I Didn't Think They

Made Those Anymore

by Jeremy Gleick

Setting: A generic suburb. The story takes place in the home of the blackmailer, a somewhat cluttered regular household, and in a small church.

Characters:

The Blackmailer: A slightly bumbling and incompetent criminal.

Father David: A blind priest.

Father Abraham: An overly conservative and stern priest.

Father Jacob: A young and easily distressed priest.

The Bikers: Three bikers, who all look extremely tough, but who attend church and one of which is rather light-headed.

Scene opens to the blackmailer sitting at home, speaking on the phone.

BLACKMAILER: ...and I have the photo of it.  I'm going to mail the letter to the mayor today; twenty thousand dollars or the picture goes to the press.

Pause, nodding and listening.  Takes out photo, the back of which is to the audience.

Uh-huh, I know, I didn't think they made those anymore!  But, nope, I've got it right here, a compromising photo of the mayor, one of his aides, and a-

Pause, nodding and listening.

Yeah, I was thinking twenty thousand, but I'm really not sure, that's why I'm calling you, you've got the experience with these things.  Ok, good, good.

Pause

Oh!  Good advice. (Puts on gloves) Fingerprints, I completely would've forgotten, thanks.  I knew talking to you was the right idea, so many little things which are easy to miss in this crime business.  Anyway, I'm gonna mail the letter right now.  Thanks for all your help mom!



Outside on the street.  Blackmailer enters, carrying a folder and a letter, walking down the sidewalk.  As he walks, the photo slips out of the folder and onto the ground.  He continues walking, not noticing.  Blackmailer exits, walking off the other side of the stage.  After a pause, the three priests enter.  Father David is blind, Father Jacob is a much younger man, and Father Abraham is an older man.

FATHER DAVID: I believe it was quite a good sermon, if perhaps a little strong when it came to the condemnation of pre-marital handholding.

FATHER ABRAHAM: It was a far too forgiving, I feel.  Pre-marital handholding, minor though it may seem, so easily grows into far darker sins.

FATHER JACOB: But Father Abraham, he spent the whole speech ranting about fire and brimstone!

FATHER ABRAHAM: Well, Father Jacob, we must make these things clear.  Brother Jeremiah's depictions of the horrors that await sinners were far too mild, in my opinion.

FATHER DAVID: I don't know, the description with the red hot nails did seem rather extreme...what's this?

Father David's cane taps the picture.  He bends down and picks it up.

FATHER DAVID: It feels like a photo?  What is it of?

Father David shows the photo to the other two priests, still held such that the audience cannot see it.  Father Jacob shouts slightly in surprise and horror, recoils, and crosses himself.  Father Abraham just raises his eyebrows.

FATHER JACOB: (still in shock) Is that...is that...the mayor?  And...and...another woman?  And....

FATHER ABRAHAM: (completely calm) Yes, and a-

FATHER JACOB: I didn't think they made those anymore!

FATHER ABRAHAM: Well, the mayor seems to have found one, and used it to-

Father Jacob faints.

FATHER ABRAHAM: Hmm.  Father Jacob seems to have fainted.

FATHER DAVID: Is it really that bad?

FATHER ABRAHAM:  (Shrugging) I've heard worse in confession.

While this exchange is going on, the blackmailer enters again where he exited, now looking panicked and looking around wildly at the ground for his dropped photo.  He jumps when he sees that it has been found by priests, and hides and watches.

FATHER ABRAHAM: Here, I'll take that.  Let's head back to the church.  I'll carry Father Jacob.

Father Abraham takes and pockets the photo, then lifts Father Jacob to his feet.

FATHER ABRAHAM: They don't make them like they used to.

The priests exit, as the blackmailer leaves his hiding place, watching them go, clearly incredibly worried.

BLACKMAILER: Oh no, oh no oh no oh no!  I've already mailed the letter!  I've got to get it back...I've got it!  I'll sneak into the church and steal it back without anyone noticing.  But I need a disguise...

Blackmailer exits.



The front entrance to a church.  Blackmailer enters, in a full nun's habit.  He walks up to the church entrance, and pauses, looking over his disguise.

