Last Resort

by Frances Tiffin

TYLER: the husband

KAYLEE: the wife

Lights up on a cluttered living room. The young couple, TYLER and KAYLEE, sit side by side on the couch. They are gazing at the bundle in KAYLEE’s arms.

TYLER: Her hands are so little.

KAYLEE: Aren’t they though? She’s such a sweetheart. It looks like she has your nose.

TYLER: Mm. And your smile, Kaylee.

KAYLEE: I’m so happy.

TYLER: Me too, darling. She’s beautiful.

KAYLEE: Should we name her?

TYLER: Now? Oh I don’t know. I’m not sure about… (Pause while he mulls something over.) Well, you were right about her being a girl. So I guess Aragorn is out of the question, then.

KAYLEE: I’m pretty positive that it was never in the question. You were pushing it with Link.

TYLER: What? That’s a perfectly reasonable name.

KAYLEE: At any rate it doesn’t matter, what with her being, you know, a girl and all.

TYLER: All right, so I guess we’ll go with Hermione—?

KAYLEE: No.

TYLER: Buffy?

KAYLEE: No!

TYLER: Fine. I guess we just won’t name her now.

KAYLEE: Or ever, if you keep suggesting fictional characters!

TYLER: Or ever, if we don’t figure out what we’re going to do with her.

The mood in the room is suddenly somber.

KAYLEE: You’re right. We have to figure this out, and fast. We’ve had nine months – every other family I’ve talked to who’s been put in this position came to a decision before birth. We’re running out of options. And that’s the last thing—

TYLER: —the last thing we want, I know it.

(They share a look and smile.)

KAYLEE: So let’s see, we can’t give her to my sister, since she already has one of her own. Two would really be pushing it.

TYLER: For sure. She already had to go through like years of paperwork to approve Harold.

KAYLEE: It would be ridiculous. And no one’s responded to any of our offers.

TYLER: Adoption or otherwise.

KAYLEE: We can’t throw her away, who knows who’d find her.

TYLER: Don’t be too cruel.

KAYLEE: I’m thinking logically.

TYLER: This is our baby girl you’re thinking logically about, my dear! If you want to think logically then—

He stops short and looks out, his expression dazed, struck with an idea.

KAYLEE: What? What is it?

TYLER: (grinning) I’ve got it. It’s all the rage nowadays. Listen, population control is a problem, right?

KAYLEE: Uh huh.

TYLER: So many hoops to jump through for just the one child. We both know we can’t afford a kid. And it feels like we’ve exhausted our options. The government obviously thinks this world is too big already.

KAYLEE: But one more kid… It wouldn’t make that much of a difference.

TYLER: I suppose not, sure. But imagine all of the other couples that are saying that, too. Millions of people, all proclaiming, “Just one more kid – they won’t notice.” (Pause.) Listen, darling, there are just so few options. No one wants to adopt these days and considering the standards, we simply don’t qualify to have a child. Frankly, our baby girl is…illegal.

(KAYLEE’s jaw drops, aghast.)

KAYLEE: What can we do, then? We can’t raise her, and we can’t give her away. (She thinks for a moment. She gets an idea.) What if we give her to the dog? You’ve heard about those stories where the people grow up like dogs and learn their mannerisms and all that, right?

TYLER: Hmm… You know I haven’t thought of that. Maybe. But Trekkie? He’s so old. He can hardly stand up, let alone raise a kid.

KAYLEE: I guess so.

TYLER: Listen, I’ve got it. It’s been in those parenting magazines and—

KAYLEE: What if we raise her in secret and then whenever people come over, we’ll hide her! Or at least dress her up and set her in the doll room. She won’t go to school – we’ll teach her by ourselves.

TYLER: Okay, or—

KAYLEE: Ooh! Better yet, she can be our maid. That way people won’t ask questions. Sure they’ll try to find where she came from, but we won’t know anything so I suppose the investigation would stop there.

TYLER: I really think that—

KAYLEE: We’ll say she came knocking at our door one day and we just couldn’t refuse. “Look at this house,” we’d say to each other. “Of course you can work here.”

TYLER: Honey—

KAYLEE: Better yet, you know what would really keep them off her trail? We could say that we picked her up off the street after I went on a tirade about how you were sleeping with other women. I’d follow you until I saw you talking to her. “How could you?” I’d cry out from my hiding place. But then! It would turn out that you had been giving her food stamps to help her stay healthy, to stay alive in this cruel, cruel world. And I’d suddenly come to, tears streaming down my cheeks, because I’d realize that you hadn’t been sleeping with her, oh no! You had been helping her, out of the goodness of your heart! After that, I’d suggest that she come live with us. It’d be perfect. (She looks down at the baby and sighs contentedly. Then she smiles at TYLER, waiting for his affirmation of the brilliance of her idea. TYLER, however, is agape.)

KAYLEE: So? What do you think?

TYLER: I think— (struggling to find the right word) I think you’ve gone mad.

KAYLEE (taken aback): Mad? (She bursts into tears.)

TYLER (scrambling to make her stop): Honey, darling, baby cakes, pudding sack, I—a I hadn’t finished! You see, what I meant to say was that you’ve gone mad…ly brilliant! Yes, you are madly brilliant.

KAYLEE’s sobs quiet and she stops to consider TYLER’s comment.

KAYLEE: You— (wipes her eyes, hiccups) You really think so?

TYLER: Bunny boo, of course I do. You know, that’s a lovely idea. Let’s assess it practically, now, shall we?

KAYLEE: Okay!

TYLER: Listen, I have never heard such a super great idea. But I have one qualm. This is not anything to do with your reasoning. You totally had the best idea ever. But there’s just the problem of Five-Year Inspection. Unfortunately, I don’t think they’ll believe the prostitute thing when they come to check on us around when she was supposed to start school. I mean, she’ll be five years old.

(TYLER stops, waiting for her reaction. KAYLEE thinks for a moment. Then:)

KAYLEE: Oh yeah.

(TYLER sighs with relief.)

TYLER: But it was a great idea. Hey, do you want to hear mine?

KAYLEE: Sure, I guess.

TYLER: All right. So, you know those do-it-yourself books we were looking at in the bookstore a couple months ago?

KAYLEE: I…think so. Yeah, I remember.

TYLER: Okay, and remember that Alternative Parenting magazine we used to get?

KAYLEE: Tyler, we’re not sending her to a Waldorf school.

TYLER: No, no, no, nothing like that. But remember that article we read? And I mean, famine is a huge problem right now.

KAYLEE: You don’t mean…

TYLER: Yes, cupcake, don’t you see? We could put that food money to something else, something better. Our lives could turn around.

KAYLEE: I don’t know. What would our friends think of us?

TYLER: Kaylee, it’s an accepted outlet now. The New Infant form even declares it as a “possible means of extradition.”

KAYLEE: So, you mean to say…

TYLER: Oh, yes, darling. We are going to eat her.

KAYLEE: Oh, Tyler!

They hug. Lights out as they beam at each other.