For Your Convenience

by Maxx Koerner

Cast:

Jim, Traveler

Mike, Traveler

Ben, store clerk

Gary, store clerk

Jim and Mike enter, walking through the convenience store, Jim is telling Mike a story from his teenage years.

JIM: So I see he’s trying to boil something on the stove, and I think it’s just water because he was talking about pasta earlier to his folks.

MIKE: Uh-huh.

JIM: I go over and I see it’s not water, oh no, it’s Gasoline.

MIKE: (puts a hand on his head) Jesus.

JIM: So, I grab the pot and chuck it out the window and I say to him “What the hell are you doing?” He looks at me and said “I’m trying to make Napalm.” My response, “By boiling gasoline over an open flame stove? Where in the hell did you get these instructions?” He looks at me with the most innocent face he can muster, and mutters, “From the anarchist cookbook.” I look at him and just say, “If it’s from the anarchist cookbook, YOU. DON’T. DO. IT. You, my friend, are a complete idiot.”

MIKE: Well, good thing you had some common sense, that was an explosive situation.

JIM: Yeah…. (Mike walks past him, Jim mutters) terrible pun. (turning to face Mike) So, why are we here again?

MIKE: Well, we want to go to Chicago, and we’re in the middle of fuck all no-where.

JIM: (to the audience) Also known as Utah.

MIKE: So, we’re going to need some stuff. Not to mention I have to use the bathroom.

JIM: Then by all means, don’t mention it. (Looking at prices) Well, looks like we got lucky, everything in here looks to be on sale.

MIKE: How’d you figure that?

Jim motions to a rather large sign right next to them that says “SALE! Everything in the store is 35% off! Limited time offer.”

MIKE: Oh, well, good cash my friend.

JIM: (after Mike walks off) Terrible….. Terrible.

MIKE: I’m not seeing much of what need, Jim.

JIM: (Walking over) What do you mean?

MIKE: Well, I’ve only really finding toiletries here.

JIM: Well we need those.

MIKE: We have plenty.

JIM: First aid kits?

MIKE: I have ten.

JIM: Why do you….. Never mind.

MIKE: Well, let’s ask the clerks, see if they have anything else.

JIM: Ok.

Jim and Mike walk over to the cashier’s desk, the cashier seems preoccupied with something underneath the desk, his name tag reads Ben

JIM: Excuse me.

BEN: What?

JIM: We’ve noticed you’ve really stockpiled the toiletries, but do you have…. (Jim is cut off as Ben takes a shotgun from underneath the desk)…. You got to be fucking kidding me.

BEN: Would you kindly not swear.

JIM: I just got a shotgun pulled on me, sir, swearing is a little appropriate.

BEN: Fair enough, but only that once please.

JIM: Why should I… (looks at the shotgun)... OK.

MIKE: Are you going to shoot us because your store’s not doing so well, I can kind of understand….

JIM: (Sarcastically) Ooo, yeah Mike, make the guy pointing the gun at us angry. That’s a real FUCKING good idea!

BEN: Please don’t swear.

JIM: Sorry.

MIKE: Listen, sir, uh, we’re just passing through. We don’t want to cause any trouble, we just want to buy some stuff…. (Ben gives Mike a sour look)… I just want to use the bathroom….

Ben Fires to shot gun into the ceiling, cutting mike off. Mike’s expression turns painful and his hands move to his waist.

MIKE: Too late….

JIM: what are you…. (Jim gags)… Oh God!

BEN: Please don’t take the lord’s name in vain.

JIM: Why do you care what we say?

BEN: Where are we?

Jim pauses thinking.

JIM: Right, Mormon central U.S.A.

BEN: Yeah, and I don’t appreciate people coming in day in and day out swearing and taking the lord’s name in vain, I’ve had it.

JIM: That’s why you’re pointing a gun at us?

BEN: (casual tone of voice) yeah, pretty much

JIM: That’s just….

MIKE: (cutting Jim off) Well, he’s More Man than you, Ha!

JIM: (Pauses) You know what? I’m ready to die, shoot me now.

BEN: What? Just after that? You can’t be serious?

JIM: Look dude I’ve been traveling with this guy since I met him in sol cal, and he had done nothing but use pun after pun and they just get worse. Please, please shoot me.

MIKE: What do you mean they just get worse? My puns aren’t bad.

JIM AND BEN: Yes they are.

MIKE: You guys suck.

A door behind the counter opens and a man walks through wearing a bandana over his mouth a baseball cap and sunglasses. He is carrying a baseball bat and a bag of sports equipment. He simply looks at the scene in front of his.

JIM: (To the audience) Oh, here it comes

MIKE: Now Bat’s what I’m talking about!

JIM: (To the audience) It is pathetic that he is the most memorable character.

BEN: Hey Gary.

Gary’s voice is muffled, but it sounds like he says hello.

BEN: You didn’t see anything.

Gary muffles a response, nodding his head. Ben points the shot gun at Jim, Jim just looks at Ben casually. As Ben is about to pull the trigger a piece of clothing flies by and lands on Ben’s face, he proceeds to choke. Mike Stands triumphant with his pants down (He threw his boxers). Gary rushes to Ben’s side as he collapses.

MIKE: Ha ha! Now you’re radio-craptive! That can’t be good!

JIM: That’s terrible, in that I would never wish that on anyone and…. By God, Your puns are just horrible.

BEN: Don’t… Take…. His name…. in vain. (Ben proceeds to grab his chest and writhe on the ground.)

JIM: What’s happening to him?

MIKE: Oh, I get it. He’s been placed under cardiac-arrest!

JIM: Where do you get this shit? Because I want to find it and destroy it.

Gary stands up facing Mike and Jim, holding the gun. Gary starts to shout at the both of them, but his voice is still muffled so they can’t understand him.

JIM: We can’t understand you.

Gary sighs, pulls off the cap, bandana and sunglasses revealing to be a Woman.

GARY: I said you boys are fucked.

MIKE: Wait, that guy called you Gary.

GARY: Yeah, my parents were jerks.

JIM: Why were you wearing all that stuff?

GARY: We’re Mormons, women aren’t allowed in the work place.

JIM: Really?

GARY: I don’t know, but I’m not taking any chances.

JIM: Fair enough.

MIKE: Listen, we’re just trying to get to Chicago, just let us go please.

GARY: Wait, you’re trying to get to Chicago?

JIM: (Sarcastically) No, we’re trying to get to Salt Lake.

GARY: Well, I do want to get out of Utah. There’s really nothing here.

JIM: (To audience) She seems surprised about that.

GARY: I guess I’ll come with you.

MIKE: Come with us? Huh, well, that’s a shoting surprise. Ha ha.

Jim and Gary exchange looks

JIM: If you want to shoot him, go ahead.

GARY: Alright then. (Shoots Mike in the face).

Jim Watches Mike fall, then looks up to the ceiling.

JIM: Thank you God.

Gary Motions for them to leave, as they leave they begin to converse.

GARY: So, how are we getting to Chicago?

JIM: Bus.

GARY: Why using the bus?

JIM: After Hitch-hiking with that Guy for weeks, I’ll take the Bus.

Stage fades to black with the Rolling Stones “Paint it black.”