Brotherly Love

by Maya Drexler

Scene: Siamese twin brothers go out to a strip club for their 21st birthday. Rufus is extremely OCD and  strongly believes in the Christian faith and goes against his will. Duncan is pathologically sloppy/belligerent and had the idea to go to the club.

Characters:

DUNCAN: Sloppy twin

RUFUS: OCD/religious twin

MISSY: Stripper at the club

DIAMOND: Other Stripper at the club

ROCKY: Bar tender

(Brothers outside the strip club about to go inside)

DUNCAN: I'm ready to see some TITTIES!

RUFUS: Um, Duncan, excuse me, you know how I feel about that terminology. I would greatly prefer if you would say the, the scientific term. They are not t-t-t-tit- (he struggles to say the word)

DUNCAN: TITTAYYYS!

RUFUS: They are called Breasts, actually, Duncan.

DUNCAN: Rufus, my Baby Bro, let me tell you something you may not be aware of.

RUFUS: I'm not your baby bro, Duncan, we're twins...

DUNCAN: (disregards the comment) My brother! We are 21 years old today! Do you know what that means?

RUFUS: (mutters to himself) That I have survived being stuck to you for almost a quarter century.

DUNCAN: That it is time for us to get drunk off our asses and see some TITTIES!

RUFUS:  (starts getting a tick in his hands and looks anxious) Look, I understand your obsession with, um, you know...breasts...but this really makes me uncomfortable. We don't have time to go to church tomorrow and I cannot be here if I cannot go to confession tomorrow. I just can't.

DUNCAN: Hey, God created Titties. So there is no way he can be mad at us for enjoying them. In fact, I'm sure he would be very proud! Now lets go get SHWASTED!

RUFUS: No, I don't have my purell wipes with me and who knows what kind of bacteria are on those chairs or the counters, and if we go in there we might end up walking out with some sort of gonorrhea or HIV...or even worse...pink eye.

DUNCAN: Nahhh that's not gonna happen Baby Bro. Titties aren't dirty they're beautiful.

RUFUS: You know that pink eye comes from feces particles  getting into the eye. We don't want that, Duncan. Not after what happened last time...

DUNCAN: You are worrying entirely too much. Let's go.  (Starts walking past the bouncer into the club, pulling Rufus along).

RUFUS: (Resists Duncan pulling him) Duncan wait, wait, wait. Come on now, we can't do this. What would mother think? What would Father Andrews think? I can't.  I can't. I need my wipes. I can't be here with out my wipes. (Starts shaking his head nervously and rubbing his hands together)

DUNCAN: Ma would be happy! She would love to know we're doing something together for once. Bonding time.

RUFUS: Duncan we are always together. We are attached.

DUNCAN: (Doesn't pay attention) And you know I don't get along with Father Andrew ever since I took a piss in the holy water. (Starts laughing to himself) Ah that was priceless. You shoulda seen his face. PRICELESS!

RUFUS: I did see his face. I saw it as you missed the bowl of Holy Water and proceeded to urinate on my leg.

DUNCAN: (looks embarrassed) You know I've always had trouble with my aim.

RUFUS: Oh I know it too well. (Checks his watch) Well would you look at that! It's 9:30. It's time to go home so I can watch Golden Girls. This is the episode Sophia gets locked out and tries to go through the dog door but gets stuck and then Dorothy thinks she's a burglar so she calls the police and then they end going on a date to the square dancing festival and Sophia is still stuck in the dog door when they leave. (Starts laughing to himself) Gosh, I just can't get enough of those girls. They truly are golden. I'll call mother to come pick us up.

DUNCAN: (looks extremely serious) You promised me Rufus. You promised. You cannot take back your promise.

RUFUS: (Looks away) I don't remember agreeing to this, Duncan.

DUNCAN:  Rufus. Don't you do this. For your 21st birthday present you wanted to go to the Tupperware convention and I agreed to  go. I sat through three hours of Tupperware-care-and-share for you because you agreed that for my present we could go to the strip club.

