Jack and Jill

by Djuna Elkan

CREEPER A.K.A. JACK, PETER, ROMEO: a lady’s man, who try’s to act the least creepy as possible. He always wears the same outfit when he’s finding girls on the bus.

JILL: A young woman with a lot on her mind. Wearing a sundress.

WENDY: young women who is very intellectual but wants to get away from the drama in her life. Wearing a black knee length dress.

JULIET: an uptown girl who loves to correct people and to talk about herself. Wearing Brightly colored jeans and a band-T.

RANDOM BOY: He has no lines.

The scene opens on JILL she is sitting on a bus with empty chairs surrounding her. She keeps looking around. Spot on JACK as he walks onto the bus. He eye’s JILL and smiles, giving the bus driver the expected toll. He runs a hand through his hair smoothly and walks up to her and sits down beside her.

JACK: Hi…. What’s your name?

JILL…Uhh, why do you want to know?

JACK: Oh I just thought I’d find out the name of the beautiful lady I’m sitting next to on this lovely bus.

JILL: Er…. that’s very sweet of you. My name is Jill. What’s yours?

JACK: Oh it’s Jack. You know we could get along quite well, you do know that Jack and Jill went up a hill. Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. Would you care to tumble with me?

JILL: Ummm...[checks to see if her stop is coming up. It’s not] I’ll roll with it. Do you ride this bus often?

JACK: Not always. Only when there are pretty girls like yourself on board.

JILL: Thanks. [Awkward silence]

JACK: So what brings you on this bus this fine day?

JILL: Oh…I just had to run a few errands and I thought I’d take the bus today.

JACK: Of course. Of course. [Smile’s and looks away]. You know you’d be an amazing model.

JILL: thanks?

JACK: Oh yeah. I’m surprised a handsome stallion hasn’t whisked you away yet.

JILL: If only. [She sighs and looks down at her lap] You know you, seem familiar, are you sure we haven’t met before?

JACK: Only in fairytales, baby.

[Spot on PETER as he walks onto the bus. He eye’s WENDY and smiles, giving the bus driver the expected toll. He runs a hand through his hair smoothly and walks up to her and sits down beside her.]

PETER: Hi…What’s your name?

WENDY: Uhhh…Wendy? Why do you want to know?

PETER: I just wanted to find out the name of the lovely girl I’m sitting next to.

WENDY:...Thanks? What’s your name?

PETER: It’s Peter, like Peter Pan. [Pause. PETER smiles cheesilly] Did you know that I have some magic fairy dust and that I can fly? I can take you to Neverland. Care to fly with me? [Scoots closer to her on the bus seat. WENDY scoots closer to the window]

WENDY: I guess I could take a jump.

JILL and WENDY: So where are you from?

JACK/PETER: From your wildest dreams. [JILL and WENDY laugh awkwardly. Wendy looks away]

PETER: You’d look great on a billboard, flying high above everyone.

WENDY: thanks?

JACK: So [Pause], What’s your favorite song?

JILL: Song? Like favorite song EVER?

JACK: Yah.

JILL: I’d have to say, “Everytime We Touch” by Cascada.

JACK: Cool. That’s mine too, I know all the words to it. [Grins]

JILL: Oh my god. I didn’t think any guy would ever know the words to that song. You know you don’t seem that bad Jack.

PETER: So, What’s your favorite song?

WENDY: Ummm….I guess I’d have to choose “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga.

PETER: A classic. I know all the words to that song…even the French [Grins]

WENDY: Of course you do. Recite it to me.

PETER [In a seductive voice, in perfect French]: Je veux ton amour et je veux ton revenge. Je veux ton amour. I don’t want to be friends. [Smiles]

WENDY: Wow. [Breathless] That sounds so beautiful.

JACK/PETER: We can find out more about each other over coffee. Would you like to join me?

JILL: I thought you were just a creep when you came on this bus but you seem like a nice guy. I’d love to.

WENDY: I guess so. I don’t have to be anywhere soon. You don’t seem as bad as I thought you were.

