Clean Camping

by Avi King

Characters

JOHNNY: A big bear who likes personal hygiene, and can be short tempered.

EMILY: An average woman in her mid 20’s who likes camping

RANGER: A dedicated Ranger who wants to make people’s camping experience more enjoyable.

EMILY is sitting on a log by a burned out fire. JOHNNY the bear comes running in and hides next to her behind a tree.

JOHNNY: So sorry to bother you, I’m just running from the RANGER.

EMILY: (not tuning around) That’s okay, what did you do?

JOHNNY: Well, he thinks I’m dangerous.

EMILY: (EMILY turns around and is startled/scared) What the… you’re a bear!

JOHNNY: Oh, I hate it when people categorize me like that. Have you ever seen the movie Casper?

EMILY: What does that have to do with anything, you animal?

JOHNNY: Now, see that hurts. Anyway Casper is a friendly ghost and likewise I’m a friendly bear. The name is Johnny.

EMILY: Okay look, no offence Johnny, most bears attack humans, so the fact that I’m still sitting here should be a compliment to you.

JOHNNY: Well, in that case, I appreciate the gesture. Oh, you don’t by any chance happen to have some extra soap? I’ve run out.

EMILY: Why do you need soap? You’re a bear.

JOHNNY: Again with the categorizing. Look I hate being dirty; do you enjoy being grimy all day long? It’s awful.

EMILY: I think I’m going to run away now.

JOHNNY: (forceful) Wait! Don’t go. (Softer) You’re the first person who I’ve actually had a real conversation with in… well, ever.

EMILY: I think you need to work on your tone, ‘cause that wasn’t very inviting.

JOHNNY: Look, I’m a bear, I’ve been running from the RANGER all day now, I’m tired, I want a shower and I want to spend an evening with you.

EMILY: (Stunned) Well I thought about going on a hike to day, but how about dinner tonight?

JOHNNY: You for real?

EMILY: (confused) Well, I’m sure not fake. So dinner?

JOHNNY: (roaring in delight) Yes!

EMILY: Okay, I’ll see you later.

(EMILY exits leaving JOHNNY alone on stage)

(JOHNNY starts walking away from the campsite when the RANGER enters)

RANGER: There you are! (The RANGER tries to throw a rock at JOHNNY but misses)

JOHNNY: Why are you chasing me? What did I do to you?

RANGER: You were in the shower and ruined countless peoples camping experience! You got to go.

JOHNNY: Okay, first of all, I hadn’t showered in three days, and second, this is my home. Where would I go?

RANGER: Well, we could put you in a zoo. How does that sound?

JOHNNY: Why don’t you send the campers to the zoo?

RANGER: Because the zoo is for animals.

JOHNNY: Look, you are an animal and you said animals belong in a zoo so therefore you should be in a zoo and not in the wild. I’m a bear and this is where I belong.

(getting angry starts to charge at JOHNNY)

(JOHNNY holds him off by an arms length.)

RANGER: Ahh!

JOHNNY: (pulls an apple out of his back pocket and takes a bite) Look here buddy boy, this really isn’t going anywhere, so why don’t you just stop?

RANGER: (stops flailing and starts to cry) Because I’m a ranger, and it’s been expected of me to be the best ranger ever, and that means I’ve got to get rid of you.

JOHNNY: Really? Were your parents rangers also?

RANGER: No.

JOHNNY: Did they always expect this of you?

RANGER: No.

JOHNNY: Well then, who is putting all this pressure on you?

RANGER: No one.

JOHNNY: Wow, this is amazing!

RANGER: What?

JOHNNY: You make no sense. Nowhere in this conversation have you had anything that has represented a rational thought. You are just a sad and lonely man.

RANGER: (RANGER puts his head in his hands, JOHNNY slowly starts exiting) You are so right, what am I doing? I’m talking to a bear. Well, I at least I have some one to listen to my thoughts. I mean it’s been pretty hard not having anyone to talk to. I guess I should say… (RANGER looks around and sees he is alone) Oh g-d Damn it !

Lights out.

(JOHNNY and EMILY are sitting by a camp fire eating freshly caught salmon).

