The Adventures of Dr. X:

A Peculiar Man

by Molly Rose Morrissey

DR X: An emergency room doctor who is an excessive germaphobe.

PATIENT 1: One of Dr X’s patients with a case of dehydration.

SOPHIE: Dr X’s intern who’s always sick.

PATIENT 2: Another one of Dr X’s patients who may have cancer…or the flu.

NURSE: A nurse in the emergency room.

PATIENT 3: A man in the ER who suddenly passes out.

SCENE 1:

Setting: PATIENT 1 sits in crowded, emergency room on cot hooked up to various machines, which beep and click. Many other patients on their own cots clutter the room, separated only by flimsy, blue curtains. Noises of pain and distress can be heard throughout along with the ongoing drone of the overhead voice paging different doctors. PATIENT 1 is rubbing his stomach and looks quite pale. He suddenly leans over and barfs into a bedpan situated on his lap.

(DR X enters stage right wearing a full body plastic jump suit, which covers his head. He is gloved and carries a metal briefcase. He approaches PATIENT 1.)

DR X: How may I help you?

PATIENT 1: I—I… (He leans over again, barfing into the bedpan) I’m dehydrated.

DR X: Dehydrated?! (He pulls out his kit and sprays Lysol all over PATIENT 1, backing away as far as he can.)

PATIENT 1: (Coughing) Hey! What was that for?

DR X: I’m sorry. I cannot work with you. Your…condition is FAR too contagious!

PATIENT 1: Contagious? Dehydration? I’m not a doctor, but I’m fairly certain dehydration is not contagious at all. Listen, I was out in the sun all day and had nothing to drink! It makes perfect---

DR X: Please, don’t say anything more. My mouth mask is too thin to protect me from your contagious and sickly air. I must ask you to stop talking! (He takes out a huge dispenser of hand sanitizer and administers an unnecessary amount, rubbing together his gloved hands until he feels it’s sufficient.)

PATIENT 1: (Mutters) Since the gloves didn’t do enough, hand sanitizer is definitely the next best thing.

DR X: Excuse me? I am your doctor; well I was your doctor. Please don’t make fun of my…idiosyncrasies. I graduated in the TOP 500 of my class at a very prestigious graduate school in South Dakota; so you can see, treating patients like YOU is very below me. (He sprays more Lysol onto PATIENT 1.)

PATIENT 1: (Coughs again, which induces more vomiting) Will you stop it with the spraying! It’s making my nausea worse!

DR X: (Signing the chart) I’m sorry. I’ve just had it with this hospital! Always putting me on the most dangerous cases. And when I say dangerous, I mean the cases that will kill me! Goodbye. And do clean up, that vomit exudes a ton of highly infectious air particles that could surely, well, wipe out this whole room! How selfish of you! (Shaking his head, DR X exits stage right.)

(PATIENT 1 is shocked. Lights dim as he throws up once more into his overflowing bedpan.)

SCENE 2:

Setting: Lights go up to show DR X’s young assistant, Sophie, desperately trying to match DR X’s pace through the bustling ER. She clenches a wad a Kleenex in one hand as she sneezes into the other. Her face is red. DR X walks quickly in front of her still dressed in his full body jumpsuit.

DR X: Sophie! Did I just hear you sneeze! For Godsakes! What did I say about that! It’s unacceptable. Do you want your own resident to get sick? I don’t think so. I don’t know how I can continue teaching you my priceless and highly sought-after knowledge if you keep on acting so inconsiderate! … Stop! (DR X turns around and holds up his hand. SOPHIE stops walking, looking exasperated.)

SOPHIE: Do we have to do this again? We’ve already done this five times today and it’s only 9 AM!

(DR X nods as he pulls out a large wand with the words GERM GUARDIAN from his metal briefcase. Clicking it on, a light appears at the tip of the wand and a loud buzz begins. SOPHIE stands with her arms out to her sides and her legs spread wide. DR X administers the wand like an airport security officer giving a person a full body check for contraband items.)

DR X: There, germ free! (Now skeptical) For now... (He walks to a cot and opens the blue surrounding curtains with a metal clamp he has pulled out of his front pocket. An old woman is lying down, currently asleep.) Sophie, I want you to check her vitals. Let’s not make any more mistakes now, shall we?

SOPHIE: Yes Doctor. (She walks toward the old woman.)

DR X: Wait! Aren’t we forgetting the most important part of this examination?

SOPHIE: But you just de-germed me!

DR X: (Shaking his head, he laughs as he pulls out a huge packet of germ wipes. He hands her one large square.) Now remember, over your WHOLE body. I can’t afford any of your (shivering) germs on this poor, old woman!

SOPHIE: (She begrudgingly takes the wipe and swabs it across her face, hair, neck, clothes, shoes, and hands.) Good?

DR X: Satisfactory. I would have focused more on your left forearm, which has absorbed most of your sneeze germs, but nevertheless, proceed.

(SOPHIE checks the old woman’s chart and vitals as DR X scrutinizes her. Finishing up, SOPHIE walks towards DR X. Suddenly, she stops.)

SOPHIE: ACH-OOOOOOO (She sneezes right onto DR X.)

DR X: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I MUST BE DE-GERMED NOW!

(He runs offstage while a loud siren sounds off of his jumpsuit. SOPHIE, still on stage, shrugs at the audience. Blackout.)

SCENE 3:

Setting: Another day in the ER. The ER is particularly quiet; it is late at night and there are a few patients and doctors in the room. DR X is talking with PATIENT 2 who lies on a cot.

