Didn’t Want Me

by Maya Mehta

Characters (by order of appearance)

DAVID a boring character really, he likes ice cream, music, and Lord of the Rings, very much.

ANGEL an middle aged fat balding man with a cynical and lazy streak, but just a nice guy at heart.

PG MANAGER think wicked fairy god mother from Shrek 2, she has an on going relationship with the

the DEVIL.

DEVIL a fun guy, he has a goatee and he has a huge crush on the PG MANAGER. He likes to have

BBQs and depends on the PG MANAGER's advice to discipline hell's inhabitants in a truly

hellish way.

BOOMING VOICE only knows one line from LOTR

HEADLESS a big guy, a bro in his alive life. Likes to drink

SHINLESS a gullible and naïve young woman who is just a little bit dumb.

BUSINESSMAN 1 favors 5 gum

BUSINESSMAN 2 favors trident gum

A male in his early 20's is walking on the sidewalk, listening to his iPod at max volume and reading a book while dancing. He walks across the street against a red light and gets hit by a car. He lies dead on the pavement, and his spirit arises from his body, with every scratch and bruise and misplaced body part.

DAVID: I'm alive!!! Oh wait... no... That's my body... God damn-it!

A man dressed in all white with a golden halo above his head and white feathery wings nonchalantly walks on stage.

ANGEL: (sigh) Come with me. (turns around and begins to walk back exasperated)

DAVID: I'm dead... I'm dead. (sarcasm) Awesome. And I was just about to get ice cream! That's spectacular! (begins to follow ANGEL) I mean I can't of a word brilliant enough to really encapsulate my fee-

ANGEL: (without looking back) Don't forget your kneecap - if you want it.

DAVID: What? (looks around on the ground) Oh wow... That's nasty.

------

At the PEARLY GATES, stereotypical all white scenery with the clouds as the floor and a large white hotel desk with gold trimming angling from the side of the gates. A woman angel (PG MANAGER) is behind the desk.

PG MANAGER: (as ANGEL walks on stage with DAVID following) What Bob.

ANGEL: Well isn't it obvious? He died so I brought him here.

PG MANAGER: Let me see. (ANGEL pushes David up to the desk, pause) No.

DAVID: What!?

ANGEL: (annoyed and unsurprised disbelief) Really...? I brought him all the way here... (sighs) C'mon doofus. You're going to hell.

PG MANAGER: I'll just call Lucifer (picks up a desk phone) (pause) Hey sweetie, yeah, it's me. He didn't! Oh that old rascal! Just put him in the torture chamber with Hitler! That should chill him out! (pause) You can do it, I know you can... Hitler's mean, but not that mean! I'm sure he's just painting right now... He didn't want his tofu? Okay he might not be painting then...

An elevator arises from the cloudy floor, ANGEL pushes DAVID into the elevator and presses one of the buttons before stepping back out of the elevator. The doors close on a protesting DAVID. ANGEL gestures to PG MANAGER to get on with it.

PG MANAGER: Anyway, no no listen. We're sending down this kid. Oh you know the type, they have those infernal gadgets. I'm sorry! It was unintended! Here, here: One of those annoying mp3 players. Better? (smile) I thought so.

----

In the fiery pits of hell, similar set up but everything is red and black. The devil himself is sitting on the hotel desk. The elevator comes down and reveals DAVID to the scene.

DAVID: You're kidding, you are absolutely joking, I have done NOTHING wrong.

DEVIL: This is true, except for you know, masturbating, ignoring religion all together, breaking plenty of laws with all the drugs you do, stealing cookies from the cookie jar when you were a kid and not repenting, must I go on?

DAVID: B-but everyone does simple things like that!!! Surely that doesn't land you in hell!!

DEVIL: Well it certainly didn't land you in heaven did it?

shouts and cheers of a party are heard from backstage

DAVID: What's that?

DEVIL: Oh we're having a BBQ and we're going to watch Lord of the Rings trilogy, or what ever's on netflix, you know.

DAVID: Well, that doesn't sound too bad.

DEVIL: No, it doesn't, does it? But, you're not invited. We wont be taking you.

DAVID: (pause) Excuse me?

DEVIL: Hell. Will. Not. Be. Taking. You. What do I have a snake for a tongue or something?

DAVID: .... Yes...?

DEVIL: (pleased with himself) I know. Anyway, move along now. (walks off stage)

DAVID: B-but where do I go?

fireworks can be heard and more cheers

BOOMING VOICE: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!

laughter

The elevator 'dings' behind DAVID, he turns around and the elevator doors open to reveal the PG manager

DAVID: What are you doing here??

PG MANAGER: I'm going to the party with my boyfr- I mean.... I'm going to the party! What do you think I'm doing? What are you doing?

DAVID: He didn't want me.

PG MANAGER: Well of course he didn't want you.

DAVID: (whining) But whyyyyy?

PG MANAGER: (huffs and walks out) Why indeed.

DAVID looks around forlornly before he goes back to the elevator. He stares at the buttons for a moment.

DAVID: (shrugs) What the hell. (presses buttons randomly)

The elevator 'dings' and closes then smoothly shoots up.

DEVIL: (from off stage) I HEARD THAT!

