Thus With a Kiss I Die

by Claire Engan

ACTOR: An actor, taking a lesson from this great Director, enthusiastic, a little clueless, but totally into everything the actor says.

DIRECTOR: Thinks the world of himself, and acting. Is trying to train this newbie actor the ways of death scenes.

CREWMAN: Someone who works the stage.

(Lights up, scene starts with DIRECTOR sitting on a chair or stool, spot is on him, stage is dark, giving the impression he is the only one there. ACTOR is sitting on a shorter stool or chair, maybe even the floor in the dark.)

DIRECTOR: (studiously, then dramatic) As you know, acting takes a wide range of talent, skill, diversity, and awareness. There are many rules and laws and teachings you must follow in order to become a good actor. You will, of course, be learning these important lessons from me. Lessons, that if learned, will take you beyond your hopes, your imagining, and take your audience away with you, into the stories and lifetimes and images that you have created right before them. They will not know where they’ve been or even where they’ve come back to! (DIRECTOR straightens him-self, lights go up, then turns stage right to look at ACTOR, who is looking back at him with big hopeful eyes.) Today’s lesson: the death scene. Every actor should know how to do a good death scene, bonus points for different varieties. (Suddenly dramatic, knightly) What say you?

ACTOR: (beaming) why, YES!

DIRECTOR: Very good. Now, up up! Push those chairs away, you will need room!

(ACTOR and DIRECTOR push stools away from center stage, making a large area that they will be using. A mat should be provided, or DIRECTOR can drag one on from a nearby wall. DIRECTOR will be standing on one side of the mat/space, ACTOR on the other. Director claps his hands together, and rubs them in a businesslike/getting ready fashion.)

DIRECTOR: We will be taking some examples from famous death scenes in movies. The first thing I would like us to take a look at, is the thriller, thrasher-flick death scene. This is, I believe, the hardest to do, because you have to learn to scream correctly.

(ACTOR looks a little confused, but nods anyway.)

DIRECTOR: Take the movie “Psycho” for example, a well-known work of Alfred Hitchcock’s. Now I’m not saying you’ll pretend to be a woman in a shower, but first, you must be afraid. (ACTOR stands there for a moment, but then gets into a wary looking position. DIRECTOR continues with rising intensity) You are in the shower, alone, you are in the woods, alone, and something is out there, something might get you, but you don’t know where its going to come from, you can hear it, it’s creeping, it’s coming---

(ACTOR becomes more frantic, is looking around, starting to get into it)

DIRECTOR: You can hear it…its coming, and there it is! OH MY GOD! IT’S MEGA-DEATH!

ACTOR:(Jumps) AAAHHHaahhh??

(ACTOR stares up at DIRECTOR, questioning)

DIRECTOR: …wasn’t scary enough?

ACTOR: Not…really.

DIRECTOR: I dunno. Mega-death is pretty scary. (beat) Anyway. You looked creeped out. But I just HAVE to hear you scream.

ACTOR: eh, scream?

DIRECTOR: Yes, a bone chilling scream, but, y’know, still manly. Can’t have you going falsetto on us now.

ACTOR: (confused) Right.

(DIRECTOR stands straight. It is quiet. DIRECTOR’S face turns to horror as DIRECTOR lets out a horrified scream. ACTOR is a little surprised.)

DIRECTOR: something like that.

ACTOR: uh-huh.

DIRECTOR: now you try.

ACTOR: really?

DIRECTOR: (commanding.) Yes.

(ACTOR lets out his scream. It’s not that good. Maybe a little whiney, trying too hard to be whiney. But its obvious he’s really trying.)

DIRECTOR: well okay, we’ll work on it.

(Blackout –lights up, ACTOR and DIRECTOR are sitting on their knees on the mat, eyes closed, taking deep breaths.)

DIRECTOR: now breathe in (they take a breath) and out (they breathe out.) Yes, that’s it. Meditate for a while. (He opens his eyes and looks to ACTOR) Do you feel like a samurai?

ACTOR: No?

DIRECTOR: Well you have to feel—no, BELIEVE you’re a samurai, before you can play the part of a samurai.

ACTOR: All right…

DIRECTOR: Now, you have to think about the Samurai code. The one thing that is most important to you is your honor. You are of the red clan, fighting the warriors of the blue clan. The worst thing that could happen to you, is to die by the hands of a blue clan warrior.

ACTOR: Grrr.

DIRECTOR: That’s right. Hate that blue clan! Now, you find yourself hurt on enemy lines…you’ve hidden yourself behind a building or whatever. You are FATALLY WOUNDED! Oh my! (ACTOR looks at director briefly, before lying back on an elbow and acting hurt, moaning in pain and whatnot.) Good, now you see that the one who wounded you was a member of the blue clan.

ACTOR: (pained) AAGHH---Grr!