JOHNNY: It sure is a lovely evening: the sunset is beautiful, the trees are swaying in the wind, this fish is amazing and… (pauses cause he hears the sound of a bird singing) G-d damn it!

EMILY: (startled) What is it?

JOHNNY: It’s the birds again. Every time I’m trying to enjoy a nice dinner they sing that song.

EMILY: Which song is that?

JOHNNY: “Party in the U.S.A.” by Miley Cyrus. That song is terrible!

EMILY: I mean it’s not the best song, but you have to admit it’s pretty catchy.

JOHNNY: okay the chorus is kinda catchy, but the song itself is trash and is definitely not dinner music.

EMILY: Well, I have to agree with you on that one. So you like my fish then?

JOHNNY: Oh, the fish is phenomenal! It’s better than what I’m used to. I usually just catch the smaller trout down by the base of the river, where did you find this salmon?

EMILY: Well I went hiking earlier today, and made it to the top of the falls. While I was up there, there was this group of teenagers just chilling in a boat fishing. They asked me if I wanted to join them and I said why not? So then they told me that they had been out there for five hours already and hadn’t caught a single fish. So I took a pole and cast my line and BAM, I started catching fish left and right. They were so grateful they let me keep these three, and I thought well Johnny is a bear and bears like fish so I gutted them and put them on the fire for us to eat.

JOHNNY: Well, that sounds like fun.

EMILY: It was. Then this damn ranger guy showed up and was a complete buzz kill.

JOHNNY: I know exactly what you mean.

EMILY: He just showed up and said we had to go back to the dock because we had been out too long. I mean, who puts time restrictions on a freakin lake!

JOHNNY: I know! He is always telling me where and when I can fish. I always say, why do I have to eat on your schedule? Why can’t I eat when I want?

EMILY: I know, what do you think his problem is?

JOHNNY: You know, I think he hates the forest.

EMILY: No! A ranger who hates the forest! Isn’t that hypocritical?

JOHNNY: No actually it’s paradoxical, that’s the word you’re looking for. But yes that’s the only thing I can think of.

(Birds sing again)

JOHNNY: These birds need to stop singing! I can’t take it anymore!

EMILY: Just calm down Johnny.

JOHNNY: Okay, (closing his eyes and breathing deeply) Inner peace, inner peace.

EMILY: See, isn’t that nice? There isn’t a thing in the world that could ruin this evening.

(right on cue the RANGER enters making a lot of noise)

EMILY: Except of course, him.

RANGER: Aha! Found you! You fat-ass bear, you just had to be eating everyone else’s food.

JOHNNY: If you must know, this lovely lady invited me to dinner.

RANGER: Oh yeah, who would ever want to have dinner with you?

EMILY: I would. Gosh do you have to be such a buzz kill all the time? I mean how did you even get this far in life if you are always killing the mood?

RANGER: I don’t ruin the mood; most people think I’m great. I save lives out here in the forest. Like today on the lake when I saved you and that group of teenagers from heat exhaustion.

EMILY: Are you serious! That’s why you made us go back?

RANGER: Yeah, it was the responsible thing to do.

EMILY: Wow, you really are the worst ranger ever!

RANGER: What are you talking about? I’m great. See I just saved you from a bear.

EMILY: Oh my… (Shaking her head)

JOHNNY: Listen buddy, (sits down next to RANGER and puts his arm around him and pulls out another apple) what she is trying to say is, you just need to get laid.

RANGER: (startled) wha… did you just… I don’t… Oh my g-d!

JOHNNY: Look you’re unhappy cause you have no friends, you work in a forest, I’m the closest thing you have to a friend and we hate each other. So do everyone a favor and go make a friend. G-d you are pathetic!

RANGER: Oh my g-d. You’re right. I have no friends. I’m a loner. Ever since I was a little boy, no one ever paid any attention to me. (EMILY and JOHNNY start to edge toward off stage) See I was always the quite kid who liked the trees. So I would just climb up them and sit there. Then I figured that no one wanted to be my friend because they couldn’t get up in the tree with me. But now I see that… (looking around and realizing he is talking to the wind) G-d damn it!

Lights out.