Artistic Differences

by Samantha K. W.

MR HELLO – Teacher of a senior short stories class

BRODY (BRODERICK) - Student, frequently gets picked on by the teacher for outrageous ideas and distracting behavior

THOMAS - Student, friends with Brody

MARTHA- Student, overly critical

GLORIA- Student, more conservative in nature than the rest

GABRIELLA- Student, upbeat

MAGGY- Student, average disposition

MR KLUMP – Principal

Setting: Six seniors are gathered around in a circle of desks to share their comic plays for short stories class. The teacher, Mr. Hello, supervises while the students make comments on Brody’s story.

ACT 1 – SCENE 1

(All students are sitting at desks in a circle, passing out stories)

MARTHA: Who wants to go first? I vote Brody!

(Gabriella and Gloria look uncomfortable, Maggy giggles)

BRODY: Nah, my stories hella lame. I wanted to change it to something about pirates-

MARTHA: That sounds dumb.

BRODY: Or maybe alien prostitutes who invade the bodies of the guys they sleep with!

MARTHA: Much better!

GABRIELLA: I like your story the way it is now.

GLORIA: Yeah, your story is… (forced voice) funny.

(Mr. Hello comes over to the table and sits down)

MR HELLO: Don’t forget to act out each story before you discuss it. Then say what worked and what didn’t, but remember that humor is different for everyone, so try not to be too critical.

(Table nods)

MR HELLO: And I’m talking to you, Martha.

MARTHA: WHAT? All I did was tell her that no one wants to hear about her mom’s leaky endometriosis and that maybe she should change her story topic! I was being helpful.

(Maggy looks uncomfortable)

MR HELLO: (shakes finger at Martha) That kind of advice isn’t quite what I meant by constructive criticism. (leaves table)

BRODY: Alright then, I’ll be Ken.

THOMAS: I’m Barbie.

GABRIELLA: I’ll be Summer.

GLORIA: I guess I’ll be Midge.

MAGGY: Ugh, (groans) that only leaves Skipper.

MARTHA: Okay, I’ll read stage directions. Let’s start. ‘Five Barbie dolls are sitting in lawn chairs by the pool. Midge and Summer are drinking margaritas because they are over 21 and Ken, Barbie, and Skipper are all whining in the pool.’

GLORIA: (in Southern accent) I’m sorry y’all, but you are just not of legal drinking age. Summer and I promised we’d babysit for your parents and the last thing that job description entails is serving you alcohol.

THOMAS: (in an artificially high voice) But it’s my birthday! I’m now officially sixteen and all I want is one shot!

GABRIELLA: Barbie, mom and dad wouldn’t appreciate that one bit. Especially not after you got dad’s jeep towed and totaled that new pink corvette Grammy B got you.

THOMAS: (high voice) Shut the hell up, bitch! It’s your fault that car got towed and if you would have picked me up from Summer’s party, I wouldn’t have been driving drunk in the corvette.

GLORIA: (southern accent) Sweet Jesus, Barbie! (pauses and looks hesitantly down at the script, without accent) Do I really have to say this line? It’s lightweight ridiculous…

BRODY: If you want to portray my art correctly, then you won’t skip anything.

GLORIA: (sighs and resumes accent) I know I got knocked up at age nineteen by my high school boyfriend, but I never did something as stupid as that! After that story, no way am I letting you drink a drop!

THOMAS: (high voice) You’re no fun! Come on honey, (grabs Brody’s hand) let’s leave this wet blanket convention and do something bad in my bedroom.

(Mr. Hello looks over after hearing what Thomas has said and sees him and Brody holding hands)

MR HELLO: Excuse me? I thought we were supposed to be talking about our comic plays here people.

MAGGY: (Rolls eyes) We are, we’re doing Brody’s.

MR HELLO: (turns to Brody, nodding) Broderick, are you smoking the marijuana again? Do we need to have another parent teacher conference?

BRODY: No sir, I’m just sharing my feelings through my art – trying out a new form of expression.

MR HELLO: (glances over Brody’s play then puts his hands over his face and groans) I need to retire.

(Students giggle and return their attention to the play)

GLORIA: So, I think your story is really great so far. Super (pauses hesitantly) creative! I’m just not sure it’s appropriate with the underage drinking and all. Maybe you could add some more slapstick or something…

THOMAS: Slapstick? SLAPSTICK! We’re not in the 40’s Gloria – no one is going to get a laugh out of little Skipper throwing a banana peel on the floor in front of an unsuspecting Ken. Brody, I say it’s fine, but you could push the envelope so much more with these characters. How about Ken and Barbie invite some prostitutes over just to smite Midge and Summer? Or even better! They throw a whole fit about how if they can’t drink, they’ll go out and do a few lines of cocaine. Great idea, right?