DR X: Now, I’m pretty sure this is cancer. (PATIENT 2 gasps) But, (laughing) I could be completely off the mark! Maybe the flu, oh heavens! The flu! (Shudders)

(Suddenly, PATIENT 3 in the center of the room falls down.)

NURSE: (Squatting down next to PATIENT 3) We’ve got a patient down! We need a crash kart.

DR X: (Looking over at the PATIENT 3) Oh heavens! That looks like a cesspool of germs. I must excuse myself. (He walks quickly away from PATIENT 2 and around PATIENT 3.)

PATIENT 2: But what about my diagnosis! Come back!

NURSE: (Noticing Dr X) Hey! Dr X! We need some help. We’ve got a man who has no heartbeat.

DR X: (Quickening his pace) Well then he’s probably dead for all I care! I can’t be near his germs!

NURSE: You better come over here NOW, or I’ll report you to the chief.

DR X: (Coming to a screeching halt, he quickly turns around. Sighing, he takes out his hand sanitizer and leisurely rubs it on his hands, arms, face, and hair. He then walks toward the patient.) Okay, so what’s the BIG deal? I’m risking my life for this!

NURSE: Cut the shit, X! He’s DYING... or already dead. I can’t get a pulse.

DR X: Oh sweet Mary and Joseph. (He trembles as he places his gloved hands on the man. Feeling no pulse, he presses harder and begrudgingly brings his face to the man’s chest.) I hear a pulse, although it’s quite faint. (He takes out his GERM GUARDIAN and clicks it on. A loud buzz begins. Dr X waves it over the man’s body.)

NURSE: Are you serious! Pull yourself together. We’ve got a hell of lot to do to save this man’s life. (She yanks the GERM GUARDIAN out of Dr X’s hand and throws it on the ground. She begins chest compressions. PATIENT 3 is quite large; it doesn’t seem to be working.) I need your help! Start the compressions. Christ! Why am I telling you what to do?!

Dr X: Wow, you’re a piece of work aren’t you! I’ll show you how it’s really done. (Nudging her aside, Dr X puts on one more pair of gloves from his metal briefcase and then begins strong and well-timed compressions.) See, like this. I can’t believe I’m risking my life like this! It’s crazy. For all we know, this man could have some life-threatening, CONTAGIOUS disease!

NURSE: (Throwing her hands up in frustration.) YOU’RE the piece of work. (She checks the man’s wrist for a pulse.) It’s not working; we have to move on to CPR. You start while I run and get a crash kart. (She gets up and runs quickly offstage.)

DR X: Wait! I can’t do it! I will get sick if I touch his mouth! (He panics, looking from PATIENT 3 to the near-empty room. He takes out a wipe and wipes the inside of his mouth excessively, but quickly. Then, he takes a huge glop of hand sanitizer and puts it in his mouth. He gargles and then spits it into the wipe. Finally, he lowers himself down onto the man. Suddenly, he stops to pray.) Dear God, please don’t let me contract this sick, sick, sick man’s disease. I am a good person! I do good things! Why am I always surrounded by (voice raising in pitch) SICK PEOPLE?! (He looks around sheepishly, then down at PATIENT 3. He lowers his hands.) Amen. Here it goes. (He takes an audible breath before putting his mouth on the patient. He blows into the man’s mouth a couple of times. Coming up for air) SICK! SICK! YUCKY. (Again, more breaths. Finally PATIENT 3 coughs.) My god! He’s alive!

NURSE: (Running in with crash kart) He’s alive? (Running to PATIENT 3 who is coughing loudly.) Sir, can you hear and see me?

PATIENT 3: (Very out of breath) I—I saw a light. It was so bright…and warm. I was walking towards it. (Suddenly, a loud buzzing sound turns on. Dr X has retrieved the GERM GUARDIAN wand and is de-germing his whole body.) Who… is that?

NURSE: X: (To Dr X) Quit it already! You saved this man’s life.

DR X: (Shrugging while continuing to de-germ himself) Well duh, I am the best. (Now skeptical) I can’t believe you doubted that! I graduated with honors.

NURSE: Yeah, the honor of being most hygienic. Jesus, can’t we just take a moment and be thankful that for once, you put your germaphobia aside to save this man’s life!

PATIENT 3: I—I can’t explain my gratitude. I was dying. I know it! And you brought me back to—

DR X: Save it buddy. You were dying? I could die. God, you’re just full of germs! I risked MY life for YOU!

PATIENT 3: But…I was dying!

DR X: Yeah, yeah. Everyone around here says that! What’s with this place? I’ll be lucky if I make it another day.

PATIENT 3: If you’re so scared of germs, why are you a doctor?

NURSE: I ask myself that everyday.

DR X: Excuse me? Why am I a doctor? Because I was born to do this. I may have an issue with germs but at least I’m not collapsing out of nowhere! How embarrassing. (Laughing) Or at least I’m not like you (pointing at NURSE) who’s still a nurse cleaning infectious bedpans all day!

PATIENT 3: I mean, you are wearing a full body jumpsuit. It’s a little ridiculous.

DR X: My, you’re worse than I thought. Yes, totally full of germs, you filthy, little thing! I MUST BE DE-GERMED NOW! (The siren on his jumpsuit sounds as he runs out of the ER leaving NURSE and PATIENT 3 alone.)

PATIENT 3: What a crazy guy! He didn’t even take the time to notice the bracelet I wear that explains that I have low blood pressure and am prone to fainting! He totally thought I had some flesh-eating, highly contagious disease! What a trip! (He laughs.)

(Lights fade. Siren is still audible as the stage turns black.)

---END---