Where Are Your Morals?

by Katie Miller

CHARACTERS (in order of appearance)

NOAH- A guy who just wants to wants to know what a ****** is. He means no harm.

GRANDMOTHER- She is a kind grandmother who bakes cookies for the neighborhood kids. She has recently met a grandfather down the block. They go lay bingo together every Friday night.

TEENAGER- A good guy, used to be the ‘perfect’ child until he fell in with the wrong crowd, that’s where he learned the horrid word. Parts of his old personality still escape at times.

NOAH’S FRIEND- Met Noah in kindergarten and they became instant friends. He has always been a bit jealous of Noah though because Susie-May from strawberry class has a crush on Noah.

NOAH’S TEACHER- A hard working, mid-twenties woman who loves kids. She cannot have children herself but she views all her students as her own. She filed adoption papers last week.

PRINCIPAL- He is new to the school and so is very nervous and suspicious as to how others view him. He is trying to rule with an iron fist, but if some one pushes back he will crumble. He hates upsetting people.

MOTHER- Noah is her only son and she loves him very much, but doesn’t let him get away with too much either. She is a housewife but has a major role in 5 charities.

PROFESSOR- Loves his subject and loves hard working students even more. He recently wrote a wonderful recommendation letter for Noah, hopefully he wouldn’t resend it…

BOSS- Weed out the garden every day if possible is his motto. He is always looking for a reason to fire a worker. He has enough people applying for positions he is free to do so. But if you get on his good side you will go far, maybe even replace him when he retires.

SECURITY GUARD #1/SECURITY GUARD #2- they do as they are told at work, they show no emotion. But secretly they have just started a relationship. It is going quite well and they are considering moving to another state so that they can get married.

GIRLFRIEND- She has been dating Noah for six months when she appears. She knows that he’s a good guy. Would do anything for him.

MAN IN SUIT- His sole purpose is to deliver the punch line. It was the role he was literally born to do.

Noah and his friend, ages roughly 10, are in a small shop that is slightly busy. Also in the store are a teenage boy and his grandmother. The grandmother and teenager start arguing.

GRANDMOTHER: You good-for-nothing-grandson!

TEENAGER: Look whose talking, you… you…

GRANDMOTHER: If you have something to say, say it.

TEENAGER: You… BUMREE! (All characters gasp, except for Noah. Noah looks confused)

GRANDMOTHER: H-how dare you say such things to your grandmother? Never show your face to me again. Ever. (Grandmother storms out of the store)

TEENAGER: (face changes from anger to intense remorse. He runs after GRANDMOTHER screaming) Wait Grand mommy! I didn’t mean it, please.

NOAH’S FRIEND: Wow, I… I never thought some one would say such a thing.

NOAH: What thing? What does bumree mean?

Noah’s friend turns to look at him, his mouth is a gape as if trying to speak but nothing comes out. Finally after trying for a while he shuts his mouth tight and heads for the door.

NOAH’S FRIEND: We’re no longer friends. (Walks off stage/out the store door)

NOAH: What? Why? (Runs off stage after his friend)

Noah is in his classroom with only his teacher. His teacher is sitting at their desk, grading papers.

NOAH: Teacher?

TEACHER: Yes Noah?

NOAH: Um, my friend is mad at me and I don’t know what to do. Can you help me?

TEACHER: Okay, well, first off do you know why he is mad?

NOAH: No, everything was fine and then all of a sudden he said we were no longer friends.

TEACHER: What happened right before he said that?

NOAH: I asked him what a word meant.

TEACHER: What was the word?

NOAH: Um, something like bumree I think. (The teacher gasps and grows angry, but Noah doesn’t notice) And he got so mad just ‘cause I didn’t know what it meant. It doesn’t make any sense-

TEACHER: That’s enough out of you. I don’t want to hear another word. You go straight to the principal’s office, we do not use such language in this school.

Principal’s desk is lighted up on the other side of the stage and Noah walks over to it. The principal is reading papers.

NOAH: Excuse me Sir, my teacher sent me here.

PRINCIPAL: Come over here son, sit down. (Noah sits in a chair across from the principal.) Why did your teacher send you here?

NOAH: I told her I was having problems with a friend, and after I told her what happened before my friend got mad my teacher got really, really mad and sent me here.

PRINCIPAL: Wait, are you Noah Spelding?

NOAH: …Yes.

PRINCIPAL: (expression completely changes, he is furious) Your teacher told me you were coming. How dare you use such foul language, you are hereby expelled from this school.

NOAH: But…but…I just want to know what it means. (Pleading)

PRINCIPAL: A likely story. Out of my office, boy, off these school grounds this instant.

Noah scurries out of the office. A light shines on a woman center stage. She has on an apron and is at a stove. This is Noah’s mother. As he walks toward her and away from the principal the light on the principal fades.

NOAH: Mom?

MOTHER: Oh shit! (Didn’t see him come in and so is startled) Sorry, sweetie, I didn’t see you come in. Why are you home so early?

NOAH: I-I…(starts sobbing uncontrollably)

MOTHER: (bends down to hug Noah) What happened, dear?

NOAH: Sc-scho-ol…p-prin…cipal…expelled me. (Cries even harder)

MOTHER: EXPELLED?! Why? (Grabs Noah by the shoulders looking into his eyes)

NOAH: B-b-because (whips his eyes) I asked what a bad word meant.

MOTHER: That’s no reason to expel you. I need to go down there and have a talk with them. How dare they… Just so I know, sweetie, what word did you ask about?

NOAH: Um…you promise you won’t be mad?