BLACKMAILER: ...No no no!

Blackmailer exits, shaking his head.  Enters again in a priest's outfit very similar to that of the other three priests.

BLACKMAILER: Much better!

Blackmailer enters church.



Blackmailer enters an empty room, looking around nervously.  He looks through a door, or offstage, then comes back, still looking around, when Father Jacob enters.

BLACKMAILER: Oh!  Um, hello.

FATHER JACOB: What's your name, Father?  I'm not sure I recognize you.

BLACKMAILER: Uuuuuh... (under his breath) what's a good religious name, what's a good religious name, why didn't I think of this before sneaking in!

FATHER JACOB: What was that?

BLACKMAILER: Nothing!

FATHER JACOB: Nothing?

BLACKMAILER: Yes!  Wait, no!  Uh...Noth...aniel!  Yeah!  Uh, Nathaniel.  That's what I said.  I mean, that's my name.  Nathaniel.  Let's go with that.  Yeah.

FATHER JACOB: Well...Father Nathaniel...why have I never seen you around here before?

BLACKMAILER: I...uh...I've been in the back of the church.  Polishing the...um...crosses?

Father David enters behind the Blackmailer, who does not notice.

FATHER JACOB: But that's what Father Abraham is always making me do!  How have I never run into you?

BLACKMAILER: I was...in the...other back of the church?

FATHER ABRAHAM: (from offstage) Father Jacob!  Get over here!  These crosses won't polish themselves!

FATHER JACOB: Coming Father Abraham!

Father Jacob rushes off stage, flustered.

BLACKMAILER: Phew, that was close.

FATHER DAVID: What was close?

BLACKMAILER: GAH!  Who, how did...I mean...hello Father.

FATHER DAVID: Hello Father.  Could you go and give today's sermon on criminals and the danger they pose?  I need to go and speak with Father Abraham.  Just this way. 

Father David pushes the blackmailer up to where he is facing the audience as if to give a sermon, then exits.  Blackmailer stands there nervously looking over the crowd for a moment before he begins to speak.

BLACKMAILER: He-hello.  Um.  Crime.  You know what they say: Life is like a bowl of cherries.  There's lots of people in it, and lots of them are really sweet, but if you just leave life sitting around too long on the counter, then some of it starts to go bad.  So if everyone just sits around all the time like cherries, then people start to rot.  I mean, go bad.  I mean, crime.  Crime is like a mold on the cherries of life.  And then some of the cherries start to try to extort money out of some of the better cherries, but in the end they'll all just get thrown out anyway.  Or eaten, but that's besides the point.  Wait, this isn't right, let me start over.  Life is like a bad cliche.  Wait, no.  Hang on.

If you're going to blackmail someone, always make sure you can keep track of your picture.  I mean, um, uh, If you're thinking of committing a crime...like blackmail...always make sure you keep track of your...big picture.  Yeah!  The big picture.  That's what I said.  Keep track of the big picture, and you won't mess up the blackma-I mean, make the right decisions.  I mean, you will make the right decisions.  Yeah.  Um.  Thanks for listening!

Blackmailer exits hurriedly.

Blackmailer enters an empty office room.  He sneaks in an exaggerated fashion, looking around himself nervously, and picks up the photo off of a desk, then quickly shoves it into a folder and hurries out.

Blackmailer exits the church.  He stops outside, breathes a relieved sigh, and begins to walk away.  The photo slips out of the folder onto the ground exactly as before.  He continues walking, not noticing.  Blackmailer exits, walking off the other side of the stage.  After a pause, three extremely tough looking bikers enter.

BIKER 1: I don't know what was up with that sermon.  Bowl of cherries?  Priest must've been nuts.

BIKER 2: Hey, what's that on the ground?

BIKER 3: Looks like a photo.

Biker 2 picks up the photo, the three bikers gather around it.

BIKER 1: Woah!

BIKER 2: That's the mayor, isn't it?  And using a...I didn't know they made those anymore.

Biker 3 faints. 

THE END