---

There is a giant hoard of people mindlessly wandering around like cattle. They bump into each other and groan a lot, but it's a peaceful groaning. The elevator rises, dings, and reveals DAVID. Instantly every person is groaning frantically and begins wandering toward the elevator in a trying-to-be-menacing manner. DAVID yelps and begins mashing the 'close doors' button on the elevator. The doors close, ding, and off he goes.

---

People occupy this plane of existence, all qualified by one thing: They're brutally injured, dismembered body parts, or completely deformed faces, etc. There is a buffet and picnic tables dispersed across the plane in an aesthetically pleasing manner. The elevator arises and stops swiftly, dings and reveals DAVID. He walks out and receives shifty looks from the other people.

BOOMING VOICE: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!! (DAVID gives a confused look, then shakes his head, dismissing the random outburst)

DAVID: This looks like where I should be! I have a missing kneecap and I'm fairly certain that my pelvis is perpendicular to where it should be.

HEADLESS: (carrying his head in his arms) It's not, it's exactly where it should be. Don't exaggerate. Under normal circumstances, yes you'd belong here, but just barely.

SHINLESS: (her legs are cut off at her knees all gory details are included. She moves using all four appendages) Yeah, you're just missing a kneecap and are covered in bruises, so you're really just a yellow and purple freak (fur-reak).

DAVID: (stares at her unashamedly for a moment) How did you get like that?

SHINLESS: (laughs, nods and gestures with arms in a 'this makes perfect sense' manner) My ex boyfriend was a serial killer, so... y'know. (gives a small 'what can you do' sigh and shakes head)

HEADLESS: Way to be rude. (small glare competition between HEADLESS and DAVID) Not even asking my story, gosh.

DAVID: Oh! I'm sorry, what's your story.

HEADLESS: (proud, nodding) Drunk-driving. Tree branches are pretty powerful when you're going 90. What about you?

DAVID: (exasperated) This car came out of NO WHERE and hit me while I was going to the store to get ice cream. Yeah. Ice cream. I know.

SHINLESS: (awkwardly) ... uhhh wow... impressive... I guess. Anyway, you don't belong here so you should go.

DAVID: But you guys were saying that I would belong here.

BOOMING VOICE: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

SHINLESS: SHUT UP!

BOOMING VOICE: YOUUUUUUU shallnotpass!

SHINLESS: I SWEAR I WILL COME DOWN THERE AND HURT YOU! YOU KNOW I CAN!

(pause)

HEADLESS: Anyway... You would, under normal circumstances and just barely.

DAVID: Well why aren't these normal circumstances?

SHINLESS: Just gooooo! For God's sake!!!(frustrated sigh)

HEADLESS and SHINLESS crowd DAVID back into the elevator, he's squeamish and doesn't want them to touch him so he goes back into the elevator fairly willingly. It dings and he's off.

DEVIL: I HEARD THAT!

SHINLESS: (sighs) Oh puh-lease.

---

In the elevator

DAVID: Gosh diddly durn it all to peaches! What the-

A loud click sounds

INTERCOM (PG MANAGER): Default Swearing Device. I don't like those gosh awful words. They're all just so.... well... diddly.

A loud click sounds again

DAVID: As if that's even fair! I'm not allowed in this peachy place and I'm not even allowed to say peachy! Gosh flying diddly! (mounting frustration)

---

An oak paneled room with the color theme of dark brown and maroon with large wooden furniture is filled with people in business suits, lawyers, businessmen, corporate executives, etc. They're arguing delightfully with each other, waiters are walking around with trays of champagne and other various liquors. Ding, DAVID arrives.

LAWYER: You there! Young chap! Yes you! (think barking) Come settle this. (he beckons DAVID over who complies easily) 5 or trident gum.

JUDGE: (lots of sniffing and rearranging of nostrils Yes well, Trident the name simply outdoes the other, and it has a much more pleasant texture and well of course, good save on a rushed day when you just happened to forget to brush your teeth.

LAWYER: All good reasons of course of course, but the wrapper in of itself is reason enough to prefer 5 gum, of course. I just mean the peeling and sticking on things alone!

JUDGE: Shall we settle this once and for all? Old boy, what's your verdict?

They stare at DAVID expectantly. He backs away sheepishly his shoulders raising slowly.

DAVID: (dejectedly and sheepishly) I like... I like ice cream.

They stare at DAVID in disbelief.

LAWYER: I would prefer if you left my humble abode.

DAVID turns pathetically back to the elevator without a question. The two talk while he's walking back and proceeds to the next floor.

BOOMING VOICE: YOU SHALL NOT PAAAAAAAASSS!!!!

JUDGE: Never did learn how to talk.

LAWYER: So unfortunate how the ones who need the most attention are the ones who have the least to add to the conversation

Ding

---

Pearly Gates scenery. Angel is sitting in the PG MANAGER'S seat behind the hotel desk.

DAVID: (glum) Hi.

ANGEL: Hey kid.

DAVID: I just don't know what to do.

ANGEL: Of course you don't, you're the first of your kind. Not normal circumstances as they say. But I believe, seeing as how things have gone so far, you're going to be the bellboy, the guy who stands in the elevator and pushes buttons for people.

DAVID: Noooooooooooo!!!!!

ANGEL: What's wrong with that?

DAVID: (pathetic) That was my day job.

THE END