DIRECTOR: Yeah that’s right. You know you won’t get medical assistance, and you are about to die by the blue clan’s men! (ACTOR looks suddenly angry.) There is only, only one thing you can do to save your honor…

ACTOR: (rolling around in pain) OOOAAAGGH—what is that?

DIRECTOR: Commit hara-kiri.

ACTOR: (stops) Hara-whatnow?

DIRECTOR: (a little annoyed) You know, Hara-kiri, Seppuku? (he sighs) If you’re going to die by a blue clan’s man, why not throw away the issue by killing yourself?

(ACTOR pauses, and has an “ah-hah!” moment as he understands.)

ACTOR: Very honorable.

DIRECTOR: (smiling) Good. Now, OH NO, YOU’RE DYING!

(ACTOR becomes suddenly wounded again.)

DIRECTOR: Its all up to you now buddy. (ACTOR can be good or bad at this, however you choose. Either way, it should be drawn out and really dramatic, the ACTOR is trying very hard. ACTOR will take invisible knife out his belt/from his shirt/or from behind him. It will be a very laboring, emotional, slow, task, and after all the dramatic staring, groaning, possibly crying, he will stab himself in the gut, lean over, and face plant into the floor. DIRECTOR watches.) Well, it still needs a little work. But you’re improving.

(Blackout, lights up on the two of them sitting comfortably on the mat again.)

DIRECTOR: So, I think we’ll do some improv. next. Do you like improv?

ACTOR: (scoffs) Pah, what actor doesn’t?

DIRECTOR: All right, good, we’re going to do some Shakespeare improvisation. How’s that to you? It’s classic.

(ACTOR smiles.)

DIRECTOR: All right! (beams) Now, Shakespeare was a man full of laughter, and tragedy. I assume you know Romeo and Juliet?

ACTOR: Of course.

DIRECTOR: Okay. We will now be doing a romantic, tragic death scene, kind of like that one. Now, I’ll be the man, and you be the lady.

ACTOR: (a little annoyed)…why do I have to be a lady?

DIRECTOR: Why, every great actor has to know how to play a role of the opposite gender!

(ACTOR crosses his arms, and says nothing.)

DIRECTOR: (excitedly) Lets start! (They move to sit facing each other.) Why don’t we warm up a bit? Give me your best Shakespearian.

ACTOR: Uh…to be, or not to be…that is the question?

DIRECTOR: Nay! Come now man! How noble one is! In my mind’s eye, I’ll have you talk, speak daggers to me!

ACTOR: aye…well, thou odiferous full-gorged whey-face!

DIRECTOR: (claps) Good good! All right, now we settle down now. Get ready for something a little more intimate. (ACTOR seems uncomfortable. DIRECTOR leans in closer, but still maintaining a gap between them.) Ah! My love, my heart has never wandered so far from thine, save but for my dreams in which we are but one heart.

ACTOR: (awkwardly) Eeh…I too…my love. But I fear you, of the information I must inform you, I am dying my love. (steadier) Soon, I will be whisked on not your heart, but the heart of death and his followers, he will love me like no other, and seduce me to his unchin-snouted clutches. I can feel his eyes upon my bosom, boring deep within.

DIRECTOR: (frowning) …ah but thou canst not! I will not let him have thee! To steal my maiden, of whom I desire too much. Thou art sure, truthful, to tell me of thy misfortune? (leans closer.)

ACTOR: As sure as the wind, my love. For you and I, are now past our days. (also leans closer, the gap should be non-existent now, ACTOR’s hand touches DIRECTOR’s.)

DIRECTOR: I cannot bear it, the wind doth tell lies!

ACTOR: Nay, pray you tarry. Away with you, you should not see a state such as this.

DIRECTOR: (holds ACTOR’s hands, and stares at ACTOR directly.) I’ll not budge an inch.

ACTOR: Then…stay. (dramatic, overly done.) Oh woe is me! What’s done is done! Do witness you, my last moments, assist me as I lay. (ACTOR lies down, but is very close to director, staring up at him.)

DIRECTOR: Oh, yes my love! Had I the power, no word or hand of mortal man or God, could move to take thee from my side! (He grabs ACTOR’s face in his hands.)

ACTOR: Then, with me, stay anon, do not tarry, make the night last a thousand lives. (Leans up to DIRECTOR, it is clear they are about to kiss. There is a large noise, enter CREWMAN.)

CREWMAN: Hey guys, lights out, time is up…(stops and stares at what he/she has walked into.)

DIRECTOR: (sheepishly) Hah! Right! (pulls away from ACTOR) We’ll be off then. Ah, thanks for letting me use the theatre tonight

CREWMAN: …yeah sure. (exits. DIRECTOR and ACTOR both stand, brush themselves off, awkward coughing. Scene ends with them staring at eachother.)