MOTHER: Of course, honey, you’re just curious. I probably won’t tell you the meaning until you’re older, but I would never be mad at you for asking.

Noah pulls his mother down so that her ear is next to his mouth and whispers so that the audience can’t hear. When Noah pulls away his mother is furious.

MOTHER: How dare you. Up to your room right this instant, young man. And don’t come down until I say so.

Noah walks away from his mother, pitifully crying. He sits on the edge of the stage, his room, and picks up his notebook (diary).

NOAH: (Reads while writing the words down) Dear Diary…I mean journal…I mean notebook. I really don’t get it. Every one is getting so mad over this one little word. Like, they won’t even tell me what it is. It’s just a stupid word. It even sounds funny. Not like an insult at all. What kind of word is bumree-

The notebook closes shut of its own free will and jumps out of Noah’s hands.

NOTEBOOK: Noah! I expected better of you. How could you dirty my pages with such vulgarity?

NOAH: (Shocked) Y-you can talk?

NOTEBOOK: Of course I can talk, but only in special situations. And this most certainly is a situation of a special nature. Why would you write such a horrid word on my pages? Why?

NOAH: I just want to know why people, and um, notebooks are getting so upset. What does it mean?

NOTEBOOK: So you sully my pages and don’t even know how terrible you are being. Humph, I can no longer be your notebook. This is our good-bye. (Notebook slides off stage.)

NOAH: (calling after notebook) What is a Bumree!

Silence. The stage goes dark.

Lights come up. Noah walks on stage, he is a college student.

NOAH: Professor?

PROFESSOR: Ah, Noah, my favorite student. How are you today?

NOAH: Very fine Sir. I just…well before I graduate there is one question I need answered.

PROFESSOR: Ask away.

NOAH: I must warn you, every one whom I have asked has taken offense at this question. My friends, my mom, my teacher, my girlfriends, even my notebook left me-

PROFESSOR: Your what left you?

NOAH: Oh, um, never mind that. Like I was saying, I didn’t mean to offend anybody. I purely am asking to gain knowledge about what this word means.

PROFESSOR: You can ask me anything Noah.

NOAH: (takes a deep breath) Whatdoesbumreemean?

PROFESSOR: I’m sorry, what?

NOAH: What does…bumree mean?

The Professor takes a step back, and then composes himself before yelling.

PROFESSOR: OUT! Get out of my classroom. Never, ever show your face to me again.

NOAH: But, Sir, you said-

PROFESSOR: Out. Now.

Noah scurries off stage. Lights fade then come back on. Noah walks on stage, a man, his boss, is standing center stage, Noah is an office man, in the favor of his boss.

NOAH: You wanted to see me Boss?

BOSS: Ah, yes, Noah. How have you been, my boy?

NOAH: Very well, Sir. Thank you.

BOSS: Good, yes, very good. Well, today, son it will get even better. You have been working very hard for me and I reward those who work hard. (Pause) I’m giving you a five percent raise.

NOAH: Oh my- that…Thank you, Sir. Really thank you so much.

BOSS: You have been working for me for seven years now. Soon you could make your way to the board.

NOAH: That really means a lot to me, Boss.

BOSS: Now, Spelding, there is one question I have for you.

NOAH: Yes, Sir?

BOSS: Every time you are in my company you give the impression of wanting to ask me something. What is it you want to ask?

NOAH: Oh that is a tough one, Sir. I do not want to ruin all I have built here.

BOSS: I know you are a good employee. Asking one question will not ruin your image in my eyes. Come now, tell me.

NOAH: Well, I’ve wanted to ask…what does Bumree mean-

BOSS: H-how dare…Security!

Noah: No, please, Sir. I just want to know what it means.

Security guards #1 and #2 come in and take hold of Noah.

BOSS: Take this despicable man out of my sight.

SECURITY GUARD #1: Yes, Sir.

SECURITY GUARD #2: Right away, Sir.

Security guards drag Noah protesting off to stage left front. Where Noah’s desk is. Noah starts putting things in a box. GIRLFRIEND enters.

GIRLFRIEND: Hey, Noah.

NOAH: sigh.

GIRLFRIEND: Hey what’s wrong?

NOAH: I got fired.

GIRLFRIEND: What? Why? The boss actually likes you.

NOAH: Hey, you trust me right?

GIRLFRIEND: Of course.

NOAH: I’m going to ask you a question, okay? I mean now offense by it. I am not calling you anything bad, or mean to insult you in anyway. I just really have to know what it means. Please. (Gets down on his knees begging)

GIRLFRIEND: (pulls him up to his feet) You can ask me anything.

NOAH: Well here goes nothing… What does a bumree mean?

GIRLFRIEND: (Pulls away fast and in completely furious, but calms her self slowly as she talks) You didn’t mean it. You’re not calling me it. Breathe…breathe.

NOAH: You okay?

GIRLFRIEND: Okay, here’s what we’ll do. Tonight at eight-o-clock stand across the street from my apartment. Wait under the streetlight. I will flip my blinds three times; when I do it’s safe to come up. And in the safety of my apartment I will tell you what it means.

NOAH: (Hugs GIRLFRIEND, practically crushing her) Thank you so much. Really, thank you.

They exit off stage and the stage goes dark.

Light come up showing Noah waiting nervously under the streetlight. Across the stage is the apartment window. Noah checks his watch and looks at the window. The blinds move, flipping back and forth three times. Noah jumps up and down and starts to run across the street when a bus comes by and runs him over. He lies dead on the ground. A man in a suit comes on stage.

MAN IN SUIT: And that, children, is why you look both ways before crossing the street.

Lights go out.