RUFUS: Well don't tell me you didn't have fun at the Tupperware-care-and-share! I mean that was priceless. That was a good time. Good clean, practical fun, Duncan. And I know you love your knew jell-o molder.

DUNCAN: (smiles bashfully) Ok I do love the jell-o molder...but that's not the point Baby Bro.

RUFUS: Twins, Duncan. We are Siamese twins. I am not your Baby Bro!

DUNCAN: The point is that I gave you your wish and now you need to give me mine.

RUFUS: It's just that you know how I feel about this...Breast frighten me out.

DUNCAN: (shakes his head) How did we come from the same womb bro?

RUFUS: (Whiny voice) Breasts are dirty! They are always lactating! Their biological purpose is to lactate and I am extremely lactose intolerant so technically it is a threat to my health to be here. Lets go before I have an asthma attack. (Starts walking away)

DUNCAN: Rufus we breast fed when we were babies and you were fine!

RUFUS: Yea it was the only time we got along because you didn't talk.

DUNCAN: No, it was because we had something in common! And do you know what that was? It was titties! Beautiful, lactating, wholesome TITTIES!

RUFUS: Oh gosh, Duncan, please don't talk about mother like that.

DUNCAN: TITTIES TITTIES TITTIES TITT-

(strippers, Diamond and Missy walk out of the club and see the twins)

MISSY: OMG Diamond look its twins! It's like from that movie with Matt Damon!

DIAMOND: OHH EMM GEE they are so cute Missy! (goes over to Duncan and Rufus and start pinching their cheeks)

RUFUS: I have very sensitive skin. Please stop that. Stop that (bats away her hand).

DUNCAN: (smiling bashfully) Uhh hi....ladies...hi...I'm Duncan, this is...a...Ru-Ruf- (can't stop staring at her chest)

RUFUS: I'm RUFUS. (Rolls his eyes)

MISSY: Well hello there Duncan and Rufus.

DIAMOND: What are you boys up to tonight?

DUNCAN:  (still staring at her chest) Its our 21st birthday. And..and.. uh.. for our birthday we wanted to go to the strip club...to celebrate. (still staring at her chest)

MISSY: (giggling) awww you guys are so adorable! Diamond, its there birthday!

Diamond: Get out! That is sooo rad! Well we need to show these boys a good time, huh Missy.

Missy:  Ummm DUH.

DUNCAN: (continues to stare at their chest)

RUFUS: No, no, we were just leaving actually. I'm lactose intolerant and have asthma and this is a very hostile environment for my lungs and my bowels.

MISSY: Ohhh is that a side affect of being a nocturnal twin?

RUFUS: Excuse me, a what?

MISSY: Nocturnal twins. I mean you guys are attached aren't you? You're a nocturnal twin!

RUFUS: Um, no we are siamese twins. There is no such thing as a nocturnal twin.

MISSY: You guys aren't asian silly! You have to be asian to be a siamese! You are so cute.

RUFUS: (Shaking his head) Just out of curiosity, Missy, what do you do for a living?

MISSY: Me and Diamond are dancers silly! We work here. And that is why we are going to give you the best birthday ever! (starts rubbing Rufus' arm)

RUFUS: Please don't touch that. Have you washed your hands? Do you have pink eye? Let me see your eyes. Oh my goodness I need my purell wipes.

DUNCAN: So you guys are real strippers? Like a real life stripper? Right here?

DIAMOND: Yaaa this is our club. Come on let go inside. (starts pulling them to the door)

RUFUS: Dear Lord please forgive me for this and forgive my brother for being a belligerent imbecile with the IQ of a five year old and the logic of a mentally challenged individual. (Crosses his chest and looks scared)

DUNCAN: Dear God. Thank you. I knew you loved me. Thank you. (Looks up to the sky smiling) And I knew you wanted us to see some boobies!

(They walk into the club and it's smokey and crowded)

DUNCAN: This must be heaven.

RUFUS: I think I'm in hell. What did I do to deserve this.

(Diamond and Missy take them over to the bar)

DIAMOND: (at bar tender) Rocky, we'll have four shots! It's these boys 21st birthday!

