Seating Arrangements

by Emma Lydon

Cast:

NOAH, husband

MAXINE, wife

SARA, NOAH’S mother

MARK, 12-year-old cousin

BEKAH, 9-year-old cousin

(SARA sits at a table with several other people, all staring at the door. At another, smaller table sit three children looking very uncomfortable. At the main table a 12 year old sits, squished between grown ups. A knock at the door.)

SARA: I’ll get it! (Goes to the door, but opens just as she reaches her hand to the knob.)

NOAH: Ma! (Big hug)

MAXINE: (out of breath from stairs) Hello.

SARA: (coolly) Oh, hello there.

MAXINE: I’m Maxine.

SARA: I’m aware.

MAXINE: (joking) Well nice to meet you, Aware. (Dirty look from both SARA and NOAH).

NOAH: Well, Ma, are you ever going to let us in or are we just going to stand in the foyer all night?

(SARA walks off with NOAH, leaving MAXINE to carry the three suitcases.)

SARA: (calls out) You can take the bags into Noah’s room. Second door on the right.

MAXINE: (makes a face. Mumbling to herself, imitation as if queen) Oh, you can carry the bags into darling Noah’s room…

MARK: Who are you talking to?

MAXINE: (childish, cutsie) And who are you?

MARK: (rolls his eyes) I’m Mark.

MAXINE: Nice to meet you Mark. I’m Maxine.

MARK: I know. No one likes you very much.

MAXINE: (troubled) Well, I’m sure that’s not true.

MARK: Oh, it is. Bubi called you a blonde ditz from California.

MAXINE: We should go sit down.

(MARK runs ahead, as MAXINE slowly walks back, shaking her head. She walks in, looks for a place to sit.)

SARA: We left a place specifically for you, next to Bekah.

BEKAH: Hi!

MAXINE: But that’s the kids’ table.

SARA: Is that a problem? Noah told me you want to be a doctor, so I figured sitting at that table would be good practice.

MAXINE: I want to be a podiatrist, not a pediatrician.

SARA: (disingenuously) I’m sorry dear. It’s just that I promised Mark he could sit at the grown-up table. But, I always love spending tie with my grandkids, so I suppose we could always trade seats.

MAXINE: (embarrassed to have caused such a fuss) No, no it’s quite alright. Never mind. (Sits down at the children’s table)

SARA: So, Noah, tell us, any major life events in sunny California?

NOAH: (Hesitates) You mean, other than getting married, right?

SARA: Of course, of course. So, tell us.

NOAH: Well, there was this one time…

(Sound of a clock ticking. MAXINE sits slumped in her child-size chair as her three tablemates play Barbie)

SARA:…So I said to him, sexual harassment? Pay attention you ugly bastard cause this is closest you’ll ever come to anything sexual. (Laughter)

(MAXINE lifts her head from the table, looks horrified)

SARA: (conclusively) And that is how I met your father.

MAXINE: (mumbles to herself) She really is crazy!

BEKAH: No kidding. At least your part of the family gets to live across the country. We have to live next door.

MAXINE: I’m sorry. That must be aww-full!

BEKAH: Pretty much. I mean she listens to opera really loud. Right now she’s in an Evita phase.

MAXINE: Ouch.

BEKAH: Yeah, and that’s not even the tenth of it. I mean, I’m pretty sure she killed her cat.

MAXINE: (caught off guard) What?

BEKAH: Well, two years ago my cat MonkeyPuss had kittens, and my brother Mark – he loves Bubi – insisted on giving her one. We surprised her a couple days later, just to check up on her and the cat, and it was gone. She swore she had just seen it and it must have snuck out while she wasn’t looking.

MAXINE: Okay. But why do you think she killed it?

BEKAH: Well, when I looked around I couldn’t find any food, or bowls, or anything to indicate she ever had a cat.

MAXINE: Wow. That’s heavy.

BEKAH: I know.

NOAH: (Comes up behind, surprises them) What are you two girls talking about?

MAXINE: Us?

NOAH: Yes, you.

MAXINE: Oh. Nothing. Rainbows. Flowers.

BEKAH: (interrupts) Not kittens. Definitely not kittens.

NOAH: (Laughs uncomfortably) Okay.

MAXINE: (turns to NOAH) So what’s up hun? Do you need something?

NOAH: I guess not. I was just going to let you know I was going to play video games in the spare bedroom with Mark.

(MAXINE and BEKAH roll their eyes and turn away simultaneously) M&B: Whatever.

SARA: (getting up from the table) Girls, go help clean up in the kitchen.

(Girls get up from the table, head to kitchen without complaint. MAXINE remains seated.)

SARA: Maxine? Is there a problem?

MAXINE: No, (pauses, then acidly) Mother. Why would you think that?

SARA: Well, you refused to comply with my simple request.

MAXINE: Which one? The one where I interrupt my winter break, spend all of my savings to fly out here so you can treat my poorly? The one where I lug three suitcases up the stairs and across your apartment? The one where I sit at the children’s table while a pre-teen gets my seat with the grownups?

SARA: Actually, I meant helping with clean up.

MAXINE: Oh, I see. So, now I’m so insignificant I’m grouped with the girls who haven’t even hit double digits? Blonde ditz from California, huh? Well I can still do math.

SARA: You want to talk about insignificant? How about not even inviting your mother-in-law to the wedding?

MAXINE: No way in hell are you pinning that one on me. Noah asked that you not be invited. He told me about his three other weddings. The so-called “Mother-daughter” conversation you had with all the other bride-to-be’s.

SARA: Yeah, what about them?

MAXINE: Well, it’s just funny how all the other girls ditched right after those innocent conversations. I think your invitation may have been lost in the mail because Noah didn’t want to be left at the altar for the fourth time because of his mother.

SARA: Oh, you’re certainly a fresh one.

MAXINE: Yes I am. And I told Noah to go ahead and invite you cause I just don’t scare that easily.

SARA: Oh, really? You’re quite the dumb blonde, sweetheart.

MAXINE: Old hag.

SARA: California, bra-burning feminist.

MAXINE: Oh yeah, cat killer.

SARA: What did you just call me?

MAXINE: You heard me, cat killer.

(Start wrestling. SARA grabs MAXINE’s hair; MAXINE cries out and claws SARA’s face with her fingernails. SARA stomps on MAXINE’s foot. NOAH pulls MAXINE off SARA.)

NOAH: My God, what are you two doing?

SARA: Noah, darling, you should have heard the things she said to me.

MAXINE: Oh, yeah? Well I’d say them again. A thousand times again. Cat killer.

NOAH: Oh my goodness. We’re not back to this again, are we? Bekah, get your little behind into this room this instant.

(BEKAH enters, sticks her tongue out)

NOAH: Tell Maxine the truth. About the cat.

MAXINE: (sputters) The truth? Bekah, you were lying to me?

BEKAH: (grins mischievously) Totally. It was all fiction.

MAXINE: So the cat’s okay?

NOAH: There’s no cat, sweetheart. Everyone in my family is severely allergic.

MAXINE: Oh. Well then, Bekah, why did you lie? I thought we were friends.

BEKAH: Oh, we are. You hate Bubi almost as much as I do.

MAXINE: But why?

BEKAH: Mark got to sit with the grown-ups.

NOAH: That’s why you did all of this? Seating arrangements?

MAXINE: I told you it was a good idea to elope. If we’d had a wedding I could have been killed.