[Spot on ROMEO as he walks onto the bus. He eye’s JULIET and smiles, giving the bus driver the expected toll. He runs a hand through his hair smoothly and walks up to her and sits down beside her.]

ROMEO: Hi, there. What’s your name?

JULEIT: Oh It’s Juliet. What’s yours?

ROMEO: We’ll mine’s Romeo. You know-

JULEIT: OH MY GOD. Just like Romeo and Juliet. This is such a cowinkie dink!

ROMEO [Sounding a bit discouraged]: Yeah…

JULIET: So are you here to whisk me away?

ROMEO: Of course.

JULIET: I’ve always wanted to be whisked away by a handsome stallion like your self. Boys like you always were so hard to find for me when I was younger. Now they all come to me. [Smiles] Like you!

ROMEO: Yah. We just can’t keep our hands off of you. [She keeps staring at him waiting for him to say something about her]. So where are you going on this lovely day?

JULIET: Oh I’m going to this cute little café on Shattuk. It’s called Peets, they have the best coffee there. Have you ever tried it? It’s like it makes your mouth water when you drink it. You have to try it.

ROMEO: Yah Peets. I’ve been there before. They have good coffee, good frado’s too.

JULEIT: Well of course. They’re the best. They’re so sweet and great. You seem sweet just like them [She smiles].

ROMEO: Thanks? [He pauses and coughs] You know, you’d look great on television, the color would really-

JULIET: Oh, I know. I tried to audition for GLEE. They loved me but didn’t cast me. They said they didn’t like my attitude or something. I don’t really care, I’m gonna become famous someday and laugh in their faces. Who ever last laughs, laughs last. [She smiles]

ROMEO: It’s whoever laughs last get’s the last laugh.

JULIET: No, I’m pretty sure I’m right. So where do you come from?

ROMEO: From your wildest dreams? [Starts eyeing the bell pull]

JULIET: Oh my god. I know I’ve seen you before. You’re such a trickster Romeo.

ROMEO [Looks around]: What’s your favorite song?

JULIET: It’s Je veux te voir. It’s by Yelle. She’s French. Whenever I listen to it makes me feel so cultural.

ROMEO: I might have heard of that song. What’s it about?

JULEIT: I don’t really know it just sounds cool.

ROMEO: I think I remember now. It’s about sex and pornography…and you say it’s your favorite song?

JULIET: It can’t be about that kind of stuff. She wouldn’t sing about that. That’s just inappropriate. [Pause] So where does your name come from Romeo [Rolls her R’s as she says Romeo]?

ROMEO: Ummmmmmmm...My mom…she liked…Shakespeare. Yah that was it, she really liked Shakespeare.

JULIET: That’s cool. My moms name is Juliet, and her moms name is Juliet, and her mom’s mom name was Juliet, all the way to my great-great-great-grandmother. The name’s been in my family for so many years. You know I could have been related to the Juliet that was the muse to Shakespeare’s writings.

ROMEO: Sure. It’s been nice talking to you but I think the next stop is mine.

JULEIT: But it’s been so fun talking to you. You should stay and we can talk more.

ROMEO: No…I really should go.

JULIET: Then I’ll come with you. We can talk and get to know each other so well.

ROMEO: Yah that sounds great, but I have to go to an important meeting.

JULIET: We’ll then I’ll walk with you. I don’t have to be anywhere anytime soon.

ROMEO: It’s quite all right. This museum will be terribly boring. All those lousy paintings and what not.

JULIET: Wait. You said you had to be at a meeting.

ROMEO: OH oh yes…the meeting is at the museum. I’m an artist you see.

JULIET: We’ll then I’d love to come with you to see your paintings. Pretty please.

ROMEO: Really it’s a private art showing…. yah, that’s what it is.

JULIET: We’ll I’ll give you my number so we can chat sometime.

ROMEO: [hesitantly]…Okay.

JULIET: Oh Joy! [She grins widely. Writing her number on a small piece of paper. The bus suddenly stops and ROMEO runs off as fast as he can. Leaving JULIET with the paper looking sad. Another boy walks on and she winks and smiles at him.]