've been looking for somebody like you all day. You want to come up to my place.

SEEKER: Sure.

(They walk off hand in hand off stage.)