BRODY: (stroking an imaginary mustache) It has potential… Tell me more.

MAGGY: Brody! You can’t actually write a story about that; it’s just plain ridiculous.

BRODY: The worst thing that could happen would be my mom reading the story and giving me grief about it and that’s not really a big issue because that’s already what happens every other time I write a story.

MARTHA: True. On the bright side, your story will never be more inappropriate than Mambo’s story about the two gangsters who got sex changes and then became stewardesses on Air Force One.

GABRIELLA: Yeah, that story was pretty boo-boo-Johnson. Mr. Hello was about to have an aneurism.

THOMAS: You guys are crazy, that story was the best. I’ve literally NEVER read a better story.

MAGGY: This coming from the guy who wrote his mystery story from the perspective of an elephant…

THOMAS: Stop getting on my case; that was a genius idea. An elephant as a detective! That would be like Sherlock Holmes but way better because (wags finger at Maggy) an elephant never forgets! Get it?

(The entire group stares at Thomas blankly)

THOMAS: Alright, I guess not.

MAGGY: I think we should move on with our discussion, Mr. Hello keeps looking over here at us.

GABRIELLA: Mk, where were we? (Looks down at Brody’s play)

GLORIA: We were at the part where Brody’s story gets completely out of hand and-

THOMAS: Shut up Gloria! Here, we’ll have Mr. Hello read it and if he says it’s fine – which he will – then you aren’t allowed to complain anymore for the rest of the week, deal?

GLORIA: (looks down) Fine, but only because I know he will agree with me. Mr. H has taste.

THOMAS: Mr. Hello, could you please come read Brody’s story and tell us if you think it is inappropriate.

MR HELLO: (picks up script and reads it with a straight face) Well Broderick, you have an abundance of profanities in this here comic play!

BRODY: Profanities? No way! It’s colloquial – that’s just how my characters speak. That’s like complaining that a mute person has an abundance of silence to offer!

MR HELLO: (Raising one eyebrow) Hardly…

BRODY: If little Barbie didn’t have a dirty mouth then she wouldn’t be Barbie; she’d be Conservative Cathy or something.

MARTHA: I do think it adds to her character.

BRODY: That’s her comic perspective Mr. H – a pretty little girl with the mouth of a sailor and the attitude to match.

THOMAS: (nods seriously) She’s foxy.

MR HELLO: I don’t know, (taps fingers together) you used “bitch” eight times in your first two pages. Maybe some revisions are in order.

THOMAS: You just said it right now though. Clearly it can’t be that bad if you can just throw it out there like that.

MR. HELLO: Well, I’m the teacher! (Chuckles) I can say it as many times as I want: bitch bitch bitch bitch- (jokingly looks towards the door as if someone just walked in) Oh hello, Principal Klump!

(The whole circle laughs)

BRODY: Fine, I’ll take a lot of it out, but I want to leave some in as a comic technique.

MR HELLO: Mission accomplished, just take out the “bitches” and the “sluts” and you can leave the rest. We just don’t want to offend anyone.

BRODY: What! That’s not fair; those are the only profanities I have in my whole play and you have said the b-word over six times now, anyways.

MR HELLO: (Jokingly) When I write my story-

(Principal Klump enters the room unnoticed behind Mr Hello in the middle of his sentence)

MR HELLO: I will have as many bitches and as many sluts as I want!

(The entire classroom falls silent and the end of Mr. Hello’s sentence reverberates through the room with extra volume)

GABRIELLA: Why, hello there, Principal Klump.

(Mr. Hello laughs, thinking it’s a joke, and turns around to face the door with an animated facial expression)

MR KLUMP: Why hello, Mr. Hello.

(Brody bursts into awkward laughter at the parallel sentence structure)

BRODY: (whispers to Maggy) Get it? He said “hello” and his name is “hello”. That is too great; I’m adding it to my story.

MR KLUMP: (looking serious) Why don’t you head on down to OCI, Mr. H.

MR HELLO: (mumbling on his way out the door) What about my tenure?

(Classroom door slams behind Mr. Hello)

ALL STUDENTS: (together) OOOOoOooOOooH!