Call Me Edward

by Tessala Larson

Sam: An 18-year-old male.

John: Sam’s mental grandfather.

The stage is set with a table and two chairs. A short, skinny old man walks out onto the stage slowly from the right, looking up and around with skeptical eyes. When the old man almost reaches the left side of the stage, a younger man comes out from the right running after him.

SAM: Grandpa!!! Stop! We’re here!

JOHN: These are not the droids you’re looking for.

SAM: I know grandpa, but we’re here now, so will you please sit down?

JOHN: Hmmm... (skeptically looks Sam up and down) I suppose so.

Awkward silence.

SAM: Sooo... grandpa... How are things at the old folks home?

JOHN: Did you know I used to have a neighbor who’s name was Flanders? Like the fish?

SAM: You mean a flounder.

JOHN: Flanders was a strange apple. He and his wife and kids, too. If they weren’t at church they were talking about church.

SAM: Didn’t you grow up in Alabama?

JOHN: That I did. I didn’t have many friends neither. Cept for one. Jenny. The most prettiest girl I’ve ever laid eyes on.

SAM: You guys met on a bus, right? And no one would give you a seat except for Jenny.

JOHN: How did you know that? Have I told you this before?

SAM: No no no, continue.

JOHN: Well anyway... We ended up getting married, me and Jenny. Then not too long after she died of the cancer. But your uncle, Forrest Jr. was born first.

Waitress enters.

WAITRESS: And what will we be having today?

SAM: I’ll have the pancakes please. With eggs. Scrambled.

JOHN: And I’ll have the steak.

WAITRESS: How would you like it done?

JOHN: As rare as you do it.

WAITRESS: One order of pancakes with scrambled eggs and the steak, coming right up.

Waitress exits.

JOHN: So as I was saying, I never thought Bella and I could work out... Because I just loved her so much, I couldn’t take her soul away like she wanted me to so badly... She’d ask me all the time.

SAM: Bella? What happened to Jenny?

JOHN: I just told you, Jenny died from the cancer.

SAM: Oh. Right.

JOHN: So, in the end I had to do it. And she was so beautiful. And that’s when we had your mom, Renesme.

SAM: Uh-huh.

JOHN: Too bad she and your dad died in that car crash and you had to be brought up by Forest Jr. and Petunia. Their nasty spoiled son getting everything he wanted, and you being forced to live under the stairs. Until your 11th birthday... Oh, I was so proud when I found out you got to go to that wonderful school.

SAM: Hogwarts?

JOHN: Yes, the most prestigious of vampire schools.

SAM: Hogwarts is the School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, grandpa.

JOHN: Well why would a School of Witchcraft and Wizardry accept a vampire? Answer that smartass.

SAM: Well --

JOHN: Shut up. I’m telling a story.

Waitress enters and sets down plates in front of the men.

SAM: Thank you.

Waitress winks and exits.

JOHN: She thinks you’re cute.

SAM: How do you know?

JOHN: I can read women’s minds. But don’t be jealous, cuz it gets annoying with all of the chattering about what they’re wearing and all their feelings and shit.

SAM: Oh, of course. So should I talk to the waitress?

JOHN: Yeah, sure.

SAM: Waitress? (Motions to the waitress)

Waitress enters.

WAITRESS: What can I do for ya?

SAM: Well, you could accompany me for dinner Friday night.

WAITRESS: Um..

SAM: I know you don’t know me, but that’s the whole idea. Getting to know each other. It could be fun.

WAITRESS: I appreciate the offer, but...

SAM: Oh, come on. Don’t be shy.

WAITRESS: I just don’t think so.

SAM: Awe, why not?

WAITRESS: I have to get back to work. Excuse me.

Waitress exits.

Silence.

SAM: Thanks for the advice, grandpa.

JOHN: Jeez, you messed that up. Stop trying so hard. She doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you.

SAM: You told me she thought I was cute.

JOHN: She did before you started being a creep.

SAM: You can’t read women’s minds grandpa.

JOHN: Yes I can.

SAM: (getting frustrated) No, grandpa. You can’t. Jesus, I try to be patient with you, but shit!

Silence.

SAM: And mom’s name is Judy, not Renesme.

John makes an adorable little sad face at Sam, with big eyes and a hurt expression.

SAM: I know it’s hard, grandpa. But you really need to accept reality. Your therapist told me that we needed to have this breakfast because I really need to try to get you to latch back onto the real world.

JOHN: But--

SAM: No, grandpa. This time you need to listen to me. I’ll break it down for you. Your name is John. You grew up in Seattle where you met grandma, Rose.

John covers his ears.

JOHN: La la la la, I can’t hear you!

SAM: Come on. Grandpa. Grandpa... Grandpa! GRANDPA. John? John. John. For pete’s sake, JOHN!

JOHN: La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la

SAM (talking through John’s “la la la”s) : Edward?

JOHN: Yes?

SAM: Oh, jesus. We’re going home. Do you know where home is?

JOHN: Forks, Alabama.

Sam sighs heavily and holds John’s hand to help him up from his chair.

Waitress enters.

WAITRESS: Awe, that’s so sweet -- helping your grandpa.

SAM: Well, you know. (shrugs modestly) someone has to.

The waitress admires Sam’s fine physique and gives a flirtatious smile.

WAITRESS: Are you still good for Friday?

SAM: That depends.

They share a smile.

WAITRESS: Here’s my number.

Waitress exits and Sam and John walk back to the right side of the stage slowly.

JOHN: See, boy? That’s how it’s done.

SAM: Oh, grandpa.

JOHN: Call me Edward.