MISSY: Yea, and they're nocturnal twins!

DUNCAN: (nodding his head excitedly) Hell yea we are!

RUFUS: (At bar tender) Excuse me? When is the last time this place was inspected? Did you guys pass all of your sanitary requirements? I think I smell gas, is there a gas leak?

DUNCAN: Oh my bad, Bro I think I got to excited...Let one rip on accident.

RUFUS: Oh Duncan, please be more considerate! We're in public here.

ROCKY: (Ignores Rufus' question) Ok here are your shots. On the house for the nocturnal birthday boys!

RUFUS: SIAMESE!

ROCKY: Really? You guys don't look asian. Could've fooled me!

RUFUS:  I can't be here. And Duncan you can't drink that because if you drink that then I'm going to-

(turns his head to Duncan and see that he has already taken two shots) feel it too...

DUNCAN: God that is some nasty DRANK! (Starts laughing) Whoo! I'm ready to get drunk!

RUFUS: Duncan did you take both of those shots? You know that when you drink it affects me too! Like that one time you drank two vanilla milkshakes at the fair and I was on the toilet for two days. One for each milkshake. And I cannot get drunk, Duncan it goes against my morals. God would not approve. (looks over at Duncan who isn't paying attention)

DUNCAN:  (Drinks two more shots) Ahhh I looovvveee me some SHOTS!

RUFUS: Duncan stop it! Stop it right now before I call mother! (tries to grab the shot glasses from him but its too late and he can't reach because they are attached. Duncan takes two more shots.)

Oh no. Oh no no that's it we are leaving. (Tries to get up but then gets woozy from the alcohol)

DUNCAN: Hahaha do you feel that? I mean ARE YOU FEELIN' THAT BURN! Ooh it's good to be 21. (starts swaying drunkenly.)

RUFUS: What, what is that feeling. Why is the room spinning, Dun-Dunc-Du what is that... where is the ground.

ROCKY: Looks like we have some rookies over here! This your guy's first time with alcohol?

DUNCAN: (Slurring his words) Nahh we're experienced drinkers. We love us some Bicardi and Jose Cuervooo. Me and Jose are on a first name basis if you know what I mean. (winks at Rocky)

RUFUS: (Yells out) NO WE"RE NOT! We've never been drunk! Who's Jose?  Where is the ceiling?

DIAMOND: You guys are too cute! You're like little drunk nocturnal puppies!

DUNCAN: (Turns head towards Rufus) How ya doin' there Baby Bro? How ya feelin'?

RUFUS: I don't know what is going on. I'm dizzy.... But I kinda like it.

DUNCAN: HA! That's the spirit little guy! Give in to the feeling. We're 21!

RUFUS: (Disoriented and getting more drunk) Yea. Yea we are 21 today.. I'm 21. Get me a stripper!  I want me a big tittied stripper! (Pulls Diamond and Missy towards him and starts having them dance for him)

DUNCAN: (looks confused and isn't getting any attention) Wait, no Rufus, you don't like titties. I'm the one that likes titties. Not you. You're lactose intolerant. You're afraid of pink eye. I want the titties. (No one pays attention to him)

RUFUS: Titties titties titties I love titties!

DUNCAN: NO! I'm the stripper lover I'm the one not you! You wanted to leave!

RUFUS: (Drunkenly dancing with the strippers) Ahhh I love strip clubs!

DUNCAN: No! You're going to get pink eye! What about The Golden Girls! This is all wrong I want my strippers! (No one pays attention to him)

RUFUS: I love being a nocturnal twin. Life is good, huh Baby Bro?

DUNCAN: NO! I'm calling mother. We are leaving. (Pulls Rufus away from the strippers out of the club).

RUFUS: (Starts itching his eyes) Are my eyes pink?

DUNCAN: Yes actually they are. You have pink eye.

RUFUS: OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO WORTH GETTING PINK EYE FOR! Let's go back next weekend Baby Bro.

DUNCAN: I'm not your baby bro Rufus. We are Siamese twins. Unfortunately....

(Walk off stage)

                                           THE END